Author: CARS Staff

Developers To Mac Users: "Just Boot Into Windows."

As many pundits and members of the Mac community feared, Apple’s decision to allow dual booting of Macs into Windows has caused all OS X developers to abandon the platform. Across the board, developers are telling those who find the OS X environment infinitely more appealing: “Just boot into Windows.”

“This is exactly as I feared, said Jerry Kindall. “This move to Intel has been the death knell for Apple. Developers have no reason to develop for the Mac when they can easily tell users to spend several minutes rebooting into a crappier operating system that they hate to use.

“It just makes good business sense.”

Experts expect that, at the rate developers are telling users to “just boot into Windows”, within three years the only reason to boot into Mac OS X will be to move some files around with the Finder, play Chess and enjoy brushed metal interfaces.

The situation is so bad that even developers whose applications are OS X-only are telling users to “just boot into Windows.”

“I don’t know why I did it,” said Brent Simmons, developer of NetNewsWire. “I don’t even make a Windows version. What would my customers do after they boot into Windows? Use someone else’s application? Guess I’d better get working on a Windows port.

“You know, I keep thinking there was some reason I decided to develop for the Mac instead of Windows but I just can’t seem to remember what it was…”

Developers have also asked that Mac users hit themselves over the head with a ball peen hammer for no apparent purpose.

Apple To Offer Other OS Choices.

After last week’s blockbuster announcement that Apple would support dual-booting of Intel-based Macs into Windows, Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that the company does not intend to stop there.

According to sources, Apple’s new policy will be that Mac owners are free to use whatever sucky-assed operating system they feel like, including:

  • Windows
  • Linux
  • OS 9
  • Be
  • OS 2
  • DOS
  • Whatever they use to run voting machines*
  • The Slavi OS, an operating system themed after popular Bulgarian entertainer Slavi.
  • He’s sort of like a Bulgarian Ed Sullivan.

In fact, the only operating system the company won’t allow users to run is the AmigaOS because it’s so fricking boss.

“Pardon the pun,” said Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller, “but if you want to poke yourself in the eye with a sharp stick, it’s no skin off my apple.”

Some believe that Apple is simply supremely confident that its OS is so superior that users will quickly learn who is, in fact, their daddy.

“Apple provides the best user environment available,” said Senior Vice President of Software Engineering Bertrand Serlet. “There’s really no reason to use anything else.

“But if you want to run Windows CE on your Mac mini and rub broken glass in your eyes and shove ticks in your ears while putting chili oil in that paper cut…

“Hey, knock yourself out.”

* Turns out that’s Windows again.

Spring break!

Whoo-hoo! Yeah! Spring break! Alright! Par-tay! Whoooooooooo!!!

Crazy Apple Rumors Site will be off this week for our annual drunken festival of sexual encounters followed by bitter recriminations in Ft. Lauderdale or Daytona Beach or anywhere else there are chicks and liquor and fast cars and…

Um…

Actually, we’re staying home and doing our taxes.

But we’re totally having a drink after we’re done. Totally.

What’s your week look like?

Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site is thrilled to announce that – in honor of Apple’s 30th Anniversary tomorrow – all of today’s questions will be answered by none other than Apple CEO Steve Jobs! It’s quite a feather in our caps and we’ve spared no expense to bring you the full experience what what Steve sounds like answering help desk questions in text format.

So, take it away, Steve!

Q: Steve, I’m a lesbian with a tremendous rack and I also happen to be a Mac mini owner. My question is, when I’m lathering up my partner – who also has a tremendous rack – in the shower and I want to switch iTunes on my Mac mini from playing Iron Butterfly’s “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida” to Barry White’s “I’m Gonna Love You Just A Little More Baby”, is it safe to use the Apple Remote in the shower?
STEVE JOBS: …
A: Steve? Steve? Um…
STEVE JOBS: …
A: Oh, dear, I think we’ve lost Steve already.
Q: Oh, whatever will I do?!
A: Steve may not be able to help you, but please stay on the line. For the love of god, whatever you do please stay on the line.

A: Steve? Are you back?
STEVE JOBS: I’m sorry. I fell out of my chair.
A: That’s entirely understandable. I’m terribly sorry. That was a tough first question. We’ll try to make this one a softball!
STEVE JOBS: Thanks! That’d be great. I usually have a staff of people who do this kind of thing for me. I’m not even sure why I agreed to this.
A: Probably because we’re holding hostages.
STEVE JOBS: Oh, that’s right. I was having so much fun I forgot.
A: Let’s move on to our second question quickly before the police show up!
Q: Steve, I’m a long-time Mac user who likes fine ladies with big butts. I have a G4 PowerBook I bought last year and my question to you is… do you like a big can?
STEVE JOBS: A…
Q: A big can. A whole lotta bootie. You know… has your baby got back?
STEVE JOBS: I thought you said this was going to be a softball question.
A: What do you mean? I don’t think they get any easier than that.
STEVE JOBS: I’m… I’m just not comfortable answering these kinds of questions.
A: Ooh, I see! I think that’s answering without answering.
STEVE JOBS: What?
Q: Oh, yeah! I hear ya loud and clear, Steve!
STEVE JOBS: I didn’t say anything!
A: I’ll just make a note that says “Yes, Steve likes a big can.”
STEVE JOBS: No! No! No note!

A: OK, Steve, last question and, you know, I think this has been a little hard on you so I’m going to make this one really easy.
A: Uh… sure. Whatever.
Q: Steve, you’ve long been known as a “mercurial” executive with a penchant for firing people at the least provocation. Don’t you think having such a short fuse makes your positions as CEO of Apple and the largest shareholder of Disney untenable in the long run?
STEVE JOBS: That’s it! This Q & A is over!
A: Steve?! Steve?!
Q: Uh…
A: Hmm. Well, Steve seems to have stormed off.
Q: Wow.
A: Yeah. I thought for sure we’d get him at “big cans.”
Q: Me too.