Category: iPod

Disappointing news from Apple today may have dire implications for the company’s first fiscal quarter.

According to sources, the company has lost the new iPod shuffle.

“This is very embarrassing, said director of iPod product marketing Stan Ng. “It was around here somewhere and now we can’t find it.

“It’s very small. It’s probably just under something.”

Ng has ransacked his office several times looking for the shuffle, but to no avail.

If Apple is unable to find the shuffle before its October release, it may seriously impact its iPod sales volume for the holiday season.

Several times over the course of a half hour, Ng asked coworkers to survey his body to make sure he hadn’t accidentally clipped it somewhere.

“It’s not on my ass, is it?” Ng asked a visibly uncomfortable administrative assistant. “Look at my ass. Is it on my ass?

“Loretta, c’mon! Look at my ass!”

Other sources believe it’s possible that Marsha in accounting used the entire 500,000 shuffle inventory to clip vendor invoices together before they were sent offsite for storage.

“No, I didn’t look at the clips I used,” Marsha said defensively. “I just do what I’m told. Hal says I gotta clip the invoices together, I clip them together.

“At the end of the day, Hal’s just asking me if I clipped the invoices together. He’s not asking me what kind of clips I used. Sheesh.”

Apple still expects the shuffle will turn up shortly and can’t believe it lost it.

According to recent reports, Apple has been sending cease-and-desist orders to companies marketing products with names that include “pod”, claiming that they are infringing on the iPod trademark.

One group that has received such a notice has decided to fight Apple in court.

Representation for a group known only as “Pod Creatures From Beyond Our Galaxy” filed a counter-suit against Apple today, claiming prior trademark of the “pod” name.

“Our clients believe that it is Apple that has infringed on their trademark and not the other way around,” said Robert Carlson, chief counsel for the creatures.

“At least we think that’s what they believe. It’s kind of hard to tell as they just stand there pointing at you and shrieking.

“Depositions are really hard. But we will prove in a court of law that they have prior rights to the ‘pod’ trademark going back to their highly successful invasion of the Crab Nebula over 15,000 years ago.”

Apple contends that the aliens’ use of the term “pod” for the plant husks that consume humans and replace them with vegetable counterparts might confuse consumers.

Apple senior counsel Mark Aaker said “We don’t want people to think that we manufacture a ‘pod’ that takes a vibrant, engaged human and replaces him or her with a subservient lump of vegetable matter.”

Aaker paused to consider his words.

“Uh… let me put that another way…”

Carlson indicated that his clients said exactly the same thing, shortly before he was pulled under his desk by several large vines.

An article in the Chicago Tribune laments the “pain in the iPod”, which is reportedly its propensity to break down (link via Infinite Loop).

According to an unscientific Macintouch survey referenced in the article, iPods have a 13.7 percent failure rate and models that are no longer available for purchase are more likely to have failed than currently available iPods.

“Whether this is because newer iPods are built better or because they just haven’t had as much time to fail was not covered by our unscientific survey,” said Macintouch’s Ric Ford.

Because the survey was voluntary, Ford admitted that people with an axe to grind might have been more likely to respond.

“We also had some kids who wrote ‘booger’ in for every answer,” Ford said. “After some discussion we decided not to count those.”

Ford declined to offer an opinion on whether or not 13.7 percent was high.

“What I will say is, if I’m someday forced to return to the past to prevent a robot apocalypse in the future, I’m not going to be picking up an iPod while I’m there, because it’ll be more likely to break down.

“Plus, there’s the whole issue of having to be naked for time travel. I mean, you might get a shuffle through, but I’m not bringing back a 40 GB click wheel one, if you know what I mean.”

Ford then acted out what he thought a robot apocalypse might look like using several Transformers he happened to have handy.

Also quoted in the article was (surprise!) the habitually incorrect Rob Enderle. Enderle apparently had to stand up to pull, not a 40 GB click wheel iPod, but a number from his ass. Miraculously, Enderle’s number echoed Macintouch’s, rounding it up to 15 percent so it would sound like he had independent confirmation.

Enderle said that this was comparable to cell phone failure rates but added that “cell phones are much easier and cheaper to repair” than iPods.

When asked if he had ever actually owned a cell phone or an iPod or had dealt with a cellular provider or Apple repair, Enderle said he prefers to use walkie-talkies and hum to himself.