Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
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Q: Hey! Did you see that QuickTime update the other day?!

A: Well, sure.

Q: They patched like 44 vulnerabilities! What the hell is that?!

A: Uh, you’d rather they didn’t patch flaws?

Q: No! I’d rather they didn’t make mistakes!

A: Well, mistakes are inevitable. And you pay attention to what’s critical. Apple just hasn’t been hit by any attacks and they probably thought that might change with the Mac’s market share moving up…

Q: You know, I know there are words coming out of your mouth but all I hear is “Blah, blah, blah.” It is unacceptable for Apple to make a mistake! Ever!

A: Oh. So, you had a machine that was exploited because of one of these flaws?

Q: No! What… why do you keep talking and asking me questions?!

A: I’m just trying to figure out why you seem so angry over a bug fix.

Q: Because Apple’s shipping shit and forcing us to eat it!

A: Did you have some kind of data loss or…

Q: NO! Man, why are you trying to kill my indignation buzz?!

A: I’m kind of obnoxious that way.
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Q: Dude.

A: Uh, yeah?

Q: Dude. I’m going to do it.

A: Do what?

Q: I’m going to open… my iPod touch.

A: What?! No! People like you are why we can’t have nice things!

Q: What are you talking about? We have nice things. Like the iPod touch.

A: No, no, no! We’d have other even nicer things if Steve didn’t have to cry himself to sleep every night because he knew some jackass somewhere was taking apart his beautiful hardware!

Q: Like what things?

A: Like the tablet! And the teeny weeny laptop! And sexbots! And the Hasselbecker Manifold!

Q: The what?!

A: Uh, whoops. I’ve said too much.

Q: “The Hasselbecker Manifold”?

A: Um, please stay at your house. Someone will be out momentarily.

Q: Huh?

A: If you could just sit with your back to the door…

Q: Uh… are you going to rub me out?

A: What?! No! No, no, no. No.

Q: OK.

A: Well, actually, yes. See, you’re just not supposed to know about the Hasselbecker Manifold. There are certain rumors that even rumor sites aren’t supposed to talk about. And the Hasselbecker Manifold is definitely one of those.

Q: I swear I won’t tell anyone.

A: Ha-ha! That’s funny because that’s the same thing the guy who found out about the iPhone said! And then that whole thing got blown about a year ago.

Q: What happened to him?

A: Um… you don’t like hot dogs, do you?

Q: Not… anymore.
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Q: Maybe you can help me out. I’m wondering if there are any good pickup lines for Mac geeks. A friend of mine works in construction and he’s always got these awesome pickup lines for women.

A: Like what?

Q: Like “Do you work in a lumber yard? Because you’re giving me wood!”

A: Uh, yeah, that is… awesome.

Q: Oh, yeah.

A: Well, OK. How about this one: “Are you a disk intensive activity? Because you’re spinning up my hard drive!”

Q: Ooh, not bad!

A: Or, “Are you a gaussian blur on a 50 MB file on a Performa? Because you’re really extending my progress bar!”

Q: Yeah! Or “Are you online porn? Because I’m masturbating to you!”

A: Um…

Q: Too much?

A: A bit.

Apple Wins Dismissal of Suit.

Apple executives were jubilant today over the announcement that the company had won the dismissal of a lawsuit claiming its executives unfairly profited from improperly backdated stock options while investors suffered because of diluted share prices.

“Perhaps this will be a lesson to people in the future, said Apple’s newly minted general counsel Daniel Cooperman. “Mess with the bull… you get the horns.”

Cooperman then topped off his cliché by putting his index fingers up by his temples and jabbing his head at reporters several times.

Satisfied he made his point, Cooperman put his hands down and noted “Danny’s one for one, bay-bee! And there’s more where that came from, bee-otch!”

He then pantomimed riding a horse and slapped his own behind several times.

CEO Steve Jobs said “I’m thrilled that justice has been served in this case. Clearly, there was no intent to improperly reward ourselves. We have ever only had the interests of our investors and our customers at heart.”

Jobs received a hearty round of applause from the gathered members of Apple’s executive group as well as several investment analysts.

“Now if you’ll excuse me,” Jobs said, “I’m going to go backdate the shit out of some options.”

Jobs then disappeared into a back room from which he could be heard to shout “June 12, 1996! November 6, 1990! September 23rd, 1981! March 8th, 1968! Oh, that was a good one!”

For their part, the plaintiffs indicated they recognized their case was an uphill battle.

“Admittedly,” said plaintiffs’ lead counsel Roger Fogelstein, “it’s a little hard to claim you were damaged by diluted stock prices when the company’s stock is at like a bazillion dollars a share right now.”

Apple stock rose even further on the news, then dropped back down when Jobs started backdating options and then rose again when someone saw a squirrel.

Apple To Update Cancelled Application.

In a rare capitulation, Apple announced today that it would be reviving an old standby, purely to silence to a small but noisy – and possibly insane – subgroup of customers.

The statement read in its entirety:

OK, god damn it, yes, we will create a version of HyperCard for OS X and update it in perpetuity!!! OK?! Now will you shut the hell up and leave us alone?!

In sure sign that no good deed ever goes unpunished, it was the release of Bento that was the final straw in the metaphorical camel’s back.

After yesterday’s announcement of Bento, FileMaker and Apple support were flooded with queries asking if it imported HyperCard stacks and if not, why not? And why not why not? And, well, just what was Apple’s continuity plan for HyperCard on Leopard anyway? And are you going to finish those fries? I know they fell on the floor, but they’re perfectly good and you wouldn’t want to waste them like you wasted the awesomest application ever and… hey, where are you going?!

“These people are relentless!” said an exasperated senior vice president of applications Sina Tamaddon. “They’re way worse than Newton users. They’re like zombies! These people show up at your house!

“I literally got down on my knees and begged [CEO] Steve [Jobs] to let someone spend a couple of hours to port it to OS X.”

HyperCard fans were typically self-righteous about the announcement.

“Apple has seen the error of its ways,” said Lester Poindexter, president of the HyperCard Users Group Of The World, As Represented By A Heavily Pixellated Image Of A Map Of The Globe In This Cool HyperCard Stack Where You Can Click On Each Country And It Will Show You Information About That Country And It Only Took Me Like Five Minutes To Make Because HyperCard Is That Easy And Cool.

Pushing his glasses up on his nose and hiking his pants to a height that usually requires submitting a flight plan to the FAA, Poindexter then insisted the rest of the interview be done through an interactive HyperCard stack it only took him “like five minutes to put together, tops.”

“Clearly, we were able to sway Apple with the logic of our argument that HyperCard is the bestest rapid development environment ever,” Poindexter’s stack said. “And all it took was hiding in Sina Tamaddon’s bathtub a few times to make it happen.”

This was followed by an animation of Poindexter’s head popping up from a bathtub.

Neither Poindexter or his stack were humble in the face of victory.

“This is just as my stack and I have been saying every five minutes for the last 15 years,” Poindexter said. “Isn’t that right, stack?”

The stack then emitted what sounded like a poorly recorded system sound of R2-D2 chirping.

HyperCard X is expected to be released really soon because Apple just can’t take this shit anymore.

Apple Offers New "Tour" Video.

Apple is offering yet another video introduction to one of the company’s most discussed products. Hosted by “John” of “Leopard Tour” fame, the “Tour of iPod Socks” was release late this afternoon to the bewilderment of many.

While instructional videos are generally considered a plus, Apple followers were at a loss to explain why the company would release one concerning nothing more than a knitted sleeve you slide your iPod into to protect it from scratches.

“I don’t even think they make iPod socks anymore,” said a confused Walt Mossberg of the Wall Street Journal. “Do they? I hope not.”

At the time of publication, no one Crazy Apple Rumors Site reporters spoke with had been willing to waste the time to download the video, so no one was able to discuss why it was over a half hour long.

“You slide it in, you slide it out,” said Macworld associate editor Dan Moren. “What the hell could they possible have to discuss in a half an hour? How to launder them?”

Pausing momentarily and stroking his beard, Moren said “Hmm. It could be how to launder them.”

Sources at Apple defended the decision to waste their time to create this video and offer it for download from iTunes.

“Hey, there are a good fifteen or twenty people who’ve bought iPod Socks,” said iPod product marketing manager Stan Ng. “That’s well worth the, um, $100,000 we spent creating this video.”

Ng shuffled his feet uncomfortably for a minute.

“Actually, um, no it’s not. At a price per unit of $29 that’s just not possible. I realize that. It’s, um, it’s… I didn’t… er…

“It was Phil [Schiller]’s idea.”

Suddenly, Mossberg burst into the room and exclaimed “Oh, my god! They do still sell them! Does this make sense to anyone?!”

Mossberg was followed by Moren who said “You know, it could be that long to discuss how to strategically dry the iPod Socks in order to move down from the older units that used larger hard drives to new units.”

In the confusion of the appearance of Mossberg and Moren, Ng escaped through a side door.

Steve Jobs Offers Further "Thoughts".

In a bizarre misfiring of Apple’s usually spot-on PR machine, CEO Steve Jobs issued another in his continuing series of public blog-style posts on Apple’s web site. While other offerings covered digital music and third party applications for the iPhone, the subject of today’s missive was unexpected.

In a 5,000 word essay published today, Jobs offered his “Thoughts On Hotpants”.

Whatever happened to hotpants? Man, I really digged those. Those were awesome. Women should start wearing those again. I’m sure they couldn’t have been terribly comfortable – kind of like walking around with a permanent wedgie.

Why do some people say “wedgie” and some people say “snuggy”? Are those the same thing?

Anyway, man did they look hot! Hey, is that where they got the name?! “Hot pants”? Wow, I just thought of that.

Man, I am so baked.

Do brownies have animal products in them?

Eh, screw it. I’m getting me some brownies.

Some Apple followers took this as a sign that the company would be branching out into the realm of crotch-cutting women’s fashions.

“I’ve long thought that Apple should make sexy garments for fabulous babes,” said Your Mac Life‘s Shawn King.

“But I think that about a lot of companies.”

Apple spokesperson Cynthia McLaren refused to confirm or deny whether or not Jobs’ opining on the subject of hotpants indicated a new direction for the company.

“All I know is, I have to go out and get a big plate of brownies,” McLaren sighed.