MOLTZ: Good evening and happy iPhone Eve everyone! We’ll have a special report from the scene of an AT&T store and some hands-on iPhone reviews! Yes, we’ve got an big night planned for you but first, I’m here in the CARS offices with Ugluk. And here with us is random Apple fan Dan Webber from Olympia.
MOLTZ: Now, Dan, you’re something of an anomaly as you say you have absolutely no interest in buying an iPhone, is that right?
WEBBER: That’s right.
MOLTZ: OK, well, we’re going to be getting Dan drunk over the course of the evening and seeing how long it takes him to change his mind.
WEBBER: Well, that’s fine, but I assure you I don’t need an iPhone no matter what my state of inebriation is.
MOLTZ: Yeah, OK, well, Ugluk will start pouring the drinks while we go to Chet MacGruder who’s down at the AT&T store. Chet, can you tell me what it’s like down there?
MACGRUDER: Oh, my god! It’s horrible! They’re everywhere! They’re clawing at me and scrambling all over my body! Somebody call the police!
MOLTZ: Oh, no. Ladies and gentlemen it sounds like we’ve got some sort of stampede of customers down at the Tacoma AT&T store trying to get iPhones…
MACGRUDER: No, no! I didn’t make it to the store! I’m three blocks away and I’m being attacked by wolverines! Aaaagh! Send someone to help me!
MACGRUDER: Help me! Their teeth are rending my flesh!
MOLTZ: How did you get attacked by wolverines? There aren’t any wolverines around here.
MACGRUDER: I don’t know! They just followed me off the bus! Aaaagh! My leg!
MOLTZ: [sigh] Howard, would you go down there and rescue Chet?
HOWARD: Well… I’m kind of in the middle of this sudoku.
MOLTZ: Eh, I’ll get him later. Let’s check in with Ugluk. How’s it going?
UGLUK: He have three crantinis and now he surfing Apple Store.
WEBBER: It doeshn’t mean anything. I’m jusht looking.
MOLTZ: Sure you are. OK, let’s go to Thor who’s in line to get his iPhone at… Thor, where are you again?
SAMPSON: Uh, I’m at home.
MOLTZ: You’re at home? But, Thor, we talked about you getting an iPhone.
SAMPSON: Oh, I have one.
SAMPSON: Steve gave me one a few weeks ago.
MOLTZ: He what?
SAMPSON: What, you didn’t think I was going to stand in line, did you? Ha-ha!
MOLTZ: Oh. OK.
SAMPSON: Didn’t Schiller send you yours yet?
MOLTZ: Uh, no. I was going to order one online. I think. If I have enough money.
SAMPSON: Oh. Well. This is… awkward.
MOLTZ: Well, anyway, why don’t you tell us what it’s like.
SAMPSON: Oh, I would, but I’m NDA-ed.
MOLTZ: What?! But it’s out now. You can’t still be NDA-ed.
SAMPSON: Oh, no, see this is the second generation iPhone.
MOLTZ: You know, you make me so mad sometimes I don’t know why I even talk to you.
SAMPSON: Yeah. I get that a lot.
MOLTZ: Ugluk. What’s the status?
UGLUK: We now up to three crantinis, one Zima and one Mud Slide…
MOLTZ: He’s kind of big with the girl drinks.
WEBBER: Oh, yeah?! Well, wadda you know?!
UGLUK: …and iPhone now in his shopping cart!
WEBBER: I’m jusht thinkin’ ’bout it! I haven’t made up my mind! Gonna look at the shpecs.
UGLUK: He better be careful. He have One Click activated!
MOLTZ: OK! Well, we’re very close there, but let’s go to Masako who… yes! I think Masako has an iPhone. Is that right?
YAMAMOTO: That’s right. I have an iPhone and I have a screwdriver. And I’m going in.
MOLTZ: What?! No!
YAMAMOTO: Yes! I’m going to find out what makes this thing tick! I’ve got the antenna plate off! Now I’m pulling off the back plate!
MOLTZ: Stop! Somebody stop her! You’re messing with forces beyond your reckoning!
YAMAMOTO: I’m opening it up! I can see… there’s a light… a brilliant, white light… Oh! It’s… beautiful!
MOLTZ: Don’t look at it, Masako! Don’t look at it! Shut your eyes! Shut your eyes, Masako!
YAMAMOTO: What?! I… AAAAAIIIII!!!
MOLTZ: Ouch. Well, she’ll be OK.
YAMAMOTO: NOOOOOOOO! AAAAAAAGH!
MOLTZ: Hmm. Now, let’s check in one last time with Ugluk and see how it’s going.
UGLUK: He buy iPhone just after finishing Tequila Sunrise!
WEBBER: Oh, my god, that phone ish fricking incredible! I think I’m in love! That ish one shweet piece of hardware! I didn’t think I needed it but, boy, wash I wrong! Come to poppa, baby!
MOLTZ: Ha! Yeah, in two to four weeks! Well, there’s plenty of time for buyer’s remorse to set in there. That’s all the time we have tonight, but before we go, I have a special message for Apple fans everywhere. Wherever you are, whoever you’re standing in line with, we hope you’ll keep the true meaning of this holiest of nights… which, uh, I think is greed?
MOLTZ: Avarice! We hope you’ll keep the true meaning of iPhone Eve in your hearts not just on this night, but all throughout the year! This has been a very special Crazy Apple Rumors Report. Good night, everybody!