Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: Hello?
A: Uh, yes? Hello.
Q: Are you the guy who dissed Woz?
A: Uh-boy.
Q: Are you?!
A: Uh… wasn’t that… uh… no, I think that was Jason O’Grady.
Q: Oh. OK. ‘Cause I’m gonna mess him up.
A: Oooh. Hmm. Well… don’t do that… he, uh… er… Eh. He’ll be fine.

Q: I have a Mac and I have that same heat problem that they started the class action suit over. Apple isn’t currently giving me any recourse, so how can I at least protect my lap from the blistering heat?
A: Well, you’ll want to get yourself one of the many laptop support stands, like a Podium Pad or…
Q: I tried that! It didn’t work at all! I mean, how the hell are you supposed to get a Mac Pro on those little footie things?! It’s impossible!
A: Wait, a Mac Pro?
Q: Yeah! This thing is ridiculously hot! It’s really burning my thighs!
A: Well… what the hell do you have it on your lap for?
Q: …
A: …
Q: I… don’t… really… know. I’m sorry. I’ll just… uh… I’ll just put it on the floor…?
A: The floor?! No, you idiot! A man wears his Mac Pro strapped to his back at all times! How else will anyone know about his raw computing and purchasing power?!
Q: Uh… ah! Yes! Like men!
A: Like men!
Q: Uh, yeah, the only thing is, I’ve got this lower back thing…
A: Oh, for Pete’s sake!

Q: Hey.
A: Oh. Hey. Can I help you?
Q: Uh… you’ve probably never had someone with this problem before…
A: Oh, we get all kinds here.
Q: Oh… I doubt you’ve had this problem.
A: You’ve got an iPod shuffle stuck up your butt?
Q: Uh… well. I stand corrected. Also I stand because… I can’t sit down…
A: Mmm.

Apple Faces New MacBook Lawsuit.

Having recently learned that it is the target of a lawsuit over over-heating MacBooks, Apple learned today that another group is targeting the company.

According to sources at the Shady Acres Retirement Home, a group of seniors is suing the company because their MacBooks aren’t hot enough.

“I bought this gahd damn MacBook so I could stay warm this winter!” shouted Herbert Warner, pointing accusingly at his MacBook. “I got bad circulation! And this gahd damn thing wouldn’t keep a fly warm!”

Warner shook his fist at the MacBook and spit on the floor.

“Gahd damn it! I didn’t lose a nipple on Iwo Jima to waste $1,100 on a cold laptop! Makes me wish I got me one of them laptops with the… waddaya call ’em… the explodin’ batteries.”

After an angry silence, Warner said “I lost a nipple on Iwo Jima, you know!”

Warner’s wife of 56 years, Martha, indicated that Warner did not actually fight in World War II and has never served in the military.

“He was 4-F, you know!” Mrs. Warner, a co-litigant said. “Because of his missing nipple, you see! My father said, ‘Jesus, Martha, tell me you’re not gonna marry that one-nippled Warner boy!’

“But…” Warner said, hugging her irate husband, “I loved him!

“And we bought this laptop to keep us warm! That Jobs fellow should do right by us!”

When reached for comment, Steve Jobs said “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

The Case Against Steve Wozniak.

Editing a respected Mac web site…

What?!

Why does everyone laugh when I say that?!

Ahem.

I’ll start again.

Editing a respected Mac web site means occasionally taking a position that is unpopular.

The G4 Cube is overpriced. iPod Socks are stupid. Steve Jobs killed a guy, ate his internal organs and wore his flesh like a coat as a warning of his fierceness to his many enemies (that, actually, turned to not be true, but the point is we were unpopular when we reported it).

But there is probably no more unpopular position I have taken as CARS editor than this: Larry, your continued infatuation with Ellen Feiss is not healthy and may be ruining your marriage.

But, if we leave out Larry Sterwutz of Rock Falls, Illinois, the next least popular position is our continued insistence that Steve Wozniak is just no good.

OK, OK, settle down.

Wozniak is probably the most fluffed Apple celebrity there is. While Jobs gets more praise, he also gets a lot of criticism. Wozniak is uniformly treated like a great big teddy bear that is just so snuggle-ums and wuv-ums wherever he goes.

Frankly, it’s enough to make me hurl.

Today, for example, John Gruber asked “How can anyone not love Woz?”

Now, this is clearly a personal shot at me. And, probably, WozBot 3000, the anti-Woz killer robot from the future. But, while WozBot is fueled by an irrational killer rage (and plutonium), I actually have a solid basis for my anti-Woz stance, which I will now detail.

Consider this the CARS anti-Woz manifesto.

  • This so-called “other” Steve detracts attention from our one true god, Steve Jobs.
  • Did you see his appearance on the Colbert Report? He’s nuts!
  • Let’s turn John Gruber’s question around – how can any rational person love someone who rides a Segway? Hmm? You can’t! It’s impossible!
  • Someone named Steve who worked at Apple in 1982 killed a guy, ate his internal organs and wore his flesh like a coat as a warning of his fierceness to his many enemies. We now know it wasn’t Steve Jobs but it could have been Wozniak. Can we afford to take that chance?
  • He totally didn’t even write iWoz. And it’s supposed to be his autobiography! That’s like the laziest form of plagiarism ever!
  • Sources close to Wozniak say he doesn’t floss as often as he should.
  • Anyone who’s ever kissed him full on the lips knows that that beard is really itchy.

So, you Woz apologists can drone on and on about how he invented the first Apple computer and he’s an eccentric genius and I’m just a stupid rumors site editor who never invented anything and who the hell am I to nay-say the great Woz? Bitch.

And those are all valid points. Except for the bitch part.

But when you’re stuck in Woz’s underground lair and he’s slowly peeling your flesh off and eating your spleen, don’t come crying to Johnny.

Another Mac Publication Changes Its Name.

In the wake of MacAddict’s decision to change its name to Mac|Life, another venerable Mac news source has also decided to change its name.

Earlier today, Daring Fireball‘s John Gruber announced that “In order to better reflect its focus on news about deceased film maker Stanley Kubrick and playoff-eliminated baseball team the New York Yankees, I have decided to rename the site Stanley Yankeeball.”

According to Gruber, the site’s Apple focus was appropriate in a different age when the desktop operating system mattered, but now that the Internet is the new operating system there’s no point in covering Apple or OS X. Or Microsoft or Windows for that matter.

“It’s all so pointless,” Gruber sighed, waiting for a burrito to finish microwaving so his Airport connection would come back up and he could regain access to “the new operating system.”

The site will still provide the occasional tidbits of Apple, BBEdit and Movable Type news, as well as the usual 3,000 word rants about misplaced menu items and inappropriate custom control widgets.

“That I don’t think I could stop doing if I wanted to,” Gruber admitted.

Gruber said the change will take place as soon as he is able to gain the domain name stanleyyankeeball.net. In an ironic twist to this story, Whois reveals that yourstanleyyankeeballlife.net is already owned by Shawn King.

MacAddict to Change Name.

MacAddict editor Rik Myslewski confirmed over the weekend that MacAddict will change its name to Mac|Life early next year.

If the name sounds familiar, it should, according to Your Mac Life host Shawn King.

“Uh, yeah,” King said. “Sitting right here in the Your Mac Life studios having hosted Your Mac Life for over four years and serving it up via the domain name www.yourmaclife.com. Sitting right exactly here!

“I’m drinking my beer out of a Your Mac Life mug fer chrissake!” a visibly agitated King shouted, lifting his beer-filled mug as evidence.

“I’m sorry,” King said, sipping his beer. “It just… really ticks me off.”

A spokesperson for Future US, the company that publishes MacAddict, backtracked today, perhaps in a sign the company did not realize the name was already taken.

“If you look closely at the name,” vice president of public relations Ned Hollings said, “you’ll see that there’s a vertical bar between Mac and Life. That bar isn’t silent.”

Hollings declined to say how the bar is pronounced, however, prompting rampant speculation on the MacAddict forums. One poster believed that the bar should be pronounced with the tongue click used in certain African and South American indigenous languages. Others insisted that it was pronounced “mother fucking”, indicating that, despite Myslewski’s comments indicating Mac|Life would be a more mature version of MacAddict, it will still have an “in your face” attitude.

King was not appeased by Hollings’ statement, however, and mumbled something about “Nashville boys” and “medieval on your ass” in between taking long angry draughts from his Your Mac Life mug.