Category: Miscellaneous

It’s election night in the U.S. and with Steve Jobs up for re-election as Apple CEO, it’s a night of nail-biting fear for voters in the Macintosh community.

Will the voters validate Jobs’ war on other MP3 players… or, uh, Microsoft… or… well, OK, that analogy isn’t working so well.

Let’s go to our panel. Tonight we’re pleased to have John Gruber of Daring Fireball, freelance technology journalist Glenn Fleishman, and Shawn King, host of Your Mac Life to discuss tonight’s election.

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MOLTZ: Gentlemen, it looks like Jobs is going to win again by a landslide. Possibly because he’s running uncontested. But let’s talk about what Apple will be like under another Jobs’ administration. John Gruber?

GRUBER: Well, as everyone knows, Jobs is fiscally conservative but socially liberal.

FLEISHMAN: That’s true, however he has recently trended more nationalistic and away from globalization. Contrary to what many think, Steve Jobs will be very tough on immigrants.

MOLTZ: …

FLEISHMAN: …

KING: Why is everyone looking at me?

MOLTZ: Oh. No reason.

FLEISHMAN: Nothing.

GRUBER: [cough] Canadian bacon. [cough]

KING: Oh, shut up!

GRUBER: No, you shut up.

MOLTZ: Both of you shut up. I’m hearing now… yes… we’re getting results in from… uh… what precinct is this from?

MACGRUDER: This is from the guys down at the Gas-N-Sip.

MOLTZ: I guess that would explain why there are only five votes.

MACGRUDER: Yeah. I just ran down and polled them. That’s why I’m so winded.

KING: Ha-ha! “Polled them”!

FLEISHMAN: Ha-ha! And he’s “winded”!

GRUBER: Ha-ha!

MOLTZ: Ha-ha!

MACGRUDER: Ha-ha!

MOLTZ: Dude, we’re laughing at you.

MACGRUDER: Oh. … Ha-ha!

MOLTZ: Well… OK. So, what did the guys at the Gas-N-Sip say?

MACGRUDER: Uh… let’s see… Four were for Jobs and one abstained.

MOLTZ: Abstained?! What?!

MACGRUDER: Yeah. Pff. I know. How lame is that?

MOLTZ: Wait. Was it Gordy?

MACGRUDER: Well, I shouldn’t say. It was an anonymous ballot.

MOLTZ: Hmm.

MACGRUDER: Although… Gordy signed his.

MOLTZ: He’s not exactly the brightest bulb.

GRUBER: The Gas-N-Sip… is this the Gas-N-Sip over by the interstate or the one down by the Costco?

MACGRUDER: Uh, it’s the one by the train tracks.

KING: The train tracks? Where is there one by the train tracks?

MACGRUDER: Right by the movie theater.

FLEISHMAN: Oh. Is that new?

MOLTZ: Can we get back to the issue at hand? Now, when we last looked at the big board, Jobs was ahead by 4.5 million votes, but a write-in candidate was coming up fast. Who was that again, Chet?

MACGRUDER: Uh… let’s see… it was… “Phil McCracken”. He has eight votes.

MOLTZ: Um… Well, I think we’ll just go ahead and call this one for Jobs.

In honor of Halloween, Crazy Apple Rumors Site presents the following list of Apple terrors. This list is not for those under 17, pregnant women or elderly gentlemen with weak tickers.

1. The iPod battery… THAT WOULDN’T DIE! (AAAAAIIIEEEEE!)
2. The switcher… WHO JUST BITCHES AND BITCHES AND BITCHES ABOUT HOW MUCH BETTER IT WAS ON WINDOWS BUT WON’T SWITCH BACK! (NOOOOOOOOOO!)
3. The MacBook Pro… THAT BURNS THE LOINS! (ARRRRRRRRGGGG!)
4. The Microsoft-friendly blogger… WHO KNOWS WHAT APPLE MUST DO TO SURVIVE! (OH, NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!)
5. Dinner with… GEORGE OU! (BLEAAAAARRRRRRGGG!)
6. Three hours on a Sunday afternoon watching… A PRESENTATION AT YOUR LOCAL MUG ENTITLED “GETTING THE MOST OUT OF OS 9”! (WHY DON’T YOU FUCKING UPGRADE?!)
7. Steve Jobs… QUITS TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH HIS FAMILY! (AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!)

[shudder]

I don’t know about you, but I’m not sleeping tonight.

A disturbing report on what is clearly the upcoming iPhone leads to the incontrovertible conclusion that what many hoped would be the next flagship Apple product just looks like crap.

“What the hell is that?” asked the New York Times’ David Pogue. “What a fricking piece of crap!”

Pogue’s criticism was echoed by other analysts.

“Here I was thinking the iPhone was going to be this incredibly cool, slim device, said the Wall Street Journal’s Walt Mossberg.

“But this… this looks like a pack of smokes with a couple of buttons on it.”

Others attempted to explain away the appearance of the images in the patent application.

“Haven’t you ever seen those concept cars?” asked Wired’s Leander Kaheny. “Well, the finished product never looks like the concept.

“Of course… in that example the concept always looks better than the finished product. And this…

“Jesus, what a piece of crap.”

Apple declined to comment for this story, but did ask “What? You don’t like it?”

After its early release yesterday, Apple CEO Steve Jobs held a hasty press conference this morning to announce Firefox 2.0.

Which struck the technology world as unusual as Apple does not make Firefox.

“Firefox 2.0 is the best browser for the Mac, Jobs said. “And here’s why.

“It’s standards-driven, stable and faster than lightning. It’s my new browser of choice for OS X.”

Drawing nothing but blank, confused stares from the gathered members of the media, Jobs added “I went straight from Internet Explorer to Firefox.”

Jobs then denied ever having heard the word “Safari” before, including in its African context.

Listening to a webcast of Jobs’ presentation, lead Firefox developer Ben Goodger asked “What the hell is he talking about?”

Realization suddenly coming over Goodger’s face, he cried “Hey… hey… HEY! He… he’s stealing our project!”

Indeed, according to sources in the know, much as he did with the Macintosh over twenty years ago, Jobs is now attempting to steal Firefox.

“First there was Lisa and the Mac, now it’s Safari and Firefox,” said Andy Hertzfeld. “Well, you’ve got to give Steve credit. He knows a quality product.”

Hertzfeld then complained that Jobs stole his lunch once in June of 1983.

“It was a cheese sandwich on wheat with lettuce and sprouts,” Hertzfeld said angrily.

“I… I still think of that sandwich sometimes…”

As is now widely known to be truth, Apple will reveal its iPhone at January’s Macworld, setting the cell phone market on its ear (no pun intended) as it did before to the markets for personal computers, digital music and sex with robots.

Think Secret reports that the iPhone will be Cingular-only for the first six months and that Apple expects to sell 25 million in the first year.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site sources confirmed Think Secret’s report and also learned the following:

• The iPhone will come in silver, black and white, but not brown because that’s stupid. I mean, who would do that? Brown’s a horrible color for an electronic device. You’d have to be an idiot to try to… OK, I think I’ve made my point.
• The device will also function as an iPod, with the ability to download music wirelessly. Cingular has not set pricing for download time, but the words “charge them up the ass” were used in several company documents.
• Several times during the development of this deal, Cingular pushed for there to be a little kitty that walked you through the interface. Apple at first declined politely but, when Cingular kept pushing it, had to yell “NO! There isn’t going to be a stupid kitty! That’s stupid! Your idea is stupid! You’re stupid!” Then there was an uncomfortable silence before Apple apologized and said maybe there could be a kitty in there somewhere.
• For some reason the iPhone is actually going to be the size of car battery.
• Neat feature: instead of ringtones, smelltones. “Sniff-sniff. Is that bacon?” “Oh! I have a call!”
• Optional snap-on faceplates make your iPhone feel like buttah.
• Innovative design of hardware and software that works together seamlessly means your iPhone won’t suck donkey dick like all the other phones you’ve had.

In related news, Apple is also rumored to be getting into the market for other premium products, such as HD TVs, olive oil misters and those fancy paper things you put on turkey legs.