Archive for September, 2006

29 SepFriday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Today: products Apple hasn’t released!


Q: I have an Apple iPhone and I’m having trouble synching it with iTunes. The songs I buy on iTunes get put on the iPhone, but the songs that I wirelessly download to the iPhone don’t make it on to iTunes. I’ve tried…
A: Wait, wait… you have.. an iPhone?
Q: Uh, yeah. I said that. So, anyway, I can’t get it to…
A: But Apple hasn’t released an iPhone yet.
Q: Oh, yeah, I’m calling from the future. That’s one of the features. The ability to call anyone in time. Well, anyone in time that has a phone.
A: Wow. That’s amazing. So when are you calling from?
Q: May, 2007.
A: May, 2007? Well, why don’t you just call me then?
Q: Uh, well, I really shouldn’t say. Don’t want to disrupt the time stream.
A: S-say what?!
Q: Oh… well… OK. You know that party you’re going to tomorrow night?
A: Y-yeah?
Q: Don’t eat the salmon mousse.
Q: Oooh…


Q: I have an Apple iTablet and I’m having issues with OS X “Lite.” The “Lite” version of iPhoto isn’t able to handle all my pictures and the “Lite” version of iTunes makes my songs sound all tinny.
A: Wait, are you calling from the future?
Q: No. Why?
A: Well, it’s just that Apple hasn’t released an iTablet.
Q: Oh, yeah, I got tired of waiting for them to make one, so I made my own. It actually runs an OS based on Linux I coded myself and I cobbled the parts together. I can’t wait forever, you know.
A: Well, shouldn’t you be able to fix your problem, then?
Q: Yes, I could but that would kill the whole fantasy that it was released by Apple.
A: Mmm. You’re complicated, aren’t you.
Q: OK, if you don’t want to help me with the iTablet, how about the ultra-lite MacBook I made?
A: What’s the problem with that?
Q: Well, the real problem is it’s just a foam-core board mockup. It doesn’t do anything.
A: Uh… you’re really hoping for a response here, are you?
Q: Yeah.
A: Ookay… uh… have you tried rebooting?


Q: I have an Apple Newton and I’m trying to get it connected to the Internet. I have the ISP info all set up, but when I go into Newt’s Cape it doesn’t find any of the sites.
A: Wait, wait, wait. We’re taking questions about products Apple’s never released. They actually sold the Newton.
Q: Oh, yeah, I know that, but mine’s a micro color Newton with 2 GB of flash memory. It’s the size of a deck of cards.
A: Wow! Where did you get that?! Did you make it?
Q: Make it?! No! I found it in the dumpster behind One Infinite Loop eight years ago! There were hundreds of them!
A: Wait, you found it eight years ago and you’re only trying to get it on the Internet now?
Q: Oh, I was Amish.
A: Uh… huh.
Q: Yeah. I’m not anymore. Although I still like the beard.
A: Oh, it… looks good on you.

28 SepNo post.

As is now widely known to be truth, Apple will reveal its iPhone at January’s Macworld, setting the cell phone market on its ear (no pun intended) as it did before to the markets for personal computers, digital music and sex with robots.

Think Secret reports that the iPhone will be Cingular-only for the first six months and that Apple expects to sell 25 million in the first year.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site sources confirmed Think Secret’s report and also learned the following:

  • The iPhone will come in silver, black and white, but not brown because that’s stupid. I mean, who would do that? Brown’s a horrible color for an electronic device. You’d have to be an idiot to try to… OK, I think I’ve made my point.
  • The device will also function as an iPod, with the ability to download music wirelessly. Cingular has not set pricing for download time, but the words “charge them up the ass” were used in several company documents.
  • Several times during the development of this deal, Cingular pushed for there to be a little kitty that walked you through the interface. Apple at first declined politely but, when Cingular kept pushing it, had to yell “NO! There isn’t going to be a stupid kitty! That’s stupid! Your idea is stupid! You’re stupid!” Then there was an uncomfortable silence before Apple apologized and said maybe there could be a kitty in there somewhere.
  • For some reason the iPhone is actually going to be the size of car battery.
  • Neat feature: instead of ringtones, smelltones. “Sniff-sniff. Is that bacon?” “Oh! I have a call!”
  • Optional snap-on faceplates make your iPhone feel like buttah.
  • Innovative design of hardware and software that works together seamlessly means your iPhone won’t suck donkey dick like all the other phones you’ve had.

    In related news, Apple is also rumored to be getting into the market for other premium products, such as HD TVs, olive oil misters and those fancy paper things you put on turkey legs.
    Tonight was Apple source building night. There was beer and tequila and one Apple source stole a Red Bull from the waitress and then gave it back to her and we all had a good laugh.

    Ha-ha!

    Ahhhhhhhh…

    Uh, so…

    How was your night?

    27 SepiPhone Details Revealed.

    As is now widely known to be truth, Apple will reveal its iPhone at January’s Macworld, setting the cell phone market on its ear (no pun intended) as it did before to the markets for personal computers, digital music and sex with robots.

    Think Secret reports that the iPhone will be Cingular-only for the first six months and that Apple expects to sell 25 million in the first year.

    Crazy Apple Rumors Site sources confirmed Think Secret’s report and also learned the following:

    • The iPhone will come in silver, black and white, but not brown because that’s stupid. I mean, who would do that? Brown’s a horrible color for an electronic device. You’d have to be an idiot to try to… OK, I think I’ve made my point.
    • The device will also function as an iPod, with the ability to download music wirelessly. Cingular has not set pricing for download time, but the words “charge them up the ass” were used in several company documents.
    • Several times during the development of this deal, Cingular pushed for there to be a little kitty that walked you through the interface. Apple at first declined politely but, when Cingular kept pushing it, had to yell “NO! There isn’t going to be a stupid kitty! That’s stupid! Your idea is stupid! You’re stupid!” Then there was an uncomfortable silence before Apple apologized and said maybe there could be a kitty in there somewhere.
    • For some reason the iPhone is actually going to be the size of car battery.
    • Neat feature: instead of ringtones, smelltones. “Sniff-sniff. Is that bacon?” “Oh! I have a call!”
    • Optional snap-on faceplates make your iPhone feel like buttah.
    • Innovative design of hardware and software that works together seamlessly means your iPhone won’t suck donkey dick like all the other phones you’ve had.

      In related news, Apple is also rumored to be getting into the market for other premium products, such as HD TVs, olive oil misters and those fancy paper things you put on turkey legs.

      26 SepStories We're Not Working On.

      No story tonight as after a long, warm summer in Tacoma it’s time to clean the Crazy Apple Rumors Site barbecue grill and get it ready for winter. But here’s a list of stories we’re not working on. So don’t look forward to these stories in the future.

      Because we’re not working on them.

      • Phil Schiller Drops a Grand on Hockey Pucks.
      • Apple Opening Retail Store in Menasha Wisconsin in The Middle of a Row of Derelict Store Fronts.
      • George Ou Cuts Himself Shaving, Blames Apple.
      • iTV Motherboard Based On Something Vaguely Familiar But I Can’t Quite Place It… Is It Max Ehrmann’s “The Desiderata of Happiness”? No! It’s Langston Hughes’ Poem “Mother to Son”!
      • Brown Zune Kinda Smells Funny.
      • Jobs Fires Cat.

        They just didn’t seem worth it.

        25 SepApple Wireless Controversy Explained.

        After George Ou’s posting of Apple’s responses to his questions about the wireless controversy (aka, Security Bitch Watch), Ou followed up in the comments on his blog by claiming that Apple was lying.

        Evidently Ou’s sources at SecureWorks claim to have time-stamped data that proves they provided information to Apple – information Apple says they never received.

        But Crazy Apple Rumors Site was able to determine the cause of the entire controversy: Mail’s spam filtering.

        SecureWorks’ David Maynor sent numerous emails to Apple engineer John Vink which included packet captures, driver disassemblies, crash dumps, exploit code and a humorous MPEG of William Shatner singing “Rocket Man” with the subject line “Funny! ;-)”

        Sadly, Vink’s spam filter was set to move messages containing the word “dump” into his spam folder.

        “I… was getting some… gross… spam mail,” Vink said. “You don’t want to know.”

        Regardless, Vink said, the materials sent by SecureWorks did not indicate any flaws in OS X.

        “Yeah, turns out it’s Ubuntu. For some reason they thought we made Ubuntu. I just got off the phone with them. I told them we don’t. They said ‘Oh, really? Because it’s really nice so we just thought it was yours.’ But it’s not. We had a good laugh over it.”

        At ToorCon this weekend, SecureWorks is expected to express their desire to stick a lit cigarette into the eyes of Ubuntu enthusiasts.