CARS Staff

Highlights of Apple Quarterly Conference Call.

Apple announced a profit of $472 million in its third fiscal quarter today, beating analysts’ estimates.

The company also reported a 32 percent increase in shipments of iPods and a 12 percent increase in shipments of Macs.

Apple CFO Peter Oppenheimer told analysts the company does not expect to have to post any material adjustments for the third quarter resulting from the ongoing investigation into stock option irregularities.

Oppenheimer further noted that iPod sock sales have continued their slide since their introduction, but expected that they would be flat for the current quarter as they’ve gone to zero.

In another interesting piece of news, Apple’s Cupertino campus was apparently overrun by wild boars early in the quarter, forcing a temporary evacuation and a hasty call to animal control.

After order was restored, the incident was followed by an impromptu luau.

Oppenheimer told analysts that all Apple employees will be given the day off on August 18th so the entire company can attend the opening of Snakes on a Plane.

He closed the call by revealing that next Tuesday, Apple will announce a new video iPod, a tablet device and a low cost laptop for inner city youth.

And that CEO Steve Jobs wears women’s underwear under that turtleneck and jeans.

Oppenheimer said that he wasn’t really supposed to reveal any of that, but he just couldn’t keep it to himself anymore.

Hackers Crack Apple Movie Rental Scheme.

Just hours after news hit the Macintosh community that Apple would be adding the ability to rent movies through the anachronistically named iTunes Music Store, hackers in Finland announced today that they have hacked the DRM that causes the rental to expire.

This is a particularly astounding feat as Apple has not even announced the feature, let alone released the actual DRM system that would make it happen.

Speaking through an interpreter, Finnish hacker MaxHax0r said “It was a simple matter of listing all the possible crappy-assed DRM schemes you can think of. Then you toss out the crappiest-assed ones as those are going to be in Microsoft’s new online video rental service and taking the next crappiest one. Then we stayed up all night working on cracking it.

“I mean… it’s Finland in the summer. I can’t tell day from night right now anyway.”

While refusing to confirm that movie rentals were in fact coming to the iTunes Music Store, an exasperated Steve Jobs chastised the hackers.

“You’re the reason we can’t have nice things!” Jobs said, angrily pointing in the general direction of Finland.

“You know, I go to a lot of trouble to make something nice for you and you just try to get more. I would love to deliver you a magical movie download service where you could burn all the copies for your friends you want and edit out the stupid endings – like in the Abyss – and put in your own way cool endings – like with a car chase and a nude scene with Salma Hayek – but it just… isn’t… possible.

“These movie people are really unreasonable. They wouldn’t even talk about my idea about how Capote would have been better with a giant robot with huge lobster claw hands that cut freight trains open like tin cans, and rocket launchers in its eyes and rotating saw blades for teeth.

“And it would have really… big… big…

Cupping his hands in front of his chest, Jobs said “…tits.”

Pausing, Jobs sighed heavily.

“I have vision. Why can’t these movie people see that?”

For his part, MaxHax0r was unconcerned about Jobs’ opinion, stating something in Finnish about Jobs that, when translated literally, comes out to “That female cur believes she can avail herself of my teeth cleaning device.”

Mac Developer Challenges Gates to Wager.

In South Africa last week, Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates made some much-noticed comments about the supposed January release of Windows Vista.

Seemingly laying the groundwork for a delay in the operating system’s release, Gates said he would be happy to hold Vista should the beta program reveal problems.

Judging by his application of this standard, Gates has apparently not been involved in any other Microsoft beta program since the company’s inception.

Gates went on to say that he was 80 percent sure that Windows Vista would ship in January. This lackluster vote of confidence prompted Delicious Monster CEO Wil Shipley to challenge the Microsoft Chief Technologist to a bet of $10,000 that Vista would slip yet again (link via TUAW).

Shipley’s announcement of the one-sided dustup brought out a rather surprising number of anti-Shipley trolls, their origin unknown.

While many commenters praised Shipley on both his personal blog post regarding the proposed wager and posts on other blogs referencing it for tilting at windmills, a vocal minority complained that Shipley was an “attention whore” and a “douche bag.”

“This is just a pathetic attempt at self-promotion,” commenter Anonymous Coward said when reached by phone. “And, as everyone knows, self-promotion is immoral.

“Take me, for example. I posted my comment under the name ‘Anonymous Coward’ so as not to make this all about me. Because it’s not about me. It’s about Wil Shipley and what a douche bag he is.

“Now, yes, ‘Anonymous Coward’ is also actually my given name, but it looks like a pseudonym, so it’s really the same thing.”

Asked if he worked for Microsoft, Coward quickly became belligerent and then hastily explained that he had “to hang up now, but only because he wanted to beat the afternoon traffic going west over the 520 bridge.”

But Coward’s comments were backed up by other commenters who were also certainly not Microsoft employees.

“This is all just a sales ploy!” warned commenter MSTrollBot4000.

“Shipley’s using his blog to generate attention to himself!”

MSTrollBot4000 claimed that this is not the first time the Delicious Monster CEO has absconded with sacred Internet resources in an attempt to stuff his already overflowing coffers.

“Look at that ad over there in the CARS right column for Delicious Monster. He paid you guys money to sell his software! He’s totally using you!

“What a douche bag!”

Others were unsure what to think of Shipley.

“Gosh,” mused Mac user Jeff Levitas, who read about Shipley’s challenge on Daring Fireball. “I’d hate to think that the huge emotional investment I’ve made in this online wager that I’m not a party to and has zero chance of being accepted has been misspent on some cynical ploy to gin up software sales.

“I just wouldn’t want to think we live in a world where someone would do something so awful.”

Apple declined to comment for this story as it wasn’t really involved at all.

Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I was reading this bullcrap yesterday from this douche bag who says that the Mac OS isn’t invulnerable to malware and that it’s only going to get worse. Man, that is such crap!
A: Well, I think it’s pretty difficult to say categorically that if the Mac OS continues to have success that it’s going to be just as vulnerable to malware as Windows, but it’s clear that OS X has benefitted from not being such a magnet for hackers.
Q: What the hell are you talking about?
A: Well, I think it might be harder on OS X than on Windows, but I bet if you were determined, you could write a piece of malware for any operating system.
Q: What?!
A: The Mac OS is probably more secure, but it’s not invulnerable.
Q: It is so invulnerable!
A: Um… you seem to be taking this a little personally.
Q: OS X is the one true and beautiful thing in my life! Why would you try to take that from me?!
A: Oh, c’mon. That’s not true. You’ll always have your collection of pretty porcelain ponies.
Q: Well… that’s true…

Q: I’m using Java, HTML and Apache on my Power Mac G5 to create a web site for a client that has an underlying database in MySQL. I’m creating Java Beans that access the data, but I’m having trouble maintaining a solid connection to the database. What am I doing wrong?
A: You might look at the version of the MySQL connection driver you’re using in…
Q: You know… what this all really might get down to is just that I’m not happy with my job.
A: Uh…
Q: You know that feeling when you wake up one day and you realize that you just don’t want to be a web developer anymore?
A: Not really, I…
Q: What I really want to do now is go to film school.
A: Well, have you checked the connection string?
Q: I mean, I don’t know anything about making movies. I’ve never worked on a movie. Or in the theater. It’s just, I like going to movies and how hard could it be?
A: I was going to suggest checking the MySQL user name and…
Q: I dunno. I like animals, too. Maybe… maybe I should be a veterinarian.
A: Oh, hey! If you really like animals, why don’t you be a bear?
Q: What? That’s stupid. I can’t be a bear.
A: Well, sure, but I think it’s just about as likely as you being a movie director or a vet.
Q: I… I could be a vet.
A: Nuh-uh.

Q: Hey, speaking of bears, I was thinking that Apple’s just about run the gamut on big cat names for OS X…
A: Well, there’s still Cougar. And Lion.
Q: No, no. Those are both stupid. They’ve used all the good ones. Anyway, I was thinking they should turn to bears! “Mac OS X Grizzly” would rock!
A: Yeah. Yeah, that’s a good one. But… um… what would they use after that?
Q: Uh, well, there’s… uh…
A: “Panda” doesn’t really strike fear into anyone. Plus, I don’t even think they’re really bears. I think they’re, like, big raccoons or some shit.
Q: Well, black bears are kind of cool.
A: “Mac OS X Black Bear”?
Q: Hey, it’s not my fault that bears are stupid!
A: Well, what other animals are cool?
Q: Um… Hey! Sharks are wicked cool!
A: Oh, yeah! Like “Mac OS X Mako”!
Q: Yeah! Or “Mac OS X Hammerhead”!
A: Or “Mac OS X Tiger”!
Q: Yeah! Oh. Wait…
A: Oh, no… wait…
Q: That’s…
A: Maybe sharks aren’t the right thing.
Q: Yeah.
A: Huh.
Q: Well… what about monkeys?
A: Um… I don’t think so.

Apple Gives Up On Searching For Leaker.

Apple announced today that it has discontinued its search for the person responsible for the leak of confidential information related to the project code named “Asteroid.” Published reports of the leak had prompted the company to sue AppleInsider and O’Grady’s PowerPage, suits it has decided not to pursue any further.

Sources at Apple indicate the decision was made after it was realized that no one could remember what “Asteroid” really was and what it was that had been leaked.

“Phil? Do you remember?” a visibly confused CEO Steve Jobs asked Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller.

“Whoo,” Schiller said. “Sheesh. Kinda puttin’ me on the spot here, Steve!”

Pursing his lips, shifting his weigh from one foot to another and crossing and uncrossing his arms, Schiller looked pensive for several moments.

“Nope. I’m drawing a blank. I got nothin’.”

“Me, too,” Jobs said. “Kind of embarrassing! Ha-ha! Boy, I really made a big fuss over this. You’d think I could remember what it was all about…”

“Didn’t it have something to do with iLife?” Chief Operating Office Tim Cook chimed in.

This suggestion however only prompted more blank stares and heavy sighs.

“Mmm, maybe not,” Cook said.

“Was it a tablet device?” asked CFO Peter Oppenheimer.

Jobs, Schiller and Cook squinted at him quizzically.

“No,” Oppenheimer said. “No… er…”

“Wasn’t it sort of a thing that connected to other things and had some kind of other connection for this one special thing?” head of Mac hardware engineering Peter Mehring offered.

“I remember it was white,” Chief Designer Jonathan Ive said, prompting nods from everyone.

“Sure.”

“Yeah.”

“Duh.”

After another prolonged silence, Jobs said “What the heck was that thing?!”

Whatever the device was, Apple insists that it was all worthwhile.