Month: February 2007

Apple and Cisco Settle.

Apple and Cisco announced late today that they had reached an agreement over the use of the iPhone trademark.

According to the terms of the deal, both companies get to use the “iPhone” name on their products and the firms will “explore new opportunities to work together”.

Sources tell Crazy Apple Rumors Site that the deal has numerous interesting clauses, including the following:

  • Apple gets to the use the iPhone trademark on Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and every other weekend. Cisco gets it the other days. This arrangement will be renegotiated when the iPhone trademark goes off to boarding school.
  • Apple may declare the contract invalid if Cisco uses the word “irregardless”* in a non-ironic context.
  • Cisco may invoke an escape clause at any time by yelling the “safe word”, which is “banana”.
  • Apple is allowed to name products with any arrangement of the letters in “iPhone”. Look for the Apple Phonie coming soon.
  • Apple is allowed to roll its eyes anytime anyone mentions the partnership with Cisco and say things like “Pff. Cisco. Don’t get me started on that bitch.”
  • Cisco gets to say it contributed technology to at least three Apple products a year, even if it isn’t true.
  • To demonstrate their continued commitment, representatives from both companies must meet every year at a large flat rock on the top of Mt. Ararat and reenact the final scene from the 1995 New Port Richie FL Dinner Theater production of A Streetcar Named Desire – staring Joe Piscopo and Cyndi Lauper – using marionettes.
  • Cisco must Photoshop back in the Apple logo on the laptop being used by the guy on the company’s home page.

Apple declined to comment for this story, but Cisco, frankly, wouldn’t shut up about it.

“Ooh, did you see we settled? Ooh, yeah. Well, we totally owned that trademark. Totally. We had big plans for it. Whole “iPone” line. It was gonna be…

“Wait, did I say ‘iPone’? Ha-ha! Really?! I did?! I meant ‘iPhone’! Ha-ha! Oh, boy! I mean, of course, ‘iPhone’. What… what else would it have been? ‘iPhone’! Ha-ha!”

* The first person in comments who says “irregardless” is a word because it’s in the dictionary gets banned.

Awesome Review Overshadows Product.

The release of Apple’s new Airport Extreme Base Station has prompted a plethora of rave reviews.

Strangely, however, all the raves are not for the product itself, but for a review of the product.

Yes, the reviews are in and Glenn Fleishman’s review is as thrilling a review as you’ll read in the set that is reviews of the Aiport Extreme Base Station.

Review reviewers from John Gruber to Mark Frauenfelder have declared Fleishman’s review is better than the product itself.

“This is the review of the Airport Extreme Base Station,” raved Gruber. “Thou shalt take no other reviews before this.

“Check out this bit: ‘Apple just needs to step up to the plate and add gigabit Ethernet to fulfill this speed demon’s full potential.’ Oh, snap! You got served, Apple!”

The pure awesomeness of the review has caused some confusion.

“When I read Fleishman’s awesome review, I thought, wow, this might just be better than sliced bread – better than 10 toasters full of sliced bread,” said Noah Eklestein, an AirPort Extreme Base Station buyer at a suburban Virginia Apple Store.

“But when I got it home and plugged it in, I was really disappointed. Eventually, I realized it was the review I was so excited about. Not the base station.”

The prolific Fleishman was predictably humble about the rave reviews for his review.

“It does seem that many people were interested in my review, for which I am very grateful,” Fleishman said. “It was a little weird when I noticed there were people standing outside of my house with their Airport Extreme Base Stations asking me to sign them. I didn’t make the Airport Extreme Base Station or anything. I just reviewed it. Albeit quite brilliantly.”

Fleishman has also been fielding requests from several Hollywood studios seeking the rights to make the review into a full-length feature movie.

“If such a deal can be constructed so that it’s amenable to both sides, I would be interested, but I will insist that I retain full creative control. I’d hate to see my review turned into some piece of crap buddy film with Owen Wilson and Bernie Mac.

“I’m thinking, oh, I don’t know, maybe Kevin Spacey could play me reviewing the Airport Extreme Base Station. If he’s available. If not, maybe Ed Harris. He’s good. I’d love to see Paul Giamatti play the Airport Extreme Base Station, but I’m somewhat flexible on actors.”

Fleishman said his one non-negotiable point is that it be directed by Christopher Nolan.

“I think only the taut suspense of, say, Memento could do justice to my review of the Airport Extreme Base Station.”

When asked to comment, Apple refused to stay on the subject of the review and kept trying to talk about some product called the Aiport Extreme Base Station.

Apple and Cisco in Talks on iPhone Trademark.

[Technical Note: The site had some “issues” last night so there was no Thursday post. To make it up to you, please accept this post which has been upgraded from “regular recipe” to “extra crispy” and comes with a free soda that you can collect at the Dell Direct Store in your local mall. If they don’t seem to know what you’re talking about, just keep demanding your free soda louder and louder until you get it. Or until mall security arrives.]

Apple and Cisco are reportedly in late talks attempting to salvage a deal on the iPhone trademark before the matter heads to court.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site has a transcript of the latest meeting that provides a heady look into the head-to-head negotiations between these two technology powerhouses.

APPLE: I have been forced to succumb to your childish attempts to get my attention and I now bring an offer I believe you cannot refuse.

CISCO: Unlikely, as your past entreaties have been as meaningless to my senses as the collected works of Rob Schneider. But speak.

APPLE: Hear now my words and witness your own undoing. $750,000, lunch at the fast-food establishment of your choice and the original cloak and blaster from a 1981 Star Wars Jawa collectible action figure. I know you have the action figure but are missing the cloak and blaster! Ah-ha! I have you!

CISCO: Ha! Again we see that there is nothing you have that I want, whereas something precious to you is in my possession. For I traded the Jawa for a cloak and lightsaber for my Luke Skywalker action figure last week!

APPLE: Blast! That would explain why Google approached me on Monday about the Jawa cloak and blaster.

CISCO: Well, if our business is at an end here…

APPLE: No! Wait.

CISCO: Ah, you have more shiny baubles to dangle before me, as if I were some country bumpkin fresh to the big city?

APPLE: Mock if you will, but consider this: $1,000,000, a case of Mickey’s Big Mouths and an original Major Matt Mason action figure, with his internal wires all still intact! Now, give me the iPhone trademark!

CISCO: Does he still have his helmet? And is there any paint chipping?

APPLE: He does have his helmet but there is some light chipping around the buttocks.

CISCO: Unacceptable. Clearly this means more to you than it does to me. You must do better.

APPLE: Very well. I have saved the best for last. $1,500,000, a huge bucket of delicious kettle corn and a 1978 issue of the Space: 1999 comic book pencilled by none other than the legendary John Byrne! Bagged and boarded! Let’s make a deal!

CISCO: Mmm. No. No. Byrne’s work has not aged well as the influence of Japanese anime has improved the medium. I grow tired of these discussions and wish to watch Adult Swim.

APPLE: No! It is I who grow tired and wish to retire to my fainting couch and have my feet massaged by bisexual Thai handmaidens!

CISCO: Ooh! I want that, too! And Adult Swim!

APPLE: Well, at least on this we agree.

CISCO: But I still don’t want you to use “iPhone”.

APPLE: Damn you to hell!

CISCO: Ha-ha! I’m the anthropomorphization of a soulless commercial and legal construct known as the corporation! I hardly think that’s going to happen!

APPLE: Still, your torments will be long and painful, wherever they are carried out.

CISCO: Oh, you say that to everyone who sues you.

APPLE: [sigh] Perhaps.

CISCO: Hmm. Well… let me see the Major Matt Mason.

APPLE: I… don’t have him on me…

CISCO: Oh, come on! It’s like you’re not even trying!

Apple and Cisco were reportedly last seen at a Shakey’s, arguing over what toppings to get on a pizza they were splitting.

Analysts Fear Jobs "Distracted".

Despite repeated claims that the Apple options scandal is distracting CEO Steve Jobs, sources close to him indicate that nothing could be further from the truth.

“Were that the case, said one source, “Were Steve to be so easily distracted, there are hundreds of other things that would have distracted the hell out of him prior to this.”

Crazy Apple Rumors Site has compiled the following list of the things that could be distracting Jobs, but are not because of his steely resolve, ability to focus like a laser beam and special boxer-briefs that give him an electric shock every time his mind wanders.

  • The almost rhythmic oscillation of Peter Oppenheimer’s doughy jowls when he talks.
  • Long-term project to determine the largest prime number using nothing but the Calculator app.
  • The chafing when his Brazilian wax starts growing out.
  • Prepping for the upcoming draft in the Apple fantasy baseball league.
  • The ass on that half-Japanese chick in accounting.
  • Putting the final touches on his grand Unification Theory.
  • Figuring out how they manage to dehydrate 8 ounces of pineapple to a weight of 1.5 ounces. It has something to do with removing the water… Think, dammit, Steve, think!
  • Own executive distraction team consisting of Bill Gates, Michael Dell, Rob Enderle and Kato from the Pink Panther movies.
  • That damn Guns N’ Roses the government keeps blasting in between entreaties to surrender.
  • Do the writers of “Lost” know where they’re going or are they just making it up as they go?
  • Why do they call it a nickel when it isn’t made of nickel?
  • Why do the boys in R&D only seem to be able to build male sexbots and why are they always playing the Dave Matthews Band really loud down there?
  • Asking self, “When I’m driving, why does the moon keep following me?”
  • Initiating letter writing campaign to the folks at Nestlé asking why they can’t make a decent vegetarian Hot Pocket. I mean, how fricking hard should that be?!
  • His torrid affair with Oprah Winfrey friend Gayle King.
  • Sleep, Restart, Shut Down? Sleep, Restart, Shut Down! SLEEP, RESTART, SHUT DOWN?!!!
  • President of Bolivia. That does sound nice…
  • Making sure the upcoming Apple Rubber Chicken is designed juuust riiight.
  • The free Wednesday waffle bar at Caffe Macs.
  • His long-term program to tag-and-release every squirrel on the Apple campus (rudely interrupted from 1985-1997).
  • Trying to figure out how to safely remove that deer tick the size of a grapefruit that’s attached to his back.
  • Leafing through the latest edition of Gentlemen’s Mock Turtleneck and Jeans Quarterly and wondering – again – when they’re going to interview him.
  • All those Cup-O-Puddins just sitting there in his mini-fridge waiting to be eaten.
  • The damn Wii that Joz put in the conference room.
  • Trying to identify that funky smell in his Mercedes. Is it an old yogurt cup under the seat? What the hell is that?
  • The time it’s taking to “mark his territory” on the award money that Apple has to pay those rumor sites before it gets sent out.
  • Finally being able to fully indulge his fetish for diapered astronauts online.
  • Looking for the “wow,” which is somewhere in “the social”… or… uh…
  • Drawing hilariously obtuse schematics for nonexistent products to leak to the rumor sites.
  • Gazing at pictures of Chris Breen’s luxurious hair.
  • Driving around trying to find a place to bury all those dead hookers in the back of his van.

Apple declined to comment officially for this story but did say “Dead hookers? Really?”

Zune Phone To Also Suck.

The technology world was rocked yesterday as news leaked that Microsoft is planning a Zune phone.

Today, as details of the Zune phone began to leak on the Internet, analysts quickly came to the conclusion that the Zune phone would suck as badly as the Zune itself.

According to sources, in another moment of Microsoft marketing genius, the Zune phone will be called the “Zellular Phone Call”.

“As ‘tune’ is to ‘Zune’,” explained blogger Robert Scoble, “‘Cellular phone call’ is to ‘Zellular Phone Call’. See, it’s all about the user scenario. In this case, making a zellular phone call.

“Oops! I mean ‘cellular’. Although, it’s quite possible that everyone will start calling them ‘zellular phone calls’ once the Zellular Phone Call takes off.

“And there I mean the Zune phone.

“Uh… it’s, um… well… uh…”

Scoble also said that if you add a “z” to the front of anything, it automatically becomes cool, edgy and hip, and it totally doesn’t suck.

People who are actually cool, edgy and hip, however, say that Scoble is wrong.

“No, that totally sucks,” said 43Folders.com‘s Merlin Mann. “And it also just doesn’t make any sense.”

Beyond just the name, however, sources indicate that the Zellular Phone Call will have certain limitations inherited from the Zune platform.

For example, all calls will be wrapped in Microsoft’s DRM and the end-user license agreement will state that the contents of each call will be the property of Microsoft in perpetuity. Also, the Zellular Phone Call will only allow you to call someone three times. After that, every time you try to call that person you will hear a recording of a representative of the Recording Industry Association of America calling you a thief and yelling obscenities and threats at you.

Despite these serious drawbacks, Microsoft apologists continued to insist that the Zellular Phone Call was an “iPhone killer”.

“The Zellular Phone Call is an iPhone killer,” said Rob Enderle of the Enderle Group.

This comment was followed by a long pause as reporters waited for some sort of support for this contention.

“Uh, I got nothing after that. Usually that’s enough to get me quoted.”

Apple declined to comment for this story.

“Hey, it worked again!” exclaimed Enderle.