Sept. 5 Event Speculation Centers On Catch-Phrase.

While speculation has continued to range from new iPods, to Beatles tracks to HD movie content, the central question about next Wednesday’s event remains, “Why would Apple hold a masturbation-themed event?”

“‘The beat goes on’?” said the Chicago Sun-Times’ Andy Ihnatko. “I don’t know about you, but that just screams ‘masturbation’ to me.”

Shawn King, host of Your Mac Life agreed.

“I can’t look at that invitation and not think ‘masturbation’. Although, I can’t look at two big jiggling mounds of Jell-O and not think ‘masturbation’.

“OK, that was probably a bad example. How about a clam? No, no. That’s not right, either. Well, something non-sexual. I can’t think of anything non-sexual at the moment. It’s probably because of that damned masturbation-themed invitation.”

Apple denied that the invitation and catch-phrase were in any way related to masturbation.

“What?!” asked an incredulous senior vice president of worldwide marketing Phil Schiller. “Where do you come up with this stuff? What the hell could we possibly be announcing that has anything to do with masturbation?! My god!”

A nervous iPod marketing manager Stan Ng leaned over and whispered something in Schiller’s ear.

“What?” Schiller said. “Oh. Huh? Oh. Oh. Oooooh. Wow. Really? I had no idea you could do that with it.”

Turning back to reporters, Schiller said “Uh, yeah, it’s got at least something to do with masturbation.”

Still, no one knows exactly what’s going to be announced, but all this talk about masturbation has everyone really looking forward to next Wednesday.

New iPod Nano Photo Leaked.

While other easily debunked photos have recently been seen on the web, Crazy Apple Rumors Site sources have forwarded the definitive photo of the actual iPod nano to be announced next Wednesday.

According to a source who claims to be within the iPod division, the new nano will feature several totally awesome features. Most notably, Apple has done away with the controversial non-user-replaceable battery in favor of crank-driven power and every eighth album in Coverflow will be a picture of Jennifer Fricking Connelly.

While most Apple followers hailed the new features to surely be announced next week, some were skeptical.

“What the fuck is that?” asked‘s John C. Welch.

“No, really, what the fuck is that? Because is sure as hell isn’t a new fricking nano.

“Hey! Hey! Don’t walk away from me, bitch!”

Daring Fireball‘s John Gruber wondered “Why the fuck is there a first generation shuffle click wheel on it? And why’s it so much blurrier than the rest of the image? And what’s that crap around the handle of the crank? And…”

None of this skepticism, however, takes into account the super awesomeness of the features of the new iPod nano which will surely rawk several million sawks.

Apple declined to comment officially for this story, but was somewhat blurry and pixelated around where Infinite Loop meets the rest of Cupertino, as if it had hastily been pasted there.

Apple Announces Sept. 5th Special Event.

Apple sent out invitations to press announcing a special event on Sept 5, emblazoned with the tantalizing tagline, “The beat goes on.” Although most analysts believe this to be the release of long-overdue new iPod models, sources deep within Apple indicate that’s not the case.

Branching into other consumer fields, Apple is introducing a line of audio-equipped kinetic devices. The first in the line, the iWhisk, takes advantage of the miniaturization advances used in the iPod nano to cram a 1 GB music player into the ergonomically designed handle of a stainless steel whisk. According a source in the iPod division, the key feature of the line is that the mixing motion generates kinetic energy, removing the need for a battery.

The source said “This is Steve’s way of saying ‘fuck you’ to all those class-action lawsuit assholes who bitch about battery life. You want more battery life? Shake your moneymaker.” The source refused to define “moneymaker,” but said, “Oh, I think you know what I mean.

“Shake it. Shake it real good.

The source noted that the iWhisk is just the beginning. Apple intends to add music-enabled martini shakers, Shake-a-Puddin, and, oddly, maracas which are technically already music-enabled.

While these products are definitely under development, other sources indicate there’s a small chance that the event’s “The beat goes on” catch-phrase means Steve Jobs will literally beat his worst enemies on stage.

Or it could be porn-related.

The Difference Between iPods and Tribbles.

In a report to be published in the journal Science next month, researchers at the MIT Department of Xenobiology will reveal the results of a 3-year study to determine the differences between iPods and Tribbles.

While there are many similarities, scientists have determined one key differentiator. Crazy Apple Rumors Site has obtained a key chart from the upcoming article.

Dr. Henry Cheng of the Department said “Actually, the whole thing started as a joke, but then we got the grant money and we figured we kind of had to publish something.”

Cheng said his next research will focus on certain areas of the female anatomy.

“Totally. I mean, hey, if they’re just giving grant money away…”

Devastating Virus Hits iPod.

Devastating news hit Apple fans late last week as a virus slammed the iPod.

The ultimate impact of this killer virus – which requires the iPod to be running Linux and has to be installed manually by the user and possibly infects the iPod with pictures of unicorns and puppies – has yet to be determined. But it is just one disturbing example of how Apple’s products are under a siege that the company seems unable to turn back.

In addition to the killer iPod virus of death, Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that these other problems currently afflict Apple products.

  • One dude’s Performa won’t do screen resolutions higher than 640X480 on Yellow Dog Linux, making it really hard to look at porn.
  • LC IIs running OS 7.1 are highly susceptible to repeated failure to meet reserve on eBay.
  • In certain configurations from the Apple Store, the 8-Core Mac Pro will be so expensive it will literally make you puke.
  • If you have a wood-paneled iMac, carpenter ants may want to chew into it. You know… if you have a… wood-paneled iMac.
  • Beating a MacBook with a rock may void your warranty – and nowhere does it say that in big letters on the MacBook!
  • The Apple TV doesn’t do HD. That’s gotta be a bug, right?
  • Some Macs have been infected with Windows which has many viruses and, more importantly, just generally sucks.

To date, Apple has not satisfactorily explained how it will address these issues or the killer death virus of doom for death to iPods.