Apple To Merge With Google, Sun and Others.

Blockbuster news that is sure to rock the Macintosh community has been forwarded to Crazy Apple Rumors Site today.

According to sources, Apple will merge with Google as has recently been speculated after the addition of Google’s CEO to Apple’s board.

Further, the resulting hardware and software powerhouse will then merge with Sun, as has recently been speculated.

Then, the company will crush Linux, as has also recently been speculated, by implementing a 3-step plan:

  1. Seize control of SourceForge and other online repositories of open source code.
  2. Linus Torvalds wakes up with a penguin head in his bed.
  3. Bribe existing Linux users to convert to OS X with the promise of getting them dates with actual girls.

Once Linux is destroyed, the company will then expand again by merging with Oracle, as has been speculated will happen since Nostradamus first predicted it in 1557.

But Apple/Google/Sun/Oracle will not stop there.

The company will then merge with the Science Patrol – the organization featuring Ultraman – and International Rescue of Thunderbirds fame.

Now a force beyond all ken, of a magnitude that even the gods themselves – let alone Microsoft – would shake to hear its name, Apple/Google/Sun/Oracle/Science Patrol/International Rescue will, strangely, divest itself of all its primary assets. It will then operate as a holding company that purchases real estate properties on spec in hot markets and sells them at inflated prices before quickly moving on to another town.

Kind of a letdown, isn’t it?

Jobs' Bathroom Conversation Caught On Tape.

Just days after CNN host Kyra Phillips forgot to turn off her microphone and was heard on-the-air in the bathroom, a recording of Apple CEO Steve Jobs in the bathroom at WWDC has surfaced.

Sources on the sound crew at WWDC forwarded to Crazy Apple Rumors Site a recording of a conversation between Jobs and Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller – which apparently took place just after the keynote – in the Moscone Center men’s room.

JOBS: [Whistling what sounds like John Lennon’s Imagine.]

[Sound of the bathroom door opening.]


JOBS: Oh! Hi, Phil.

[The sound of a zipper being opened]

SCHILLER: Good… good keynote!

JOBS: Yeah? You think? I thought it might have been a little… flat.

SCHILLER: Oh, no! No! No. No. Well… no. We killed ’em with the iChat bit.

JOBS: Heh. Yeah. Yeah.

SCHILLER: Heh-heh. Yeaaaaaah.

[A prolonged silence followed by more whistling.]

JOBS: Sooo…


JOBS: Uh… see that… game… last night?

SCHILLER: Uh, hockey doesn’t start until October.

JOBS: Oh. Isn’t there… baseball or something?

SCHILLER: Nyeah, but the Sox are…

JOBS: The… Sox?

SCHILLER: The Red Sox.

JOBS: Oh. I’ve heard of them. I like that Damon guy.

SCHILLER: Uh… yeah. He’s, um… not… well. Yeah.

[A prolonged silence followed by more whistling.]

SCHILLER: I’m just realizing this but… we’ve never… been in the bathroom at the same time before.

JOBS: No. I guess you’re right.

SCHILLER: How is that possible? We’ve been working together for a long time.

JOBS: Well, I don’t go to the bathroom at Apple.

SCHILLER: You… don’t…

JOBS: No. I find that if I have a full bladder, I work better. I have a bigger sense of urgency in everything I do.

SCHILLER: Oh. Wow. That’s… that’s cool. Sort of twisted zen kind of thing. Maybe I should try…

JOBS: I’m so messing with you.

SCHILLER: Wha… Oh! Ha-ha! Ahhh, you got me!

JOBS: Yeah. I don’t really do that.

[A prolonged silence followed by more whistling.]

SCHILLER: So, what’s the deal with [VP of platform experience Scott] Forstall?

JOBS: The… deal?

SCHILLER: Yeah. Kind of an attitude problem.

JOBS: Oh. I hadn’t noticed.

SCHILLER: Yeah, I was talking about it with Peter.

JOBS: Hmm, well, I haven’t experienced that. I did notice he smells like feet.

SCHILLER: Oh. My. God! What is that?!

JOBS: I’m guessing it’s his feet.

SCHILLER: Oh, man, I hope so!

JOBS: Ha-ha!


[The sound of a bathroom stall opening followed by sharp footsteps.]

FORSTALL: I have a condition!

[Sharp footsteps followed by the sound of the bathroom door opening then closing.]

SCHILLER: Did you see that?

JOBS: I did.

SCHILLER: He didn’t wash his hands.

JOBS: Tsk.

SCHILLER: Tsk. And on top of that, he’s got an attitude problem.

JOBS: Yeah, I heard that. Oh… hey… wait a minute. Is this microphone still on?

You know, I often feel compelled to provide some kind of analysis for these transcripts but I’m just never sure where to go.

Jobs Personally Fulfilling Battery Replacement Orders.

A reader report on MacInTouch reveals that Apple CEO Steve jobs has taken a personal interest in the fulfillment of PowerBook and iBook battery replacement orders.

But beyond simply making sure the orders of people who bother him personally are filled, Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that Jobs himself is personally fulfilling each and every of the 1.8 million orders.

“Steve just really wanted to do this, said Peter Mehring, head of Mac hardware engineering.

“He hates to let down Apple’s customers so he’s personally going door to door to deliver these new batteries.

“Plus, he, uh… well, he fired the whole fulfillment team about three months ago, so…”

According to PowerBook and iBook owners, Jobs has been gracious during his deliveries.

Mac user Andrew Corvin said “Steve said that he was really excited about these new batteries because they don’t explode and that he was sure I would be surprised and delighted about not being burned beyond recognition.

“And you know what? I was!”

Jobs could not be reached for comment for this story, as he was somewhere out on delivery between S. Hosmer and 48th in Santa Barbara.

Apple Spokesperson Makes Startling Security Revelations.

When asked to comment on the recent Security Bitch Watch controvery (now concluding day 8!), the usually inscrutable Apple spokesperson Lynn Fox made several telling comments about the state of Mac security.

Many hours have been spent poring over Fox’s comments of a week ago Friday and whether or not they represent an outright refutal of SecureWorks claims or are just so much PR speak. Indeed, many of Fox’s comments in today’s interview might have gone unnoticed by less seasoned reporters.

Fox began by reiterating the company’s statement that SecureWorks has not presented Apple with any evidence that the Airport firmware and software supplied with the MacBook is suceptible to the attack shown in their video demonstration.

She added, however that “What surprises us is that Maynor and Ellch completely missed the massive security flaw in our Bluetooth stack.

“For instance,” Fox said, “Simply pairing a Bluetooth headset with Mac OS X for Intel causes the system to turn on remote access, remove the root password, and erase several key user-data files.

“And don’t get me started on USB,” she said, her words slurring.

“I don’t even want to talk about USB. Listen, if you mention USB, I’m going to hit you so hard you won’t even remember that plugging in a camera to a USB connection on the Mac automatically sends browser caches to the NSA.”

Fox stopped to take a slug from a small, opaque bottle she carried with her.

“Now, I’m not going to talk at all about the TCP/IP problems. Not all. So I won’t even explain that attempting to connect to AppleShare over IP with the user name ‘sjobs’ exposes the entire contents of all attached drives, all networked drives with stored passwords, and initiates password cracking against all computers on the ISP’s attached network.

“No, sirree,” Fox said, slumping quietly to the floor. “No, sirree.”

Apple declined to comment for this story, shortly after Fox passed out.

Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday,

Q: If you happen to see someone using a third party card, is it ethical to tap into their MacBook using this hack?
A: No! Not at all! I mean, you wouldn’t use their toothbrush would you?
Q: No. Well… no. But, I mean, what if you suspected they might have lesbian ninja porn on their hard drive?
A: Dude…
Q: Well, I just… I’m trying to… just trying to figure out the etiquette…
A: Dude, if you suspect they have lesbian ninja porn on their hard drive, you grab the laptop and run like hell.
Q: Oh.
A: To my house.
Q: Uh… right.

Q: I have a MacBook that I’m trying to initiate the SecureWorks Wifi hack from but I’m having some trouble. I try sticking the cigarette into my eye, but find that my eyelid descends at the last minute to block it. Any tips for keeping your eye open?
A: I’ve found those things they used on Malcolm McDowell in A Clockwork Orange work really well, but Chet swears you can get the same results from ordinary toothpicks. At any rate, if you just keep at it, you’re likely to burn right through your eyelid and that’ll get the job done.
Q: And, refresh my memory… how does this help me wirelessly hack something?
A: Uh… actually, I think it’s supposed to help make your Mac more secure. Or something. To be frank, I’m kind of confused on that point.
Q: Gosh. There’s so much I don’t understand about computer security.
A: It is complicated. I guess that’s why we need the help of professionals.
Q: Mmm-hmm.

Q: I know the whole Mac universe is up in arms about this whole thing, but I’m just not seeing it. Why should I care about this?
A: Wha-why should you care?! Oh, I don’t know. Maybe you like having your eye burned out with a cigarette.
Q: C’mon, they apologized for that.
A: That’s so nice! All is forgiven! Now if I could just see out of my left eye…
Q: Oh, stop it. Look, there’s a very real chance they may actually have a hack of Airport. Why heap so much shit on them? It’s just another case of the Mac community run amok.
A: Yeah, well, if someone decides they’re going to kick a hornet’s nest, I don’t have a lot of sympathy when they go crying to their momma – or George Ou – when they get stung.
Q: Well, I guess that’s a good point.
A: Oh, and you know what else?
Q: You’re kind of worked up over this.
A: Let me just make this other point…
Q: No. No. It’s OK, dude.
A: No! NO! It’s NOT OK! See, what I was going to say is that…
Q: I’ll just… let myself out…