Everybody Tired of One Mac User.

Yet another Apple nay-sayer has fallen afoul of the one member of the Macintosh community that everyone wishes would just go away.

According to a blog post by George Ou (link via Daring Fireball), Artie MacStrawman is at it again.

Ou claims that MacStrawman disparaged the character of the security professionals who are quoted as having claimed to have wirelessly hacked Apple’s Airport drivers, a claim refuted by Apple.

Further, Ou says that MacStrawman threatened to kill one of the professionals – David Maynor – and his imaginary dog.

Mac users will remember MacStrawman as the Mac user who:

  • Says the Mac is utterly invulnerable to any and all malicious attack.
  • Mindlessly worships Steve Jobs.
  • Blindly buys anything Apple releases no matter how dumb and stupid and dumb it is.
  • Refuses to accept that Windows might be better at anything. Even being Windows.
  • Emails death threats to anyone who disagrees with him.

Daring Fireball’s John Gruber said “I just wish that guy’d switch to Windows or Ubuntu or something.

“But… he’s Artie MacStrawman. So I guess that’s not going to happen.”

Complicating matters is the fact that MacStrawman may have initiated the entire controversy. According to Maynor, it was MacStrawman’s argument that the Mac is utterly impregnable to attack that caused him to hack a MacBook using a third-party wireless card and driver and then claim that he could do the same thing with an Airport card and driver without actually having tried it.

Maynor did admit that he was the first to issue a threat, saying that he wanted to stick a lit cigarette into MacStrawman’s eye.

“I shouldn’t have said that,” Maynor said. “It’s just that that guy really bugs me.”

At least on this point, Maynor and the Mac community can agree. Artie MacStrawman bugs everyone.

Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I have a Power Mac G5 and I upgraded the OS to Tiger five months ago. My problem is, for some reason I still don’t have smart folders. All I have are these stupid folders. Like this one. “System.” What’s that? Stupid. “Applications.” Stupid. Where are the smart folders? The folders that totally rule? ‘Cause all I see are these dumbass folders.
A: Uh… well, smart folders are folders that you configure to contain files that match certain parameters that you set.
Q: What?
A: You, um, you go to the Finder and go to the file menu and choose New Smart Folder. Then you set the paramaters for the kind of file…
Q: No, no, no! I don’t want folder that will put a bunch of files together! I want folders that will help me crush my enemies!
A: Oh. Uh… I think you’re going to have to go with a third party solution for that.
Q: Hmph. Well, is there something you can recommend?
A: Uh, I hear Folders Of Vengeance is good.
Q: Oooh…

Q: I have a Mac mini and I installed Boot Camp on it as soon as it came out. I’ve been running Windows and I really like it. So much so that I’m really thinking of switching from the Mac to Windows.
A: Oh. That’s too bad. What is it you like about Windows so much?
Q: Well, it’s free! I mean, I just downloaded it from www.ubuntu.com and installed it!
A: Uh… that’s not Windows. That’s Ubuntu.
Q: Oh. Ubuntu?
A: Yeah. I’ts a Linux distribution. Supposed to be good for you.
Q: Huh.
A: Yeah. Totally different operating system.
Q: Wow. I guess that explains all the free apps and all the compiling and stuff.
A: Yeah.
Q: Well, if I’m going to be a Linux user, does this mean I have to stop showering?
A: Not completely, but no more than once a week. Also, you have to go on long, boring rants about DRM.
Q: Hmm. I guess I can do that.
A: You also have to get really big, out-of-style glasses. And women are out of the question.
Q: Ugh. See, I’m just not sure I’m ready for… you know… the Linux lifestyle.
A: I know what you mean. Personally, if I’m not going to have sex with women, I’d rather just go gay than Linux.
Q: Oh. That… gay… sounds nice. Kind of happy. What OS do I install to do that?
A: There’s no OS. There is some butt sex.
Q: What?
A: I was… just kind of kidding.
Q: Oh.

Q: I have a black MacBook that I recently maxed out on RAM. I do a lot of Keynote presentations and the RAM really seems to help. But my question isn’t about that. My question is, who’s the bigger hack: Paul Thurrott or Rob Enderle?
A: Oh. Wow. Uh… boy…
Q: It’s tough to pick just one, isn’t it?
A: Yes, it is! Ooh, wow.
Q: I’m going to need an answer, though.
A: OK. OK. I’ve gotta go with Enderle. I mean, Thurrott’s got his biases, but Enderle is just wrong all the time. He disproves the broken clock theory.
Q: Enderle is correct! OK, let’s move on to question 2. Who’s a bigger prima donna, Jason O’Grady or Dan Knight?
A: Another tough call. But I’m going to go with O’Grady, as LowEndMac actually has valuable content.
Q: The answer is… O’Grady!
A: Yes!
Q: OK. Just one more, for all the money, the car and the lifetime supply of Vagisil.
A: I’m ready.
Q: John Dvorak or Steve Ballmer – who eats more ass?
A: Ohh!
Q: Yes? You’re smiling!
A: I know this one! It’s Dvorak!
Q: THAT IS CORRECT! John C. Dvorak does eat more ass than Steve Ballmer! Congratulations! You’ve won the money, the car, and the lifetime supply of Vagisil!
A: I already know where I’m going to use that, Ted!
Q: That’s all the time we have. I want to thank all our other contestants and we’ll see you next time on Mac Community Quiz!

Nothing tonight.

We’re going out.

In the comments, please tell us – in detail – what kind of features you’d have if you were an iPod killer.

Wireless?

Unlimited DRM-free downloads?

Hot lesbian action?

Bring it.

Apple Faces Legal Challenge Over "Pod" Trademark.

According to recent reports, Apple has been sending cease-and-desist orders to companies marketing products with names that include “pod”, claiming that they are infringing on the iPod trademark.


One group that has received such a notice has decided to fight Apple in court.

Representation for a group known only as “Pod Creatures From Beyond Our Galaxy” filed a counter-suit against Apple today, claiming prior trademark of the “pod” name.

“Our clients believe that it is Apple that has infringed on their trademark and not the other way around,” said Robert Carlson, chief counsel for the creatures.


“At least we think that’s what they believe. It’s kind of hard to tell as they just stand there pointing at you and shrieking.

“Depositions are really hard. But we will prove in a court of law that they have prior rights to the ‘pod’ trademark going back to their highly successful invasion of the Crab Nebula over 15,000 years ago.”

Apple contends that the aliens’ use of the term “pod” for the plant husks that consume humans and replace them with vegetable counterparts might confuse consumers.

Apple senior counsel Mark Aaker said “We don’t want people to think that we manufacture a ‘pod’ that takes a vibrant, engaged human and replaces him or her with a subservient lump of vegetable matter.”

Aaker paused to consider his words.

“Uh… let me put that another way…”

Carlson indicated that his clients said exactly the same thing, shortly before he was pulled under his desk by several large vines.

Apple Confirms Jobs Is In Fine Health.

Responding to recent speculation that CEO Steve Jobs might be ill, Apple announced today that the mercurial one is feeling just fine.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site reached Apple vice president of worldwide corporate communications Katie Cotton and got the skinny on Jobs’ health status.

CARS: Ms. Cotton, there’s been a lot of loose talk around the Mac community that Steve Jobs’ modest performance at last week’s WWDC keynote might mean that he’s not well. Apple today attempted to pour cold water that, but what can you tell us? Is Steve OK?

COTTON: OK? He’s better than OK. He’s a dynamic, forceful individual with the ability to drive his vision in a complex technological marketplace. He plays an integral role in management of Apple, Pixar and Disney itself, all while doing one-armed pushups. He bakes his own bread and makes his own blender mayonnaise. He is capable of sudden bursts of tremendous speed and can leap great distances in a single bound.

CARS: Oh. Wow. It sounds like Steve’s in peak condition.

COTTON: “Peak condition”? Feh. He more than peak. He’s hovering god-like hundreds of feet above the peak. Why, just the other day I saw him crush a Ford Fairlane with his bare hands.

CARS: What? He… you’re making that up.

COTTON: I am not. He is a mighty being, such as a titan. A giant among men.

CARS: Wait, why did he crush a Ford Fairlane?

COTTON: It was in his parking space.

CARS: Oh. Oh, my god, the driver wasn’t still in it, was he?

COTTON: No, no, no. Steve is a benevolent god. Quick to anger, but ultimately compassionate. Fiercely protective, but not vengeful.

CARS: He sounds complex.

COTTON: He is. He also likes to do sudoku!

CARS: Oh, wow! So do I!

COTTON: Mmm, yes, well, the ones Steve does are 3^100 cells across. So… it’s not really the same as the so-called “sudoku” you do, now, is it?

CARS: Uh… I… guess not. Um, I see that you’ve released Steve’s medical records as proof of his fitness.

COTTON: Yes. We understand that Steve is an iconic figure for Mac users and we want to assure them that he still rules their world supremely.

CARS: Ah. I’m sure that will be… quite… uh… quite…

COTTON: I think the word you’re looking for is “reassuring.”

CARS: Well, no, actually. I was looking for something more like “demeaning.” But let’s go through Steve’s medical report.

COTTON: OK.

CARS: Now, you’ve listed his height as 8′ 3″.

COTTON: Mmm-hmm.

CARS: Now, I’ve seen Steve and he is not 8 feet tall.

COTTON: Is so.

CARS: Is not.

COTTON: Is so.

CARS: [sigh] OK. Let’s move on. You’ve got his heart rate as 3 beats per minute. That seems a little low for a mammal.

COTTON: No. Steve has achieved a zen-like state of inner peace that allows him to lower the rate of all of his bodily functions. In this manner, he will live to be 500 years old.

CARS: As that’s just idle speculation, I’ll let that go.

COTTON: 500 years old. And by then he’ll be the size of a mighty oak, with massive arms that sweep all into his loving embrace.

CARS: Whatever. I just want to ask about one more thing. It says here that “when pricked for a blood sample, instead of blood a bright light spilled from Mr. Jobs’ skin that bathed all in the room in its warm, pure and somehow sexually fulfilling glow.” Now…

COTTON: What?

CARS: There’s nothing you’d like to correct or tone down about that?

COTTON: I believe that speaks for itself. Steve Jobs is the wellspring from which all life flows.

CARS: …

COTTON: What?!

CARS: Well… thanks for your time, Ms. Cotton.

COTTON: Always a pleasure. We should have lunch.

CARS: Yeah, I don’t think so.