CARS Staff

Nothing Happened In The Apple World Today.

While several sites did report a smatter of news, analysts agree that nothing of consequence happened in the Apple world today.

Indeed, the day was so inconsequential, that sources in Cupertino say tumbleweeds were seen to blow across Infinite Loop as CEO Steve Jobs and COO Tim Cook stood and watched.

“It’s quiet,” Jobs noted.

“Yeah,” Cook agreed, chewing a piece of straw. “Too quiet.”

Despite the utter lack of activity on the Apple campus, senior vice president of worldwide marketing Phil Schiller’s bulletin board still held an ironically-captioned sticker claiming “If you think this place is dead now, you should see it around quitting time.”

The Apple campus wasn’t the only place where nothing was happening. Third-party software developers, iPod accessory makers and other peripheral manufacturers had all but taken the day off.

At the Wall Street Journal, Walt Mossberg took a three hour nap. Across town at the New York Times, David Pogue leaned back in his chair and tossed pencils into the ceiling tiles.

Apple didn’t so much decline to comment for this story as it really just didn’t have anything to say.

“Phewwww,” Jobs breathed.

“Eeeeyup,” Cook sighed.

Apple Sued For Failure To Deliver Implied Ponies.

Just hours after being sued by a group complaining that MacBook screens do not actually display millions of colors but only hundreds of thousands, Apple was hit by another lawsuit.

A group of customers is alleging the company has failed to produce on an implied promise that every Apple product comes with a free pony.

“While it was never explicitly stated in any of their materials,” attorney Leonard Embree said, “Everyone I know thinks that that Macs come with ponies.

“It’s just a given. You buy a Mac, an iPod, an Apple TV, and you get a free pony.

“But check the message boards at Apple’s support site and you’ll see hundreds of users complaining that so far there have been no ponies. Where are the ponies, Mr. Jobs? Where. Are. The. Ponies?”

For his part, CEO Steve Jobs insisted there was never any contractual obligation on Apple’s part to supply ponies.

“We’ve been very clear about this,” Jobs said. “Any ponies that might result from owning Apple products are simply an end result. So, buying an iPod might make you more attractive to wild ponies that may just start showing up at your doorstep. Or, buying a Mac might make you more productive and therefore you might find the time to take up the care and feeding of a diminutive equine.

“Although, why you’d want to do that is beyond me. Of course, I just ride my employees around so I don’t really have use for some hay-eating poop factory.”

As a side note, Jobs claimed that it is a well-documented fact that the human eye can only see 18 colors.

“So, this whole business about whether the MacBook displays hundreds of thousands or millions is simply academic.”

Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

This week’s Help Desk has been outsourced to cheap labor from indiscriminate countries with a loose grasp of the English language!

Q: I am being troubled with the iMac! It always shut down with improper mood and rough abandon! Why it do this?!
A: You are being hit reset button with force of knee to the groin?
Q: No! All touches to machine are like those of effeminate Estonian man!
A: Ha-ha!
Q: Ha-ha!
A: Ha-ha!
Q: Ha-ha! Estonians!
A: They are funny!
Q: Their derision provides spastic amusement!

Q: The iPod is the playing of music, but not the display of picture of iPhoto. iTunes is of right setting with harmony of connection, but transfer is as absent as attractive woman in Slovakian beauty contest.
A: Hmm. When plug of jack, is iPod of list with icon displayed with the certainty of arms akimbo?
Q: Uh… what?
A: When plug of jack… When iPod is in position of submission to USB male parts.
Q: Oh! Dirty intercourse of white cable!
A: Yes! There is icon of metal square with nipple.
Q: Metal square with nipple?! This being iPod of the shuffle!
A: Ack! My village elders to hit me with sticks of embarrassment!

Q: Apple’s Backup app, with terrible aforefront, will refuse the conduct, much as Slovenian women refuse the sex of their foul-breathed and grotesquely bearded men.
A: For Backup of the Apple, begin the pushing with roundly button of menu.
Q: It is with roundly Slovenian woman I would like to begin the pushing!
A: Ha-ha!
Q: Ha-ha!
A: Ha-ha!
Q: Ha-ha!
A: Ha-ha!
Q: Ahhhhh… Seriously, though, once you’ve had a plump Slovenian chick you’ll never go back.
A: Oh, reaaaaallly…

Fadell Has Screaming Tantrum.

In a disappointing sign of Apple’s executive team’s ability to effectively manage the company, senior vice president of the iPod division Tony Fadell had what child psychologists call “a tantrum” this afternoon.

According to sources, when told that his division would not be receiving the revenue for the iPhone upon its release, Fadell stomped his feet in protest.

“But it’s an iPod!” Fadell said. “It plays music!”

“Well,” CEO Steve Jobs explained gently, “So does the Mac. But the iPhone’s in a category of its own. For the time being, [COO] Tim [Cook]’s going to get the revenue.”

“But it’s an iPod!” whined an increasingly pouty Fadell.

“Uh, no it’s not,” Jobs said.

“Is so, is so, IS SO!” Fadell yelled, dropping to the floor and pounding it with his fists.

“It’s not really his fault,” Jobs said. “He had a lot of sugar earlier and didn’t get a nap.”

But Fadell isn’t the only executive with maturation issues. According to sources:

Tim Cook “acts out” in senior staff meetings.

Ron Johnson is on ritalin.

Donald Rosenberg sometimes doesn’t “use his words.”

Bertrand Serlet runs like a girl.

Apple’s stock dropped five points on the news, without the help of Engadget.

Another Speed Bump Coming.

Just days after speed-bumping the MacBook, Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that Apple will be deploying another speed bump this weekend.

Ironically, while all previous Apple speed bumps have caused things to go faster, this one will actually slow things down.

According to sources in Apple’s facilities organization, Cupertino road crews will spend Saturday and Sunday speed-bumping Infinite Loop at the request of COO Tim Cook to make traffic on the Apple campus safer for pedestrians.

“It’s no secret that we put this off for years because [CEO] Steve [Jobs] likes to drive at speeds approaching that of sound,” Cook said. “But now that we’ve finished the secret tunnel that lets him come and go as he pleases, we can address the safety of others.”

After an uncomfortable pause as the implications of of his statement sank in, Cook added “Well, he, uh, never really hit anyone. Hard.

“I mean, that guy’s already up and walking again. It’s just… it’s not a big deal.”

As is typical of Apple’s design philosophy, these will be no ordinary speed bumps. Sources say the bumps have been specially designed by Jonathan Ive and are made of advanced ceramics that will convert the pressure of the cars that pass over them into electrical energy that will help power the campus.

“They will also be gorgeous to look at,” Cook said. “Which will cause drivers to slow down even further.

“They will also smell like strawberries and champagne.”

Asked to comment about the speed bumps, Rob Enderle of the Enderle Group called them “reckless” and predicted that they would actually cause traffic to speed up on Infinite Loop.