Author: CARS Staff

Investors Sue Apple For Too Many Law Suits.

Reacting to recent news that the company is being sued for stock option grant irregularities, a group of investors today filed suit against Apple for facing too many lawsuits.

“Apple is currently the subject of no less than 5, 28 lawsuits,” said Marcus Gregory, Chief Investment Strategist for the State of California Teacher’s Pension Plan, one of the plaintiffs in the suit.

“This has a negative effect on the value of the company’s stock. We are initiating this lawsuit to recuperate our losses of potential income.”

While “loss of potential income” may not sound like much of a legal footing, Apple has already been sued by someone who feared his iPod could damage his hearing.

Seriously.

As its star has risen in recent years, Apple has seen the number of suits against it skyrocket, many of them baseless.

For example, contrary to what has been claimed in some of these suits, it is highly unlikely that Apple

  • Fathered a love child with an 18-year old woman from New Rochelle, NY. It was more likely that dratted Ronald from across town who was always coming by.
  • Built Stonehenge in the third century B.C. and won’t give up its secrets.
  • Leaked the identity of Valerie Plame and the details of several government spying programs. And then tried to sell the formula for Coke to Pepsi. And peed in the pool.
  • Shot JFK.

Apple stock was down 2.69 on the news of the new suit.

“See?!” Gregory said.

iPod Still So Totally Doomed.

As analysts continue to wet themselves in excitement over the impending release of the Microsoft iPod killer, details about the device continue to trickle out.

An article by the Seattle Times’ Brier Dudley says that the Microsoft Windows Media Player 11 Portable Media Player Device Media Player Media Player Media Player, coded named Argo, will be much more than just an MP3 player. It will also act as a wireless platform for games like the PSP.

Strangely, it will also leave little raisins around your house like an Angora bunny.

The device is not yet complete according to Dudley, but it’s scheduled for release for the holiday shopping season and may be being rushed so that it can be announced at Microsoft’s July 27th meeting with financial analysts. Given the company’s track record in meeting deadlines and its ability to turn out quality X.0 releases on a rush schedule this can only spell doom for the iPod.

Or it could spell “xkljadefklja;vjadk.”

But, in yet another sign that the iPod is like so totally doomed, Microsoft will offer license parity for songs already purchased from the iTunes Music Store, so you can bring your music with you to the Microsoft Windows Media Player 11 Music Download Service. This will amount to a $1 billion giveaway simply to entice users to the new service – a steep price for any company – but Rob Enderle of the group of the same name indicates Microsoft “is wicked boss and has magical powers.”

How this will be accomplished technologically is that the Microsoft Windows Media Player 11 Music Download Service will log on to the iTunes Music Store, view what songs you already own and transfer those assets to their Microsoft Windows Media Player 11 Music Download Service counterparts.

Microsoft expects Apple to send them the fully documented API for how to do this any day now.

Just in case you still don’t believe the iPod is doomy-doom-doom-doomèd, analysts predict that the strength of the Microsoft Windows Media Player 11 Music Download Service will be its ability to play music on a whole mess of devices that were designed to do something else, which consumer are known to love to do.

Many analysts are recommending that iPod users just go ahead and sell their iPods right now while they still have some value and listen to their old vinyl LPs until they receive their new Microsoft Windows Media Player 11 Portable Media Player Device Media Player Media Player Media Player. If rumors are true, Microsoft is just going to go ahead and buy one for each and every person on the planet.

“They could totally do that,” said Rob Enderle. “Totally.”

Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: My iMac recently had a hard drive crash and I’ve been trying to get my data back. I went to the Apple Store the other day to talk to the Genius and I got all this grief for not backing up. I’m trying to solve my existing problem and he’s all gettin’ up in my grill and…
A: Oh, no, no, no. Dude. Dude. No one says “gettin’ up in my grill” anymore.
Q: What? Oh. Really? I thought that was phat phresh.
A: No. And neither is that.
Q: Oh. OK, then, Hammertime, what are people saying when someone gets in their face?
A: “That bitch thinks she can use my toothbrush.”
Q: What?
A: “That bitch thinks she can use my toothbrush!”
Q: You’ve gotta be kidding.
A: No. See, when you’re at the Apple Store and the Genius is riding you for not backing up, you wait until he walks off and you turn to the customer next to you, roll your eyes and say – really loudly – “That bitch thinks she can use my toothbrush!”
A: Even if it’s a dude?
A: Oh, especially if it’s a dude.
Q: Well… I’m not saying that.
A: Or, if he’s standing right in front of you, you yell as loudly as you can, “BITCH! You think you can use my toothbrush?!”
Q: That doesn’t mean anything!
A: Look, I don’t make these up. I’m just telling you that this is what the kids are saying.
Q: The kids on crack maybe.
A: Oh, dude, the kids aren’t doing crack anymore. They’re all freebasing Strontium 38.
Q: …
A: …
Q: Do you have any idea what you’re talking about?
A: Dude, don’t come whining to me because the kids are all calling you Chester because you’re not freebasing Strontium 38 and yelling “That bitch thinks she can use my toothbrush!”

Q: I have an Intel Core Solo Mac mini that I’m trying to get Windows XP running on. I’ve successfully formatted it for dual-boot with Boot Camp, but I’m having trouble configuring the Windows drivers for my Dell monitor. The system gets hung up when…
A: Whoa, whoa, whoa, there cowboy. We don’t do Windows here.
Q: What? But this is a Mac mini.
A: Well, yeah, but your conflict is between Windows XP and your Dell monitor.
Q: But it’s on a Mac mini.
A: But that’s like having your car break down on a bridge and calling a construction engineer instead of a tow truck.
Q: W-what? No, my problem is on a Mac! A Mac mini! Not a bridge!
A: That… that was an analogy.
Q: Are you going to fix my Mac mini or not?!
A: I don’t think there’s anything wrong with your mini.
Q: But my monitor doesn’t work! It hangs the system!
A: Is there someone else I could talk to there?
Q: Uh, well my dog is here.
A: Put him on.
Q: Rarf?
A: What the hell is the matter with him?!
Q: Rarf-rarf!
A: I know! How do you stand it?!
Q: Rafr-rarf! Rrow-row-row-row-row!
A: I dunno man. Have you thought about just running away?

Q: Well, surely you’ll take Ubuntu questions.
A: Ubuntu?! Of course! Ubuntu!
Q: OK. Well, I recently converted to Ubuntu from OS X and installed it on my Intel-based iMac.
A: Of course you did! Ubuntu!
Q: Uh… yeah. Well, anyway, I’ve been having some problems getting sleep to activate. I think there are some settings I can alter to specifically tell Ubuntu what…
A: Ha-ha! Ubuntu!
Q: Uh… well, see, I’m having some trouble…
A: Ah, but is it not always such between men and the operating system they love?! The operating system known as Ubuntu?!
Q: … got this configuration issue…
A: Oooh! Ubuntu is harsh mistress, is she not?! At once terrible and lovely! All worship her!
Q: Um… do you have any experience with Ubuntu at all?
A: Ah-ha-ha-ha! Ahhhhh…. uh… no. Not in the least.
Q: Yeah. I was starting to get that.
A: I just think it’s really fun to say. Ubuntu!

Microsoft Planning iPod Killer.

According to numerous reports today, Microsoft – after failing with third-party hardware vendors – is set to release an iPod killer of its own for the holiday shopping season.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site sources indicate the device will be called the Microsoft Windows Media Player 11 Portable Media Player Device Media Player Media Player Media Player.

The Microsoft Windows Media Player 11 Portable Media Player Device Media Player Media Player Media Player will come with a stunning new feature: the ability to download songs wirelessly. This feature is certain to leapfrog the iPod provided that time stands still between now and Christmas.

Microsoft has also implemented an easy-to-use system for downloading music to the Microsoft Windows Media Player 11 Portable Media Player Device Media Player Media Player Media Player. Crazy Apple Rumors Site has obtained an advanced copy of the instructions for the new device:

  1. To download a song, click on the Start menu on your Microsoft Windows Media Player 11 Portable Media Player Device Media Player Media Player Media Player.
  2. Navigate to Programs then Connectivity.
  3. Find the Microsoft Windows Media Player 11 Music Download Authentication Setup Wizard and launch it.
  4. Call the Microsoft Windows Media Player 11 Music Download Authentication Activation Hotline. Please be prepared to provide the serial number of your Microsoft Windows Media Player 11 Portable Media Player Device Media Player Media Player Media Player, your credit card number, your social security number, Pete Rose’s on-base percentage for 1973 expressed in hexadecimal, and the 15000 KB representation of your personal genome.
  5. Type the 128-character code you receive from the certified Microsoft Windows Media Player 11 Music Download Authentication Activation Hotline specialist into your Microsoft Windows Media Player 11 Portable Media Player Device Media Player Media Player Media Player using the optional full-sized keyboard. If you did not purchase the optional full-sized keyboard, use the Microsoft Scroll Panel to select the appropriate ASCII character code for each of the 128 characters in your activation code and enter it using the Microsoft ASCII Character Selection Button, found right next to the Microsoft Unicode Character Selection Input Actuator in the lower left section of the section of buttons reserved for inputting character codes. If your thumb cramps up, please ask a friend to finish entry for you. Entry must be completed in 30 seconds or the code is invalidated and you need to start over.
  6. Congratulations! Once activation has been achieved, you’re ready to start the process of moving toward the process before the process where you’ll be able to download your first song! From the Start menu…

It pretty much goes on like that.

Also, near the end, the company warns that it can delete your music at any time if it thinks your Microsoft Windows Media Player 11 Music Download Authentication Code is invalid or “has too many threes.” The company, apparently, does not like threes.

After users have successfully navigated Microsoft’s easy-to-use system and have reached the company’s music store, they will find a myriad of exciting music, TV shows and movies that have all been DRM-ed up the ass.

One beta tester for the product indicated that the song he was listening to was so DRM-laden that it had become distorted.

“It sounds like some sort of nonsensical throaty warbling. It doesn’t even sound like music anymore.”

The source paused, looking down at the confusing mash of items displayed on the screen of his Microsoft Windows Media Player 11 Portable Media Player Device Media Player Media Player Media Player.

“Oh, wait. I think this is just Creed.”

To date Apple has not expressed any concern over Microsoft’s repeated attempts to kill the iPod, unless yawning loudly is how some people express concern.