October 2006 – Crazy Apple Rumors Site

Spooky Apple Rumors Site.

In honor of Halloween, Crazy Apple Rumors Site presents the following list of Apple terrors. This list is not for those under 17, pregnant women or elderly gentlemen with weak tickers.

The iPod battery… THAT WOULDN’T DIE! (AAAAAIIIEEEEE!)

The switcher… WHO JUST BITCHES AND BITCHES AND BITCHES ABOUT HOW MUCH BETTER IT WAS ON WINDOWS BUT WON’T SWITCH BACK! (NOOOOOOOOOO!)

The MacBook Pro… THAT BURNS THE LOINS! (ARRRRRRRRGGGG!)

The Microsoft-friendly blogger… WHO KNOWS WHAT APPLE MUST DO TO SURVIVE! (OH, NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!)

Dinner with… GEORGE OU! (BLEAAAAARRRRRRGGG!)

Three hours on a Sunday afternoon watching… A PRESENTATION AT YOUR LOCAL MUG ENTITLED “GETTING THE MOST OUT OF OS 9”! (WHY DON’T YOU FUCKING UPGRADE?!)
Steve Jobs… QUITS TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH HIS FAMILY! (AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!)

[shudder]

I don’t know about you, but I’m not sleeping tonight.

New Shuffles Delayed.

Apple’s new iPod shuffle – perhaps the sexiest of the iPods announced at the Showtime event – has been delayed past its promised October release.

While some sources have reported the shuffle will be available this weekend, Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that its ultimate release date is still uncertain.

The trouble began when Apple’s supplier for the shuffle revealed that it could not actually make them as small as it had promised.

Despite their repeated claims to have a shrink ray, the Hongfujin Precision Industry Co. facility charged with making the iPod shuffle was ultimately unable to deliver.

“Normally we really check into a supplier’s operational capabilities,” said Apple Senior Vice President of Operations Tim Cook. “But I figured… shrink ray… how hard is that?”

Now, Apple is left with several million shuffles that are five times the size they were promised to be.

Fortunately, the company is not without recourse. Thanks to a new engineering process, the Showtime shuffles are made of 100% cotton and have not been pre-shrunk.

Sources indicate that Apple employees worked overtime and spent the entire weekend laundering iPod shuffles in hot water and then running them repeatedly through the dryer.

“If that wool-based technology had worked out, they’d be even smaller,” Cook noted.

The shuffle’s delivery date is still uncertain as no one yet knows how many cycles it will take to get the devices down to size.

Other than Tim Cook and several sources who preferred not being identified, Apple declined to comment for this story.

Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I was having a lot of trouble with my iPod Shuffle so I downloaded Apple’s Shuffle Updater and installed it, but it’s still not working.
A: Were you having the power problem?
Q: No. I’ve got this Dell, see, and the USB ports on the front are recessed so I can’t get the damn thing to connect. And this update didn’t fix that at all!
A: Oh. Well, you probably haven’t installed it correctly.
Q: OK. How should I install it?
A: Well, don’t run the installer. Just take the installer file and drag it onto the Shuffle’s drive. Then put the Shuffle into the Dell’s USB port and just start kicking it until you get it to mount.
Q: You mean… kick it into the Dell…
A: Right. Kick the crap out of it.
Q: OK. OK. See, that’s exactly what Apple Care told me but I just didn’t believe them.
A: A brick will work, too.

Q: I ordered an iPod nano from the Apple Store and the box came today, but it wasn’t an iPod nano inside.
A: Oh! Was it a bar of soap?!
Q: What? No. What the hell are you talking about? It was this cool flat-panel cell phone thing that downloaded my music wirelessly and ran what appeared to be a “lite” version of OS X. It said “Prototype” on it.
A: Oh… oh, my god! Where is it?! Can I see it?!
Q: No. I sent it back.
A: You sent it back?! Why?!
Q: Well… it was brown.
A: Oh. Uh… yeah, OK, I could see that.

Q: My video iPod is on the fritz. It will only show my movies and TV shows on this tiny little 2.5-inch screen.
A: Uh, well, that’s pretty much the screen size of the video iPod.
Q: What? What kind of crap is that?! Crappy little 2.5-inch screen. That’s crap. How am I gonna get my freak on with a crappy little screen like that?
A: Your freak on? What show are you watching?
Q: I mean, there’s just no way for me to grind it like a monkey and still get home in time for dinner with a little screen like that, is there?
A: Well, I guess…
Q: I’ve gotta spank it with a paddle and make my salad spin like a Chester’s grandma at a ho-down!
A: Are we… talking about porn, or…
Q: DADDY NEEDS TO RUB CHEESE FONDU… ALL! OVER! HIS! BODY!
A: Uh… you know, I don’t really want to know anymore.

iPhone Looks Like Crap.

A disturbing report on what is clearly the upcoming iPhone leads to the incontrovertible conclusion that what many hoped would be the next flagship Apple product just looks like crap.

“What the hell is that?” asked the New York Times’ David Pogue. “What a fricking piece of crap!”

Pogue’s criticism was echoed by other analysts.

“Here I was thinking the iPhone was going to be this incredibly cool, slim device, said the Wall Street Journal’s Walt Mossberg.

“But this… this looks like a pack of smokes with a couple of buttons on it.”

Others attempted to explain away the appearance of the images in the patent application.

“Haven’t you ever seen those concept cars?” asked Wired’s Leander Kaheny. “Well, the finished product never looks like the concept.

“Of course… in that example the concept always looks better than the finished product. And this…

“Jesus, what a piece of crap.”

Apple declined to comment for this story, but did ask “What? You don’t like it?”

Jobs Announces Firefox 2.0

After its early release yesterday, Apple CEO Steve Jobs held a hasty press conference this morning to announce Firefox 2.0.

Which struck the technology world as unusual as Apple does not make Firefox.

“Firefox 2.0 is the best browser for the Mac, Jobs said. “And here’s why.

“It’s standards-driven, stable and faster than lightning. It’s my new browser of choice for OS X.”

Drawing nothing but blank, confused stares from the gathered members of the media, Jobs added “I went straight from Internet Explorer to Firefox.”

Jobs then denied ever having heard the word “Safari” before, including in its African context.

Listening to a webcast of Jobs’ presentation, lead Firefox developer Ben Goodger asked “What the hell is he talking about?”

Realization suddenly coming over Goodger’s face, he cried “Hey… hey… HEY! He… he’s stealing our project!”

Indeed, according to sources in the know, much as he did with the Macintosh over twenty years ago, Jobs is now attempting to steal Firefox.

“First there was Lisa and the Mac, now it’s Safari and Firefox,” said Andy Hertzfeld. “Well, you’ve got to give Steve credit. He knows a quality product.”

Hertzfeld then complained that Jobs stole his lunch once in June of 1983.

“It was a cheese sandwich on wheat with lettuce and sprouts,” Hertzfeld said angrily.

“I… I still think of that sandwich sometimes…”