CEO Steve Jobs told employees in an all-hands meeting today that by the end of July they would be getting a highly coveted prize.
According to sources at the meeting, Jobs said that employees could choose to receive either a free iPhone, coveted by gadget geeks and consumers, or a free pony, universally coveted by little girls. Keeping with his maniacal attention to detail, Jobs said he would be asking each employee in a one-on-one, Mexican rules meeting which one they preferred.
“Make no mistake,” Jobs said from a perch 100 feet above the employees, “The iPhone is revolutionary in a way that I’ve only said once or twice before. Maybe three times. Four, max. You will all want one.
“However,” he continued, swooping down on a prototype Apple anti-gravity pad to hover mid-air above a startled mid-level accounts manager, “You may also ask for a pony.”
Jobs said that employees would be expected to bring the pony into work each day, provide it with fresh hay and bedding, groom it, and sing to it. And the pony could not interfere with work or chores.
“If you choose an iPhone, you will have access to the greatest handheld Internet browsing technology ever developed, the best iPod ever, and a crappy-ass phone with a mediocre voice network behind it,” Jobs said, looking deep into the souls of several employees.
“But you could also have… a pony. And ponies have their own… pedestrian… charms. I suppose.”
An informal survey after the event revealed that 73 percent of employees would prefer the iPhone, for reasons that include cubicles too small to contain a pony and their Aeron chair, the smell, or that they are not 13-year-old girls. 22 percent of employees said they were just freaked out by Jobs flying around and looking into their souls and wanted to get out of there as fast as they could and didn’t even hear what he said. The last 1 percent said they’ll take the pony, but insisted it would only be for their kids.