Apple posted record results today, as iPod sales continue to be strong and Mac sales experienced a virtual boom.
Naturally, the company’s stock fell dramatically on Wall Street in late trading, prompting a difficult admission from CFO Peter Oppenheimer over dinner tonight (yes, we frequently dine with Peter Oppenheimer – don’t you?).
“At this point,” Oppenheimer said in hushed tones, “I just don’t think there’s any way to salvage this relationship.”
According to Oppenheimer, Apple is considering divorce.
“Sometimes when you’re in a an abusive relationship,” Oppenheimer sobbed over a white Zinfandel, “you just get used to it.
“You think, maybe it’s me! Maybe it’s all my fault! Maybe they’d invest in me more if I weren’t so fat! I’ve suggested therapy but Wall Street just tells me to ‘shut up’ because it’s ‘watching the game’.”
For its part, Wall Street confirmed there were “issues” but placed the blame solely on Apple.
“The magic just isn’t there anymore,” Wall Street said. “When we met, Apple was… I dunno… sexy. The iPod! Oooh, the iPod! Now… eh.
“Maybe it’d be different if it dressed itself up in something pretty. Like a new iPhone or a tablet or something. You know, make an effort. But the MacBook Air? Too little too late, Apple.”
Apple followers were unable to fathom what, exactly, Oppenheimer could mean by “divorce”.
“What, they’d take the company private?” Macworld magazine’s Jason Snell wondered aloud. “I don’t think that would work.
“Wait, did you really have dinner with Peter Oppenheimer?”
Sure. Yeah. Of course we did.
At the Cheesecake Factory in Palo Alto, if you must know.
We split the tab, although he picked up the tip because he had dessert. And the wine.
Happens all the time.