Author: CARS Staff

Apple TV Never Coming.

An uncharacteristically chastened Steve Jobs was forced to admit today that the Apple TV was, indeed, nothing but vaporware and will never be coming.

According to sources close to the usually mercurial Apple CEO, Apple TV is the product of his hyperactive imagination, invented of whole cloth and demoed through the use of smoke and mirrors (in several cases literally).

“Steve carved the demo units out of balsa wood,” senior vice president of worldwide marketing Phil Schiller told Crazy Apple Rumors Site. “He spray-painted them in his garage and even pressed the Apple logo and letters on the units himself with a special Letraset sheet. He made the whole thing up.

“Didn’t you?!” Schiller loudly asked Jobs, who was standing meekly next to him. Jobs winced and shuffled uncomfortably.

“And he’s a very, very bad boy!” Schiller added. “Don’t you have something to say to everyone who ordered an Apple TV?”

“I’m sorry.” Jobs mumbled, looking down at his Nikes. “But…”

“Oh, don’t you ‘but’ me, young man!” Schiller said. “Or I will give you something to be sorry about!”

“I said I’m already sorry!” Jobs whined. “And, hey, I write your review!”

“Don’t you sass me!” Schiller responded. “Just you wait until the board gets home! No more options for you, mister! And don’t even think about using the Lear jet. You are grounded!”

“Oh, this is so bogus!” Jobs replied.

Schiller said the company just didn’t understand where it went wrong with Steve that he would attempt to sell a product that was clearly impossible to manufacture.

When told that there were actually several other products already on the market that, while lacking Apple’s signature ease-of-use, provide similar functionality, Schiller cut reporters off and suggested they “talk to the hand.”

Other than Schiller, Jobs, several other executives and a bunch of engineers and people in marketing, Apple declined to comment for this story.

Apple Issues iPod Warning.

Apple managed to keep its nose clean during last year’s exploding battery excitement as many manufacturers were affected. But it may not be so lucky if the most recent problem with exploding hardware becomes an issue.

According to reports on Macintouch and Apple’s discussion boards, an iPod can explode if a user puts too many songs on it.

“When we say a 30 GB iPod holds 7,500 songs,” said senior vice president of the iPod division Tony Fadell, “We mean it holds 7,500 songs.

“Not 7,501. Or 7,550. Or 9,000.”

Suddenly serious, Fadell said “Please, for the love of god, don’t try to put 9,000 songs on a 30 GB iPod. Seriously. Don’t.”

Apple’s advised upper limit is apparently not restrictive. While iTunes will usually prevent a user from copying over the limit, in certain instances it will allow a user to copy more.

There is no way of knowing exactly how many songs you can safely put on your iPod, but a tell-tale sign of impending explosion is a noticeable bulging in the unit.

“If you see it bulging,” Fadell warned, “You’re going to want to put it down and, well, run.

“If you’re around some water, dump it in immediately. Or you can smother it with a pillow. Or a pet. This is no time to be sentimental. Then duck and cover. And if you catch on fire, drop and roll.”

Fadell admitted the company had not really worked out proper procedures for users who have put too many songs on their iPods but figured running and dropping and rolling couldn’t hurt.

Users are advised to gingerly pick up their iPod and gently scroll through to see how many songs they have on it.

Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I know you’re not really on the Security Bitch Watch beat anymore because, well, it’s March. But I was reading about the emails David Maynor sent to Apple and… wow. I mean, he initially contacts Apple about some wifi exploit but then he gives them code for a Linux exploit and then he won’t shut up about a Bluetooth exploit. What is up with this guy?

A: Well, as it turns out, David Maynor is actually composed of thousands of smaller David Maynors constantly competing for control of the larger construct we call “David Maynor.”

Q: Oh. You mean he’s schizophrenic?

A: No. I mean he’s actually made up of little people.

Q: Wow! But, I mean, shouldn’t someone like at MIT or the government or something capture him and stow him away in a facility somewhere and study him? You know, somewhere where he doesn’t have access to a Mac?

A: Well, yes. And, as a matter of fact, Crazy Apple Rumors Site would like to encourage all of its readers to contact their representatives and ask them to have David Maynor taken off to a top-secret S.H.I.E.L.D. facility for study.

Q: Awesome! Mine’s Ted Stevens so I just know he’s totally going to go for that!

A: Oh, man, I wish I had wacky representation.

Q: Oh, you do, dude. You do.

Q: I installed the iTunes update on two computers this week, one a Mac and the other a PC. Now here’s something that’s bothered me – I had to reboot one machine, and it wasn’t the PC. What’s up with that? I mean, why is Apple making its Mac-using customers do more work than its Windows-using customers?

A: Isn’t it obvious? iTunes on Windows is a mess.

Q: Hmm. Well, I guess that’s true. So, the reboot thing is just Apple’s way of making it all even out?

A: Well, that and it’s also that the piece that makes the Mac version of iTunes so much more stable is the part that requires a reboot.

Q: Oh. What part is that?

A: Hell if I know. Who do I look like? Bertrand Serlet?

Q: Mmm, no.

A: Do I look like Sina Tamaddon?

Q: Not so much.

A: Do I look like Tony Fadell?

Q: No. But, hey, what’s up with that dude’s Adam’s apple? Did he get punched in the throat or something? It’s, like, on the side of his neck!

A: No, no. I think he just swallowed a first generation shuffle.

Q: Oh. Why would he do that?

A: Some sort of executive hazing ritual.

Q: Oh, like swallowing gold fish.

A: Right. Man, I tell you what. Those guys are weird.

Q: I hear that.

Q: I’m a little concerned about this whole daylight savings change.

A: OK. Have you downloaded Apple’s operating system patch?

Q: Yes, but I’m just afraid something’s going to bite me and I’m not going to wake up on time to attend morning services at Our Lady of the Vaginal Yeast Infection.

A: Bite you? You mean like a venomous snake?

Q: Uh, no, just that my alarm won’t go off.

A: Oh. Well, OK, tell you what. Just apply Apple’s patch twice.

Q: Twice?

A: Yeah. So then you’ll be two hours ahead at least.

Q: Huh. Will that work?

A: Sure. Why not? I think it will. Maybe. I don’t know.

Q: You don’t really care about my concern, do you.

A: No. Of course I don’t. I mean, “Our Lady of the Vaginal Yeast Infection”? What the hell is that?

Q: Uh… we… believe in the miracle of the immaculate yeast infection.

A: …

Q: What?

A: That’s an oxymoron!

Q: That’s why it’s a miracle! Duh!

A: Mmm… you got me there.

New Apple Displays To Be Floating Screens of Teh Awesome!

Apple will unveil new displays next month that sources indicate will be teh totally awesome!

Crazy Apple Rumors Site reporters spoke to a number of individuals who, admittedly, have absolutely no inside information at all. But, if what these sources say is true, the new Apple displays will use startling new anti-gravity technology that will allow it to float at any height for perfect ergonomic placement.

“Apple has perfected a touch-sensitive hardware solution that is a micron thin and is made of anti-protons,” said Gordy, an unemployed 42-year-old who lives with his mother. “Which everyone knows defy gravity.

“Or maybe it’s leptons. Or… anti-leptons… I can’t remember.”

Larry, a 62-year-old greeter at a large national retailer that shall not be named, said “Apple’s new touch-screen interface brings the pure sexual glory that is Multi-touch to the Mac. It’s going to be a totally hot touching experience between man and machine.”

Unfortunately, Larry said that at the front door of Wal-, uh, the retailer, as a group of school children were entering and was immediately fired.

Also, he was stealing. But, you can’t really blame him since he’s 62 and they pay him, like, $5.75 an hour and make him work 80 hours a week.

Well, not anymore because he’s unemployed.

Meanwhile, Rudy, a…

Actually, we don’t have any information on Rudy.

But Rudy said “Apple’s new monitors are going to make sunshine brighter, puppies more prevalent and happy fun spring with flower of technology!

“I really got that off a Japanese t-shirt but I think it’s relevant.”

Apple refused to comment for this story but did not deny that this was all true, so it probably is.