Month: February 2007

Apple Drops Pudding Rights Management.

In a sure sign that CEO Steve Jobs was serious in his challenge to the recording industry to drop digital right management (DRM) from digitally delivered music, Apple today dropped pudding rights management (PRM) from its iPudd Store.

While it is not generally known to many Mac users, Apple owns the distribution of pudding to your local grocer through its patented “pudding over IP” technology.

In in late 2005, in a rare move in the vertical market space and after some false starts, Apple created a codec that enables pudding to be compressed into a digital format for transmission over the Internet to a designated purchaser, revolutionizing the pudding industry.

“The pudding industry had long dreamed of transmission of pudding over the Internet,” said the Wall Street Journal’s Walt Mossberg. “The problem always came down to how to properly protect pudding assets. You don’t want pudding that’s supposed to go to a Safeway in Seattle spraying out of some kid’s speakers in Larchmont, NY.”

But starting today, with the consent of pudding manufacturers, downloads from Apple’s iPudd Store will be PRM-free, despite some concerns.

While this may seem to only affect the market for creamy deliciousness, analysts believe it is yet another shot across the bow of the recording industry.

“If Apple is willing to free pudding, it must also be willing to free music,” said Jupiter Research’s David Card.

“Uh…

“Did I really say that out loud?”

Pudding futures were down in late trading today on the Chicago commodities exchange.

Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I read recently that Apple had issued an enabler for 802.11n and I was wondering how I go about downloading and installing that.

A: Oh, you don’t want to do that.

Q: What? Why not?

A: Well, look, it’s one thing to be 802.11n. It’s another thing to be an 802.11n enabler.

Q: Ooh. Gosh. I hadn’t thought of that. I feel just terrible.

A: Yeah, I mean, it’s one thing for you to decide that you’re going to experiment with something that doesn’t even have a final spec, but to enable your Mac to get into the dangerous 802.11n lifestyle…

Q: I’m sorry! I didn’t think… Wait. What the hell are we talking about?

A: We’re talking about you and what a terrible, terrible person you are.

Q: All I wanted was a faster wireless network!

A: Pervert.

Q: I am not a… Well, OK, I am, but that’s got nothing to do with this!

Q: I was trying to install some RAM in my Mac Pro and, well, I kind of went a little crazy.

A: Oh. You mean you maxed it out?

Q: Oh, I maxed it out. I maxed the hell out of it.

A: Ooh! 16 GB?!

Q: Yeah. And then I got out the soldering iron!

A: You… what?

Q: I got some solder and I soldered a whole crap load more on top of it!

A: Huh?

Q: Yeah! So, I’ve got 64 GB, but the problem is I can’t access it all.

A: Uh, well, yeah, that’s because it won’t take more than 16 GB.

Q: What? Sure it will. You just have to get out the soldering iron and…

A: No. Look, you can solder it all day long and…

Q: Actually, it took me a couple of days.

A: …you won’t be able to access any more than 16 GB.

Q: Mmm. No. I think you’re wrong. I think I just need some more solder.

A: Well, you give that a try and let me know how that works out.

Q: Oh, hey, do you know where I can buy solder by the pound?

A: Nnno.

Q: I got a new iMac few weeks ago and I’m trying to do some web development work on it but I’m having trouble configuring MAMP.

A: OK. Where are you hung up?

Q: Well, I have Apache set up. And I have MySQL configured and running. And I have PHP running. It’s just that I can’t seem to get the Old High Latin language XML running.

A: The what?

Q: But that’s not really crucial. What I really want to dig into is diagonal class inheritance.

A: Diagonal class inheritance?

Q: Yeah! When you’re coding you can inherit from the parent class or the one next to it! Or any class diagonal to the one you’re coding!

A: What? I’m… pretty sure that’s not right.

Q: Sure it is. Oh, and I really think I could leverage the option to compile packages with pretty bows.

A: Uh… you’re not really a programmer, are you?

Q: I like pretty bows.

A: Of course you do.

Apple Buys Norway.

Frustrated in its attempts to defuse the legal struggle with Norway over opening its FairPlay digital rights management system, Apple purchased the entire country today from King Harald V for cash and stock.

Apple took immediate possession of the Scandinavian country and reversed its position on the legality of iTunes. CEO Steve Jobs then issued a statement to its citizens.

“To the Norwegian people I would say this. I know you are a proud people… headstrong… steadfast… and that you have a strong sense of your own nationality. Naturally, you will be somewhat skeptical of my rule.

“That’s why you’re all fired.

“That’s right, Jobs continued, speaking through an interpreter, “Pack your things and get out of my country by noon tomorrow. There’s really only room for one proud and headstrong person in this relationship. And lord knows I’ve tried to change…

“Well, not really, but…”

Jobs indicated that in order to keep Norway a vibrant tourist destination, the country would be populated by animatronic characters made by the Disney Corporation.

“We’ve already got a bunch of those Scandinavian kids in ‘It’s A Small World’,” said Disney CEO Bob Iger. “And I think the adults just look like blonde pirates, right?

“Well, whatever. We’re using pirates. We’ve got a crapload of pirates lying around.”

Apple is reportedly also looking into purchasing the Netherlands, Sweden, Finland and France, if anyone knows how it can get a good deal on them.

PC Kills Mac.

In a tragic climax to the “Get a Mac” ad series, authorities say that earlier today PC, pushed beyond the breaking point, allegedly killed Mac shortly after the taping of the latest spot.

The spot reportedly centered around more of PC’s inadequacies while highlighting the many benefits of Mac, driving PC into a final fit of murderous, jealousy-fueled rage.

According to sources present, PC fled the scene in a white Ford Bronco driven by Windows.

Windows spoke to pursuing authorities using a Windows Mobile phone.

“This is Vista,” Windows said. “I’ve got PC in the back. Back off or he’s gonna reformat himself!

“What? Who is this?! You know who this is, dammit!”

PC was apprehended just outside a CompUSA where it apparently had hoped to get lost in a crowd of other PCs. Authorities were tipped off, however, when Vista’s security system loudly asked “YOU ARE ATTEMPTING TO FLEE POLICE ON FOOT. CANCEL OR ALLOW?”

In a final irony, PC was booked without a mug shot as the digital camera the police used experienced a driver conflict.

Legal experts say that since the Mac is still just a computer, PC can at worst only face charges of property damage. Further, sources say Apple is considering continuing the ad campaign as it can easily replace Mac with another Mac that looks just like it.