Not that we don’t already know it’s in full swing or nothing, but when Crazy Apple Rumor Site Editor-In-Chief John Moltz is quoted in a real news-type piece on the Interwebs, even if it is discussing the Artie MacStrawman phenomenon…
Well, strange days indeed.
In a surprise move known only to the members of the Apple board, CEO Steve Jobs has settled a potentially divisive controversy by naming his successor.
While rumors had previously swirled around Tim Cook, Phil Schiller and most recently Jonathan Ive, sources indicate Jobs has gone outside the company.
“He felt that choosing someone inside the company could set off a civil war,” a source said. “Which sounds dramatic but really just means a lot of slap fights in the hallway. Although, no one wants that, either. It just looks so pathetic.”
Not only has Jobs gone outside the company, he has also gone outside the country. For the next Apple CEO will be Russian President Vladimir Putin.
According to published reports, Putin has set the stage for his move to Apple by picking his own successor, Dmitry Medvedev. In an ironic twist, Medvedev’s successor will actually be an iPod shuffle.
“This is an excellent choice,” said Macworld editor Jason Snell. “Putin is a lot like Jobs. He’s highly secretive, ruthlessly unforgiving, and mercurial. And, while he isn’t known to wear black mock turtlenecks, he might even turn it up a notch.”
Jobs currently has no plans to step down, but Putin is reportedly already familiarizing himself with Apple’s products. He’s also rumored to be having Lenin’s body relocated to a strip mall in Minsk so a really bitching Apple Store can be constructed in the Red Square mausoleum.
“I am so going to that opening,” Snell said.
I keep hearing this whiny-assed crap from no good Mac-using bitches that are sitting at home in their parents’ basement wondering when the Cyber Apocalypse is going to affect them.
Well, game on, my multi-sided-dice-rolling Cheeto-snarfing HyperCard-using evil-goat-worshipping cream puffs.
Because word on the street is Steve Wozniak just got turned into a robot.
“Oh, noes! Not teh Woz!” sez my little LOL kitties. “I can has Woz?!”
No! You can, uh, not has Woz! Give it a try! You’ll be all “Oh, Woz, you’re the funny and personable Apple co-founder, what with your dating of noted comediennes and penchant for cutting your meat with a business card and disinclination to fire people at the drop of a hat! Give me some sugar!”
And he’ll be all “CRUSH. KILL. DESTROY. CRUSH. KILL. DESTROY.”
And don’t say we didn’t warn you, my nasty hoes. No, since day one (literally!) we’ve been the only Apple site to give you the straight poop on this so-called “Woz” and how he’s a threat to the youth of America. And a brain-sucking zombie.
Why, check out this criticism of Woz we offered over a year ago:
Wozniak is probably the most fluffed Apple celebrity there is. While Jobs gets more praise, he also gets a lot of criticism. Wozniak is uniformly treated like a great big teddy bear that is just so snuggle-ums and wuv-ums wherever he goes.
Indeed. And now he’s a psycho killer robot. Advantage Crazy Apple Rumors Site.
So, look. I don’t want to hear a lot of namby-pamby crap about how the Cyber Apocalypse don’t affect you.
Let me put this in terms even the dimmest Mac user can understand.
Steve Wozniak is coming to destroy you and everything you hold dear.
Your best bet is to try to dump him into a vat of liquid oxygen in the hopes that you can shatter him in such a manner that his liquid metal composites will not be able to reform the WozBot.
That’s right.
The WozBot.
Go see if any of the other so-called Apple news and rumor sites are giving you the 411 on the great threat posed by the WozBot.
I’ll wait.
Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
Today: Spaces!
________________
Q: AAAAGH! AAAAAGH! My… my windows! They’re gone! My windows are gone!
A: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Relax. Are you using Leopard?
Q: Yes!
A: OK. It’s just Spaces. Every once in a while it goes goofy and doesn’t show you the windows. It’s very easy to fix.
Q: Oh. OK. What do I need to do?
A: Well, you need to appease Spaces.
Q: Uh… what?
A: Well, you’ve clearly angered it. So you must make an offering.
Q: An offering?
A: Yes.
Q: What kind of offering?
A: An offering… of human blood.
Q: Uh… what? Isn’t there just a key combination?
A: No! Spaces is an angry god! It will only accept human blood!
Q: That doesn’t seem right. I mean, Dashboard I could see, but Spaces?
A: I assure you, it is. Now, you’ll need a lot of blood, so I suggest opening up a major vein. Get yourself a sharp knife and…
Q: Oh! Wait! They’re back! I just hit C while holding the F8 key down!
A: Really? Well, I like my way better. That’s the way a man gets his windows back.
________________
Q: Hey, I’m trying to use Spaces, too, and something is really borked up.
A: How borked? Robert Bork borked up or just Swedish Chef sort of borked?
Q: Um, well I guess just kind of Swedish Chef level borked.
A: OK. Then is it angry chickens kind of Swedish Chef sort of borked or just singing vegetables type of “code Swedish Chef” borked.
Q: Uh, I’d say angry chickens kind of Swedish Chef borked and with the chef’s hat on fire.
A: I see. That’s just one step below Robert Bork level borkitude.
Q: If you say so.
A: Hmm. If I had to ask you if it was Jim Nabors guest hosting or Elke Sommer guest hosting kind of angry chickens Swedish chef with the hat on fire level borked…
Q: I have no idea what the hell we’re even talking about any more but I’m going to say Elke Sommer for obvious reasons.
A: She was hot.
Q: Totally.
A: Well… thanks for calling!
Q: OK, bye.
________________
Q: Hey, we didn’t even get to my question!
A: Oh. Right. It was about the Dock, right?
Q: No! It was about Spaces!
A: OK. OK. Look, when something like this happens, it’s important to stay calm. People have a tendency to panic when something goes wrong and when you panic you can make a bad situation worse. Understand?
Q: Yeah. Sure. OK.
A: So, think. Think. Why would Spaces be mad at you?
Q: I don’t know! I mean, we had argued a little, but I never thought it was that serious.
A: What did you argue over?
Q: Money, mostly.
A: Mmm-hmm.
Q: Spaces felt it wasn’t getting a big enough cut of the web development work I was doing on my Mac. It was always saying shit like “You’d never be able to get this work done if I didn’t keep your windows organized for you!” And that would make me mad, of course, and I’d be like “Bitch, you don’t do nothin’ around here except stuff windows in your fat ass! Don’t make me crawl into that screen and smack a bitch!”
A: That’s not how loving couples talk to each other.
Q: I know. I know. I just…
A: Let’s focus on your feelings. How did Spaces’ words make you feel?
Q: Stressed, I guess. Money, money, money. Spaces always wanted more money. And, as the provider…
A: Did you feel trapped?
Q: Yes. Yes! Trapped.
A: Mmm. Well, I’m afraid that’s all the time we have today.
Q: Oh. I but I feel like we’re close to something.
A: We’ll pick it up here next week.
Q: Oh, who are you kidding? You don’t even do the Help Desk half the time.
A: This is not about me, Ronald.
Q: Pff.
Another deadly spam hack attack against this site by nefarious robot sources has been defeated. You’ll have to look somewhere else for your viagra needs.
At least until they attack again. Which will probably be in about 15 minutes.
Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
Today: Spaces!
________________
Q: AAAAGH! AAAAAGH! My… my windows! They’re gone! My windows are gone!
A: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Relax. Are you using Leopard?
Q: Yes!
A: OK. It’s just Spaces. Every once in a while it goes goofy and doesn’t show you the windows. It’s very easy to fix.
Q: Oh. OK. What do I need to do?
A: Well, you need to appease Spaces.
Q: Uh… what?
A: Well, you’ve clearly angered it. So you must make an offering.
Q: An offering?
A: Yes.
Q: What kind of offering?
A: An offering… of human blood.
Q: Uh… what? Isn’t there just a key combination?
A: No! Spaces is an angry god! It will only accept human blood!
Q: That doesn’t seem right. I mean, Dashboard I could see, but Spaces?
A: I assure you, it is. Now, you’ll need a lot of blood, so I suggest opening up a major vein. Get yourself a sharp knife and…
Q: Oh! Wait! They’re back! I just hit C while holding the F8 key down!
A: Really? Well, I like my way better. That’s the way a man gets his windows back.
________________
Q: Hey, I’m trying to use Spaces, too, and something is really borked up.
A: How borked? Robert Bork borked up or just Swedish Chef sort of borked?
Q: Um, well I guess just kind of Swedish Chef level borked.
A: OK. Then is it angry chickens kind of Swedish Chef sort of borked or just singing vegetables type of “code Swedish Chef” borked.
Q: Uh, I’d say angry chickens kind of Swedish Chef borked and with the chef’s hat on fire.
A: I see. That’s just one step below Robert Bork level borkitude.
Q: If you say so.
A: Hmm. If I had to ask you if it was Jim Nabors guest hosting or Elke Sommer guest hosting kind of angry chickens Swedish chef with the hat on fire level borked…
Q: I have no idea what the hell we’re even talking about any more but I’m going to say Elke Sommer for obvious reasons.
A: She was hot.
Q: Totally.
A: Well… thanks for calling!
Q: OK, bye.
________________
Q: Hey, we didn’t even get to my question!
A: Oh. Right. It was about the Dock, right?
Q: No! It was about Spaces!
A: OK. OK. Look, when something like this happens, it’s important to stay calm. People have a tendency to panic when something goes wrong and when you panic you can make a bad situation worse. Understand?
Q: Yeah. Sure. OK.
A: So, think. Think. Why would Spaces be mad at you?
Q: I don’t know! I mean, we had argued a little, but I never thought it was that serious.
A: What did you argue over?
Q: Money, mostly.
A: Mmm-hmm.
Q: Spaces felt it wasn’t getting a big enough cut of the web development work I was doing on my Mac. It was always saying shit like “You’d never be able to get this work done if I didn’t keep your windows organized for you!” And that would make me mad, of course, and I’d be like “Bitch, you don’t do nothin’ around here except stuff windows in your fat ass! Don’t make me crawl into that screen and smack a bitch!”
A: That’s not how loving couples talk to each other.
Q: I know. I know. I just…
A: Let’s focus on your feelings. How did Spaces’ words make you feel?
Q: Stressed, I guess. Money, money, money. Spaces always wanted more money. And, as the provider…
A: Did you feel trapped?
Q: Yes. Yes! Trapped.
A: Mmm. Well, I’m afraid that’s all the time we have today.
Q: Oh. I but I feel like we’re close to something.
A: We’ll pick it up here next week.
Q: Oh, who are you kidding? You don’t even do the Help Desk half the time.
A: This is not about me, Ronald.
Q: Pff.