Month: July 2006

CARS Editor Switches to Linux.

Joining the increasing throngs of uber-geeks who have switched from the Mac OS to Linux, I regret to announce that I have come to the conclusion that I can no longer justify my use of Apple’s proprietary data formats.

For too long Apple has attempted to lock its users in to its closed platform and closed applications.

For this reason, I have reformatted my Performa 6400 and installed Yellow Dog Linux.

Yes, I know this will come as a shock to many of you, but I am eschewing Mac OS 9.2 for a more modern, stable operating system.

And, I must say, it’s going swimmingly so far. Installation was a breeze and I’m now enjoying the benefits of a fully cooperative operating system with protected memory and a host of robust applications with open data formats.

All…

Um…

All at a 640 X 480 resolution.

You know, I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to use an operating system release that’s come out since 1999 at 640 X 480 but it’s practically impossible. Modal windows don’t have scroll bars and when you can’t see the buttons because they’re off the screen, it makes computing kind of a crap shoot.

I tried picking my particular monitor – an Apple Multiscan 15-inch – in the display configuration and, well, things pretty much just went to shit. The colors all went to five different shades of orange and the display space was just half the vertical area of the screen.

Not easily dissuaded from my goal to ditch OS 9.2 and enjoy the wondrous, magical fairyland of openness that is Linux, I sought the professional help of a Linux geek in an online forum.

Here’s how the conversation went:

ME: I can’t seem to get the screen resolution right. I’m picking the exact monitor and video card I have from the list, but it gets all goofed up.

LINUX GEEK: You need to add a video argument to BootX, such as “video=atyfb:vmode:17,cmode:24”. Boot into Linux and run Xconfigurator and setup your video as desired. Then exit and run startx. It’s easy!

ME: Uhhh… OK. Gosh, there are a lot of parameters in your argument there. Not to mention all the colons. Maybe you can walk me through that a bit. Mine’s a 15-inch monitor. Should I change the 17 to a 15? What does the rest of it mean?

LINUX GEEK: Open your display.temp.config.pants file, set line 974 to “stun” and then reboot in gigantic robot mode.

ME: “Gigantic robot mode”?

LINUX GEEK: Just before the donkey appears, press command-option-shift-umlaut-fire and bark like a crazed hyena. Now dump your trash on your head and wave your genitals in the air in a circular motion with arms akimbo.

ME: OK, now you’re just talking gibberish.

LINUX GEEK: Aboogee agga! Muwasi matoombo! AI-AI-AI-AI-AI-AI-AI!

Well.

At least I’m still running OS X on all my other hardware.

Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I’ve been reading stories of Dell laptops that blow up. I’m currently using a Dell Inspiron and I’m just wondering, is there any way to induce that?
A: Uhhh, you mean to make your laptop blow up?
Q: Yeah.
A: Why would you want to do that?
Q: Well, obviously if my laptop blows up, then I have to go out and get a new laptop. Like a MacBook.
A: That seems like rather an expensive way to go about it. Couldn’t you just sell your existing Dell and buy a MacBook?
Q: Pff. Yes, mother, I could, but then nothing will have blown up!
A: OK, so it’s at least partly about seeing something blow up.
Q: Well, I should get something out of this.
A: Other than a new laptop.
Q: God! Why are you making this so difficult?!

Q: I have a series of AppleWorks databases that I want to migrate to MySQL. I have the database structure set up in the destination system, but I’m not sure how to best get the data out of AppleWorks. What do you recommend?
A: My friend, you are about to embark upon a journey at once exciting and dangerous. If you mean to do this… this… export… you speak of… will you have the will to see it through?
Q: Uh… I think so. What are we talking here?
A: Dark magics. The darkest magics.
Q: Oh, you say that all the time…
A: No. No. Well… yes. I do. But this time I really mean it.
Q: Sure you do.
A: No. I do. Uh… look… first you have to draw a pentagram…
Q: You know what? I’m just going to export them to ASCII and then take it from there.
A: No! No, don’t do that! You have to get a goat!
Q: Mmm, I don’t think so.
A: You must appease Gorto!
Q: Gorto will understand.

Q: Oh, man, are you gonna take that?! That bitch just totally used your toothbrush!
A: What am I supposed to do? If he wants to commit acts against Gorto it’s his funeral.
Q: Wow. Gorto’s really that strict?
A: Well… “funeral” is really sort of an exaggeration. Or a metaphor. Or maybe I”m just talking about a funeral for his data.
Q: Wait, what? He’s just going to lose his data? What the hell kind of demon god vengance is that?
A: Losing your data is no laughing matter. Unless it’s, like, some Creed MP3s or something.
Q: Well, yeah, but it’s not like the dude’s guts are going to wind up wrapped around his neck or he’s going to have scorpions for hands or… or chafing around his junk or anything. He’s probably got a backup.
A: He doesn’t have a backup. Gorto has seen to that.
Q: Gorto took his backup?
A: No. Gorto… um… left his backup CDs on the dash of his Impala. In the sun.
Q: Right. You know, I’m starting to think this Gorto’s not really that much of a badass.
A: Dude, he’s got an Impala! It don’t get any badder-assed than that!
Q: Uh-huh.

iPods Apparently Sometimes Break.

An article in the Chicago Tribune laments the “pain in the iPod”, which is reportedly its propensity to break down (link via Infinite Loop).

According to an unscientific Macintouch survey referenced in the article, iPods have a 13.7 percent failure rate and models that are no longer available for purchase are more likely to have failed than currently available iPods.

“Whether this is because newer iPods are built better or because they just haven’t had as much time to fail was not covered by our unscientific survey,” said Macintouch’s Ric Ford.

Because the survey was voluntary, Ford admitted that people with an axe to grind might have been more likely to respond.

“We also had some kids who wrote ‘booger’ in for every answer,” Ford said. “After some discussion we decided not to count those.”

Ford declined to offer an opinion on whether or not 13.7 percent was high.

“What I will say is, if I’m someday forced to return to the past to prevent a robot apocalypse in the future, I’m not going to be picking up an iPod while I’m there, because it’ll be more likely to break down.

“Plus, there’s the whole issue of having to be naked for time travel. I mean, you might get a shuffle through, but I’m not bringing back a 40 GB click wheel one, if you know what I mean.”

Ford then acted out what he thought a robot apocalypse might look like using several Transformers he happened to have handy.

Also quoted in the article was (surprise!) the habitually incorrect Rob Enderle. Enderle apparently had to stand up to pull, not a 40 GB click wheel iPod, but a number from his ass. Miraculously, Enderle’s number echoed Macintouch’s, rounding it up to 15 percent so it would sound like he had independent confirmation.

Enderle said that this was comparable to cell phone failure rates but added that “cell phones are much easier and cheaper to repair” than iPods.

When asked if he had ever actually owned a cell phone or an iPod or had dealt with a cellular provider or Apple repair, Enderle said he prefers to use walkie-talkies and hum to himself.

Apple Announces Largest Purchase in Corporate History

Apple Computer today said that it is ramping up production to fulfill the largest single order ever placed in the company’s storied history: one billion McBoookS that will be shipped to a post office box in Lagos, Nigeria, and paid for by cashier’s check.

Apple CEO Steve Jobs said, “This single order justifies the sleepless nights of many thousands of Apple employees, and our decision to switch to Intel processors. We’re thrilled by this out-of-the-blue relationship with our new biggest client.”

The order, received via email along with what appeared to be several thousand similar orders – which Apple believes must have been an accidental duplication – asked for the McBoookS to be sent immediately to a Mr. Sonni Abachi (Madam). While Apple makes MacBooks and MacBook Pros, the company, until today, has not offered anything called “McBoookS.” In a concession to the size of the order, however, the product will be produced in a limited, one billion unit run for the customer.

Mr. Abachi (Madam) could only be reached via email, and confirmed that he (or she) had plans for the computers.

“In good Christ,” Mr. Abachi (Madam) wrote, “All computerss will die..and thus planning for out of country funds over to a peeoples through out the world.;;.”

Apple CFO Peter Oppenheimer admitted “The dialog with Mr. Abachi (Madam) has been a little rough.

“But he said ‘In good Christ’, so we’re sure it’s all on the up and up.”

Some of the emails had offered cash taken from briefcases of several dead African warlords in lieu of the cashier’s check, but Apple was unsure where it could exchange Botswanan pulas. Also, Steve Jobs would have had to fly to Geneva 30 days after the McBoookS shipped in order to collect.

Mr. Abachi (Madam) said the cashier’s check would be made out for $1.7 trillion, despite the fact that Apple has stated the order’s value as $1.5 trillion.

Oppenheimer said Mr. Abachi (Madam) asked for the $200 billion above the order to be wired to a cousin in Los Angeles who had been ill.

Apple will ship the computers immediately upon receipt of the cashier’s check – expected any day – and will immediately run to the bank to deposit it.

Who Is Rob Enderle?

He has been called a “forward-looking analyst.”

A “respected technology pundit.”

An “endless font of quotes you can get quickly on deadline.”

And a “clueless monkey dick sucking numbskull.”

But who is Rob Enderle?

After Enderle was quoted in numerous articles about the Microsoft Zune noting how wicked boss it’s going to be, Crazy Apple Rumors Site conducted an in-depth look into this technology industry mover and shaker.

Rob Enderle was raised by a family of rabid weasels living under miner Earl Schmight’s trailer in the Happy Havens trailer park in Upper Turkeyfoot, Penn.

“I remember Rob running around here as a youngster,” Schmight said. “I’d yell at him ‘GIT OFF DA DAG BURN FORD FAIRLANE, ENDERLE! GOD DAMMIT, YOU’RE GONNA END UP NOTHIN’ BUT A HACK TECHNOLOGY PUNDIT!'”

Spitting on the ground, Schmight said “Turns out I was right.”

According to sources, Enderle learned everything he knows about technology by watching a turn-of-the-century stereopticon of two monkeys mating. Some time around 1995, Enderle lay wallowing in a mosquito-infested bog in south Florida when inspiration hit him. Rising from the sludge, Enderle uttered the words that would define his career: “Microsoft good. Apple bad.”

Park Ranger David Marchesi witnessed the event.

“He stood up right over there,” Marchesi said, pointing to a fetid pool of swamp ooze.

“Scared the bejeezus out of me.

“Snakes. Lizards. Alligators. Your occasional swamp thing. Those I can handle. But I don’t cotton to those technology pundits. No sir, I do not.”

Enderle has made a substantial name for himself* using the tried and true “No one ever got fired for recommending Microsoft” principle. What has earned him such enmity in the Macintosh community is his seemingly willful misunderstanding of anything Apple.

“It’s like reading the analysis of a meth-addled circus poodle,” said John C. Welch.

“I mean, seriously, how consistently wrong can one person be and still get called for an opinion?

“NO! Don’t end the article! I need someone to answer that question for me! HOW WRONG DOES HE HAVE TO BE?! BECAUSE I JUST DON’T GET IT!”

* “Asshole.”