Special Thursday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk Leopard Special! Special!

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

But tomorrow we’re going to be off gettin’ our Leopard on and so are you so, you know, we’ll just see you there. But today we’re giving you the skinny on Apple’s new OS!
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Q: Oh, man, I am so stoked about Leopard! Yeah!

A: Yeah. It’s gonna be a nice upgrade.

Q: Nice?! Dude, it’s so gonna rock! Do you know the first thing I’m gonna do when I get home with it?

A: Install it?

Q: No! I’m gonna sit on it!

A: Um… what?

Q: Yeah! I’m going to take the disk out of the box and I’m gonna sit on it until the circle of the DVD is imprinted on my ass!

A: Why… the hell would you do that?

Q: Then I’d be the dude with Leopard on his ass!

A: But it’d just wear off in like five minutes.

Q: Ah, but what a glorious five minutes!

A: You’re… odd.

Q: Yeah, just you wait. Come Saturday everybody’s gonna be talking about the dude with Leopard imprinted on his ass. Make that Zune tattoo guy look like a simp.

A: He already looks like a simp.

Q: Well… more of one.
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Q: My question is more of a tactical one about the best way to get my hands on Leopard.

A: Shoot.

Q: Is it OK to knock old ladies over in the mad rush to get in the Apple Store door?

A: …

Q: Well, OK, tactical and moral.

A: Old ladies? No. It’s never OK to knock over old ladies. Well… it would have been OK at the iPhone release but… missed opportunities and whatnot.

Q: Oh. What about teenagers?

A: Oh, totally. Frankly, you can shove them to the ground any time.

Q: That’s what I thought. OK, pre-teens?

A: Mmm, that’s a gray area. You’re gonna have to call an audible on that one, my friend. Just use your best judgement.

Q: Paraplegic?

A: Um, no.

Q: Man! This is hard! You’d think Apple would publish some kind of chart or something.

A: Right. They should totally do that.
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Q: I have a question about backing up my Mac before I install Leopard.

A: What?!

Q: Um, well, I was wondering what the easiest way to back my Mac up…

A: Ha-ha! What a wuss!

Q: “Wuss”? Does anyone even say that anymore?

A: Only when there’s a major-league wuss around!

Q: Hey, backing up is a very important step…

A: I’m sorry, Jennifer…

Q: It’s Lewis.

A: …if you want to copy your pwecious data onto some fricking floppies or something, that’s your business. Heh-heh. “Backup”.

Q: You’re not a very good Help Desk guy.

A: Oh, please, like I’m worried about your opinion you great big pansy. Just man up and fire up that upgrade, nnkay?

Apple Releases Vintage OS Collection.

In the run-up to Leopard’s release, Apple announced today that it is releasing a 9-DVD collection of the company’s greatest operating system hits.

CEO Steve Jobs said “Yes, they’re all there! Tiger, Puma, OS 7.5, System Software 6.0.2, all those wonderful operating systems of yesteryear!”

Appearing from behind a curtain, senior vice president of worldwide marketing Phil Schiller said “That’s right, Steve! You get Jaguar, OS 8.6, System 7.1.1 and even System Software 6.0.6, which was only previously only released as an embedded part of the ROM of the Macintosh Classic!

“And, of course, who can forget System 7.1 Pro?”

The Apple Vintage Operating System Collection contains these hauntingly familiar OSes:

A/UX
Apple DOS
Apple GS/OS
Apple Lisa
Apple ProDOS
System 1.0, Finder 1.0
System 1.1, Finder 1.1g
System 2.0, Finder 4.1
System 2.1, Finder 5.0
System 3.0, Finder 5.1
System 3.2, Finder 5.3
System 3.3, Finder 5.4
System 3.4, Finder 6.1
System 4.0, Finder 5.4
System 4.1, Finder 5.5
System Software 5.0
System Software 5.1
System Software 6.0
System Software 6.0.1 (includes drum solo by Neil Peart)
System Software 6.0.2
System Software 6.0.3
System Software 6.0.4
System Software 6.0.5
System Software 6.0.6
System Software 6.0.7
System Software 6.0.8
System Software 6.0.8L
System 7.0
System 7.0.1
System 7 Tuner
System 7.1
System 7.1 Pro
System 7.1.2
System 7.1.2
System 7.5
System 7.5.1
System 7.5.2
System 7.5.3
System 7.5.3L (not included because of licensing conflicts)
System 7.5.3 Revision 2
System 7.5.3 Revision 2.1
System 7.5.4 (not previously released on floppy disk, CD or DVD!)
System 7.5.5
Mac OS 7.6
Mac OS 7.6.1
System 7.0.1P
System 7.1P1
System 7.1P2
System 7.1P3
System 7.1P4
System 7.1P5
System 7.1P6
Mac OS 8.0
Mac OS 8.1
Mac OS 8.5 (guaranteed to rawk your sawks and crash your system!)
Mac OS 8.5.1
Mac OS 8.6
Mac OS 9.0
Mac OS 9.0.2
Mac OS 9.0.3
Mac OS 9.0.4
Mac OS 9.1
Mac OS 9.2
Mac OS 9.2.1
Mac OS 9.2.2
Mac OS X 10.0 (Cheetah)
Mac OS X 10.1 (Puma)
Mac OS X 10.2 (Jaguar)
Mac OS X 10.3 (Panther)
Mac OS X 10.4 (Tiger)

“But don’t answer yet!” Jobs shouted. “If you act now, I’ll throw in a special bonus DVD with all the NeXT operating system releases! Whatever those were! Frankly, I can’t for the life of me remember!”

“Well, hoooold on a minute, Steve!” Schiller said. “Because I’ve got a box of 5 and 1/4 inch floppies with, uh, I dunno… maybe some Apple II crap on it. Hard to tell. But I’ll throw these in absolutely free!”

“Phil,” Jobs said, “You’re craaaaaaazy!”

Apple then asked how much you’d expect to pay for a fabulous collection of operating systems such as this. $300? $400? $500?

“Well, how about $79.99!” Jobs hollered, now standing about three inches from reporters’ faces.

Reporters nodded mutely to indicate their agreement that this indeed would be a good deal.

The offer will be made exclusively on late-night TV through the fine people at Sessions.

Leopard!

Hey, kids! Have you heard about the Leopard! Oh, yah, it’s the new thing all the hep cats are into! Come Friday, you don’t want to be that one dorkweed still on Tiger! I mean, Tiger? What’s that?!

Ha-ha!

Well, it’s the operating system you’re all running now, of course.

Except for Larry who’s still running OS 9.

Get with the program, Larry!

Now, you may have seen some sites that attempt to give you the 411 on Leopard. But don’t let those bitches use your toothbrush, my friend! We’ve boiled down their “supposed” list of “300 features” to 10 essential things to take away about the Leopard!

Now… Let’s Leopard!

If you’re like me, you have many questions. What is Leopard? What does it do? How does it do it? Who’s responsible? What’s that thing on my back? Is it a mole? Should I have that checked? It’s more like a flap of skin, isn’t it? Does that look right to you? Doesn’t it look like the kind of thing you see on the people who live in the Port Authority terminal? Should I get some kind of an ointment? I probably shouldn’t pull it off with a pair of tweezers…

…or should I?!

Let’s find out!

  1. Leopard runs on your compooter! Provided your compooter is one o’ them there Mac jobbies. It makes the computer go and run fast!
  2. Leopard is one of those cool kids who kind of spans all groups. Like sometimes you’ll see it with the stoners out back of the cafeteria by the dumpster, yah, but it’s also got a letter jacket in track so it can hang with the jocks. And it spent the summer in Paris and totally rules the French Club!
  3. You may have heard that Leopard is made up of ones and zeros. Not true. Leopard is made of fancy cheese!
  4. Did you know that Leopard adds integers and fractions?! It’s true!
  5. Leopard manages the sharing of the resources and processes system data and user input, all while lookin’ all gussied up like! Yeah! It’s tarted up prettier than a $50 whore! Have you seen that Time Machine? Oh, man, would I like to hit that!
  6. Apropos of nothing, Leopard makes its own blender mayonnaise!
  7. Leopard comes with a free sticker! How cool is that?!
  8. If you were to time travel and take a Mac with Leopard loaded on it back to 1973 and were to show some people then what computers will be like in the future, you could totally get some hot 1973 chick into bed with you! But make sure it’s not your mom, dude.
  9. Leopard avenges thee upon those who hath wronged thee!
  10. Leopard is a sense of warm fulfillment, like sitting close to a loved one in a far-away cabin watching the snow fall and drinking hot chocolate. Which is good for you, because everyone hates you and you live in an efficiency and are allergic to chocolate.

So do yourself a favor, princess. Get in your busted-ass AMC Pacer and head down to the Apple Store on Friday and pick up a copy of Tiger.

I mean Leopard.

Whatever.

Or maybe you just need some RCA cables.

Fuck if I know.

Who am I? Kreskin?

Apple Announces the Apple White Slave.

In a surprise announcement on today’s quarterly call with analysts, Apple said that it was adding a new product line that would revolutionize yet another industry: slave trading.

“When we were looking into this, we were surprised at how inefficient slave trading is today,” said Apple CEO Steve Jobs. “Scarce supply, erratic prices often driven by the proximity of law enforcement or the balance of one’s cocaine bill with the buyer. The Apple White Slave takes the guesswork out of finding quality slave labor.”

Jobs said that Apple’s White Slaves – all of which are adults between the ages of 18 and 30 – would all be offered at one flat price of $10,000.

This prompted some analysts to deride the lack of choice.

“This is just another example of how it’s always Apple’s way or the highway,” said Rob Enderle of the Rob and Mary Show. “Let’s say you’re looking to acquire several 9-year-olds. Well, Apple’s not interested in your business.

“This is why they’re going to go out of business any day now. I mean, have you heard they’re into slave trading?! And no 9-year olds! What is up with that?!”

Jobs did point out, however, that despite the name, the Apple White Slave is an equal opportunity forced labor solution.

“White is not in reference to the slave’s race,” Jobs noted. “It’s in reference to a wonderful program, just like (Product)Red program that’s currently available in our iPod lineup. See, it’s not the Apple White Slave, it’s the Apple White Slave. See the difference? And for every Apple White Slave you buy, a portion of your purchase goes to Project White.

“Which, ironically, helps fight the white slave trade. But you know…”

Jobs did say, though, that the Apple White Slave is not for sexual purposes – as the term “white slave” is usually used – and that violation of this term of the license agreement could result in “bricking” of the Apple White Slave.

Although he did not explain how exactly that would happen.

It’s thought that this particular stipulation was added to protect future sales of the Apple Sexbot.

The Apple White Slave will go on sale immediately and be offered exclusively through Apple retail stores on a large wooden block to be added in the back.

Sick

We really wanted to do a Help Desk, but illness has swept through the Crazy Apple Rumors Site offices like Sherman through Atlanta. You’d think with a staff the size of ours at least someone would be well enough but the problem is we have one of those water fountains that has a really weak spout so if one of us gets something, we all get it.

Admittedly, this is probably an aftereffect of staying out late drinking with our Apple sources last night, but how else are we going to get them soused enough to tell us all about the tablet device that’s going to be introduced at Macworld?

Sadly, that didn’t actually pan out as they passed out during the tequila course around 2 AM.

The only one not stricken horribly ill is the Entity who, now sporting the bod of Jennifer fricking Connelly, is just standing around striking seductive poses.

Thanks. That’s really helping. Thanks a bunch.

At any rate, you guys are pretty good at rolling your own Help Desk, so please have at it in the comments. Don’t mind us. We’ll just be lying on the couch and the floor in the break room moaning in pain and waiting for our Tom Yum soup to arrive from East & West Café.

I wonder if the delivery guy will think it’s weird if we ask him to spoon-feed it to us?