Time Off.

As there were some bad feelings over my escapades with the Swedish women’s gymnastic team in the company break room, I’ve decided to give the staff the rest of the week off. I think with John off exploring the wonderful world of waffles, it’s a good idea to let everyone rest up as much as possible since he’ll probably be being chased by hordes of killer automatons when he gets back.

And we’ll be doing a little weapons training next week so I want everyone to be alert. Not like the last time.

Also, the Norwegian women’s volleyball team arrives in an hour and I thought it would be best just to clear everyone out.

I understand it’s traditional to not leave you without something to talk about and, never fear, I have something prepared. Your homework is to discuss the following equation.

Please show your work.

Apple Delivers Quarterly Results.

In a conference call with analysts today, Apple announced results from another banner quarter in which it shipped a record number of Macs as well as posting strong sales for the iPod and the newly launched iPhone.

CFO Peter Oppenheimer and COO Tim Cook also discussed the following on the call.

  • The Apple Tablet is coming along nicely and its flash-based memory is… oh, crap, are we on now?!
  • The company sold 270,000 iPhones in the second quarter, 4 of which AT&T was able to activate.
  • The conference call was punctuated by the sound of squealing Apple executives throwing wads of cash at each other.
  • Analysts complained about a droning noise on the line, but Oppenheimer explained that it was just the sound of Stan Sigman still delivering his Macworld speech.
  • Asked repeatedly to explain the relationship between Apple’s after-tax price/earnings ratio and its cash and cash equivalents balance and how accounting changes in regards to how subscription revenue would be recognized in subsequent quarters would affect the company’s EBITDA (earnings before interest, taxes, depreciation and amortization), Oppenheimer had to admit he had no idea what the fuck analysts were talking about.
  • The company sold 9.8 million iPods but did admit that 7 million of those were sold to 28 individuals who have iPod addiction problems.
  • Toward the end of the call, Cook informed everyone that Clarus the dogcow had been hit by a car late last week and had to be put down.

After the call, Apple declined to comment.

iPhone Activations Lower Than Expected.

Apple’s stock fell sharply today when AT&T announced that in the last two days of the second quarter, the first two days of iPhone sales, it had activated far fewer iPhones than expected.

While analysts had expected that around 200, 00, AT&T reported only 146,000 iPhones had been activated.

This was not surprising to regular Apple customers, however, who were quickly able to explain away the discrepancy.

“Clearly this delay in activation is simply due to iPhone fondling,” said Apple Phone Show host Scott Bourne.

According to Bourne and several other experts reporters spoke with, the purchase of an Apple product is almost always followed by a period lasting hours, sometimes days, when the customer sits and simply caresses it.

“It’s how we get to know an Apple product,” said the Chicago Sun-Times’ Andy Ihnatko. “Me, I take the phone off the hook, slip into something a little more comfortable and put on a little Barry White.”

Ihnatko said he didn’t personally get around to actually activating his iPhone until five days later.

“It was a particularly succulent morsel,” he noted.

A poll of 200 hundred iPhone buyers indicated that product groping may indeed be to blame as slow jazz could be heard playing in the background of 75% of those reached.

Zune Survey Provides Interesting Results.

A poll conducted by Eagle Research Group indicates that 70 percent of Zune users plan on switching to either an iPod or an iPhone as soon as they can.

Clearly, despite Microsoft’s best efforts to put a happy face on its beleaguered digital music player, the Zune is a severe disappointment.

But 70 percent that desired to switch wasn’t the only bad news Eagle Research Found found for the Zune and Microsoft. According to the study:

  • 20 percent of that 70 percent said they’d rather be kicked in the groin than use a Zune again.
  • 95 percent of iPod users volunteered to do the kicking because they felt the Zune users should have known better in the first place.
  • 100 percent of PlaysForSure music is incompatible with the Zune. That wasn’t actually part of the survey, we just like to point it out every chance we get because it’s so fricking hysterical.
  • The number one complaint of the 70 percent who said they would switch: premature squirting.
  • 35 percent of Zune owners have that funky brown Zune smell.
  • 70 percent of Steve Ballmer’s body consists of chicken parts deemed unsuitable for human consumption – mostly waddles and anuses.

That last one actually didn’t come from the survey, it came from the U.S. Poultry Council.

When reached for comment, Apple said that Zune owners would have to apply for iPod ownership and iPhone ownership would only be allowed for those with very good references.

PLEASE STAND BY FOR AN INCOMING TRANSMISSION.

AT 0900 HOURS THIS MORNING, THE FOLLOWING TRANSMISSION WAS RECEIVED FROM CRAZY APPLE RUMORS SITE EDITOR-IN-CHIEF JOHN MOLTZ. THE TRANSMISSION WAS INCOMPLETE – HAVING CLEARLY BEEN SENT IN HASTE AND IN THE DIREST OF CIRCUMSTANCES. IT IS BOTH DISTURBING AND INSPIRING, AND IS PRESENTED HERE IN ITS ENTIRETY IN THE HOPES THAT READERS MAY DERIVE THEIR OWN INSIGHTS INTO THE CYBER APOCALYPSE.

WE ASK THAT YOU POST YOUR THOUGHTS AND INTERPRETATIONS IN THE COMMENTS.

BEGIN TRANSMISSION.

… this thing on?

OK.

Stopped at -anson, MO yesterday to stock up on supplies. Did not bring [enough?] plastic bags. … would think … talking dog would be able to curb himself, but nooooo…

Took us h[ours], but finally scored more mescaline from … 85 … widow. Just in time, too, as Crabb’s image was fading.

He is a fount of knowledge. At once urbane, detailed and highly technical, he is also direct.

When we asked where to find the Entity, he sm…ed me in the middle of the [forehead?] and said “Waffles, young man! Waffles!”

Young?

But … am a fool. Waffles! Of course! I first … the Entity in a Waffle House. Certainly it is near waffles that he will reappear. He is drawn to them … moth to light.

Isn’t everyone? … you … wouldn’t … near waffles? Personally … smeared in syrup. That’s the way I roll.

We shall stick to the open road but … only at night to throw off the metal nightmares that … our trail. … night vision … poor.

… seeking out the great waffle establishments of this fair nation which are [generally? mostly?] open 24-hours-a-day anyway.

THERE IS THEN A LONG, GARBLED PASSAGE OUT OF WHICH THE ONLY WORDS THAT CAN BE MADE OUT ARE “SQUID”, “OCTOPUS” AND… “CRAB”. ONE CAN ONLY IMAGINE THE METAPHYSICAL IMPLICATIONS THAT MIGHT BE BROUGHT TO LIGHT IF ONLY IT COULD BE DECIPHERED.

IT’S ALSO JUST POSSIBLE THEY STOPPED AT A RED LOBSTER OR SOMETHING.

THE PASSAGE CONCLUDES WITH THIS LINK AND IS FOLLOWED BY CLEARER TEXT.

I asked Don about Apple.

How could … that made computers … role in staving off the mechanical beasts … Cyber Apocalypse?

Don stared at me intently. Maybe … the mescaline, but his eyes swirled green, yellow, orange, red, purple, blue. Green, yellow, orange, red, purple, blue.

“Apple … one company that truly makes technology that works for us. Not the other way around.

“When the time comes …

“… lasers …

“… sexbots …

“… Multitouch …

“… user-friendly interface …

“… stem the flood of cold, heartless technological …

“… final battle … One Infinite Loop.”

One.

Infinite.

Loop.

Green. Yellow. Orange.

Red. Purple. Blue.

Green. Yellow. Orange.

Red. Purple. Blue…

Out.

—–

Sent from my iPhone!

END TRANSMISSION.

LET US HAVE A MOMENT OF SILENCE FOR OUR INTREPID TRAVELERS.

…

TONIGHT, DRAW YOUR LOVED ONES CLOSE AND PRAY TO WHATEVER GODS YOU MAY WORSHIP, FOR NONE OF US KNOW WHAT PERILS LIE AHEAD IN THESE TROUBLED TIMES.

GODSPEED TO JOHN AND HOWARD, WHEREVER THEY ARE.

GOOD NIGHT AND GOOD LUCK.