CARS Staff

Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

It’s been a long week for us, so we’ll just take some quick questions about the hardware announced at the Macworld keynote.

Q: The iPhone uses GSM and not CDMA, despite the fact that CDMA is clearly a better technology. Why?

A: Steve Jobs loves simplicity and GSM has one fewer letter. Although, if one of them had an “i” in front of it, he would have picked that one because he loves style above all else. Except meth. He’s addicted to the meth. Next question.

Q: Why Cingular? Cingular ran over my dog and stole my lunch money. They said it was for data services, but I was going to buy some tater tots with it. Anyway, I hate Cingular.

A: All cell service providers are evil, lying sacks of alien pus who would rather suck us bone-dry of our precious bodily fluids than make our service experience pleasant. There are no good answers here and anyone in the comments who says “I love T-Mobile!” or some shit is a lying jackass or so jacked up on meth that they’re actually dialing on a Sesame Street phone and thinking they’re gettin’ great reception when they’re talkin’ to Elmo. The real answer is that Steve probably already used Cingular and didn’t want to switch.

Q: What the hell is the deal with Cingular CEO Stan Sigman? He read his keynote speech from index cards! Index cards! And he was wearing a Cingular blazer! What the hell is this, 1968?! Who are these people?!

A: Stan Sigman is president and chief executive officer of Cingular Wireless, the nation’s leading wireless carrier. He is responsible for all aspects of the company’s operations. Stan is an avid golfer and is known to his friends as “Stan” and sometimes “Stan the man.” Stan enjoys white bread, mayonnaise and long walks in the rain with his accountant, Herb Grossman, as they discuss Stan’s return for the current fiscal year. Stan is a Pisces and is allergic to shellfish.

Q: The Appletv is teh suck. It doesn’t even do HD. And I can’t download movies from it – I have to use my PC. My PlayStation is totally better. Hell, NetFlix is better.

A: Yeah. Or you and your jackass friends could just act out the scenes ad naseum! Oh, wait, that’s right… you already do! It’s no wonder none of you ever get laid. How many chicks do you think like to watch you and Branson do that scene from Starship Troopers? Here’s a hint: zero. Besides, your entire collection is on Beta, so what the hell are you talking about? How did you even do that anyway?

Q: I have a tape-to-tape! And Beta’s a superior format!

A: Next.

Q: I have a Blue & White G3 tower. Can I use that to stream video to…

A: Oh, give it up, Gordy.

Apple Community to Apple: This Relationship Is Smothering Us.

While most Apple fans heralded the coming of the iPhone, its announcement has prompted many in the community to wonder if Apple is starting to expect too much from us.

Shawn King, host of Your Mac Life said “First they asked me to love the Mac and I did. Then they asked me to love the iPod. So, yeah, sure, OK, I love the iPod.

“Now I have to love the iPhone? What’s next? Are they going to get a cat? I hate cats. And then they want me to meet their parents and then they want to move in with me.”

Others in the community echoed King’s concerns about where this relationship is going.

“Everything was going along just fine and then Steve starts getting all weepy,” said MacCentral’s Jim Dalrymple. “I hate it when you get into a relationship with someone and all of a sudden, out of fricking nowhere, they get all weepy on you. What a bunch of emotional blackmail crap. He’s just trying to manipulate me and I’m not playing along with these psycho mind games.”

Dalrymple paused for a moment.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Steve. I’m just… I’m just dealing with some shit of my own right now. I’m sorry. I’ll buy an iPhone. Just… stop crying. OK?”

The Apple community expressed surprise at the company’s recent turn toward clinginess and had wondered aloud if maybe it was time for it to just be apart from the company for a little while.

Then, however, it got drunk, went on a late-night shopping spree at the Apple Store and woke up the next to senior vice president of retail Ron Johnson.

No New Products to be Announced At Macworld.

In a surprising turn-around from yesterday’s news of a longer keynote, Apple sources are now telling Crazy Apple Rumors Site that no new products will be announced next Tuesday.

Apple will be announcing iLife 2007 and a speed bump for the Mac Pro…

…and that’s it.

Sources say that the time extension is so CEO Steve Jobs can work on some funny accents he’s perfecting.

“OK, OK, an excited Jobs reportedly said to a frightened intern he cornered recently. “This one’s a Mexican guy…”

“Don’t fire me, please!” the intern squealed, covering his face with his hands, dropping to the floor and curling up in the fetal position.

“You don’t like Mexican? OK, how about Guatemalan? It’s actually the same accent as far as I know, but it sounds trendier when you say ‘Guatemalan’.”

When reached by phone, senior vice president of worldwide marketing Phil Schiller said that recent developments have caused Apple to believe that it has reached a point where it can be content to be “lord of the manor.”

“We’ve decided to just let third parties make most of the hard products from now on,” Schiller said. “Cisco’s already announced the iPhone and now Other World is releasing a Mac tablet, so…

“Right now I’m just rolling in a pile of cash I got for working on the iPod. Can you hear that? That ruffling sound like leaves? That’s cash. This particular pile is mostly hundreds, but you should see the pile at Steve’s house. Some of it’s bearer bonds in really big denominations.

“He’s also got an air hockey table which is just awesome. I’ve gotta get one of those.”

While the company usually declines to comment for these stories, Apple spokesperson Cynthia Mclaren was willing to go on the record as saying that all the iPod money was making it really hard to stay motivated to produce crap for us whining ingrates.

Macworld Keynote To Be Longer Than Normal.

In an exciting turn of events, Apple has announced that this year’s Macworld keynote will be longer than the usual presentation.

This has caused rampant speculation that CEO Steve Jobs has significant announcements to make.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site has confirmed that this is in fact the case. Indeed, the keynote will not be two hours long as reported by other sites, but an astounding eight hours long. Attendees are advised to hit the latrine before entering, as the doors will be locked until the last startling revelation is made.

According to documents obtained by CARS reporters, Jobs will make the following earth-shattering announcements:

Apple is releasing not one, not two, but seventeen different phones, ranging in capabilities and colors. Maybe eighteen. Probably not twenty. Could be, though. Forty is not out of the question.
Stunning the audience, Jobs will reveal that the reason you can’t believe it’s not butter is because it’s actually butter and the people at Unilever have been lying to you.
Quickly contrasting that, however, Jobs will show that soylent green isn’t made from people, it’s made from soy. Just like it sounds.
Phil Schiller will take the stage and announce that he is made of meat.
Adobe CEO Bruce Chizen will appear ostensibly for a bake-off with the new CS3 beta, but instead will be fed to some angry possums.
Jobs will then announce an application suite that does everything CS3 does and faster. And it’s part of iLife and it only costs $70. And you get a small soda and your choice of soup or salad.
The soup is special space soup with magical space powers that turn you into an awesome super-cool astronaut. With chicks.
New full-touch-screen video iPod. And a tablet Mac Mac Mackity Mac thing-a-ma-bob that will cause Jason O’Grady to expire in sheer orgasmic pleasure right on the spot.
Of course, the long-rumored Apple perpetual motion machine. That’s a given.
Finally Jobs will promise that they’re really going to start working on sexbots this year. Really. They mean it. That’s what the whole “Welcome to 2007” thing was about in the first place.

After looking shocked and starting to say “Where did you get thi…”, Apple declined to comment for this story.

Apple Sued For "Mo-no-po-ly"

Apple’s recent filing with the SEC revealed that company has been sued for something called “mo-no-po-ly.”

Apple fans were at a loss to fathom what this heretofore unheard of transgression could entail.

“Does it have something to do with iPod battery failures?” asked Mac user Chris Shea. “I know a lot of people have gotten really pissy about the iPod batteries.

“Mo-no-po-ly, Shea said rolling the word around in his mouth. “Mo-no-po-ly. Mo. No. Po. Ly.

“Nope. Doesn’t ring a bell.”

Shea declined to be interviewed further as he was late for a deposition in a court case. While he considers himself a Mac user first, Shea is also an antitrust lawyer.

Many Apple web sites launched a counter-offensive against the claim while not fully understanding its basis.

“This is a specious argument that has no merit, wrote Daring Fireball’s John Gruber.

“Its specious nature will soon be revealed for its speciosity.”

Gruber would not admit to having received a Random House Word-A-Day calendar as a holiday gift, despite the fact that the January 2nd entry is “specious.”

Some have suggested that this “mo-no-po-ly” may somehow be related to the monopoly power exercised by Microsoft through its illegal and destructive stranglehold on the operating system market for sixteen years.

But all members of the Apple community agreed that that was just stupid.