Archive for June, 2007

30 JunWelcome to Macintosh

I was lucky enough to be interviewed several weeks ago for this upcoming documentary (and, if they’re as smart as they seemed, I’ll get left on the editing room floor with the footage of Rob Enderle). Now you can now check out the trailer on You Tube.

The filmmakers are Mac users (aren’t all filmmakers?) and seemed really genuine in their desire to accurately portray the Mac-using community. Looks like good stuff.

29 JuniPhone Eve Special Coverage!

MOLTZ: Good evening and happy iPhone Eve everyone! We’ll have a special report from the scene of an AT&T store and some hands-on iPhone reviews! Yes, we’ve got an big night planned for you but first, I’m here in the CARS offices with Ugluk. And here with us is random Apple fan Dan Webber from Olympia.

WEBBER: Hello.

MOLTZ: Now, Dan, you’re something of an anomaly as you say you have absolutely no interest in buying an iPhone, is that right?

WEBBER: That’s right.

MOLTZ: OK, well, we’re going to be getting Dan drunk over the course of the evening and seeing how long it takes him to change his mind.

WEBBER: Well, that’s fine, but I assure you I don’t need an iPhone no matter what my state of inebriation is.

MOLTZ: Yeah, OK, well, Ugluk will start pouring the drinks while we go to Chet MacGruder who’s down at the AT&T store. Chet, can you tell me what it’s like down there?

MACGRUDER: Oh, my god! It’s horrible! They’re everywhere! They’re clawing at me and scrambling all over my body! Somebody call the police!

MOLTZ: Oh, no. Ladies and gentlemen it sounds like we’ve got some sort of stampede of customers down at the Tacoma AT&T store trying to get iPhones…

MACGRUDER: No, no! I didn’t make it to the store! I’m three blocks away and I’m being attacked by wolverines! Aaaagh! Send someone to help me!

MOLTZ: What?

MACGRUDER: Help me! Their teeth are rending my flesh!

MOLTZ: How did you get attacked by wolverines? There aren’t any wolverines around here.

MACGRUDER: I don’t know! They just followed me off the bus! Aaaagh! My leg!

MOLTZ: [sigh] Howard, would you go down there and rescue Chet?

HOWARD: Well… I’m kind of in the middle of this sudoku.

MACGRUDER: Aaaaiiiiii!

MOLTZ: Eh, I’ll get him later. Let’s check in with Ugluk. How’s it going?

UGLUK: He have three crantinis and now he surfing Apple Store.

WEBBER: It doeshn’t mean anything. I’m jusht looking.

MOLTZ: Sure you are. OK, let’s go to Thor who’s in line to get his iPhone at… Thor, where are you again?

SAMPSON: Uh, I’m at home.

MOLTZ: You’re at home? But, Thor, we talked about you getting an iPhone.

SAMPSON: Oh, I have one.

MOLTZ: But…

SAMPSON: Steve gave me one a few weeks ago.

MOLTZ: He what?

SAMPSON: What, you didn’t think I was going to stand in line, did you? Ha-ha!

MOLTZ: Oh. OK.

SAMPSON: Didn’t Schiller send you yours yet?

MOLTZ: Uh, no. I was going to order one online. I think. If I have enough money.

SAMPSON: Oh. Well. This is… awkward.

MOLTZ: Well, anyway, why don’t you tell us what it’s like.

SAMPSON: Oh, I would, but I’m NDA-ed.

MOLTZ: What?! But it’s out now. You can’t still be NDA-ed.

SAMPSON: Oh, no, see this is the second generation iPhone.

MOLTZ: You know, you make me so mad sometimes I don’t know why I even talk to you.

SAMPSON: Yeah. I get that a lot.

MOLTZ: Ugluk. What’s the status?

UGLUK: We now up to three crantinis, one Zima and one Mud Slide…

MOLTZ: He’s kind of big with the girl drinks.

WEBBER: Oh, yeah?! Well, wadda you know?!

UGLUK: …and iPhone now in his shopping cart!

WEBBER: I’m jusht thinkin’ ’bout it! I haven’t made up my mind! Gonna look at the shpecs.

UGLUK: He better be careful. He have One Click activated!

MOLTZ: OK! Well, we’re very close there, but let’s go to Masako who… yes! I think Masako has an iPhone. Is that right?

YAMAMOTO: That’s right. I have an iPhone and I have a screwdriver. And I’m going in.

MOLTZ: What?! No!

YAMAMOTO: Yes! I’m going to find out what makes this thing tick! I’ve got the antenna plate off! Now I’m pulling off the back plate!

MOLTZ: Stop! Somebody stop her! You’re messing with forces beyond your reckoning!

YAMAMOTO: I’m opening it up! I can see… there’s a light… a brilliant, white light… Oh! It’s… beautiful!

MOLTZ: Don’t look at it, Masako! Don’t look at it! Shut your eyes! Shut your eyes, Masako!

YAMAMOTO: What?! I… AAAAAIIIII!!!

MOLTZ: Oooh.

YAMAMOTO: AAAAAAAAHHHH!!!

MOLTZ: Ouch. Well, she’ll be OK.

YAMAMOTO: NOOOOOOOO! AAAAAAAGH!

MOLTZ: Hmm. Now, let’s check in one last time with Ugluk and see how it’s going.

UGLUK: He buy iPhone just after finishing Tequila Sunrise!

WEBBER: Oh, my god, that phone ish fricking incredible! I think I’m in love! That ish one shweet piece of hardware! I didn’t think I needed it but, boy, wash I wrong! Come to poppa, baby!

MOLTZ: Ha! Yeah, in two to four weeks! Well, there’s plenty of time for buyer’s remorse to set in there. That’s all the time we have tonight, but before we go, I have a special message for Apple fans everywhere. Wherever you are, whoever you’re standing in line with, we hope you’ll keep the true meaning of this holiest of nights… which, uh, I think is greed?

HOWARD: Avarice.

MOLTZ: Avarice! We hope you’ll keep the true meaning of iPhone Eve in your hearts not just on this night, but all throughout the year! This has been a very special Crazy Apple Rumors Report. Good night, everybody!

28 JunJobs Gives Freebie to Employees.

CEO Steve Jobs told employees in an all-hands meeting today that by the end of July they would be getting a highly coveted prize.

According to sources at the meeting, Jobs said that employees could choose to receive either a free iPhone, coveted by gadget geeks and consumers, or a free pony, universally coveted by little girls. Keeping with his maniacal attention to detail, Jobs said he would be asking each employee in a one-on-one, Mexican rules meeting which one they preferred.

“Make no mistake,” Jobs said from a perch 100 feet above the employees, “The iPhone is revolutionary in a way that I’ve only said once or twice before. Maybe three times. Four, max. You will all want one.

“However,” he continued, swooping down on a prototype Apple anti-gravity pad to hover mid-air above a startled mid-level accounts manager, “You may also ask for a pony.”

Jobs said that employees would be expected to bring the pony into work each day, provide it with fresh hay and bedding, groom it, and sing to it. And the pony could not interfere with work or chores.

“If you choose an iPhone, you will have access to the greatest handheld Internet browsing technology ever developed, the best iPod ever, and a crappy-ass phone with a mediocre voice network behind it,” Jobs said, looking deep into the souls of several employees.

“But you could also have… a pony. And ponies have their own… pedestrian… charms. I suppose.”

An informal survey after the event revealed that 73 percent of employees would prefer the iPhone, for reasons that include cubicles too small to contain a pony and their Aeron chair, the smell, or that they are not 13-year-old girls. 22 percent of employees said they were just freaked out by Jobs flying around and looking into their souls and wanted to get out of there as fast as they could and didn’t even hear what he said. The last 1 percent said they’ll take the pony, but insisted it would only be for their kids.

27 JuniPhone Myth or iPhone Fact?

Our iPhone coverage continues as Crazy Apple Rumors Site runs down some of the loose rumors floating around out there about a little phone we like to call…

…the iPhone.

Because that’s its name.

Since all that trademark unpleasantness got settled.

————

MYTH OR FACT? – On Friday, Apple Stores and AT&T stores will close at 4:30 and then re-open at 6:00 for the launch.

FACT. This is to allow them time to cover all other items in the stores with plastic to protect them from the impending nerdgasm.

MYTH OR FACT? – The iPhone is not made of metal or glass but of various meats.

MYTH. This is a common misconception but it’s actually Apple CFO Peter Oppenheimer who is made of meat.

MYTH OR FACT? – The iPhone is neither animal, vegetable or mineral. It is an entirely new form of entity which alchemists are calling “Gwanghoodoodle”.

FACT. That’s fairly self-explanatory.

MYTH OR FACT? – The battery supports up to 8 hours of talk time.

FACT. But it’s kind of academic as you don’t have anyone who can stand to talk to you that long.

MYTH OR FACT? – The iPhone includes alien technology that will allow Apple to issue downloadable hardware updates, for example later changing the 3.5-inch display to 4.0 inches.

MYTH. This is preposterous. Everyone knows that iPhone hardware updates will be carried out by little elves that will sneak into your pants pocket with little screwdrivers.

Be careful sitting down!

MYTH OR FACT? – Male iPhone owners will experience longer, harder erections.

FACT. Actually many of them already are, days before its release.

MYTH OR FACT? – The iPhone will fix dysfunctional relationships, heal your emotional pain and otherwise cure your pathetic, sorry life.

FACT.

It’s right there in the technical specifications.

I don’t have the link.

It’s somewhere down at the bottom.

26 JuniPhone Hype Problematic.

While technology watchers are eagerly anticipating Friday’s release of the iPhone, physicists and others are concerned that this week’s frenzy of non-stop iPhone mania may have disastrous implications for quantum mechanics and other fields.

According to Dr. Phillip Binette, a professor at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology’s Physics Department, iPhone “news” has so eclipsed other events that it is threatening to force them out of our plane of existence.

“There is only so much logical space in our universe,” Binette said. “Think of it like a Chinese take-out box stuffed with Kung-Pao Shrimp. The more shrimp you stuff in, some shrimp pop out the bottom.

“One succulent morsel of crustaceany goodness after the other.

“Mmm. Dammit, I’m hungry.”

According to Binette, there are already disturbing signs that large chunks of our reality are being spat from the universe like watermelon seeds.

“There are whole swaths of North and South Dakota and Nebraska that are nothing but desolate wastelands. Also, whatever happened to Lindsey Wagner? She’s just disappeared. I mean, I saw an ad for the Bionic Woman the other day and she wasn’t even in it”

A research assistant approached Binette and whispered in his ear.

“What?” he said. “Oh.

“I’m being told those states have always been like that. And Lindsey Wagner is just, uh, really old now.”

Still, the over-abundance of iPhone coverage seems to be a self-evident and there is concern in circles other than that of quantum mechanics.

Dale Houser, a system architect at the World Wide Web Consortium said “Even the web can only hold so much pabulum. We’ve seen a number of system failures as the level of people talking out of their asses about a device they haven’t even seen first-hand has increased exponentially in the last several days.”

Houser asked that anyone who can find it within themselves to just shut the hell up for four days please do so.