You know, I’d feel bad about us not getting a post together tonight, but I know for a fact that you just come here for the comments anyway, so it’s no big deal.
Anyway, you’ve got the whole weekend ahead of you and a wad of cash in your sweaty little fist (which is all covered in Cheeto dust), so maybe you could dump a little of it on one of our fine advertisers.
There’s Rogue Amoeba. They make good stuff. Although Kafasis tried to kill me that one time.
Well, there’s also Delicious Monster. The things they can do with an iSight camera. Tell you what. Although Shipley did call me a… well, let’s just say he said I like to do something to dogs that I don’t. Totally. I mean… really. I don’t even know how that would work.
Anyway, that brings us to our new advertisers: Shiny White Box and Many Tricks. They also make boss software and so far neither of their CEOs has tried to kill me or accused me of being into bestiality.
Of course, we’ve only just met so…
I should probably give them some time.
…
Do you think Gruber has this kind of relationship with his advertisers?
Um no… are you not listening…
THE anthrax rocks 😛
Although I’ve never had the anthrax, I have had the flu.
Not to mention the cold, the pinkeye, the broken thumb, the allergies, and the hallucinations. Some day I hope to get the shakes, the heebie-jeebies, and the stage fright.
¡No comprendo!
The Anthrax does rock. Efilnikufesin (N.F.L.) is of course their best work.
The lead actor has had an accident. Is there a lawyer in the house?
Del,
Have an urgent need for hydrophobic fish. My Saturday and Sunday morning practice sessions take place in the community centre to avoid waking the rest of the residents up. When I go to carry out a blow job on the sax, i have to feed the fishes in their aquarium. Owing to a lack of water the silly creatures cannot traverse the small gap from their tank to the food canister.
If they were hydrophobic and could be fitted with either hummingbird or hovering butterfly wings, they could feed themselves and the rest would never notice , as I intend to paint bubble streams on the glass. Whether you fit lungs or spiracles, do not really care. Probably five minutes work for one so talented.
BTW co-founded the Folk Group Anthrax back in the early sixties but had nothing to do with the Brit rock band. Unfortunate, as they made money, we didn’t.
Your blog regarding Nothing. Nadda. Zip. Zilch. looks very interesting to me. I found it doing a search for fine line reduce wrinkle.
And they said you’d never return.
Procrastination hot line. Leave a message. We’ll get back to you. Probably tomorrow.
Nxxx,
Found a better solution to your problem. You should get a grizzly bear/kingfisher cross in the mail any day now. Those fish will be a worry of the past.
Airplane? Surely you can’t be serious.
I am serious, and stop calling me Shirley.
BEST. MOVIE. EVER.
Don’t think I’d go so far as to call the Anthrax the best rock band ever, but I did enjoy a few of their albums.
As for procrastination, you can do that tomorrow.
Maybe that’s enough for today. Maybe not, we’ll see later.
The people in the Procrasti Nation need our help now, that’s what’s wrong with this world. People always putting things off for later. The Procrasti may not be around tomorrow. How would you feel if that happened? Let’s organize relief for them, how about a week from next Thurday for a planning meeting, if we can’t do it then how about some time in early October?Ä
Hey! I was gonna do that. Hold on a minute. I’ll be right with you. I need my other shoes.
It’s on my to-do list!
Just to remind you, tomorrow, the 19th is officially Talk like a Pirate Day.
YAY TLAPD!
Arrr, the last time out on the water, me got seasick. Gar.
Just for you on talk like a pirate day, I’m renting parrots for $10 a pop. They come in red , green and blue–five bucks more for the talking sort.
Damn! I feel really special now, My birthday coincides with Talk like a Pirate Day, I better get in some practice. Aarrgh!…. oh WTF!, I’ll work on it tomorrow,… in memory of all the Procrasti that met their doom today.®
I have to talk like a Pirate for the next two frigging months. I am a Pirate in an upcoming production of Peter Pan.
Really.
So tomorrow I’m NOT going to talk like a pirate. Tomorrow I’m going to talk like a frustrated middle manager with high cholesterol, kids in college, and overextended credit cards.
Argh.
Arrrr, Ace you lilly-livered-scupper-scum, this dyed chicken thou ired me, keeps crapping on me shoulder. Gi’ me me pieces o’ eight back or oi’ll slit ye scurvy gizzard. Me bloody beard’s itching ha har.
Belay yer foul epithets, mate! Ye paid w’ counterfeit doubloons, an’ ’tis the plank fer yer like!
Arrr! Nxxx, belay that scurvey bellowing, yar bird be alive, the fowl Ace burdended me wit be dead I say!!! (the fowl has a foul stench me thinks, and be stiff too!)
All together mw hearties
What shall we do with the dead dyed chicken
What shall we do with the dead dyed chicken
What shall we do with the dead dyed chicken
At ten to three in the afternoon British Summertime, around six bells after noon Arrr.
We’re going to slit Ace Deuce’s gizzard
well you got the idea mateys
Arrrgghhhh me hearties. I be dressing the sexbots as wenches and hot female pirates for TLAPD. The jacuzzi will be filled with Grog. Don’t worry their will be plenty of booty to go around.
When a pirate be textin’: R
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
The lyrics for TLAPD’s official song. You can get the song for free from: http://www.tomsmithonline.com/dl.htm
I could go on for a long time about this song, but I think we’ll cut it down to one word.
Arrr.
Most days are like all of the others,
Go to work, come back home, watch TV,
But, brother, if I had me druthers,
I’d chuck it and head out to sea,
For I dream of the skull and the crossbones,
I dream of the great day to come,
When I dump the mundane for the Old Spanish Main
And trade me computer for rum! ARRR!
T’ me,
Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho,
It’s “Talk Like A Pirate” Day!
When laptops are benches God gave us fer wenches,
And a sail ain’t a low price ta pay!
When timbers are shivered and lillies are livered
And every last buckle is swashed,
We’ll abandon our cars for a shipfull of ARRRs
And pound back the grog till we’re sloshed! Yo ho….
Don’t pick up yer phone and say “Hello,
Our ten-o-clock meeting’s delayed”,
Ye scrunch up yer face and ye bellow,
“AVAST! Ye’ve been bleedin’ BELAYED!”
Ye can’t keep this fun to yerself, I bet,
So sing “Aye!” “ARRR!” “Ayy!” every man!
We ain’t got much grasp of the alphabet,
But a damn good retirement plan!
T’ me,
Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho,
It’s “Talk Like A Pirate” Day!
Whatever’s in fashion is in for a thrashin’
And bein’ polite is passe!
When it’s ev’ry man’s duty to grab his proud beauty
And let out a hearty YO HO!
And if this offends you, hold y’r breath as we sends you
Ta Davy Jones’ Locker ya go! Yo ho….
We’ll tell every banker “Heave to and weigh anchor!”
Buy latte with pieces of eight
We’ll fight to be chosen as cap’n or bosun
The loser, o’ course, is worst mate!
When we hoist Jolly Roger, the landlubbers dodge ‘er,
We fill ’em with loathing and fear,
We’ll plunder and pillage each city and village,
Or at least clean out Wal-Mart of beer!
There ain’t no computin’ or morning commutin’,
No “Parking Lot Full” signs for me,
No lawns ta be mowin’ or bills to be owin’,
I’m knowin’ the pull of the sea.
The fresh salty brace of the wind on my face
Through hurricane, sunshine or squalls,
I’m keepin’ my eyes on the distant horizon,
Verizon can hold all my calls!
To wear a red coat full o’ buckles,
To earn a few duelling scars,
Well, at least we can get a few chuckles
By filling the office with ARRRs!
And maybe we’ll never get closer,
Than watchin’ ’em on the big screen,
So here’s to old Errol and Depp as Jack Sparrow,
And every damn one in between!
T’ me,
Yo, Ho, Yo, Ho,
It’s “Talk Like A Pirate” Day!
That time in September when sea dogs remember
That grown-ups still know how ta play!
When wenches are curvy and dogs are all scurvy
And a soft-wear patch covers your eye,
Ta hell with our jobs, for one day we’re all swabs
And buccaneers all till we die!
So hoist up the mainsils and shut down your brain cells,
They only would get in the way,
Avast there, me hearty, we’re havin’ a party,
It’s “Talk… Like… A Pirate” Day!
Yo. Ho. Ho.
Ho. Yo-yo.
(And a rottle of bum.)
Whoa!
I didn’t even look at the number; we’re up to 1600 [already/finally]!
Del,
The Grizzly Bear/Kingfisher cross doesn’t work, workwise. I am now in possession of an enormous bear, covered with iridescent Kingfisher feathers, that spends the day either in the bath or in front of the mirror, arranging its plumage. It only eats birdseed, nine kilogrammes a day. Somewhere along the line, there is a genetic link to parrot/mynah/hornbill as it speaks, “Who’s a pretty boy?” is extremely off putting in a vocal range that makes Paul Robeson sound like a boy treble.
Suggestions please.
Sounds like you may have a successor to Elton John. Can he carry a tune?
Alright who is screwing up the labels on my genetic material again?
Someone has been switching the labels and screwed up my Grizfisher. Now it’s just a Parrzly. Who would buy a Parrzly?
Oh.. There may be another problem… I had be working on several volatile specimens that should be breaking out of their genetic specimen growth spheres any day now. Since the labels were mixed up on my vials we’ve got no clue what could be coming out.
So it’s like Christmas in September! But don’t be picking up and shaking the spheres as the specimens might get agitated.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Heaven forefend, a flying Grizzly.
Del, the spheres sound like great Christmas presents, just slip a few into suspended animation pods and ship them to some close personal friends with the timer on the pods set to release at say… 5:00 am December 25th at their local time.
Damn! that was a long sentence, I’m tired! Think I’ll fall out for a few days.
Alex, I’ll take the bottle of valium for a good weekend’s sleep.b
Just say no to flying grizzlies. The fallout could be catastrophic.
I recommend the tofu fritters with arugula garnà and steak fries.
I just heard about a newly married Chinese-American couple, both virgins with no idea how to proceed on their honeymoon. Based only on vague recollections of conversations with friends, she says, “I think I would like number 69.”
He looks puzzled and replies, “You want steamed chicken with vegetables?”
Steamed chicken with vegetables? Now that’s kinky!
Can I get that with Tofu instead of chicken?
That’s number 42, not 69. Are your kittens vegetarian now?
Crawdaddy, get back to the main post where you belong!
Del, number 70 has Tofurkey instead of chicken. Also, I recommend the pancakes with green onion. And a Dark ‘n’ Stormy.
My entries keep getting lost.
Well that one got through, so I’ll try again.
Del,
Some good news, maybe………..
The Grizzfish started to moult and when totally featherless bore an extremely close resemblance to our head honcho. The security boys asked could they have him as a decoy and as he just sat in front of the mirror all day asking “Who’s an ugly boy then?”, I asked him was he interested. He was and you should be proud as he addressed the party conference today/
Haa Haa CARS thinks you are spam!
It thought I was spam for a while and then I got declared not spam. Which is good because I don’ think I’m a canned precooked meat product.
I had chinese for lunch today. I got something off the Cantonese menu so it didn’t have a number 🙁
It was Tofu Balls in a Special Sauce. I didn’t know Tofu had balls and I was worried about the “special” sauce, but it was pretty good. Much better than the Fuk Ken noodles. Plus I didn’t giggle as much when I ordered.
Interesting concept. The Grizzfish Moultz? Do you eat any other parts of the tofu? Are you sure it didn’t have a number, or did you just get the wong number? Ba da boom. Tssss.
I should have been in bed by now. When I can’t even keep up in the tera post, I’m toast.
Mmm, toast!
They serve that at Tofu Bell.
But making tunnels out of either toast or tofu spells trouble!
Tunnels.
Since Del flooded them a while back I’ve been avoiding them. Are they dry yet? I hate slippery tunnels.
We can flood them with alcohol Ace to make sure they are dry.