The Kilo Post.

Hey! Looky there! Welcome to post 1, 00!

As it suddenly occurs to me we’ve been busting our humps for over 999 posts (a number of posts didn’t come over in the great Movable Type to WordPress conversion). So we’re taking a day off.

You got a problem with that? Eat it.

Frankly, you people brought this on yourselves. I frankly don’t look at those numbers because they don’t really mean jack diddly, but a number of you pointed it out to me and tried to put all this pressure on for it to be this big deal and were talking about how everyone would get free ice cream and there would be pudding and pony rides and unexpected visits from old friends like Vinz Machete and Glaarku and Gary and Jon Rubinstein.

Hey, did you know he’s at Palm now? Ha-ha! Good luck with that, Ruby!

But anyway…

Here we are.

Oh, but for ellipsis fans, don’t worry. That won’t be all. There’s another one coming up.

I know I keep saying stuff like “Oh, no post today because my sewer line is out” (it actually is out, but do you care? Noooo.), but isn’t this really a post? When is a post not a post?

Hmm. Probably when it doesn’t discuss an Apple rumor, I guess.

OK, fine.

As a boy, Steve Jobs fired a puppy.

No, really. It’s true. It’s on the Internet, isn’t it?

OK. Now, the Kilo Post… (there you go) is yours.

Try not to mess up the side view mirrors.

And don’t play with the radio.

The Mac Vs. Windows – DEATH CAGE MATCH!

For those of you who might have missed our posting earlier today, CNet’s Tom Krazit was kind enough to quote me in a piece on the whole Mac vs. Windows thing you may have heard of once or twice in the past 17 years. While we were pleased that Krazit sought the opinion of such a respected Apple publication, the piece misses several salient points of the debate, which I will now elucidate.

  • PC users usually smell like dirty sweat socks. Mac users always smell as fresh as a summer rose. If only because so many of us use Summer Rose Feminine Deodorant Spray.
  • PC users iz stoopid. Mac users iz teh smart.
  • While one often hears about how Macs are gay, simple statistics dictate that because there are more Windows users, there are more Windows users who are gay. Even if gay people are more inclined to use the Mac simply because they have a better sense of style, statistically, more gay people use Windows. So, who’s gay now? Why it is you, the Windows user who is gay. On the other hand, you do look good in those chaps. I couldn’t pull off that look, but you make it look good. Do you work out? Not that I’m hitting on you or anything. I’m not. I’m just saying if I were gay…
  • It’s a well-known fact that Windows crashes all the time and that Macs never c
  • [bong!]
  • I heard that Bill Gates spent the summer of 1978 killing hookers in Albuquerque and, if you listen closely, you can still hear their screams every time Windows boots up. Well, that’s what I heard. But it’s also possible it’s just the screams of the people who have to use Windows. Most of whom are corporate hookers which kind of brings the whole argument full circle. QED.
  • For the last time, Mac users do not believe that Steve Jobs is god! Ha-ha-ha! Don’t be foolish! That would be absurd! Preposterous! We simply believe – and this should be fairly obviously true to everyone based on the evidence at hand! – that he is Der Ubermensch, a perfectly evolved individual whose indomitable will will bring about a utopian society where Mac users and iPod users alike will live in perfect harmony with nature and their fellow Mac and iPod users. And, yes, Windows users must be purged in the flames of perdition as the leeching vermin that they are. But believing he’s god? Ha-ha! That would be silly!
  • Humorous names that Steve Ballmer has called Bill Gates include Nerdie McSweatervest, Slouchy McJuicebox, Frumpy McScrawny, Foureyes McFloodpants and Donnie Dorko. I don’t really have a point here, I just think it’s funny.

So, from the perspective of this site, we are clearly ready to leave the old Mac vs. Windows debate behind. We are so over that. Live and let live.

As long as we get the last word.

Jobs Names Successor.

In a surprise move known only to the members of the Apple board, CEO Steve Jobs has settled a potentially divisive controversy by naming his successor.

While rumors had previously swirled around Tim Cook, Phil Schiller and most recently Jonathan Ive, sources indicate Jobs has gone outside the company.

“He felt that choosing someone inside the company could set off a civil war,” a source said. “Which sounds dramatic but really just means a lot of slap fights in the hallway. Although, no one wants that, either. It just looks so pathetic.”

Not only has Jobs gone outside the company, he has also gone outside the country. For the next Apple CEO will be Russian President Vladimir Putin.

According to published reports, Putin has set the stage for his move to Apple by picking his own successor, Dmitry Medvedev. In an ironic twist, Medvedev’s successor will actually be an iPod shuffle.

“This is an excellent choice,” said Macworld editor Jason Snell. “Putin is a lot like Jobs. He’s highly secretive, ruthlessly unforgiving, and mercurial. And, while he isn’t known to wear black mock turtlenecks, he might even turn it up a notch.”

Jobs currently has no plans to step down, but Putin is reportedly already familiarizing himself with Apple’s products. He’s also rumored to be having Lenin’s body relocated to a strip mall in Minsk so a really bitching Apple Store can be constructed in the Red Square mausoleum.

“I am so going to that opening,” Snell said.

Cyber Apocalypse Heats Up.

I keep hearing this whiny-assed crap from no good Mac-using bitches that are sitting at home in their parents’ basement wondering when the Cyber Apocalypse is going to affect them.

Well, game on, my multi-sided-dice-rolling Cheeto-snarfing HyperCard-using evil-goat-worshipping cream puffs.

Because word on the street is Steve Wozniak just got turned into a robot.

“Oh, noes! Not teh Woz!” sez my little LOL kitties. “I can has Woz?!”

No! You can, uh, not has Woz! Give it a try! You’ll be all “Oh, Woz, you’re the funny and personable Apple co-founder, what with your dating of noted comediennes and penchant for cutting your meat with a business card and disinclination to fire people at the drop of a hat! Give me some sugar!”

And he’ll be all “CRUSH. KILL. DESTROY. CRUSH. KILL. DESTROY.”

And don’t say we didn’t warn you, my nasty hoes. No, since day one (literally!) we’ve been the only Apple site to give you the straight poop on this so-called “Woz” and how he’s a threat to the youth of America. And a brain-sucking zombie.

Why, check out this criticism of Woz we offered over a year ago:

Wozniak is probably the most fluffed Apple celebrity there is. While Jobs gets more praise, he also gets a lot of criticism. Wozniak is uniformly treated like a great big teddy bear that is just so snuggle-ums and wuv-ums wherever he goes.

Indeed. And now he’s a psycho killer robot. Advantage Crazy Apple Rumors Site.

So, look. I don’t want to hear a lot of namby-pamby crap about how the Cyber Apocalypse don’t affect you.

Let me put this in terms even the dimmest Mac user can understand.

Steve Wozniak is coming to destroy you and everything you hold dear.

Your best bet is to try to dump him into a vat of liquid oxygen in the hopes that you can shatter him in such a manner that his liquid metal composites will not be able to reform the WozBot.

That’s right.

The WozBot.

Go see if any of the other so-called Apple news and rumor sites are giving you the 411 on the great threat posed by the WozBot.

I’ll wait.