New iBooks Crunchy On The Outside, Soft In The Middle.

Apple today announced new iBooks in speeds ranging up to 700 Mhz. With a larger cache, more powerful graphics processor and new video out port, the iBooks also reportedly consist of a candy-coated shell and creamy nougat center.

“Iffs derishious!” said Macworld magazine Editor Rick LePage, in between bites.

His mouth still full of thick, rich nougat, LePage added “I can’t berief I’m eatun a fufteen hunner dollar laptup! Thiff if gonna be an expensuff habbot!”

Apple Senior Designer Jonathan Ive says an edible iBook was the logical extension of the diminutive laptop’s design.

“The jump from lickable software to edible hardware just made sense,” Ive explained. “Looking at the old iBook’s white plastic lid, I realized that you could achieve the same visual effect and structural rigidity with crystallized sugar. The internal components were more difficult, but our engineers were up to the task.”

Jon Rubinstein, Apple Vice President for Hardware Engineering, did not share Ive’s nonchalance.

“Do you have any idea how low the electrical conductivity of nougat is?” Rubinstein moaned. “Really frickin’ low. We’re just lucky Motorola had already designed an edible G3 for some government project.”

“Frankly, Jonathan Ive can bite me and the whole hardware division.”

Apple believes the edible iBook will be the company’s most profitable product yet.

“The margins are pretty low,” Apple CFO Fred Anderson said, “but once you eat it, it’s gone – you’ve got to go buy a new one.”

Anderson was beside himself when asked about how the new iBooks were expected to fair in schools, where they are already popular.

“Kids can’t resist a delicious sugary treat!” Anderson exclaimed. “We’re going to sell a bazillion of these!”

The new iBooks are not a hit with everyone, however. Parents’ groups, as well as the American Dental Association, have already asked that Apple pull the laptop from the market.

In a statement released this afternoon, the ADA complained that the new iBook poses “the most serious threat to healthy dental hygiene since the giant Pixie stick”.

In related news, Hal Grenman, President of the Pixie Stick Manufacturers Association of America, said “Better luck next time, Apple! We’re still number one!”

System Administrator Doesn't Do Macs, But Will Give It A Try.

Howard Lindquist, a system administrator at Yoyodyne Propulsion, pointed out he doesn’t “do Macs” when recently asked to assist with the set-up of a newly acquired G4. “The IT group doesn’t support ’em,” Lindquist stated, pulling his belt up high around his ample stomach. “But I’ll take a look for ya.”

Martin Yang, a designer in the company’s Graphics Department, contacted Lindquist shortly after accepting delivery of the new dual-processor PowerMac G4. “I know the IT group doesn’t support Macs, but I wasn’t sure how to configure the TCP/IP settings in the Network control panel,” Yang said. Yang handled the rest of the machine’s initial set-up himself, physically putting the machine together, partitioning the hard drive for OS 9 and OS X, and installing Microsoft Office, PhotoShop and several other graphics applications. “Actually, I was going to do it all myself and only called to find out if we use DHCP or if I should put in an IP address. But Howard seemed pretty concerned by my question and came over immediately.”

“I thought he had a Windows 2000 machine,” Lindquist explained, pushing his glasses up on his nose and squinting. “That’s the standard. I didn’t want him to change anything we had already set up.” Lindquist was surprised to find the G4 when he arrived. “I don’t do Macs,” he reiterated. “I heard the Graphics Department still had ’em, but we don’t support ’em.” After several minutes of haggling, Lindquist felt it preferable to try to input the settings himself, rather than have Yang complete the configuration.

Sitting down before the flat-panel Apple monitor, Lindquist encountered some initial difficulty. “What the hell’s wrong with your mouse?” he asked loudly, turning the heads of the other members of the Graphics Department. Yang then demonstrated how to use the “no-button” Apple Pro mouse. Gingerly holding the mouse with his fingertips, Lindquist first began slowly navigating to the lower left hand corner of the screen before being visibly startled by the absence of a Start button. After several mumbled comments to himself and deep breaths, he veered the cursor to the upper left hand corner and accessed the Apple menu. From there the network configuration proceeded without significant incident. Lindquist was surprised to find that OS 9’s Network control panel contained essentially the same options as those found in Windows 2000.

Emboldened by his success, Lindquist smiled broadly and again hiked up his belt as Yang resumed control of the G4. “You let me know if you have any more trouble with that Mac!” he called out as he exited through the Graphics Department’s glass doors. The settings now in hand, Yang quickly rebooted and configured the OS X environment before starting work on a video presentation for a client conference.

New iMac to be "Way Cool"

CARS sources that declined to be identified indicate the new iMacs to be revealed at a special Apple event in the first quarter of 2002 will be “way cool.” The 2002 iMacs will sport “things” that will make them “totally boss” and will reportedly come in “cool colors and stuff.”

When asked to confirm rumors that detachable screens with touch input would be included, sources said “Really? No way! Wow, that’s cool! Oh, man, that’s so cool. That’s way cooler than what I was thinking.”

Sources were unavailable for further comment as they had to “get off the phone and go tell Gary, ’cause he’s gonna flip.”