It’s been a while since we’ve done one of these, but sources deep inside Apple – like in the boiler room – forwarded this transcript of a meeting that took place in Tokyo between Apple representatives and those of NTT DoCoMo over bringing the iPhone to Japan.

Let’s do it again, boys and, um, girl. Let’s go… Inside Apple.
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SCHILLER: Let me just say that it’s a pleasure to be here and we’re really excited about the opportunity to bring the iPhone to Japan!

JOBS: That’s right, Phil. The iPhone is a device uniquely fitted to the Japanese market. We think Japan’s sophisticated consumer electronics buyers are really going to enjoy it.

NTT DOCOMO EXECUTIVE 1: Hey! Let’s super fun time with iPhone!

SCHILLER: Um… [LOOKS QUIZZICALLY AT JOBS]

JOBS: Uh… yes! Exactly! Let’s super fun time with iPhone!

NTT DOCOMO EXECUTIVE 2: You get super number 1! In vibrant blues and yellows!

SCHILLER: Uh… that’s… good.

JOBS: What does that mean?

SCHILLER: It doesn’t matter! Because we’re excited about working with your company to bring the iPhone to the Japanese market. So, let’s talk some numbers…

EXECUTIVE 1: Numbers! Ah! Yes!

JOBS: Yes, numbers!

SCHILLER: Numbers! OK, so, we were thinking…

EXECUTIVE 1: 14!

EXECUTIVE 2: One thousand eleventy!

EXECUTIVE 1: Seven seventy!

EXECUTIVE 2: Twenty twenty!

EXECUTIVE 1: Sixty Minutes!

EXECUTIVE 2: Ladies panties!

SCHILLER: I, uh, was more thinking number of units.

JOBS: I was thinking number of dollars. Or yen. I’m not particular.

SCHILLER: OK, OK. What about ad campaigns? I was thinking some top Japanese talent could give the iPhone a hip image. Any names you can think of?

EXECUTIVE 1: Ah, top talent!

EXECUTIVE 2: Top talent!

EXECUTIVE 1: We get John Wayne!

EXECUTIVE 2: No, Steve McQueen!

EXECUTIVE 1: Ah! Bang-bang!

EXECUTIVE 2: Bang-bang! Sell many iPhones!

SCHILLER: No. No. They’re not hip. Or Japanese. Or alive.

JOBS: Well, McQueen’s hip. Still dead, though.

SCHILLER: I think we need Japanese celebrities. Or ordinary people! Man on the street types!

EXECUTIVE 1: Ah, man on za street! Yes! My cousin is number one top man on za streeto!

SCHILLER: Is your accent getting heavier?

EXECUTIVE 2: Ah! Ah! Time for Wii!

EXECUTIVE 1: Time for Wii!

EXECUTIVE 2: Wiiiiiiii!

[THE NTT DOCOMO EXECUTIVES TURN ON A NINTENDO WII AND BEGIN TO PLAY.]

SCHILLER: OK, uh, we’ll just go… and…

JOBS: We’ll talk later.

SCHILLER: Right. We’ll talk later.

[THE APPLE EXECUTIVES LEAVE.]

EXECUTIVE 1: [DROPPING THE WII CONTROLLER] Well, that went well.

EXECUTIVE 2: I think so. A few more meetings like this and we should have them right where we want them.

EXECUTIVE 1: Great. No way we’re getting screwed like AT&T. I hope it happens soon, though, because this papier-mache Hello Kitty head really itches.

EXECUTIVE 2: Oh, you think this Godzilla suit is any better? This rubber really chafes my junk.

EXECUTIVE 1: Ha-ha!

EXECUTIVE 2: What? What did I say… Oh! Ha-ha!

EXECUTIVE 1: Ha-ha! “This rubber chafes my junk”!

EXECUTIVE 2: Heh-heh. Ahhh. Hey, could you unzip me?

At a surprise all-hands meeting, CEO Steve Jobs announced that as thanks for another spectacular year, Apple employees would be receiving a special holiday gift.

“Tomorrow,” Jobs said to the excited crowd, “each employee of Apple worldwide, including retail stores, will receive one or more heads of livestock.”

Jobs, who had previously given Apple employees such items as an iPod shuffle and an iPhone, said “The gift of livestock is an investment into our employees. It’s previously concerned me that electronics such as iPods or iPhones are depreciating assets that offer no ongoing value. Livestock, on the other hand, allows our employees to increase their protein intake and their income.

“Also, they’re great for trading for wives.”

A memo distributed at the meeting stated that each Apple employee will receive either a llama, two goats or six rabbits.

According to Jobs, llamas may be sheared or slaughtered for meat, goats can provide milk or be slaughtered for meat, while rabbits…

“Well, rabbits are pretty much just meat. Of course you can breed them for more meat. And there ain’t nothing wrong with meat. Um, not that I’d know.”

Jobs paused to wipe some saliva from the corner of his mouth.

Apple employees were slightly confused by the announcement.

“I was kind of hoping for an Apple TV or a fat nano,” said AppleCare support technician Dale Kelly.

“I live in a small, unfurnished apartment and I think it would be a violation of my tenant’s agreement to have livestock in my unit.

“So I’m just going to slaughter mine immediately. Probably in my cube.”

Jobs also announced that each and every Apple customer would be getting a bucket of corn meal.

Heifer International, a charitable organization that helps fight world hunger through gifts of livestock to the developing world, denied any connection to Jobs’ announcement. But a spokesman did note that a fully tax-deductible donation of livestock makes a great holiday gift to yourself and those in need.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
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Q: I’m trying to create an AppleScript to upload my photos to Flickr from iPhoto and I’m having a really hard time.

A: Oh, you need to use Automator.

Q: Automator?

A: Automator!

Q: Automator?

A: There’s a way to control it!
It’s totally Au-to-ma-tor!
Whatever you can record
You can do it blindfolded
Completely automatic!
All of your systems get down!
Down down down
Automator!
Automator!

Q: Um…

A: …

Q: So, how do I…

A: What is this madness
That makes my Mac run
And my legs too weak to stand?
I go from sadness
To ex-hil-a-ration
I got Automator at my command!

Q: You know, I’d hang up and call someone else, but your singing voice is so much better than Chris Breen’s.

A: My hands perspire and shake like a leaf!

Q: [sigh]
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Q: Hey, do you know anyone at Apple legal?

A: Oh, yeah. We know lots of people. Well… a few people. Well, one.

Q: Because apparently there’s this dude who wrote a book about sexbots in the future and he doesn’t even credit Apple for the idea!

A: I forget her name. She was really nice on the phone.

Q: I mean, Apple invented the idea of sex with robots, right?!

A: The funny thing was, I had a PowerBook in for repair at the time and when I saw the caller ID said “Apple” I picked up immediately because I just assumed it was about my PowerBook.

Q: They totally did! He stole their idea!

A: All she wanted me to do was remove the Apple copyrighted image that I had superimposed a naked lady on from the site.

Q: Apple needs to sue this guy into the stone age!

A: And you know what? I folded like a old card table. I did! I mean, I was talking to someone who probably had lunch with Nancy Heinen. Nancy Heinen! Can you imagine?! What do you think Nancy ordered?

Q: So do you have her number?

A: Nancy Heinen’s number?! I wish!

Q: Are we talking about the same thing?

A: Mmm… Nancy.
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Q: I just downloaded the QuickTIme update and I have to say I am not impressed.

A: Oh? What’s wrong?

Q: Well, before I updated I watched that trailer for Speed Racer and I watched it again after I updated. And guess what?

A: It still looked like the work of the bastard child of Hunter S. Thompson and Hello Kitty?

Q: Exactly.

A: Well, it’s really just a security update. So it’s not going to fix that.

Q: Oh. Well, maybe I’ll just go try to sleep it off.

A: You do that.

Q: Kind of a bad trip.

A: Well… good night.

Q: Hey, do you know where I can score some mescaline?

A: [click]

Q: Hello? Helloooo?

Hey! Looky there! Welcome to post 1,000!

As it suddenly occurs to me we’ve been busting our humps for over 999 posts (a number of posts didn’t come over in the great Movable Type to WordPress conversion). So we’re taking a day off.

You got a problem with that? Eat it.

Frankly, you people brought this on yourselves. I frankly don’t look at those numbers because they don’t really mean jack diddly, but a number of you pointed it out to me and tried to put all this pressure on for it to be this big deal and were talking about how everyone would get free ice cream and there would be pudding and pony rides and unexpected visits from old friends like Vinz Machete and Glaarku and Gary and Jon Rubinstein.

Hey, did you know he’s at Palm now? Ha-ha! Good luck with that, Ruby!

But anyway…

Here we are.

Oh, but for ellipsis fans, don’t worry. That won’t be all. There’s another one coming up.

I know I keep saying stuff like “Oh, no post today because my sewer line is out” (it actually is out, but do you care? Noooo.), but isn’t this really a post? When is a post not a post?

Hmm. Probably when it doesn’t discuss an Apple rumor, I guess.

OK, fine.

As a boy, Steve Jobs fired a puppy.

No, really. It’s true. It’s on the Internet, isn’t it?

OK. Now, the Kilo Post… (there you go) is yours.

Try not to mess up the side view mirrors.

And don’t play with the radio.

For those of you who might have missed our posting earlier today, CNet’s Tom Krazit was kind enough to quote me in a piece on the whole Mac vs. Windows thing you may have heard of once or twice in the past 17 years. While we were pleased that Krazit sought the opinion of such a respected Apple publication, the piece misses several salient points of the debate, which I will now elucidate.

• PC users usually smell like dirty sweat socks. Mac users always smell as fresh as a summer rose. If only because so many of us use Summer Rose Feminine Deodorant Spray.
• PC users iz stoopid. Mac users iz teh smart.
• While one often hears about how Macs are gay, simple statistics dictate that because there are more Windows users, there are more Windows users who are gay. Even if gay people are more inclined to use the Mac simply because they have a better sense of style, statistically, more gay people use Windows. So, who’s gay now? Why it is you, the Windows user who is gay. On the other hand, you do look good in those chaps. I couldn’t pull off that look, but you make it look good. Do you work out? Not that I’m hitting on you or anything. I’m not. I’m just saying if I were gay…
• It’s a well-known fact that Windows crashes all the time and that Macs never c
• [bong!]
• I heard that Bill Gates spent the summer of 1978 killing hookers in Albuquerque and, if you listen closely, you can still hear their screams every time Windows boots up. Well, that’s what I heard. But it’s also possible it’s just the screams of the people who have to use Windows. Most of whom are corporate hookers which kind of brings the whole argument full circle. QED.
• For the last time, Mac users do not believe that Steve Jobs is god! Ha-ha-ha! Don’t be foolish! That would be absurd! Preposterous! We simply believe – and this should be fairly obviously true to everyone based on the evidence at hand! – that he is Der Ubermensch, a perfectly evolved individual whose indomitable will will bring about a utopian society where Mac users and iPod users alike will live in perfect harmony with nature and their fellow Mac and iPod users. And, yes, Windows users must be purged in the flames of perdition as the leeching vermin that they are. But believing he’s god? Ha-ha! That would be silly!
• Humorous names that Steve Ballmer has called Bill Gates include Nerdie McSweatervest, Slouchy McJuicebox, Frumpy McScrawny, Foureyes McFloodpants and Donnie Dorko. I don’t really have a point here, I just think it’s funny.

So, from the perspective of this site, we are clearly ready to leave the old Mac vs. Windows debate behind. We are so over that. Live and let live.

As long as we get the last word.