Category: iPod

According to sources within the Zorgon High Command, the Imperious Fleet’s attack against the Apple iPod has failed.

Despite being heralded in the Intergalactic Times as the latest in a series of “iPod killers”, the Zorgon fleet ultimately proved unable to destroy Apple’s irrepressible digital music device.

Late last week, the Zorgon High Command had issued a press release announcing its policy of “DEATH TO IPODS” and boldly claimed that it would succeed where Creative, Microsoft and other also-ran digital music makers “HAD FAILED LIKE THE MISERABLE WORMS THEY ARE.”

After travelling 1.9 million light years and launching a campaign intended to instill “Shock and Awe” into Apple and iPod owners everywhere, the Zorgons unfortunately found that their death rays were ineffective against the chrome and polymers that make up the iPod.

“OUR DEATH RAYS PROVED SADLY INEFFECTIVE AGAINST THE IPOD,” admitted Zorgon Imperial Commander Grrzzt. “ALSO, IT HAS BECOME CLEAR THAT WE JUST DON’T HAVE A GOOD MARKETING STRATEGY. ‘DEATH TO IPODS’ REALLY SHOULDN’T HAVE MADE IT OUT OF FOCUS GROUP.”

Unfortunately for the members of the Zorgon fleet, ineffective death rays and poor marketing aren’t their only problems.

“BECAUSE OF SOME POOR DECISIONS ON THE PART OF A CERTAIN FLEET OFFICER WHO SHALL REMAIN NAMELESS…”

Grrzzt shot an icy glare at an officer with a name tag that read “LT. SZZZZZ”.

“…WE USED UP ALL OF OUR BATTERY RESERVES MAINTAINING OUR FIRE.”

Lt. Szzzzz hung its heads sheepishly.

“SO, WE COULD REALLY USE A TOW BACK TO THE ARGOLUS CLUSTER. IF, YOU KNOW, ANYONE HAPPENS TO BE GOING THAT WAY.”

Sadly for Grrzzt, no Earthling will be going that way for approximately 500 years.

After an outcry against what many say are abusive working conditions in plants making iPods, Apple pledged late last week to institute a China labor probe.

Some, however, are not pleased with this announcement.

“How is that supposed to help?” asked Amnesty International spokesperson and former iPod user Kim Daley. “I mean, haven’t these poor people been through enough without Apple probing them anally?”

Told Apple never said it would actually physically probe the Chinese workers anally, Daley rolled her eyes.

“Well, how else do you think they’re going to probe them?” she asked.

“You’re so naive. I’ve seen these kinds of ‘probes’ before. They’re not pretty.”

Reached for comment, Apple Senior Counsel Mark Aaker categorically denied that the company would be conducting alien-style violations of workers in Chinese plants.

“No, I think maybe we’ll just, you know, do the old ‘turn your head and cough.’ Check the glands. That kind of thing.

“Ha-ha! I’m kidding, of course! We’re looking into the labor practices of our partners, not the behinds of their workers!”

After an uncomfortable pause, Apple then said it wished it had declined to comment for this story.

In the past several days, Apple customers have been shocked by reports that workers in the Chinese factories that create the iPod “work long hours and do not earn a lot of money.

It was but one of many “loss of innocence” moments for Apple’s doe-eyed customers.

“I dunno,” said despondent iPod owner Scott Hochman.

“Was it just a childish pipe dream to allow myself to believe that iPods were made by elves working 30-hour work weeks with full benefits in a candy-colored factory in Magic Gumdrop Land?”

Hochman sighed heavily.

“Maaaybe it was.”

Hochman was not alone in his belief that all Apple employees and employees of Apple contractors and sub-component makers spent their days skipping through a fairy tale of employment bliss. Apple customers are, as a whole, surprisingly uneducated concerning matters of economics and international commerce.

“Well…” said Apple customer Ted Kersten, “Why doesn’t Apple just pay them, like, $50 an hour instead of $50 a month? That seems fair to me.”

Apple was adamant that the more heinous charges that have been floating around the Internet are without merit.

“Steve Jobs does not ride the employees at iPod plants like they’re ponies,” said Apple spokesperson Cynthia Mclaren. “That’s purely a domestic policy.”

Apple filed a second counter-suit against Creative over the iPod, seeking cash damages and a court order to prevent patent infringements on patents related to displaying data on a computer and editing data using a portable media device.

While the suit may sound like an attempt to simply make Creative regret suing Apple in the first place, legal experts believe it is a precursor to the “Bugs Bunny maneuver”.

“This is a brilliant move on Apple’s part,” said Lynn Sarko, managing partner of Keller Rohrback, L.L.P. “Creative sues, Apple counter-sues. Creative sues again, Apple counter-sues again.”

According to Sarko, these suits and counter-suits will go back and forth until Apple pulls the old switcheroo and sues itself for violating one of Creative’s patents.

“This will, of course, cause Creative – in its confusion – to demand a ruling against itself.

“Effectively saying, ‘Shoot me now.'”

Asked why Creative couldn’t at this point execute the “Bugs Bunny maneuver” instead of Apple, Sarko shook his head.

“Daffy Duck does not pull the switcheroo. Only Bugs Bunny pulls the switcheroo. That’s why it’s called ‘the Bugs Bunny maneuver.'”

Apple declined to comment for this story other than to say “Mmmmmmmmmmmmm…

“Could be.”