CARS Presents: The Indeterminately Periodic Apple Community Wedgie Awards!

ANNOUNCER: Live, ANNOUNCER: And now, Michael Dell and George Ou. The award is determined by secret ballot by a secret committee of Apple community luminaries and can take place at any time. The committee is convened when a klieg light that sits atop the super-secret CARS headquarters is lit, shining the outline of a pair of men’s briefs in the sky. The process is both thoughtful and deliberate. When a pundit is nominated, the process can take days or minutes, but is audited by the accounting firm of PricewaterhouseCoopers. If a pundit is selected, a pair of briefs is hoisted on the CARS flagpole and the wedgie is delivered immediately and with extreme prejudice by several pre-selected members of the Apple community on call in the nominee’s geographic area.

[APPLAUSE AS MASAKO LEAVES THE STAGE.]

THOR: Thank you, Masako. Now, tonight’s award is a bit of a surprise. Who could have expected in the waning days of 2007, staring down the barrel at another exciting Macworld keynote, with Apple firing on all cylinders, that we’d see a work of such jackassitude that it would bring us all together here tonight. To present tonight’s award, I’d like to turn the stage over to CARS Editor-In-Chief John Moltz. John?

[MOLTZ APPEARS WEARING A GREY SUIT WITH FLOOD PANTS, WHITE BUCKS AND A RED BOW TIE.]

MOLTZ: Thor, when I first read about tonight’s late entrant, I believe Screaming Yellow Zonkers literally came flying out of my nose. I was eating Screaming Yellow Zonkers at the time and such was the force of my astonishment that the screen of my PowerBook will never be the same.

Rarely is a work so breathtakingly blinkered, so astoundingly ill-timed and yet still so fucking long. But even more rarely is it also keyed with the rhetorical reserve of a junior high school English Composition student.

Let’s take just a small look at some of this entrant’s work that has earned him this award.

Yet this is also a dangerous moment for Apple. In a way the company has never seen, the barbarians are massing at the gates. From hardware to software to services, major competitors with serious R&D and marketing budgets are laying siege to the House of Jobs.

In an age increasingly defined by interoperability and technical collaboration, Jobs still refuses to license Apple’s operating system.

He won’t allow music and videos downloaded from iTunes to be played on other MP3 players.

… MacWorld [sic] …

And there’s so much more. So, it is with great pleasure that I announce that this indeterminately periodic Apple Community Wedgie goes to…

Fast Company’s Adam L. Penenberg!

[THE CROWD ERUPTS IN APPLAUSE. AS THE CROWD APPLAUDS, A VIDEO MONITOR DESCENDS FROM THE CEILING ABOVE THE STAGE. IT SHOWS PENENBERG HANGING DEJECTEDLY FROM A COAT HOOK BY HIS UNDERWEAR, WHICH APPEARS TO BE A PAIR OF WHITE BOXERS WITH LITTLE RED HEARTS ON THEM. PENENBERG WAVES UNCOMFORTABLY, WINCING.]

Isn’t that great? It truly is a sign of a community coming together and saying “Holy fucking hell, you really are one tremendous jackass.”

Back to you, Thor.

THOR: Thank you, John! Well, I’d just like say what a privilege it’s been to MC this event tonight. It’s gratifying when the Apple community comes together and we here at CARS are pleased that even during the Cyber Apocalypse, we can all take the time to make a difference in someone’s life. By hoisting them up by their U-trow.

I want to thank you again for coming out. You’ve been a great audience. And now, I’ll leave you with…

THE SOLID GOLD CARS DANCERS!

[THE SOLID GOLD CARS DANCERS TAKE THE STAGE. LIGHTS SWEEP THE AUDIENCE AND PENENBERG CONTINUES TO WAVE UNCOMFORTABLY. MUSIC PLAYS. PAN OUT AND CUE COMMERCIAL.]

Inside Apple

It’s been a while since we’ve done one of these, but sources deep inside Apple – like in the boiler room – forwarded this transcript of a meeting that took place in Tokyo between Apple representatives and those of NTT DoCoMo over bringing the iPhone to Japan.

Let’s do it again, boys and, um, girl. Let’s go… Inside Apple.
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SCHILLER: Let me just say that it’s a pleasure to be here and we’re really excited about the opportunity to bring the iPhone to Japan!

JOBS: That’s right, Phil. The iPhone is a device uniquely fitted to the Japanese market. We think Japan’s sophisticated consumer electronics buyers are really going to enjoy it.

NTT DOCOMO EXECUTIVE 1: Hey! Let’s super fun time with iPhone!

SCHILLER: Um… [LOOKS QUIZZICALLY AT JOBS]

JOBS: Uh… yes! Exactly! Let’s super fun time with iPhone!

NTT DOCOMO EXECUTIVE 2: You get super number 1! In vibrant blues and yellows!

SCHILLER: Uh… that’s… good.

JOBS: What does that mean?

SCHILLER: It doesn’t matter! Because we’re excited about working with your company to bring the iPhone to the Japanese market. So, let’s talk some numbers…

EXECUTIVE 1: Numbers! Ah! Yes!

JOBS: Yes, numbers!

SCHILLER: Numbers! OK, so, we were thinking…

EXECUTIVE 1: 14!

EXECUTIVE 2: One thousand eleventy!

EXECUTIVE 1: Seven seventy!

EXECUTIVE 2: Twenty twenty!

EXECUTIVE 1: Sixty Minutes!

EXECUTIVE 2: Ladies panties!

SCHILLER: I, uh, was more thinking number of units.

JOBS: I was thinking number of dollars. Or yen. I’m not particular.

SCHILLER: OK, OK. What about ad campaigns? I was thinking some top Japanese talent could give the iPhone a hip image. Any names you can think of?

EXECUTIVE 1: Ah, top talent!

EXECUTIVE 2: Top talent!

EXECUTIVE 1: We get John Wayne!

EXECUTIVE 2: No, Steve McQueen!

EXECUTIVE 1: Ah! Bang-bang!

EXECUTIVE 2: Bang-bang! Sell many iPhones!

SCHILLER: No. No. They’re not hip. Or Japanese. Or alive.

JOBS: Well, McQueen’s hip. Still dead, though.

SCHILLER: I think we need Japanese celebrities. Or ordinary people! Man on the street types!

EXECUTIVE 1: Ah, man on za street! Yes! My cousin is number one top man on za streeto!

SCHILLER: Is your accent getting heavier?

EXECUTIVE 2: Ah! Ah! Time for Wii!

EXECUTIVE 1: Time for Wii!

EXECUTIVE 2: Wiiiiiiii!

[THE NTT DOCOMO EXECUTIVES TURN ON A NINTENDO WII AND BEGIN TO PLAY.]

SCHILLER: OK, uh, we’ll just go… and…

JOBS: We’ll talk later.

SCHILLER: Right. We’ll talk later.

[THE APPLE EXECUTIVES LEAVE.]

EXECUTIVE 1: [DROPPING THE WII CONTROLLER] Well, that went well.

EXECUTIVE 2: I think so. A few more meetings like this and we should have them right where we want them.

EXECUTIVE 1: Great. No way we’re getting screwed like AT&T. I hope it happens soon, though, because this papier-mache Hello Kitty head really itches.

EXECUTIVE 2: Oh, you think this Godzilla suit is any better? This rubber really chafes my junk.

EXECUTIVE 1: Ha-ha!

EXECUTIVE 2: What? What did I say… Oh! Ha-ha!

EXECUTIVE 1: Ha-ha! “This rubber chafes my junk”!

EXECUTIVE 2: Heh-heh. Ahhh. Hey, could you unzip me?

Jobs Giving Apple Employees Special Holiday Gift.

At a surprise all-hands meeting, CEO Steve Jobs announced that as thanks for another spectacular year, Apple employees would be receiving a special holiday gift.

“Tomorrow,” Jobs said to the excited crowd, “each employee of Apple worldwide, including retail stores, will receive one or more heads of livestock.”

Jobs, who had previously given Apple employees such items as an iPod shuffle and an iPhone, said “The gift of livestock is an investment into our employees. It’s previously concerned me that electronics such as iPods or iPhones are depreciating assets that offer no ongoing value. Livestock, on the other hand, allows our employees to increase their protein intake and their income.

“Also, they’re great for trading for wives.”

A memo distributed at the meeting stated that each Apple employee will receive either a llama, two goats or six rabbits.

According to Jobs, llamas may be sheared or slaughtered for meat, goats can provide milk or be slaughtered for meat, while rabbits…

“Well, rabbits are pretty much just meat. Of course you can breed them for more meat. And there ain’t nothing wrong with meat. Um, not that I’d know.”

Jobs paused to wipe some saliva from the corner of his mouth.

Apple employees were slightly confused by the announcement.

“I was kind of hoping for an Apple TV or a fat nano,” said AppleCare support technician Dale Kelly.

“I live in a small, unfurnished apartment and I think it would be a violation of my tenant’s agreement to have livestock in my unit.

“So I’m just going to slaughter mine immediately. Probably in my cube.”

Jobs also announced that each and every Apple customer would be getting a bucket of corn meal.

Heifer International, a charitable organization that helps fight world hunger through gifts of livestock to the developing world, denied any connection to Jobs’ announcement. But a spokesman did note that a fully tax-deductible donation of livestock makes a great holiday gift to yourself and those in need.

Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
________________

Q: I’m trying to create an AppleScript to upload my photos to Flickr from iPhoto and I’m having a really hard time.

A: Oh, you need to use Automator.

Q: Automator?

A: Automator!

Q: Automator?

A: There’s a way to control it!
It’s totally Au-to-ma-tor!
Whatever you can record
You can do it blindfolded
Completely automatic!
All of your systems get down!
Down down down
Automator!
Automator!

Q: Um…

A:

Q: So, how do I…

A: What is this madness
That makes my Mac run
And my legs too weak to stand?
I go from sadness
To ex-hil-a-ration
I got Automator at my command!

Q: You know, I’d hang up and call someone else, but your singing voice is so much better than Chris Breen’s.

A: My hands perspire and shake like a leaf!

Q: [sigh]
________________

Q: Hey, do you know anyone at Apple legal?

A: Oh, yeah. We know lots of people. Well… a few people. Well, one.

Q: Because apparently there’s this dude who wrote a book about sexbots in the future and he doesn’t even credit Apple for the idea!

A: I forget her name. She was really nice on the phone.

Q: I mean, Apple invented the idea of sex with robots, right?!

A: The funny thing was, I had a PowerBook in for repair at the time and when I saw the caller ID said “Apple” I picked up immediately because I just assumed it was about my PowerBook.

Q: They totally did! He stole their idea!

A: All she wanted me to do was remove the Apple copyrighted image that I had superimposed a naked lady on from the site.

Q: Apple needs to sue this guy into the stone age!

A: And you know what? I folded like a old card table. I did! I mean, I was talking to someone who probably had lunch with Nancy Heinen. Nancy Heinen! Can you imagine?! What do you think Nancy ordered?

Q: So do you have her number?

A: Nancy Heinen’s number?! I wish!

Q: Are we talking about the same thing?

A: Mmm… Nancy.
________________

Q: I just downloaded the QuickTIme update and I have to say I am not impressed.

A: Oh? What’s wrong?

Q: Well, before I updated I watched that trailer for Speed Racer and I watched it again after I updated. And guess what?

A: It still looked like the work of the bastard child of Hunter S. Thompson and Hello Kitty?

Q: Exactly.

A: Well, it’s really just a security update. So it’s not going to fix that.

Q: Oh. Well, maybe I’ll just go try to sleep it off.

A: You do that.

Q: Kind of a bad trip.

A: Well… good night.

Q: Hey, do you know where I can score some mescaline?

A: [click]

Q: Hello? Helloooo?

Jobs Names Successor.

In a surprise move known only to the members of the Apple board, CEO Steve Jobs has settled a potentially divisive controversy by naming his successor.

While rumors had previously swirled around Tim Cook, Phil Schiller and most recently Jonathan Ive, sources indicate Jobs has gone outside the company.

“He felt that choosing someone inside the company could set off a civil war,” a source said. “Which sounds dramatic but really just means a lot of slap fights in the hallway. Although, no one wants that, either. It just looks so pathetic.”

Not only has Jobs gone outside the company, he has also gone outside the country. For the next Apple CEO will be Russian President Vladimir Putin.

According to published reports, Putin has set the stage for his move to Apple by picking his own successor, Dmitry Medvedev. In an ironic twist, Medvedev’s successor will actually be an iPod shuffle.

“This is an excellent choice,” said Macworld editor Jason Snell. “Putin is a lot like Jobs. He’s highly secretive, ruthlessly unforgiving, and mercurial. And, while he isn’t known to wear black mock turtlenecks, he might even turn it up a notch.”

Jobs currently has no plans to step down, but Putin is reportedly already familiarizing himself with Apple’s products. He’s also rumored to be having Lenin’s body relocated to a strip mall in Minsk so a really bitching Apple Store can be constructed in the Red Square mausoleum.

“I am so going to that opening,” Snell said.