You know, I’d feel bad about us not getting a post together tonight, but I know for a fact that you just come here for the comments anyway, so it’s no big deal.
Anyway, you’ve got the whole weekend ahead of you and a wad of cash in your sweaty little fist (which is all covered in Cheeto dust), so maybe you could dump a little of it on one of our fine advertisers.
There’s Rogue Amoeba. They make good stuff. Although Kafasis tried to kill me that one time.
Well, there’s also Delicious Monster. The things they can do with an iSight camera. Tell you what. Although Shipley did call me a… well, let’s just say he said I like to do something to dogs that I don’t. Totally. I mean… really. I don’t even know how that would work.
Anyway, that brings us to our new advertisers: Shiny White Box and Many Tricks. They also make boss software and so far neither of their CEOs has tried to kill me or accused me of being into bestiality.
Of course, we’ve only just met so…
I should probably give them some time.
…
Do you think Gruber has this kind of relationship with his advertisers?
I even forgot this was here. Sorry, TP. 🙁
I don’t think I have the stamina to catch up on 6 months worth of comments (some 1350 posts).
I would think of something witty, but I think the dog just barfed on the power strip. Gzzacx!!!
I just realized that you can rearrage “Moltz” to say “zlmot.”
I think there is great significance to that in terms of the whole possumpine/pumagranate interbreeding.
Think about it. Have you ever seen John Moltz and Britney Spears in the same room? I’m going to sell all of my nylon cable-ties, just as a precaution.
Okay Rip. You are king of the rhetorical non-sequitur.
And I am your food-taster. You probably shouldn’t eat that brown Jell-O.
Rip,
Why were you tying nylon?
Or was it that all your ties are made of nylon?
Or maybe you are a tie fisherman.
*Wanders off laughing hysterically*
Or maybe he is one of those terrible fish ties.
I think he was trying to use the “Moltz” to “zlmot” reference as a hint that we need to rearrange “nylon” to be “Lonny.” From there we can assume he has somebody named Lonny tied up in one of the tunnels.
Moltz and Britney are down there too and are going to be forced to “breed.” He is scared it will be too hard to keep his secret if he has too many people down there though, so he is planning on releasing Lonny.
If this is the case, which I’m sure it is, we must rescue Moltz and make Lonny breed instead.
MARK
Some of the tunnels around here have become congested during rush hour, so I’ve adapted the “tunnel within a tunnel” concept to add toll tunnels for people who wish to avoid the rabble for a premium. They simply pay me a modest fee for an encrypted file giving the daily password that lets them through the access hatches. Since the toll tunnels have transparent walls, those who buy a pass can make rude “loser!” gestures at the unwashed as they pass them on their commutes.
In a week or two I should be able to afford an iPhone.
Absolutely appalled by your acquisitive behaviour Ace, where’s our share?
Moltz already escaped through the “back” tunnel.
TGIF!
Ace, wait I thought we finally got the Trolls out of the tunnels? I’ll go get the iFlames…
Doc,
Is that a relation to the back passage?
Trolls get to use the toll tunnels for free, at least until the troll tunnels are completed. Strollers are out of luck.
Ace,
Need clarification.
Do trolls stroll free through troll tunnels are are they liable for grossly inflated troll tolls? Trolls get pretty violent when subjected to troll tolls.
Do troll toll tunnels go under cols?
Do no toll troll tunnels go under cols?
Can troll toll tunnels go over cols, as in snow protection tunnels?
Can no toll troll tunnels go over cols, as in snow protection tunnels?
Does any of this make sense?
If so, sorry.
Of course it doesn’t.
MARK
Ace, Rabble for a Premium is one of the selling points of the TP.
If one is strolling, but not pushing a stroller, is there a toll? What about the toll for a troll with a stroller? How much is the toll for droll strolling trolls taking polls?
Cole slaw?
Polar trolls stroll free. Bowling and foaling are prohibited, but the drunken elephants seem to do whatever they like. Also, avoid the bi-polar trolls, as they tend to roller-coaster.
Is it necessary to pay to get out of the tunnel?
What about a magic spell?
Or a magic word perhaps? I’ve been needing to use plugh or xyzzy for a while now, but just haven’t found a good use for them. (The links are for you youngsters who think I’m randomly pounding keys again. The rest of this post is random keystrokes, but those two words are correct.)
Bi-polar trolls? In which sense? Always scurrying between the Antarctic and the Arctic? Mood swings? Sexual preference? Now I’m too scared to go outside. Clarification urgently required. Or in telegramspeak, clariurgreq.
You do, and you clean it up!
Nxxx, all were correct. The Bi-polar trolls do scurry between the Artic and Antarctic, thus leading to the other problems, spending so much time traveling (in the newly renovated bi-polar tunnels) they tend to get depressed due to sexual frustration, so when they do come across another bi-polar troll, they don’t bother about gender, they just pound away, figuring they’ll hit it right often enough to propigate the species.
So would it be a bad idea to open the drain that prevents the ocean from flooding all the tunnels?
Umm… I need to know … and soon. Excuse me while I put my swimmies on.
My smack is gobbed.
Del posted that without any clothes on.
Oh dear, I’m blushing.
Sudden realisation, look out for bi-polar trolls whilst nude.
My life jacket is at the dry cleaners. Please don’t flood the tunnels until Wednesday if at all possible. And remember that the tunnels are clothing-optional now, so you don’t have to put on your swimmies unless you really want to.
Sir,
Remove post 1493 immediately or I shall be forced to institute proceedings against The Moltz Institute and the juvenile poster involved.
Although the ‘memsab and myself have been married for one hundred and thirty-two years, we have never encouraged nudity.
If God had meant us to be naked, he would not have given us clothes. It is attitudes like yours that break down decent society.
Disgusted Col Retd
Del,
News has spread over here regarding the Peloponnese being on fire.
You haven’t been playing around with iFlames and Ponies, have you?
According to the Internet Anagram Server, “Disgusted Col Retd” permutes to “Coddled Gutter Sis” and “Directed Slut Dogs,” so I think he’s much more salacious than he lets on.
He should be taken out at dawn and shot with a Hasselblad.
Maybe… The original plan was the flooded tunnels would put the fire out, but Ace asked me to wait until today.
YAY Commence tunnel flooding.
*activates one of the iPlugs that I stole from the GigaPost and put in one of the main water lines*
* BOOM *
PLASK! An orca just swamped my raft. Time to bail.
A porcuphant just gave a great white shark a mouth full of quills! I bet that’s never happened before.
Uh oh, here comes a school of tuna. I wish I had some kittens.
Well, the dikes are holding for now.
Oh, and 1500!
Guess we’ll need some iBlowers to dry the tunnels out, they’re supposed to be an optional attachment on the 08 version of Lesbian Ninja Sexbots.
Don’t call the Lesbian Ninja Sexbots dikes Doc. It makes them angry 😛
Where’s that water coming from?
The Atlantic has just dropped three feet, just under a metre, on this side.
Del, you haven’t blown the Mid Atlantic iPlug have you?
Maybe
*giggle*
I agree with the Col. If God had meant for us to be naked we would have been born that way.
Dammit.
P.S. We don’t say “Dikes” here. We say, “women in comfortable shoes.” Although if they’re holding something it would be nice to know what.
Thank you.
OMG! There are Gill People at the entrance of the tunnel nearest my house, waving tridents. They want me to take them to my leader. I explain that I live in the anarchist state of Ecotopia, and that we have no leader. That seems to throw them. They gurgle to each other for a minute, wave their webbed hands and shrug, then disappear under the water.
Watch out for these guys. It’s creepy the way the gasp in the air as if they’re drowning.
Ace,
This means we will all have to carry a filled aquarium.
Has anyone patented the iAquarium?
Only Andy Ihnatko, and he called it by a different name anyway.
Does anyone know how to mount an iFlame to a seahorse?
Will you be riding a gargantuan seahorse? Then I recommend a modified leather rifle scabbard for your saddle, and wear your swimmies.
If you are mounting a mini iFlame to a normal-sized seahorse, try superglue.
Good luck!
Stop this immediately!
Fitting iFlames to nice, quiet, cuddly creatures is wrong FULL STOP.
Fitting them to butterflies, bush babies and ladybirds is perfectly all right but not nice, cuddly seahorses.
BTW They taste good as well, raw.
Why would you eat an iFlame raw?
You have to eat them raw. If you try to cook them you ruin the delicate aroma. Also they’re best served with Perrier and fruit salad, in season.
Those were Gill People? They were *REAL*??? I saw them outside the other day, but I thought I had just taken to many drugs again. I mean come on, people with gills and tridents? I thought I had to be hallucinating again!
People with gills and tridents?!?!
I hope we’re not having another re-org at work. That sounds like a fresh bunch of middle managers if ever there were middle managers.
Now I’m scared.
It has all come together in a flash of blinding inspiration. (General advice, do not inspire during flashes as you are likely to expire.)
Del has blown the Mid Atlantic iPlug. Gill People with Tridents.
Del is draining the Atlantic to return to her home, Atlantis.
Run, or swim, for your lives.
Nxxx, I must conclude that you are by nature a conspiracy theorist. The preponderance of evidence shows that you are seeking and finding reason and rhyme (and agendas) in the turbulent ferment of our modern world.
But I must tell you there is no sense. It’s all random, all happenstance. I know this because when I voted for one candidate, the other was elected.
Since effect does not follow cause, we must abandon all hope of understanding, and surrender to chaos.
Unless I’m mistaken… nah.
Ace,
Are you suggesting I’m paranoid? Stop picking on me like all the rest. All I want is a quiet life and Jennifer Connolly and Nicole Kidman and light relief with John Moltz (wish I hadn’t typed that) and Amy Winehouse (really wish I hadn’t typed that) and you are getting me all confused because you hate me………………..going to sit in the corner, face to the wall and weep piteously for the rest of the day.
Which way to Atlantis? I think I made a wrong turn in the Albuquerque tunnel.
SEE!
I was right.
Ace, I graciously accept your withdrawal (wish I hadn’t typed that) and apology.