Crazy Apple Rumors Site reporters were able to slip into Apple’s shareholder meeting today by posing as baby seals and saying “We’re with Greenpeace” when asked.
Here are our notes from the meeting.
Apple declined to comment for these notes.
Other than all the commenting.
A report stating that the online presence of Macs in the U.S. doubled in the last eight months has been trumpeted across the Mac web as a sign of the platform’s growing success.
However, a subsequent analysis of the data by the firm WebSideStory has revealed that the growth does not come from an increase in the number of Macs online, but in the activity from Mac users.
Or, specifically, Mac user Adam Ballenger of Portland, Oregon.
By correlating the IP addresses in the data, WebSideStory was able to pinpoint a dramatic increase in traffic from Ballenger’s iMac.
“At first we were unable to explain how the increase in traffic correlated so closely with the U.S.,” said WebSideStory analyst Richard Marquist. “Then we realized it correlated with Oregon. Then we realized it was Portland.”
And then they found Ballenger.
Reached at his apartment, 25-year-old Ballenger explained how he personally managed to surf as much as all other Mac users in the U.S.
“Back in September,” Ballenger said, “I discovered this thing – I don’t know if you’ve heard about it…
“But there are these sites… online… that have pictures of naked women on them! Yeah, I know! It’s hard to believe! But that’s not all. Some of them even have pictures of people having sex! It is just… wild! I mean, I was just surfing along and BLAMMO! I had never seen anything like that before! I thought, ‘Hey, I want to see more of this!‘ Holy smokes!”
And so Ballenger did. He hasn’t left his apartment in eight months but he has drastically impacted his platform of choice.
Unfortunately for the Mac, he believes the increase in its online market share is at an end.
“I can keep surfing, but there’s just so much self-gratification a guy can do. It’s been eight months. I’m exhausted. I think I need a break.”
Apple declined to comment for this story but several Portland area pizzerias indicated that the company has been delivering free pies to Ballenger’s address for the past five months.
Apple fans hoping that next months Worldwide Developers Conference would bring new iMacs will be disappointed to learn that their fate is still unknown.
Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that new iMacs may delayed because Apple is totally messing with this one guy from Bloomington.
According to sources, new iMacs will not be released until exactly two weeks and one day after 36-year-old Matt Wilson of Bloomington, Minn., buys a current model, whenever that should be.
CEO Steve Jobs, senior vice president of worldwide marketing Phil Schiller and chief operating officer Tim Cook were beside themselves with laughter recounting their treatment of Wilson.
According to Jobs, Apple has been tormenting Wilson since he emailed steve@apple.com in April of 2001 to inquire when new iBooks would be shipping.
“I mean, like I’m going to tell this guy!” Jobs said. “I’m Steve Jobs! As if!
“Then he buys a Titanium PowerBook exactly two weeks and one day before we release the new iBook and he’s totally irate!
“So we totally just had to mess with him after that. And we’ve been doing it ever since. USB 2.0 iMac in 2003. Click wheel iPod in 2004. iBook G4 in 2005. What a maroon.”
“And now… now…” Jobs said, barely able to control his amusement. “Now I’ve got my monkeys from the Mall of America store on constant alert, following this guy, and he keeps coming in and asking… [snort]…”
“Stop it!” howled Cook, who was lying on the floor, pounding it with his fist and heaving with laughter.
“Don’t say it again!” Schiller begged, clutching his stomach. “I think my spleen is going to pop!”
“He keeps asking ‘When are the new iMacs coming?’!” Jobs blurted, causing another round of unbridled amusement.
Unfortunately for others waiting for new iMacs, Wilson has had enough.
“I’m totally not budging on this,” said an oblivious but determined Wilson. “No way, man. I mean, I don’t know what force has been working against me lo these past five years… Fate? Maybe it’s fate. Maybe it’s Satan. Or some lesser demon… I don’t know… but I’m going to beat it this time.
“Unless I have to rip some DVDs or something. Because 1 Ghz just isn’t cutting it.”
Macworld magazine announced today that it had found a permanent columnist to occupy the back page of its publication.
Editorial director Jason Snell said that the spot will be filled by a column written by Chris Breen’s hair.
Breen, the writer of the magazine’s Mac 911 column, is himself no slouch. He wrote an astonishing 6 pieces in the latest edition of Macworld, and also appeared as the magazine’s June centerfold.
But it’s a well-known secret of the Apple journalism world that Breen’s hair, in addition to being full of body and luxurious, is really the brains of the operation.
“Chris is a nice guy,” Snell said hesitantly, “but… how do I put this tactfully? He’s really kind of a mannequin for the hair.
“Yeaaaah. There’s just no way to put that tactfully.”
Snell said that when he found that he was more and more going to Breen’s hair for informed opinion about Apple, he decided to give the hair its own column.
This has even led to speculation by some scientists that Breen’s hair is actually an alien life form that has attached itself to him and is riding him around like a pony.
Breen could not be reached for comment, but his hair categorically denied the allegation.
I know, I know. No Help Desk two weeks in a row.
What will you do?
What… will… you do?
Why, you’ll drive away in your brand new car, that’s what you’ll do!
Yes, that’s right! You’d be driving in style in the 1974 Chrysler Imperial! With power door locks and a power sun roof, all you have to do is push a button and the world is your oyster! It’s 440-inch cubic V-8 and 2-stage electric assist choke mean you’ve got the power you need on today’s open roads!
[A $7,062 value.]
So…
What was your ride in the ’70s?