Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I’m thinking about getting an iPhone when they come out but I’m confused about some of the stuff they showed in the commercial. For instance, how does the iPhone do positioning?
A: Well, I hear it has a built-in GPS.
Q: No, no, no. That’s in rev. 2 which is coming in July. What I heard was that the initial unit uses the cell towers to figure out where you are.
A: That’s crazy talk. My brother says that it takes the picture on your user account, uses a heuristic algorithm to find your face in Google Maps zoom feature and then uses that to pinpoint your location.
Q: You are just recklessly repeating spurious rumors. My understanding is that AT&T is going to tag each customer with a chip so they can identify them. Like the dogs they are.
A: Pshaw. You’re having feverish nightmares. It’s a simple fact that Apple has tiny little people that live inside the products they sell us and report back on our every movement. That’s how they make stuff we can’t help but buy and that’s how they’re going to know where we are.
Q: Hmm. Yeah, OK, you’re probably right about that one.
A: Yeah, it just feels right, doesn’t it?

Q: After enjoying my iPod so much and hearing such great things about the Mac from my Mac-using friends, I finally broke down and bought myself a MacBook a couple of months ago. I have been really disappointed.
A: Oh, really? Well, what is it you’re trying to do with your MacBook?
Q: I’m just trying to get a sense of satisfaction, you know? A good user experience? And so far it’s been sadly lacking.
A: OK, well…
Q: And I tried to take it back to the Apple Store and they wouldn’t take it back!
A: Is it not…
Q: I just think that’s totally unacceptable! Here Apple markets its products as easy-to-use and providing a richer computing environment and when their products fail to deliver, they refuse to take responsibility!
A: Did you…
Q: And it’s not me! I mean, I have to tell you, I pressed my genitals up against this machine night after night and it was not in the least bit erotic!
A: You pressed your…
Q: My genitals. What else would I press up against it? I know a lot of people say they love their Macs, but I’m just not feelin’ it.
A: Uh… well, OK. OK. I can play this game. Maybe you just didn’t press them up against it hard enough.
Q: Hmm. Well, I’ll go back and try again, but I was pressing pretty hard.
A: Just, you know, give it the old college try.
Q: I shall endeavor to press my genitals up against my MacBook extremely hard!
A: That’s great. That’s… yeah. It’s days like this that make it worth coming to work.

Q: I just read that last question and I am totally offended.
A: Oh, hey, I know. We get that a lot. Uh, just last week as a matter of fact. Hmm. But, listen, he’s gone. He’s not coming back.
Q: What? No! I’m not offended by the caller! I’m offended by your snide and condescending attitude toward him!
A: Oookay.
Q: Listen, the expression of love between a man and his computer is a beautiful thing.
A: He wasn’t expressing love. He was rubbing his junk on it.
Q: …
A: Uh, yeah.
Q: OK, well, I’ll just leave a pamphlet for our organization – the North American Man/Mac Love Association – and be on my way.
A: Oooh, no you don’t. Take that thing with you.

No New iMacs At WWDC.

After weeks of speculation that next week’s Worldwide Developer’s Conference would see the long-awaited introduction of new iMacs, several sites have recently reported that an iMac refresh is off the table for months.

Some say that this is due to the current line’s continued success while other point to the difficulty in getting high volumes of the backlit LED displays the iMac will feature.

However, Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned the real reason the new iMacs will be delayed.

According to sources, the new screens will not only be backlit LEDs, they will also be scratch-n-sniff.

“For years Mac users have dreamed of the ability to have odors delivered to them over the Internet,” said Peter Mehring, head of Mac hardware engineering. “And we’re about to make that dream come true. Our hardware is ready. The problem is there are no sites yet that take advantage of HOML. That’s Hyper Olfactory Markup Language.”

Mehring said that Apple has been trying in vain to get content providers to take advantage of this startling new technology.

“The Food Network. 1800Flowers. We even approached ESPN about having a ‘smell your favorite athlete’ option. What does Serina Williams smell like? I bet a lot of people want to know.

“I know I do.

“Anyway, we can’t launch with just the handful of porn sites we have. That’s just not going to cut it.”

Despite Mehring’s enthusiasm, several beta testers CARS reporters spoke to indicated the technology may benefit from a delay.

“I scratched the hell out of that screen and I still couldn’t smell the peppermint stick,” said Dan Moren. Out of the eight screen elements Moren was given to scratch and then sniff, he could only really smell the orange.

“Although, that is just like a real scratch-n-sniff.”

Apple’s scratch-n-sniff iMacs are expected to be delivered in time for the holiday season.

Hence the peppermint stick.

Apple Community Ponders Identity Of Fake Blogger.

The Apple community is in full speculation mode tonight as it wonders aloud…

“Who is Fake Phil Schiller?”

In a hilarious send-up of everyone’s favorite Apple senior vice president, an anonymous blogger has created an Internet phenomenon that seems sure to set the Apple world on its head.

“I’m not sure who he is, said Tim O’Reilly, “but I’ve got my people trying to negotiate a book deal with him.

“Well, OK, it’s not so much a ‘book deal’ per se as it is a deal for a series of pamphlets. I mean, it’s not like he’s pretending he’s Steve Jobs or something.”

While O’Reilly attempted to work out a pamphlet deal, other Apple followers attempted to piece together clues as to Fake Phil’s identity.

“He’s clearly Canadian,” said Jason Snell, editor of Macworld magazine. “You can tell from the hockey references.

“No one in the states watches hockey. Seriously. I didn’t even know the deciding game of the… whaddaya call it… Cup playoffs… were on tonight.”

Some feel they already know who Fake Phil is.

“Oh, I know who it is,” said the New York Times’ David Pogue, looking around furtively. “I can’t say his name… but his initials are… W.G.

“Aaand they sometimes call him ‘the Great One.'”

Pogue raised his eyebrows several times, then furrowed his brow.

“Oh, hell, it’s Gretzky. Wayne Gretzky. Well, at least I think it is.

“OK, I don’t really know.”

Regardless of his identity, Apple followers agree that from the hockey references to the Star Trek references to the insider’s view on Apple, whoever writes Fake Phil has Schiller down pat.

Fake Steve declined to comment for this story.

Apple Adds Killer Feature To iPhone.

In late-breaking news just weeks before its launch, Crazy Apple Rumors site has learned that Apple has added a killer feature to the iPhone that is sure to secure its success.

Sources in Apple’s iPhone development group have revealed that in addition to acting as a phone, an email client, a web browser, a mapping platform and a portable entertainment system, the iPhone will also dispense beer.

The company has added a small tap to the side of the iPhone that will, when pressed, release the frosty, refreshing beverage that has been enjoyed since the time of the Pharaohs.

“This could be the holy grail of mobile connectivity,” said Shawn King, host of Your Mac Life.

“To be able to access my beer on-the-go… I can’t even think of a reason why I’d go home again.

“Oh. Well, to see my wife, of course. Right. Uhh… love you, honey!”

The details of this startling new feature were not available at press time. It’s not known, for example, exactly how much beer an iPhone can hold and whether or not Apple will rely on third-party peripheral developers to build add-on kegs.

But most were not concerned by the lack of details.

“It’s a phone that dispenses beer!” exclaimed Apple follower Derik DeLong.

“Oh! My! God! I mean, at this point, I don’t even give a shit if it actually makes phone calls anymore!”

Some of the slower pundits were concerned about Apple “tapping” the iPhone.

“I’m concerned about Apple tapping the iPhone,” said Rob Enderle of the Enderle Group.

“I’m also concerned that I might have swallowed my gum.”

Apple declined to comment officially for this story, but it did have beer on its breath.

iPhone Ads Reveal Restrictions.

The first advertisements from Apple, Inc., for their new iPhone reveal a previously undisclosed niche marketing factor: the iPhone will only display information related to the sea and children.

In a series of dramatic advertisements aired Sunday night during 60 Minutes, Apple demonstrated the iPhone’s ability to switch from playing Pirates of the Caribbean 2 to finding a seafood restaurant. A little noticed footnote displayed during that sequence warned, “The iPhone cannot play movies that do not include nautical themes or water, and restaurants must predominately feature seafood or pirates to be included in our guide.”

Apple spokesperson Cynthia McLaren clarified late Sunday night that Apple was required to limit the iPhone’s range of services to prevent cannibalism of iPod sales, and because of a little known maritime exemption for regulations governing handheld electronics.

“Our lawyers – admittedly a little skittish after the ones who approved Steve Jobs’ stock options a few years ago were all fired – have naturally interpreted this rule in the strictest manner possible to apply only to devices either intended for use at sea or that include only images of the sea.”

Another ad showed photos of children attached to an email message, but failed to mention that only photos of children may be stored, viewed, or attached to messages on the iPhone.

“Steve thinks you should all focus on your kids a little more,” McLaren said. “He feels pretty strongly about that. I believe his exact words were ‘Our customers are a bunch of deadbeat absentee parents.'”

Accordingly, the iPhone will only be sold to customers who have children.

Or who are pirates.