CARS Staff

iPod Killer Coming Tomorrow! No, Really!

Devastating news reached the Apple world today as reports indicate that Microsoft will announce its “iPod killer” tomorrow.

Again.

Dubbed the Zune 2, the Revenge, the first update to the Zune line will feature, uh…

Flash memory.

Looks like.

“The 2 in ‘Zune 2’ is not sequential,” said blogger Robert Scoble. “It’s exponential! It’s like Zune squared! Which means Zune to the max. Maximum Zunage. Zunalicious. Zune-a-roonie. iPod killah.

“Or not. Whatever. Frankly, I’m kinda sick of this crap. I mean, they don’t even pay me anymore. I don’t know why I keep pimping their junk like some, um, pimp. An unpaid pimp.”

Analysts indicated that Microsoft’s ability to go from hard-drive to flash-based technology in just a year shows what an iPod killer the Zune 2, 3, 4, etc. are and will be forever and ever.

“An imaginary friend of mine told me that the Zunes 2 through 45 are certified iPod killers,” said John C. Dvorak. “They even have little stickers on them that say ‘Certified iPod Killer’, so you know it’s true.”

Microsoft is expected to announce its long-term commitment to the Zune platform as well as to the existence of fairies and elves.

The company will also be announcing its own line of accessories. Microsoft said it asked several third parties to make Zune accessories, but they explained they didn’t have the time because they had to wash their hair and then their shows were coming on.

Apple Updates iPhone.

Apple released the iPhone update 1.1.1 which added several key features – most notably the iTunes WiFi Store – but also removed some hacks.

While hackers complained about Apple’s attempts to “keep them down”, some users expressed surprise at the update status messages that appear as the iPhone is updated. Users reported seeing the following messages as they attempted to jank up their iPhones with the latest Apple digital love.

Extracting software…

Preparing iPhone for software update…

Deleting that hacker shit you installed on our beautiful, pristine hardware. You know what? Each time someone jailbreaks an iPhone, Steve dies a little inside. Are you happy now? Are you?!

Updating iPhone software…

Updating iPhone firmware…

I see you have an entry in the Weather app for Trenton. Um… Trenton. Pshew. It’s just… Well, OK.

Verifying iPhone update…

Wait a minute…

“Who Let The Dogs Out”? You have “Who Let The Dogs Out”? Dude, this is an 8 GB phone. I mean, maybe on a 160 GB iPod classic, but what is this, 2000? What’s that all about?

I’m starting to be a little concerned that you don’t deserve an iPhone. No, seriously. We put a lot of effort into these things and we’re not about to see you crap them up.

Well, we should just brick this thing but we’re going to let it pass this one time…

Wha-what the hell is this?! Creed?! You have Creed on here? Oh, you’re bricked, buddy. You’re so bricked.

Other users reported trouble with the Spin Doctors and downloaded episodes of anything with Bob Saget.

Apple Recalls iPods.

In a disappointing setback for Apple’s new line, the company recalled all iPod models today, citing problems with the manufacturing process at the Chinese plants that make them.

According to iPod marketing manager Stan Ng, the primary reason the iPods are being recalled is because they’re smothered in lead.

“Yeah, I don’t have a really good explanation for it,” said Ng. “Kinda slipped by us. Whoops. Uh, sorry for the brain damage! Sorry.

“Whatever you do, don’t put it in your mouth. If you’ve got a toddler or infant, keep them far, far away from them. One lick and they’ll be as dim as a 10-watt bulb.”

Sources that declined to be identified said that high lead content wasn’t the only problem Apple had found with iPods manufactured in Chinese plants. These sources say that Apple has found the following in iPods:

Tainted plastics.

Tainted flash memory.

Tainted dog food.

Tainted tiger testicles.

The song “Tainted Love”, by Soft Cell.

Apple will be initiating an iPod return program similar to what it conducted for exploding laptop batteries. Users will be sent shipment boxes along with rubber gloves for handling the units. Tainted iPods will be loaded into an Atlas rocket and shot into the sun.

“We, uh, couldn’t think of anything else to do with them,” Ng said. “It’s expensive, but you can’t say it won’t solve the problem.”

Apple said that it has severely chastised its Chinese suppliers. For their part, the suppliers feigned surprise that Apple didn’t want some nice lead in its iPods.

Apple Conducts Loving Intervention With Misguided iPhone Owners.

Apple today conducted an overdue intervention with certain customers who have engaged in a dangerous “lifestyle” of “hacking” their iPhones.

In a lovingly worded press release that clearly comes straight from the heart, Apple stressed that iPhone ~~hackers~~ abusers should step back from the brink… and reevaluate their lives… before it was too late.

Apple has discovered that many of the unauthorized iPhone unlocking programs available on the Internet cause irreparable damage to the iPhone’s software, which will likely result in the modified iPhone becoming permanently inoperable when a future Apple-supplied iPhone software update is installed.

Message?

“We care.”

The only question is if the message will be received by its more ungrateful customers.

Apple senior vice president of worldwide marketing Phil Schiller said “We made this beautiful gift for you… and this is how you repay us?

“Please, think of your families. Think of how they feel when they see you jailbreaking your iPhone.

“It’s killing them! How can you be so selfish?!”

Other members of the iPhone user group community attempted to scare iPhone abusers straight.

“If you hack your iPhone,” said the Apple Phone Show‘s Scott Bourne, “you could end up with VD.

“Or in jail. Or lying in a ditch, face down in a pool of your own vomit with your pants around your ankles and…”

Bourne went on for five or ten minutes like that.

Apple insisted that the first step toward recovery is admitting you have a problem. The second step was, oddly, throwing your hacked iPhone out and buying a new clean one.

“It’s better to just start all over,” insisted Schiller.

Apple Resolves iTunes Pricing Issues.

In late-breaking news tonight, Apple has resolved iTunes Store pricing issues in a move that returns NBC’s shows to the store as well as satisfying the concerns of the European Commission.

According to sources, Apple will initiate random pricing on the iTunes Store starting tomorrow. The prices will range from free to $5 and will be assigned using a complex algorithm at the time a song or movie is added to the store.

“We’re very satisfied with this solution, said Cory Shields, Executive Vice President of Communications at NBC Universal. “Sure we never know what we’re going to get, but what’s important to us is confusing and annoying the customer. At NBC, that’s job number 1.”

Shields backed up his statement by noting that Heroes, one of the network’s most popular shows, would be moved to a 1 PM time slot this fall in an attempt to increase NBC’s share of the coveted vampire market.

“We looked at the demographics,” Shields said, “and the vampire group was highly under-represented. This is clearly because vampires stay home during the day when the sun is hot. By airing Heroes when vampires are home, we’ll completely lock up that market.

“Of course they could be under-represented because they don’t exist. Well, uh, I guess we’ll find out. But the important thing is that our existing viewers will be confused and annoyed.”

For its part, the European Commission was also pleased.

“Our regulations simply state that you can’t fix prices,” said President José Manuel Barroso. “We don’t care what you do with them, you can have a monkey assign them for all I care, but just don’t fix them.”

What both NBC and the European Commission don’t realize, however, is that Apple’s distribution algorithm is designed such that the pricing averages out to exactly the same as the current pricing. Customers can expect that they won’t see any difference in their iTunes charges.

“Don’t tell them, though,” said Eddy Cue, head of the iTunes division. “It’ll just be between us.”

Crazy Apple Rumors Site reporters assured Cue that the information would not be widely disseminated.