Johnny Appleseed Leaves Apple

In a shocking announcement, long-time Apple employee Johnny Appleseed has left the company to join a startup in the social networking industry.

Apple PR officials curtly confirmed the move made by the iconic employee who has been used as the representative product user in Apple demos for years.

“Mr. Appleseed no longer works at Apple,” the company said in a brief statement.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site was able to confirm that Appleseed has taken a position as a “Marketing and Brand Ninja” at Pltz.com (pronounced “Plotz dot com”).

Interviewed at his new place of employment, Appleseed said he felt the time was right for a change.

“I don’t know if you’re heard, but Tim Cook’s no Steve Jobs,” Appleseed said. “I mean, not that I interacted with Steve. Or Tim. Anyway, I’m pretty sure Apple’s done innovating. ‘iPhone 5’? Puh-leez. Also, I just felt like trying something different. Something, uh, without health care, apparently. I didn’t actually know that before I accepted the position.”

Asked if there was any bad blood between him and Apple, Appleseed was frank.

“I felt like I was just a joke to them! ‘Oh! Your name is Appleseed! We should use you in all of our demos, hahahaha!’ Jesus. Screw you guys.”

Appleseed expressed enthusiasm for the change and thought Pltz.com was going to be the big success story in the social networking space over the next five years.

“We’re kind of the Sharepoint of Facebook, so…”

From across the room a coworker corrected Appleseed. “Dude, no. The venture capitalists nixed that. We’re the Pinterest of… uh… HEY, JERRRY! WHAT ARE WE THE PINTEREST OF?”

“LINKEDIN!”

“Right. We’re the Pinterest of LinkedIn.”

Appleseed stared at him blankly for a minute and then said “I get to wear a lot of hats here. It’s exciting. You can just… say I said that.”

Apple declined to comment on who might replace Appleseed in demos in the future, but a new jobs opening for someone with “an Apple-themed name” on the company’s web site indicated the company is recruiting for the position.

LIVE WWDC KEYNOTE COVERAGE

Oh, what the hell.

10:17 – So far, NO ANNOUNCEMENTS. There was a filmstrip and it broke in the middle and Scott Forstall couldn’t fix it so Bob Mansfield took everyone outside for fifteen minutes to play kickball. Now we’re back inside.

10:21 – Phil Schiller has taken the stage and is announcing that, as only Apple could do, the company is CANCELING its entire line of highly popular MacBooks. Schiller says you will love their new line of netbooks featuring plastic enclosures. Stunned silence. Schiller coughs. Then leaves the stage.

10:25 – Tim Cook retakes the stage. His shirt is untucked and you can see his Cesarean scar. Very disturbing. He keeps massaging it idly.

10:30 – There’s some confusion. Schiller and Cook are struggling with the microphone. Schiller wins! He’s announcing a Next Generation MacBook Pro! Cook is still trying to grab the microphone, but Schiller is holding him at bay, his palm placed flatly on Cook’s forehead as Cook swings wildly at Schiller! The Next Generation MacBook Pro features a fabulous new design they call “chunky”! It has an industry-leading 8 VGA ports, a floppy drive and a SCSI port for all your peripherals!

10:33 – Cook performs an Aikido move on Schiller and hurls him into the stands, snatching the microphone! He disowns him! “You’re no son of mine! I have no son!” Then he returns to massaging his Cesarian scar, with even more vigor.

10:38 – FEED IS DOWN TEMPORARILY. WE NOW SWITCH YOU LIVE TO THE GIZMODO COVERAGE.

Next Generation MacBook Pro. Screen has a lot of pixels but isn’t 3D. Lame.

10:43 – OK, we’re back. Next Generation MacBook Pro has a fan with blades that are spaced asymmetrically. If you have OCD, please check with your therapist before buying this laptop.

10:46 – Next Generation MacBook Pro is $2,199 and is so fast it shipped three weeks ago and you didn’t even notice it.

10:50 – Craig Federighi has taken the stage to talk about OS X and I’d like to point out that “Craig Federighi” is a FAKE name. His real name is “Craig Fahgahbooooooooooooza.”

10:54 – Something something iCloud. Something something Mountain Lion. Something something Messages. OK, I’m actually at the concession stand getting some peanuts and Red Vines.

10:59 – Did you know Apple’s been selling its own line of hand-crafted blender mayonnaise for five years?

Huh.

11:02 – Power Nap keeps your Mac up to date while you sleep. It handles your calls and takes care of your kids. It’ll call you mom and even service your wife. In fact… YOU NEED NEVER WAKE UP EVER AGAIN. DUN-DUN-DUNNNNNNN.

11:07 – An hour in and a stranger enters. He wanders about the stage, curiously dressed in turn of the century garb with a curled mustache and a cane. It’s as if no one sees this stranger. They continue on demonstrating operating system features while the stranger looks over their shoulders and smiles an evil grin. He tips his top hat and departs as the audience feels a shiver go down their spine.

11:16 – Now, iOS 6.0! “Siri has been out for 8 months and has been studying up.” That’s why she hasn’t had time to answer anything you’ve asked her.

11:22 – Siri is now ready to talk about your relationship with her and what YOU’VE done to try to improve things. SHE CAN’T DO EVERYTHING, YOU KNOW.

11:25 – Facebook. Barf.

11:27 – New feature: Do Not Disturb. It’ll turn off your phone. Apple will also be shipping the Do Not Disturb iPhone that has no phone! … Yes, it’s an iPod touch. But think of the hours of your life you’ll get back!

11:32 – “Look, seriously, we are just completely out of ideas since Steve died.”

11:38 – Apple introduces a new app: Coupon Clipper. No more taking that giant purse to the grocery store with all those coupons in them! Coupons are stored conveniently in an app! You’ll save as much as 17 cents on toilet paper!

11:46 – New Maps! Features Turn By Turn navigation and Flyover, a 3D view. Note that Flyover is not available in so-called “Flyover” states because, according to Scott Forstall, “no one cares about them. Seriously, the data isn’t even available. We looked. Not real hard, but we looked. There’s like the Corn Palace and that’s it.”

11:54 – Tim Cook returns to deliver One More Thing! LIVE SNAKES! AAAAAAIIIIIIEEEEEE! OH, GOD, THE SNAKES! THEY’RE EVERYWHERE! HELP ME! PEOPLE ARE RUNNING AND TRAMPLING OVER EACH OTHER! OH, THIS IS HORRIBLE! I’VE BEEN BITTEN BY WHAT I BELIEVE IS A CORN SNAKE. I’M… I’M FADING… PEOPLE RUSHING PAST. ANOTHER SNAKE IS NEAR MY FACE. OH, NO. DEAR GOD, NOOOOOOOOOO

More stuff there you used to read here!

I love my parents. They had just gotten back from a long trip overseas on Thursday and, as exhausted as they were, they called me to say they were sorry to hear about Steve Jobs.

Which is so nice and also kind of weird, right? It’s not like I ever even met Steve. But they knew that while I’m too old to have heroes, if I did have heroes he would have been one of them.

Then, for the second time this year, my dad surprised me. The first was when he told me that he had met Ian Flemming back in the 1960s. This time it was telling me he had actually met Jobs, back in 1980.

Apple was about to go public and Jobs came to New York to drum up interest in the company’s IPO. My dad worked for a money management firm and spent an hour with others in the company listening to Jobs talk up Apple.

It was hard for my dad to remember much, but I asked him if there was anything, even just impressions, he could recall.

He wore a suit and tie and his hair was slightly long. Full of energy and conviction he made his case that his computer was the best and there was no way he would share the operating system with others. He was a great salesman and very focused.

We all found him and his fledging company exciting and fun.

Can you imagine?

In retrospect I’m sure Thursday wasn’t the first time he’s told me he met Jobs. After Jobs was on the cover of Time in 1982, that issue sat on our kitchen counter for what seemed like a year, right next to where I put my books when I got home from school. I’m sure he must have mentioned it then: “Hey, I met this guy!” or I don’t think I would have made note of it.

Thinking back I think I kept that issue because I found Jobs interesting, long before I used any of Apple’s products. The guy made computers. And money. And was only 10 years older than me. How do I get in on that?

Hard work, it turns out. Hard work and inspiration. And determination.

Eight years later when I bought my first computer I knew I wanted a Mac. There wasn’t any question.

As I told my pal Shawn King on a memoriam edition of Your Mac Life he put together, I know some of the executives read my stupid web site from time to time and I’d like to think that Steve read some of my pieces and maybe one made him laugh. Like this one about Avie Tevanian inexplicably going through puberty again. I know Tevanian at least read it because he emailed me about to make a small correction about his age (true story). I updated the story because I care.

The first time I saw Steve in person was on stage at Macworld Expo 2007 when he introduced the iPhone. He had been struggling with cancer for years at that point and sitting there in the crowd it was clear how important the event was to him. I think maybe he realized this might be the last biggest thing he ever did, the last time he really changed the world. Again.

I was glad I got to see it. Glad I got to see what was probably the biggest Macworld announcement ever. Glad I shared that moment with him, even if I was just another head in that sea of nerds.

After knowing about Steve Jobs for 30 years, I’m sad there won’t be any more chances for him to change the world.

Macworld asked me to contribute to their 2012 predictions piece which also features Jacqui Cheng, Adam Engst, John Gruber, Andy Ihnatko, Arnold Kim and the Macalope.

Somehow, they gave me a higher rating for my predictions for last year than they gave Adam. Only because I successfully stereotyped MUG members. How hard is that?

Anyway, if you used to like this site, you might like my predictions.

Gear Guide: Products we’d like to see

Hey, CARS-istas! For your holiday enjoyment, I did a thing for Macworld similar to the things I used to do here except they added some really nice artwork unlike the crap I used to slap together so if you used to enjoy the things I did here perhaps you would enjoy the thing I did there.

I don’t know. I’m not sure I remember how the Internet works.

Is this thing on?

Aaaaand apparently the most recent WordPress update broke the theme. That’s. Just. Great.

Update: Fixed! It’s a Christmas miracle!