Jobs Announces iPhone Pro.

In a surprise move today, Apple CEO Steve Jobs announced the release of the iPhone Pro which will be available immediately. The iPhone Pro has an expanded feature set that redefines the product line.

“We were really excited about the original iPhone, Jobs said. “It was a ground-breaking product.

“But that’s over. Today we’re pleased to introduce the iPhone Pro which offers a clear advantage over the iPhone. You’re going to want to shove those things in the back of the drawer and head down to the Apple Store to pick up one of these bad boys.”

According to Apple sources, the iPhone Pro:

  • Features 80 GB of storage space and a full-featured Mail application with spam filtering and the ability to copy/paste between applications.
  • Comes with an iPhone SDK and allows users to install third-party applications.
  • Is unlocked and can be used with any cellular provider.
  • Will be introduced at the 8 GB iPhone’s $600 price point with the price of the 8 GB model being dropped to $300 and the 4 GB model being discontinued.

Reaction in the Apple community was enthusiastic.

“What the hell?!” exclaimed an excited John Gruber of Daring Fireball. “I just bought one of those things on Friday! They can’t do that! Can they do that?

“What the hell?!”

Equally ebullient was Bynkii.com‘s John C. Welch.

“That’s just a bunch of crap! A bunch of fricking crap!” Welch cheered.

“I’ll kill Steve Jobs! I’ll kill him!

“Right after I get my iPhone Pro. I’ve gotta go line up.”

Jobs Declares Independence From His Pants.

Flush from a record-breaking launch of the iPhone, Apple CEO Steve Jobs kicked off his personal Fourth of July celebration by declaring his independence from his pants.

At an impromptu company event on the Apple campus, Jobs, wearing nothing but his trademark black shirt and a pair of tight briefs, said he would no longer submit to the tyranny of social convention for trousers.

“For too long have I allowed myself to be slave to the yoke of those restricting britches,” Jobs said, as the gathered Apple employees attempted to avert their eyes.

“No longer!” he declared. “The highly successful iPhone launch has allowed me to see clearly that I have certain inalienable rights: those of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

“All without pants.”

Jobs noted that, despite their hard work, this did not go for his employees.

“If you go out and start a company and launch three market and life-changing products then maybe you can run around without pants, too. Until then…”

Senior vice president of worldwide marketing Phil Schiller seemed to be at a loss for words.

“He, uh…” Schiller said. “Well, you see, Steve marches to… the beat of…

“Yeah, I’ve got nothing.”

iPhone Launch Marred By Unfortunate Incident.

While the Friday launch of the iPhone went seemingly spectacularly, at least one disturbing incident marred Apple’s new mobile device’s day in the sun.

At the Stockton Street Apple Store, while patrons were milling about and enjoying the iPhone and the atmosphere, a distraught and clearly drunk interloper came onto the scene.

The Newton MessagePad 2100, the last Apple product in the handheld category, entered the store shortly after 8:00 PM and began shouting at patrons.

“Hey!” the Newton said. “What’s everybody doin’, huh?! You all buying something? Oooh, the big iPhone rollout!”

Approaching the iPhone, the Newton at first feigned friendliness.

“Oh, hey, buddy! Congratulations! Hey, I remember my launch so, you know, if you want to hang – heh-heh – and maybe get a beer, I can give you some pointers.”

Clearly uncomfortable, the iPhone said “Uh, well, I’ve kind of got a lot of events to go to. You understand.”

“Ooh, yeah!” the Newton said. “I totally get it. Mr. Big Shot doesn’t have time!”

As the iPhone attempted to explain itself, the Newton began to turn away but then whirled around, swinging wildly at CEO Steve Jobs’ most recent pet project. It missed and landed flat on its back.

Lying on the Apple Store floor and floundering in a drunken haze of misery, the Newton then yelled at the iPhone “Oh, what, do you think you’re better than me?! Huh?! Do you?!”

Somewhat embarrassed by the whole incident, the iPhone said “Well, uh, I do now…”

The iPhone was then hustled on to its next interview. The Newton lay on the floor until Adam Tow arrived and took it home.

Apple declined to comment about the incident, but did set up several orange cones around the spot where the Newton had laid until it could be mopped up.

Welcome to Macintosh

I was lucky enough to be interviewed several weeks ago for this upcoming documentary (and, if they’re as smart as they seemed, I’ll get left on the editing room floor with the footage of Rob Enderle). Now you can now check out the trailer on You Tube.

The filmmakers are Mac users (aren’t all filmmakers?) and seemed really genuine in their desire to accurately portray the Mac-using community. Looks like good stuff.

iPhone Eve Special Coverage!

MOLTZ: Good evening and happy iPhone Eve everyone! We’ll have a special report from the scene of an AT&T store and some hands-on iPhone reviews! Yes, we’ve got an big night planned for you but first, I’m here in the CARS offices with Ugluk. And here with us is random Apple fan Dan Webber from Olympia.

WEBBER: Hello.

MOLTZ: Now, Dan, you’re something of an anomaly as you say you have absolutely no interest in buying an iPhone, is that right?

WEBBER: That’s right.

MOLTZ: OK, well, we’re going to be getting Dan drunk over the course of the evening and seeing how long it takes him to change his mind.

WEBBER: Well, that’s fine, but I assure you I don’t need an iPhone no matter what my state of inebriation is.

MOLTZ: Yeah, OK, well, Ugluk will start pouring the drinks while we go to Chet MacGruder who’s down at the AT&T store. Chet, can you tell me what it’s like down there?

MACGRUDER: Oh, my god! It’s horrible! They’re everywhere! They’re clawing at me and scrambling all over my body! Somebody call the police!

MOLTZ: Oh, no. Ladies and gentlemen it sounds like we’ve got some sort of stampede of customers down at the Tacoma AT&T store trying to get iPhones…

MACGRUDER: No, no! I didn’t make it to the store! I’m three blocks away and I’m being attacked by wolverines! Aaaagh! Send someone to help me!

MOLTZ: What?

MACGRUDER: Help me! Their teeth are rending my flesh!

MOLTZ: How did you get attacked by wolverines? There aren’t any wolverines around here.

MACGRUDER: I don’t know! They just followed me off the bus! Aaaagh! My leg!

MOLTZ: [sigh] Howard, would you go down there and rescue Chet?

HOWARD: Well… I’m kind of in the middle of this sudoku.

MACGRUDER: Aaaaiiiiii!

MOLTZ: Eh, I’ll get him later. Let’s check in with Ugluk. How’s it going?

UGLUK: He have three crantinis and now he surfing Apple Store.

WEBBER: It doeshn’t mean anything. I’m jusht looking.

MOLTZ: Sure you are. OK, let’s go to Thor who’s in line to get his iPhone at… Thor, where are you again?

SAMPSON: Uh, I’m at home.

MOLTZ: You’re at home? But, Thor, we talked about you getting an iPhone.

SAMPSON: Oh, I have one.

MOLTZ: But…

SAMPSON: Steve gave me one a few weeks ago.

MOLTZ: He what?

SAMPSON: What, you didn’t think I was going to stand in line, did you? Ha-ha!

MOLTZ: Oh. OK.

SAMPSON: Didn’t Schiller send you yours yet?

MOLTZ: Uh, no. I was going to order one online. I think. If I have enough money.

SAMPSON: Oh. Well. This is… awkward.

MOLTZ: Well, anyway, why don’t you tell us what it’s like.

SAMPSON: Oh, I would, but I’m NDA-ed.

MOLTZ: What?! But it’s out now. You can’t still be NDA-ed.

SAMPSON: Oh, no, see this is the second generation iPhone.

MOLTZ: You know, you make me so mad sometimes I don’t know why I even talk to you.

SAMPSON: Yeah. I get that a lot.

MOLTZ: Ugluk. What’s the status?

UGLUK: We now up to three crantinis, one Zima and one Mud Slide…

MOLTZ: He’s kind of big with the girl drinks.

WEBBER: Oh, yeah?! Well, wadda you know?!

UGLUK: …and iPhone now in his shopping cart!

WEBBER: I’m jusht thinkin’ ’bout it! I haven’t made up my mind! Gonna look at the shpecs.

UGLUK: He better be careful. He have One Click activated!

MOLTZ: OK! Well, we’re very close there, but let’s go to Masako who… yes! I think Masako has an iPhone. Is that right?

YAMAMOTO: That’s right. I have an iPhone and I have a screwdriver. And I’m going in.

MOLTZ: What?! No!

YAMAMOTO: Yes! I’m going to find out what makes this thing tick! I’ve got the antenna plate off! Now I’m pulling off the back plate!

MOLTZ: Stop! Somebody stop her! You’re messing with forces beyond your reckoning!

YAMAMOTO: I’m opening it up! I can see… there’s a light… a brilliant, white light… Oh! It’s… beautiful!

MOLTZ: Don’t look at it, Masako! Don’t look at it! Shut your eyes! Shut your eyes, Masako!

YAMAMOTO: What?! I… AAAAAIIIII!!!

MOLTZ: Oooh.

YAMAMOTO: AAAAAAAAHHHH!!!

MOLTZ: Ouch. Well, she’ll be OK.

YAMAMOTO: NOOOOOOOO! AAAAAAAGH!

MOLTZ: Hmm. Now, let’s check in one last time with Ugluk and see how it’s going.

UGLUK: He buy iPhone just after finishing Tequila Sunrise!

WEBBER: Oh, my god, that phone ish fricking incredible! I think I’m in love! That ish one shweet piece of hardware! I didn’t think I needed it but, boy, wash I wrong! Come to poppa, baby!

MOLTZ: Ha! Yeah, in two to four weeks! Well, there’s plenty of time for buyer’s remorse to set in there. That’s all the time we have tonight, but before we go, I have a special message for Apple fans everywhere. Wherever you are, whoever you’re standing in line with, we hope you’ll keep the true meaning of this holiest of nights… which, uh, I think is greed?

HOWARD: Avarice.

MOLTZ: Avarice! We hope you’ll keep the true meaning of iPhone Eve in your hearts not just on this night, but all throughout the year! This has been a very special Crazy Apple Rumors Report. Good night, everybody!