CARS Staff

Disney CEO Reveals iTV Secrets.

Surprising news came from a surprising source today as Disney CEO Bob Iger revealed that Apple’s upcoming iTV device will have a hard drive.

Iger did not reveal whether the hard drive was just for caching streamed content or could be used for storage and retrieval, but he went on to detail several other features iTV will have.

“Steve didn’t go into many details,” Iger noted, “and I hope he doesn’t mind me telling you all this! Ha-ha! I’m kind of new at this! But it’s just that we’re very excited about iTV here at Disney.”

Iger said that the iTV will allow a user to receive wireless streams of alien broadcasts from the Gamma Quadrant featuring fearsome fights between different alien races which are wagered upon by disembodied brains soaking in some kind of brain fluid.

“We have an exclusive deal with the brains,” Iger said proudly.

According to the Disney CEO, the iTV will also allow users to watch movies in the bathroom, should they have a TV already in their bathroom.

“I guess that’s kind of obvious,” Iger admitted. “But I think it’s cool. I’m really looking forward to that.

“Not that I spend a lot of time in the bathroom. Now. I think I’ll probably spend more in there when I get my iTV. I just… think it’d be cool to watch a couple of scenes from, oh, Bubble Boy while you’re waiting…

“Well… never mind.”

Crazy Apple Rumors Site would like to remind Apple followers that getting their rumors from a guy who hangs out with Goofy is if not a step down from getting them from Ryan Meader at least a lateral.

Mac Users Switching Back to IE.

ZDNet reported late this afternoon that a security flaw in Internet Explorer is being exploited by porn sites. ZDNet warned that the flaw could be used to install adware featuring lots and lots of porn.

Tonight, all across the Macintosh community, users are struggling to reinstall Internet Explorer before randomly surfing the Internet hoping to get hit by an adware installer.

“Crap!” said iMac owner Darren Siers. “How the hell do you install IE again? I mean, is it in the Tiger disks? Can I get it from Microsoft? Where does one get an install program for a six-year-old web browser?”

Crazy Apple Rumors Site reporters were at first uncertain why Mac users didn’t simply avail themselves of any of the ubiquitous free porn to be found on the Internet.

“Part of my sickness is that I like them to force it on me,” Siers admitted glumly while attempting to find Microsoft’s Mac download page.

“C’mon… c’mon…

“C’mon! Darren needs a spanking!”

Turning to reporters, Siers said “Uh… can you leave now?”

Vista Making Threats.

According to ZDNet, Cisco executives feel that Windows Vista is “scary”.

“Parts of Vista scare me,” [Cisco chief technology officer Bob] Gleichauf said at the Gartner Security Summit here on Monday.

Gleichauf said publicly that the yet-to-be-released Microsoft operating system may create just as many security issues as it solves, but sources indicate that Vista has also been threatening technology executives.

“Vista just barged in here the other day,” said a visibly shaken executive at a prominent database software company who declined to be identified for fear of reprisals. “It said ‘This is a nice place you got here. It’d be a shame if something were to happen to it.’

“Then it took a picture off the wall, smashed it over my laptop and said ‘Oops.'”

As a result the firm is expected to announce Vista compatibility next week.

Stories of the Microsoft operating system throwing its weight around have been making the rounds as criticism of the Vista delays and reduction in feature set have grown louder.

“Vista’s angry, man,” said a source who would only talk to Crazy Apple Rumors Site on the condition he be lit from behind. “I’m scrambling to make sure our hardware’s going to support it, but it’s a little hard when my fingers are broken, you know?”

Microsoft declined to comment for this story but did lower its sunglasses briefly to glare at reporters.

No Help Desk tonight.

Sadly, it has come to our attention that if Steve Jobs were traveling northbound on de Anza Blvd riding on the back of Steve Wozniak’s dorky-assed Segway at 5 MPH and a semi truck filled with sheet metal, broken glass and rabid raccoons was traveling southbound on de Anza Blvd at 175 MPH, and the two collided, Jobs would probably be killed.

And, I guess, so would Wozniak.

Which, I guess, would be sad and all.

But, whatever, let’s get back to Jobs.

Steve Jobs is perhaps the most valuable asset Apple has. More valuable than the Mac, more valuable than the iPod and more valuable than the alien technology the company stole from Xerox in 1978.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site has seen the writing on the wall. A little less than a year ago, Tim Cook was promoted to Chief Operating Office in a move that many saw has positioning him to take over should Jobs be forced to step down, disappear mysteriously or just go all King George.

Or, for that matter, go all Boy George. Nobody wants to see that either.

With Cook standing in the wings, it is up to us as Apple fanatics to make sure that he is successful should the need arise for him to ascend to the Apple throne. He will face withering media criticism for the singular flaw of not being Steve Jobs. We need to have his back.

As the site largely responsible for developing the cult of Phil Schiller, Crazy Apple Rumors Site is taking it upon itself to lead the charge to “sex up” Tim Cook.

We know we can count on your full support in this endeavor.

Now, let’s take a look at what we’ve got to work with.

…

Oh, for…

Oh, come on!

What is that?

Sheesh.

OK, Ugluk, put another pot of coffee on. This is gonna be a long night.

If you’ve got suggestions for sexing up Tim Cook, please post them in the comments.

I mean…

C’mon! We’re not miracle workers!
We have other matters to attend to.

In the comments, help yourselves.

To… uh… some…

…pie?

Apple Loses New iPod Shuffle.

Disappointing news from Apple today may have dire implications for the company’s first fiscal quarter.

According to sources, the company has lost the new iPod shuffle.

“This is very embarrassing, said director of iPod product marketing Stan Ng. “It was around here somewhere and now we can’t find it.

“It’s very small. It’s probably just under something.”

Ng has ransacked his office several times looking for the shuffle, but to no avail.

If Apple is unable to find the shuffle before its October release, it may seriously impact its iPod sales volume for the holiday season.

Several times over the course of a half hour, Ng asked coworkers to survey his body to make sure he hadn’t accidentally clipped it somewhere.

“It’s not on my ass, is it?” Ng asked a visibly uncomfortable administrative assistant. “Look at my ass. Is it on my ass?

“Loretta, c’mon! Look at my ass!”

Other sources believe it’s possible that Marsha in accounting used the entire 500,000 shuffle inventory to clip vendor invoices together before they were sent offsite for storage.

“No, I didn’t look at the clips I used,” Marsha said defensively. “I just do what I’m told. Hal says I gotta clip the invoices together, I clip them together.

“At the end of the day, Hal’s just asking me if I clipped the invoices together. He’s not asking me what kind of clips I used. Sheesh.”

Apple still expects the shuffle will turn up shortly and can’t believe it lost it.