Apple Announces A Special Event.

This morning, Apple sent an email to members of the media announcing a special event in San Francisco on September 12th.

While many believe this will mark the company’s initiation of the the online movie downloading business, a small subset claim it will showcase the new Apple cell phone, which is reportedly now ready for production.

But Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that not only is this a “special” Apple event, it is a “very special” Apple event. While sources were unable to specify the specific nature of the “very special” event, they were able to narrow it down to the following possibilities:

  • Senior Director of Desktop Product Marketing Tom Boger thinks about trying drugs and is talked out of it by Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller.
  • Head of Mac Hardware Engineering Peter Mehring loses his virginity.
  • Vice President of Worldwide Developer Relations Ron Okamoto learns a valuable lesson about sharing or not cheating or some shit.
  • Senior Counsel Mark Aaker gets knocked up.

    Apple declined to comment for this story, but a star trailing a rainbow was seen passing over the Cupertino campus earlier today.

    Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

    Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

    Just one question today, but it’s a big one: What’s up with Security Bitch Watch?

    Q: I have a Power Mac G5 with 2 GB of RAM. I recently installed a new memory module and have been experiencing frequent crashing. But instead of talking about that, tell me… what’s the latest on Security Bitch Watch?

    A: I was hoping you’d ask that!

    Q: I know. You paid me five dollars to ask you.

    A: Hush. Talking now.

    There’s has been a flurry of activity recently that I’d love to tell you about.

    Q: I’ll bet.

    A: Still talking.

    Shh.

    Thank you.

    We’re into day 11 of Security Bitch Watch and George Ou has still failed to deliver on his “couple of days” promise of fireworks. Ou’s most recent update was on Tuesday, which he mis-marked as “10/29/2006”. Now he’s not just defying the rules of responsible journalism, but the Temporal Prime Directive as well.

    Will nothing stop this madman?!

    Q: Uh…

    A: That’s a rhetorical question.

    In the update he claimed that his source who said the stock Apple drivers didn’t come from Atheros was what journalists call Schrödinger’s Source: he was both right and wrong at the same time.

    Q: Oh, yeah. Didn’t he originally write a post arguing that Atheros had nothing to do with the drivers without actually having talked to Atheros?

    A: Right. He postulated that based on information he was hearing from his super-duper top secret source (whose last name probably rhymes with “Raynor”) who turned out to be wrong. Then he wrote a correction in which he postulated that Atheros wasn’t responsible for the part of the drivers that really matters based on… can you guess?

    Q: Uh… information he was hearing from his super-duper top secret source?

    A: You are correct, sir. He also misrepresented David Maynor as not having “distanced himself” from Brian Krebs’ writing. Krebs wrote that Maynor said he could hack a stock Airport configuration and Maynor’s now only willing to publicly say he used third party hardware and software. If he’s not distancing himself from Krebs, he’s not exactlying spooning him either.

    Q: Well, I guess there’s what Maynor is privately saying – you know, to George Ou. He’s probably still trash-talking the MacBook’s stock drivers.

    A: Could be. I guess we just have trust our betters in the pundit class. I’m sure they’re looking out for us.

    Q: Of course they are. So, what else is going on?

    A: Well, this whole incident seems to have spawned a cottage industry of new blogs.

    Q: Well, people are pissed and they’re speaking out.

    A: Yeah, you know, earlier today Stone Cold John Gruber issued a challenge, saying he would fight David Maynor in 3 rounds of no-holds-barred bare knuckles mano y mano fisticuffs.

    Q: He didn’t say that.

    A: He did.

    Q: No he didn’t.

    A: OK, well, not technically. But he did bet him a MacBook, which is the Mac community equivalent.

    Q: He called them out and – while it’s really something of a stunt – it makes a point about their claim and how it was presented.

    A: Exactly. And that’s really perhaps the major problem: how it was presented. These goofballs attempted the technology world equivalent of a drive-by shooting.

    Q: At this point, even if Maynor and Ellch can deliver a hack, they’ve kind of dug themselves into a PR hole, haven’t they?

    A: Indeed. See, when you’re trying to make a name for yourself, you should really pick the name you’re shooting for before you open you mouth. And think about what they’ve done since they’ve gone underground. They apparently told George Ou they were going to come out firing and then didn’t. Now they’re just feeding him little dribbles of information. Maybe it’s just me, but that doesn’t scream “security professional” to me.

    Q: Hmm. Hadn’t really thought of that angle.

    A: Anyway, to sum up, it’s day 11 and we don’t know anything more than we knew on day 1, but we’re still having fun with it.

    Q: …

    A: …

    Q: So… I guess I’ll just ask Chris Breen about my RAM problem, then.

    A: Uh… yeah. That’d probably be good.

    Q: Great. Uh… thanks…?

    Apple To Merge With Google, Sun and Others.

    Blockbuster news that is sure to rock the Macintosh community has been forwarded to Crazy Apple Rumors Site today.

    According to sources, Apple will merge with Google as has recently been speculated after the addition of Google’s CEO to Apple’s board.

    Further, the resulting hardware and software powerhouse will then merge with Sun, as has recently been speculated.

    Then, the company will crush Linux, as has also recently been speculated, by implementing a 3-step plan:

    1. Seize control of SourceForge and other online repositories of open source code.
    2. Linus Torvalds wakes up with a penguin head in his bed.
    3. Bribe existing Linux users to convert to OS X with the promise of getting them dates with actual girls.

    Once Linux is destroyed, the company will then expand again by merging with Oracle, as has been speculated will happen since Nostradamus first predicted it in 1557.

    But Apple/Google/Sun/Oracle will not stop there.

    The company will then merge with the Science Patrol – the organization featuring Ultraman – and International Rescue of Thunderbirds fame.

    Now a force beyond all ken, of a magnitude that even the gods themselves – let alone Microsoft – would shake to hear its name, Apple/Google/Sun/Oracle/Science Patrol/International Rescue will, strangely, divest itself of all its primary assets. It will then operate as a holding company that purchases real estate properties on spec in hot markets and sells them at inflated prices before quickly moving on to another town.

    Kind of a letdown, isn’t it?

    Jobs' Bathroom Conversation Caught On Tape.

    Just days after CNN host Kyra Phillips forgot to turn off her microphone and was heard on-the-air in the bathroom, a recording of Apple CEO Steve Jobs in the bathroom at WWDC has surfaced.

    Sources on the sound crew at WWDC forwarded to Crazy Apple Rumors Site a recording of a conversation between Jobs and Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller – which apparently took place just after the keynote – in the Moscone Center men’s room.

    JOBS: [Whistling what sounds like John Lennon’s Imagine.]

    [Sound of the bathroom door opening.]

    SCHILLER: Steve!

    JOBS: Oh! Hi, Phil.

    [The sound of a zipper being opened]

    SCHILLER: Good… good keynote!

    JOBS: Yeah? You think? I thought it might have been a little… flat.

    SCHILLER: Oh, no! No! No. No. Well… no. We killed ’em with the iChat bit.

    JOBS: Heh. Yeah. Yeah.

    SCHILLER: Heh-heh. Yeaaaaaah.

    [A prolonged silence followed by more whistling.]

    JOBS: Sooo…

    SCHILLER: Sooo…

    JOBS: Uh… see that… game… last night?

    SCHILLER: Uh, hockey doesn’t start until October.

    JOBS: Oh. Isn’t there… baseball or something?

    SCHILLER: Nyeah, but the Sox are…

    JOBS: The… Sox?

    SCHILLER: The Red Sox.

    JOBS: Oh. I’ve heard of them. I like that Damon guy.

    SCHILLER: Uh… yeah. He’s, um… not… well. Yeah.

    [A prolonged silence followed by more whistling.]

    SCHILLER: I’m just realizing this but… we’ve never… been in the bathroom at the same time before.

    JOBS: No. I guess you’re right.

    SCHILLER: How is that possible? We’ve been working together for a long time.

    JOBS: Well, I don’t go to the bathroom at Apple.

    SCHILLER: You… don’t…

    JOBS: No. I find that if I have a full bladder, I work better. I have a bigger sense of urgency in everything I do.

    SCHILLER: Oh. Wow. That’s… that’s cool. Sort of twisted zen kind of thing. Maybe I should try…

    JOBS: I’m so messing with you.

    SCHILLER: Wha… Oh! Ha-ha! Ahhh, you got me!

    JOBS: Yeah. I don’t really do that.

    [A prolonged silence followed by more whistling.]

    SCHILLER: So, what’s the deal with [VP of platform experience Scott] Forstall?

    JOBS: The… deal?

    SCHILLER: Yeah. Kind of an attitude problem.

    JOBS: Oh. I hadn’t noticed.

    SCHILLER: Yeah, I was talking about it with Peter.

    JOBS: Hmm, well, I haven’t experienced that. I did notice he smells like feet.

    SCHILLER: Oh. My. God! What is that?!

    JOBS: I’m guessing it’s his feet.

    SCHILLER: Oh, man, I hope so!

    JOBS: Ha-ha!

    SCHILLER: Ha-ha!

    [The sound of a bathroom stall opening followed by sharp footsteps.]

    FORSTALL: I have a condition!

    [Sharp footsteps followed by the sound of the bathroom door opening then closing.]

    SCHILLER: Did you see that?

    JOBS: I did.

    SCHILLER: He didn’t wash his hands.

    JOBS: Tsk.

    SCHILLER: Tsk. And on top of that, he’s got an attitude problem.

    JOBS: Yeah, I heard that. Oh… hey… wait a minute. Is this microphone still on?

    You know, I often feel compelled to provide some kind of analysis for these transcripts but I’m just never sure where to go.

    Jobs Personally Fulfilling Battery Replacement Orders.

    A reader report on MacInTouch reveals that Apple CEO Steve jobs has taken a personal interest in the fulfillment of PowerBook and iBook battery replacement orders.

    But beyond simply making sure the orders of people who bother him personally are filled, Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that Jobs himself is personally fulfilling each and every of the 1.8 million orders.

    “Steve just really wanted to do this, said Peter Mehring, head of Mac hardware engineering.

    “He hates to let down Apple’s customers so he’s personally going door to door to deliver these new batteries.

    “Plus, he, uh… well, he fired the whole fulfillment team about three months ago, so…”

    According to PowerBook and iBook owners, Jobs has been gracious during his deliveries.

    Mac user Andrew Corvin said “Steve said that he was really excited about these new batteries because they don’t explode and that he was sure I would be surprised and delighted about not being burned beyond recognition.

    “And you know what? I was!”

    Jobs could not be reached for comment for this story, as he was somewhere out on delivery between S. Hosmer and 48th in Santa Barbara.