New iMacs Have Interesting Feature.

Apple announced new iMacs today that feature a remarkable new design. As other sites have reported, the iMacs feature all-new aluminum enclosures, slim keyboards and can be configured with up to a terabyte of storage.

But what you may not have read on other sites is that not only are the new iMacs startlingly thin, they are actually two-dimensional.

The reason Apple neglected to emphasize this in its presentation may have something to do with a small warning at the bottom of the new iMac’s web page: “The effect of seeing the iMac disappear as you move around it can be quite startling. Users should be warned that it may frighten horses or induce labor in pregnant women.”

Another negative consequence of this amazing design is that putting a disk into the SuperDrive can be quite a challenge.

“The drive slot actually exists in N space,” said Macworld managing editor Jason Snell. “So, you have to wiggle the disk just right to bend space ever so slightly so it will load.

“Don’t get your hand in there, though. You’ll get sucked down to two dimensions and shot into N space. That’ll leave a mark. Unless you’re some kind of, I dunno, energy being or something.”

As an interesting side note to the new iMac’s specifications, the new Mac mini apparently does not occupy any physical space in our dimension at all, as CEO Steve Jobs decided it just wasn’t worth mentioning.

Agenda For Tomorrow's Presentation.

After the first seven months of the year were focused on the iPhone, excited Mac fans welcomed the news that tomorrow’s announcements by Apple would return the focus to their beloved platform.

Sadly, Crazy Apple Rumors Site has received an agenda for tomorrow’s presentation and the Mac? Not so much.

  1. Introduction. Discuss the highly successful iPhone launch.
  2. Bring out the iPhone and demo the Multitouch interface.
  3. Conduct a demo call with Phil Schiller, who’s in a straight jacket hanging from his ankles over a drunken and sexually aroused Barbara Walters.
  4. Conference in Jony Ive who tearfully reveals he’s a snackaholic.
  5. Discuss the relationship with AT&T and allow Stan Sigman… all… the time… he… wants.
  6. Bring out the iPhone again and demand that everyone present pay homage to it.
  7. Show everyone the iPhone interface again to demonstrate the iPhone’s complete dominion over them.
  8. Lead everyone in 15 minutes of cheering “iPhone! Yay, iPhone!”
  9. Conclude by releasing the hounds and having them chase the heathens from the temple.

Furthermore, according to sources, Apple will not only be discontinuing the Mac, but will be sending representatives to the home of each Mac user to deliver a kick to the groin.

Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
________________

Q: [skkzzzt]

A: Uh… hello?

Q: Hello?

A: John?

Q: Chet?

A: Holy crap, where the hell are you?

Q: Uh… let’s see… somewhere in upstate New York…

A: Well, come back!

Q: I can’t. We haven’t found the Entity yet.

A: Well, you’d better hurry because the robots are coming!

Q: What? You mean right now?

A: Well, that’s what Scary Gus was mumbling down at the Gas-N-Sip.

Q: Ooh. And Gus is never wrong.

A: No, sir, he is not.

Q: Well, we’ve been following some good leads and we’re moving toward the Waffle Triangle.

A: Ah, of course! The Cyber Apocalypse equivalent of the Sunni Triangle! That space marked out by Scranton, Penn., South Bend, Ind. and New Port Ritchie, Florida where waffles are most prevalent and where the robot hordes will first strike their bitterest enemy – the waffle!

Q: Um, no. It’s a diner. In North Carolina.

A: Oh.

Q: I like your answer, though. If Crabb were here I’d ask him if there was something to that.

A: He’s not with you anymore?

Q: No, we dropped him off at Graceland. Something about setting up a new iMac for Elvis. Apparently – and this should really come as no surprise – but apparently everyone in the afterlife uses Macs.

A: Well, sure. If you’re good.

Q: Right. Windows in hell. Linux in purgatory.

A: So, what, you drop Crabb off and now you’re just wandering around blind again?

Q: No, no, no. We’ve got some new spirit guides.

A: Oh? Who?

Q: Well, there’s Mac the Knife and Sluggo from the Power Computing ad.

A: Huh.

Q: Yeah. Well, we ran out of mescaline so we had to switch to a combination of morphine, shots of tequila and hitting each other on the head with old Inside Macintosh books.

A: It occurs to me that this whole thing could be sending the wrong message to America’s youth.

Q: Oh, no, it’s totally cool. Sluggo’s driving and he’s not having anything.

A:

Q: What?

A: Are you coming back soon?

Q: Well, if this lead on the Waffle Triangle pans out, we just need to drop Mac the Knife off on Fire Island and then Sluggo needs to go to Austin. So… a few weeks?

A: Couldn’t you just stop doing the drugs and they’d disappear?

Q: Wow. You just don’t know much about how to treat a spirit guide, do you.

A: You need to come back! The killer robots got to MacOSRumors! It’s gone! We heard that a couple of them pulled Ryan Meader apart like fresh bread!

Q: Gotta go! There’s a Waffle House up ahead! Better check it out.

A: Wait! Where did you leave the shotgun shells?! MOLTZ!!!

Everybody Totally Wrong About New iMacs.

Many irresponsible sources have been spreading a lot of erroneous information about the iMacs to be announced next Tuesday and Crazy Apple Rumors Site would like to set the record straight.

For starters, contrary to popular belief, they will not be aluminum and they will not feature thin, laptop-style keyboards. Clearly people referencing these specs have simply been having feverish dreams after using their MacBook Pros.

Some have stated as fact that these iMacs will feature Apple’s patented pudding over IP technology. This is false. It’s absurd. Preposterous. Everyone knows pudding over IP will appear first in the new Mac Pros that will be announced at Macworld.

Furthermore, several sites have reported that the 2007 iMacs will be hand-crafted by Nepalese virgins from the finest sandalwood. Wrong. That’s the iPhone rev. 2.

Finally, there’s absolutely no truth to the rumors that when Steve Jobs unveils them, the new iMacs will be covered in a protoplasmic ooze that is a by-product of the process by which new Apple products are born from his body.

They’re totally going to clean that stuff off before Tuesday’s event.

C’mon.

Like they’d leave Steve goop all over them.

As if.

Another iPhone Battery Lawsuit Filed.

While the iPhone’s battery is likely to last long enough that few will ever find need to replace it, a third-party vendor has filled the small gap in Apple’s product offering by announcing an iPhone battery replacement kit. While most iPhone owners welcomed the move, at least one was not so pleased.

According to sources, the kit’s Hong Kong manufacturer, Brando, was immediately sued by Jose Trujillo, the instigator of a class-action lawsuit over the iPhone’s non-user-replaceable battery.

“Brando has recklessly and irreparably damaged my client’s case against Apple,” said Trujillo’s attorney, Laura Kremer.

“We can’t very well walk into a court of law and ask for millions in compensation for the pain and suffering caused by Apple’s non-user-replaceable iPhone battery when the defense can have our case immediately thrown out by just holding up one of Brando’s reasonably priced iPhone battery replacement kits.

“I mean, duh.”

To that end, Trujillo is seeking an injunction on the sale of Brando’s kit as well as $75 million in damages.

“While we don’t know exactly how much we would have won from Apple,” Kremer said, “We picked $75 million because it just felt right.”

Apple declined to comment for this story, citing its long-standing policy of not commenting on lawsuits filed by jackasses.