Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
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Q: Hey, I’m going to Macworld next week! Can you provide any helpful hints about making my stay more fun, enjoyable and sex-ay?!

A: You bet we can! In fact, we’ll devote the whole damned Help Desk to it!

So, buckle your seat belts, undo your fly and put your iPhone on vibrate, because…

We’re goin’ to Macworld!

Tip #1 – Hotels do not provide their own mosquito netting. I have no idea why this is but you must bring your own mosquito netting. This is very important. The San Francisco mosquito is 8 inches long and travels in packs of up to 100. They can suck a human body dry in 45 seconds.

Tip #2 – Avoiding Killer Robots. This will be particularly important this year. The best tip is to get yourself some good tennis shoes and run as fast as you can the whole time you’re there. That’ll work well against the big, clunking robots. Unless they shoot lasers from their eyes. Which most do. However, it won’t work a damn against liquid metal robots. You could cover yourself in tin foil and pretend to be one of them, but they’ll start asking you stuff like “Who won the Robot World Series?” to make sure you’re really a robot and who the hell knows that? I mean the team names are all in hex, fer crying out loud.

Tip #3 – If you’re attending the keynote, you should know that Moscone Center security – at the request of Apple – does a full cavity search. And, uh, it’s considered common courtesy to the security personnel to… um… well… “clean yourself out” before hand. Ahem. Uh, there are several pharmacies located near the Moscone Center so… Well.

Tip #4 – If you’re looking to get into the keynote and you think a good way to ensure that you do would be to kill someone with a press or VIP pass, steal their pass and then skin them and wear their skin on you to throw security off even further, don’t. I can tell you from experience that it’s a mess. If you’ve never skinned something before it’s not as easy as you’d think and all that blood is going to draw a lot of attention. Plus, then you’ve got this skin of some Apple journalist lying around your house. And who the hell wants that?

Tip #5 – When Steve Jobs announces something cool, for god’s sake don’t squeal like a little girl. You look like an idiot.

Finally, and this isn’t so much a tip as it is a request, but please, please, please, if you have a Darling Furball t-shirt, make sure to wear it.

Don’t feel bad if I pretend not to notice you. It’s just because you people kind of creep me out.

So…

See you there!

CARS Exclusive Macworld Rumor!

While others claim to have the keynote outline, CARS has received a bona fide copy including comments in the border written by Steve Jobs himself.

Check it out.

Oh, and…

MUST CREDIT CARS!

9:15 AM – While eating a large waffle breakfast at the local Denny’s with Phil Schiller, suddenly look at watch. Say “Holy shit, Phil! We’re late for the keynote!” Race out of the Denny’s as – seemingly from nowhere – banjo music starts to play. [JOBS COMMENT: I don’t get this. Why would I do this? This doesn’t make any sense. It’s stupid. It’s absurd. You know Phil and I only eat at the Waffle House. Fix this.]

9:25 AM – Take the stage to thunderous applause. Pause for a moment and then wipe strawberry jam and whipped cream from the waffles off your face.

9:30 AM – Review the successes from the last year. After doing the same financial and market share and number of iTunes songs sold crap, say “And any of you remember… this?!” and pull out an iPhone. Strike a number of dramatic poses with the iPhone. Point index finger at random members of the crowd and cock your thumb at them like you’re shooting them dead with how unbelievably cool the iPhone is. Several smiling and scantily clad women will join you on stage as confetti and balloons with “iPhone!” written on them fall from the ceiling. Just when it seems to be over, start it all again for another 15 minutes. [JOBS COMMENT: Nice. Can I do a quick costume change before this into something more appropriate than turtleneck and jeans? Like, maybe a shiny green suit?]

10:00 AM – Introduce USB Silly Putty. Demonstrate how, like copying a comic strip with regular Silly Putty, you can just jam it into the USB port of a hard drive and copy the contents.

10:30 AM – Announce exclusive distribution deal with Jay-Z. Go on and on about how great Jay-Z is. Jay-Z, Jay-Z, Jay-Z. Bring Jay-Z up on stage. Isn’t he awesome? Thanks, Jay-Z. You’re great. [JOBS COMMENT: Yeah, OK, someone’s going to have to point out who the hell Jay-Z is to me. Unless he’s going to be wearing a sweat shirt or a sign or something that says “I’m Jay-Z”. I have no idea who he is. This whole thing was Joz’s idea.]

11:00 AM – Introduce new iPhone. New Tablet. New ultra-light laptop with docking station. Introduce people in the first row to the people in the second row. Introduce oranges to the Visigoths. Introduce Rob Enderle to the business end of your Nikes. Introduce pudding as a new Tuesday afternoon Snack Break at Caffe Macs. Finish by introducing a new dance called “the Stevetusi”.

11:30 AM – Ah, fuck, it’s John Mayer again. [JOBS COMMENT: Shit. I’m so sick of that jackass.]

See? That’s a keynote outline.

New Patent Filing Highly Revealing.

The Apple community is abuzz with news of a fascinating patent application the company filed for a laptop docking station which includes some extremely interesting concept drawings.

Whether this concept will ever reach production or not, there is one thing these drawings make clear: Apple is hiring seizure-prone elderly shut-ins to draw its patent art.

While declining to speak about the patent itself, Apple did admit that it was part of a California state program that finds employment for seniors.

“This is a fabulous program and we’re proud to be a part of it, said CEO Steve Jobs, who spoke to us by phone because of the robot blockade of One Infinite Loop.

“The single biggest benefit to us is that no one believes a word the elderly say,” Jobs said.

“Whether it’s ‘I fought the Kaiser, you know!’ or ‘Many a gentleman caller I had in my day!’ or ‘Apple’s working on an ultra-light laptop that docks into an iMac!’, their care-givers are just going to nod, roll their eyes and keep trying to shove Jell-O into their mouths.”

Jobs went on to note that when you add in the fact that their children never come to visit them and they’ll soon be dead, Apple’s secrets have never been safer.

“The Egyptians used to blind those who saw their designs. This is the next best thing. Actually, it may be better.”

In unrelated news, the AARP initiated a lawsuit against Apple today.

It really is unrelated. They think the scroll wheel on the nano is too “dag burned” small.

Macworld Canceled.

This is just coming off the wire and has forced us to shelve a detailed exposé on Chris Breen’s hair, but the staff Crazy Apple Rumors Site wanted to get it out as soon as possible so everyone would know that…

MACWORLD HAS BEEN CANCELED.

That’s right. Canceled. We know it’s disappointing but…

There it is.

Let’s all try to be grownups about it.

The reason, according to Apple, is that the announcement of the new Mac Pro and the new Xserve was a mistake.

“Yeah, Larry did that,” said an apologetic chief operating officer Tim Cook. “I told him about fifty times that it was next Tuesday but Larry is, well, Larry. Juice Box Larry we call him.

“Anyway, the Mac Pro and the Xserve are all we had, so… no Macworld. Sorry!”

But Apple is not, apparently, the only reason Macworld has been canceled. A quick check of recent press releases reveals the following:

  • San Francisco hookers announced they were raising their hourly rates for the whole week because “the damn Mac geeks just want to talk and won’t get down to brass tacks”.
  • The highly popular “Shower with Adam Engst at the Mosser” event has been canceled as Adam has come down with a bad case of athlete’s foot. Our best wishes to Adam for a speedy recovery.
  • Someone saw Rob Enderle in the vicinity of the Moscone Center.

Cook said that Steve Jobs would make it up to us by taking us all out for ice cream later in the year.

New Board Member Signals Bold New Direction For Apple.

Apple announced today that Avon CEO Andrea Jung would be joining the company’s board as its 8th member and only woman. The move signaled a bold new direction for Apple that is expected to further boost Mac sales and market share.

According to Apple, Jung will help the company implement a new sales channel consisting of licensed representatives who will go door-to-door selling Macs, iPods and iPhones.

Senior vice president of worldwide marketing Phil Schiller said “They’ll also harass the hell out of co-workers by circulating catalogs in the office with passive-aggressive notes and exhorting them to buy something and alienate their friends by throwing “Apple parties” where the pressure to buy something will be incredible!”

“It’s going to be great!”

“Steve was initially excited about the thought of giving away a pink Cadillac to Apple representatives, Schiller said. “He was pretty disappointed when I had to tell him that was Mary Kay, not Avon.”

Already people are lining up to become Apple representatives.

Lesa King, well-known as the talent behind David Pogue and the substantially better half of the host of Your Mac Life, said “I looked over their pamphlet and I’m going to sign up.

“If I sell 15 iMacs, I get a percentage of each one and a free iPhone. I mean, I don’t need an iPhone because I already have two, but at least it’s better than Pogue’s incentive plan which is ‘your incentive is that I don’t fire your ass’.

“Seriously. That’s what my employment contract says.”

Announcing Jung’s appointment, CEO Steve Jobs said that Jung would also help bring a positive new demographic to the Mac: fabulous babes.

“Look at our current demographic: pimply, awkward geeks who live in their parents’ basement. We’re going to change that. Sure, many of these babes are trashy MILFs…

“But, hey, trashy MILFs. Am I right? Sure I am.”

No one seemed sure when Jung was going to start, but for some reason you can sign up to be an Apple representative right now.