Archive for the 'Miscellaneous' Category

23 JanApple's Record Results Result In Record Drop.

Apple posted record results today, as iPod sales continue to be strong and Mac sales experienced a virtual boom.

Naturally, the company’s stock fell dramatically on Wall Street in late trading, prompting a difficult admission from CFO Peter Oppenheimer over dinner tonight (yes, we frequently dine with Peter Oppenheimer – don’t you?).

“At this point,” Oppenheimer said in hushed tones, “I just don’t think there’s any way to salvage this relationship.”

According to Oppenheimer, Apple is considering divorce.

“Sometimes when you’re in a an abusive relationship,” Oppenheimer sobbed over a white Zinfandel, “you just get used to it.

“You think, maybe it’s me! Maybe it’s all my fault! Maybe they’d invest in me more if I weren’t so fat! I’ve suggested therapy but Wall Street just tells me to ‘shut up’ because it’s ‘watching the game’.”

For its part, Wall Street confirmed there were “issues” but placed the blame solely on Apple.

“The magic just isn’t there anymore,” Wall Street said. “When we met, Apple was… I dunno… sexy. The iPod! Oooh, the iPod! Now… eh.

“Maybe it’d be different if it dressed itself up in something pretty. Like a new iPhone or a tablet or something. You know, make an effort. But the MacBook Air? Too little too late, Apple.”

Apple followers were unable to fathom what, exactly, Oppenheimer could mean by “divorce”.

“What, they’d take the company private?” Macworld magazine’s Jason Snell wondered aloud. “I don’t think that would work.

“Wait, did you really have dinner with Peter Oppenheimer?”

Sure. Yeah. Of course we did.

At the Cheesecake Factory in Palo Alto, if you must know.

We split the tab, although he picked up the tip because he had dessert. And the wine.

Happens all the time.

02 JanRobots Attack Apple! Again!

Cupertino police and Federal Emergency Management agents report today that One Infinite Loop was attacked by vicious killer robots bent on destroying Apple and bringing about a New Robot Order in which man serves machines. In this bleak, dystopian future, humans will slave in their solder mines and be forced to go to mate on command like laboratory animals as the robots watch and disapprovingly take notes, shaking their heads.

Yes, as you were snug in your beds in your footy jammies on Christmas eve dreaming of your Wiis and other marital aids, the fine people at Apple have been battling the robot terror.

That’s right. They were fighting the metal menace while you were all snug in your beds with visions of Jennifer fricking Connelly dancing in your heads.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Because there ain’t nothin’ wrong wit dat. If you know what I’m sayin’. And I think ya do.

Hence all the colloquialisms.

It’s currently difficult to get any good information as One Infinite Loop is effectively under robot blockade. No one has been able to break past their death-laser perimeter, although General Counsel Daniel Cooperman was allowed out briefly to turn off his car alarm after one of the robots bumped into his vehicle, accidentally setting it off. They exchanged insurance information and Cooperman returned to the building.

But why attack now? According to sources, the Apple sexbot project – while not yet ready for announcement at Macworld Expo in two weeks – has reached a critical milestone (completion of the “Wanda” and “Grant” model chassis) and will be ready far sooner than the so-called “experts” have predicted.

Well, OK, that might be the reason. It’s also possible they’re just stupid robot assholes who hate our liberties.

Or our libraries.

Or the fact that we’re made of meat.

Or maybe they don’t like carbon and are all like “Silicon is way better than carbon, man! Silicon rocks!” and don’t even know they’re punning because they’re humorless fucking robots.

It could be any or all of those reasons.

One thing is for certain, they are not acting randomly. They act with deliberate malice aforethought and the future of the company we know and love and hope will bring us shiny new crap we don’t need in two weeks is at stake. How Macworld Expo will even be possible if Apple employees can’t break free of the blockade is unknown.

Now is the time to act. Please, won’t you click on the PayPal link to the right and contribute to this site?

It, uh, has nothing to do with breaking the robot blockade, we could just use the money.

Christmas bills and all.

You understand.

Huh?

What do you mean you gave it all to the lemurs?

31 DecLemurs

Mike Lee of Delicious Monster fame is trying to save the lemur and needs your help.

When you first read something like this at a site with “motherfucker” in the URL, you’re likely to think “Is this a joke? Is he punking me? Does he care about lemurs or is he just trying to see how many rubes he can fit into a VW Beetle? Wait, is he just ‘saving’ lemurs so he can later cook them and eat them? What gives?”

No, Mike’s really trying to save the fucking lemur, OK?

As lemurs are cute and furry this is a great way to finish off 2007 or kick off 2008 (but donate before midnight tonight and you get into the Founding Troop).

And, let’s face it, you could use some good karma.

Look at you.

Sitting there.

Stuffing stale gingerbread men into your face, guzzling huge quantities of expired egg nog and watching that “Who’s The Boss?” boxed set your mother bought you for Christmas off your Amazon wish list.

You disgust me.

But I’m willing to put that all behind us if you’ll help save the lemur.

So…

…think about it.

UPDATE: Need more incentive? Well, how often do you get to make a noted Mac developer cry?

05 DecThe Portrait of Mavis Beacon.

While rumors have swirled for years about secret vats of preservative fluid, replaceable android bodies and the late night comings and goings of warlocks and mages, no one has been able to definitively say how it is that Mavis Beacon has defied the aging process.

Until today.

Finally, speaking to Crazy Apple Rumors Site reporters only on the condition of complete anonymity, sources at Broderbund say that the star of the long-running Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing series stays young thanks to a deal with the devil.

According to these sources, in 1984 Beacon, then working in the NBC clerical pool, was approached by Dick Clark who proposed a deal: sell your soul to Satan and receive everlasting beauty.

As well as a cheesy software franchise.

Per the terms of the deal, as Beacon herself remains unchanged, her visage in a portrait stored deep in the bowels of the Broderbund headquarters decays in her stead.

“I always knew there was something weird going on with her,” said former virtual Beacon student Sean Moran.

“I mean, look at her. She’s still totally hot. If anything she’s even hotter than she was. I mean, if that was even possible.

Moran noted that Beacon must be around 30 in the picture taken in 1987 when he first used her software in junior high school at the impressionable age of 14, making her now 50.

“I’m sorry,” Moran said, “but if that’s a 50-year-old woman, well, then sign me up for some more 50-year-old ass.

“You can tell there’s something wrong there… if you stop to think about it. But that’s the thing! Broderbund — and what kind of a name is that? Brother… bund? — Broderbund is counting on you to not… think… about… it.

Moran pointed out that Beacon also looked strangely whiter in the newer image and expressed concern that Michael Jackson might also be involved.

“I don’t think anyone would argue that that wouldn’t be worse than Satan, so I’m just saying someone should look into it is all.”

Broderbund declined to comment for this story and attempts to reach Beacon were, for some reason, unsuccessful.

28 NovApple e-Book Reader Captures The Market.

At a surprise late afternoon press event, Apple announced its new e-book reader, the Apple Book, which will compete directly with Amazon’s Kindle. In a stunning move that has vaulted the e-book industry from sputtering to red hot, the company said it had shipped 14.5 million units in the three hours after its announcement.

“What the fucking hell?!” said a visibly angry Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos.

“I spent like four years of my life working on this stupid thing! Now it’s been out like three weeks and it’s dead. Poof! Kaplooie! Game over, man!”

Muttering to himself, Bezos walked off, kicking the dirt and loudly slurping on a juice box.

“I fricking hate Steve Jobs.”

Essentially an iPod touch with a larger screen, the Apple Book downloads e-books via WiFi or syncing from the now horribly, horribly misnamed iTunes Store thanks to a partnership with Amazon rival Barnes & Noble. While these features actually trail those of the Kindle, the feature that is likely the primary cause for the device’s immediate success is the fact that the Apple Book is free and books are priced significantly lower than what Amazon charges. Customers simply supply a credit deposit upon receiving each Book and will be charged $500 less the amount of media they’ve purchased over the five year term of a contract.

Further, contrary to Amazon’s system, the Apple Book does not use DRM for e-books, relying instead on the same god damn system that’s been used for, you know, actual books for hundreds of years: making stuff that people want to buy.

Asked to explain how Apple could do this and still expect to turn a profit on the venture, CEO Steve Jobs said “We’re going to make it up on volume of books, movies and music sold. The reason Amazon has to charge $400 for the Kindle is because they don’t think it’s going to be adopted that quickly or that they’re going to sell that many e-books. Also, it’s fricking butt ugly. Have you seen that piece of crap? Holy hell. Makes me want to stab my eyes out with something pointy. Hey, Jeff! 1992 called! It wants its design ethic back! Ha-ha-ha!”

The gathered Apple executives, particularly Jonathan Ive, howled with laughter.

“Anyway,” Jobs continued, holding his aching sides and wiping tears from his eyes, “we’re going to move a ton of these suckers and sell a shitload of media.

“Razor blades and handles, my bitches. Razor blades and handles.”

Jobs was suddenly taken aside by senior vice president of worldwide marketing Phil Schiller who whispered in his ear briefly.

Returning to the stage Jobs said “Actually, I’ve just been informed that we recouped all of our hardware costs about fifteen minutes ago. And we made enough to buy every Mac user a pony.”

Seeing the hopeful looks on the faces of the collection of mostly Mac-using reporters in the audience, Jobs quickly added, “But I’m not going to do that.”

Reporters then sighed heavily.

The Apple Book is available at an Apple Store near you immediately.