Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
Today: You’ve got questions about the Cyber Apocalypse, we’ve got answers!
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Q: I understand there’s this big showdown going on between Apple and vast hordes of killer robots which, I understand, are powered by Windows Mobile.
A: You’re more educated than most people, sir.
Q: And I know that these foul behemoths are bent on destroying Apple because, more than any other company, Apple makes technology work for humans, not the other way around.
A: You got that right.
Q: Further, from my close following of your fine site, I have learned that things have escalated to the point where the robots have the Apple campus surrounded, putting Macworld Expo in jeopardy.
A: Sing it.
Q: But what I don’t get is why I haven’t seen any signs of all these robot battles that are supposedly raging about me. What gives?
A: Well, think about it. If robots were going to annihilate the human race and set up their insidious New Robot Order, don’t you think they’d want people to think nothing was going on?
Q: Uh, well, I guess so. But…
A: Of course they would! Now, if you look closely, you can see the sure signs of a fever-pitched battle for the fate of civilization as we know it.
Q: Like what?
A: Well, if there were no Cyber Apocalypse raging between man and machine, would people feel the need to torture captured Pleos to try to extract information?
Q: That’s just weird.
A: Don’t deny the truth that’s all around you!
Q: Oh, the hell with it. There’s nothing good on TV because of the writer’s strike so the Cyber Apocalypse is all I’ve got.
A: Hmm. Well… I guess I’ll take that.
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Q: Cyber Apocalypse? This is stupid. And you’re stupid. And your mother dresses you like a retard.
A: Oh, well, fine. It makes me no never mind. When their vicious metal pincers are pulling you apart like fresh bread, don’t come crying to me. And, I’m sorry, do these “retards“, as you so eloquently put it, shop at Sears?! I think not!
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Q: OK, so what’s the deal? Do I need to do something? Am I supposed to make a contribution? Reboot? What?
A: No, no, no. It’s gone far beyond that. It’s up to Apple now. Apple will need to break the blockade and destroy the Central Plexor.
Q: Oh.
A: Eeyup.
Q: OK.
A: Um, aren’t you going to ask me what the Central Plexor is?
Q: [sigh] Do I have to?
A: Well, let’s just do this and wrap it up, OK?
Q: OK. What’s the Central Plexor?
A: The Central Plexor is the robots’ main central hub. It connects all the robots together so they can carry out their evil plot.
Q: Oh. So it’s like Skynet.
A: What?! No, no, it’s nothing like Skynet.
Q: Oh. Then it’s like Colossus, the Forbin Project.
A: No! Look, um, no. The point is, uh, just that if they destroy the Central Plexor, the robots will go back to being dumb hunks of metal.
Q: So, OK, William Gibson, where’s the Central Plexor?
A: Inside the lead robot.
Q: The lead robot.
A: Yeah.
Q: OK.
A: His name’s Kent.
Q: Oh, fer… Are you even trying anymore?
It’s currently difficult to get any good information as One Infinite Loop is effectively under robot blockade. No one has been able to break past their death-laser perimeter, although General Counsel Daniel Cooperman was allowed out briefly to turn off his car alarm after one of the robots bumped into his vehicle, accidentally setting it off. They exchanged insurance information and Cooperman returned to the building.