CARS Staff

Junior Apple Executives Whipping Pennies At Cars.

The government reported today that U.S. productivity fell at a -0.5 annual rate in the fourth quarter and, as if to accentuate this decline, several junior Apple executives were seen standing on de Anza Blvd. whipping pennies at passing cars this afternoon.

Around 2:00 PM Pacific time, Worldwide Director of iPod Product Marketing Stan Ng, Senior Director of Desktop Product Marketing Tom Boger, Vice President of Application Marketing Rob Schoeben and several other unidentified junior Apple executives were standing along the main thoroughfare in front of the Apple campus drinking Mountain Dew fortified with rum. Periodically they pulled pennies out of their pockets and whipped them at passing cars, laughing derisively.

The group ran off only once when old man Jenkins stopped his 1960 Buick LeSabre to lean out the window and shake his fist at them.

“Goooooooood damn punks!” Jenkins yelled.

While old man Jenkins was willing to stand up to Ng and his posse, Apple’s senior executive corps has so far declined to.

“I’ve washed my hands of the whole thing,” said CEO Steve Jobs. “If they want to waste their lives by causing mischief, strutting about in those tight leather pants and riding around on those scooters… whaddaya call ’em… mopeds… that’s their decision.”

Asked why Jobs did not make sure that this behavior reflected negatively on their performance reviews, he laughed sardonically.

“Oh, please! Then they’d be moping around here, sighing heavily, stomping their feet and otherwise acting like ungrateful wretches. I’d rather have them out there on the street.

“I’d rather have them out there on the street!” Jobs shouted, pounding his fist on the table.

After a pause Jobs said “No, that’s terrible. I don’t mean that.”

Apple Asking Intel Users To Switch Back.

After published reports of problems with Intel-based Macs, Apple was forced to concede today that the entire switch has been an abject failure.

“Clearly because of these issues, the switch to Intel has been an unmitigated disaster,” said Apple CEO Steve Jobs.

“We advise customers who have purchase an Intel-based Mac to stampede in an unorderly fashion to the nearest Apple Store – waving their hands over their heads and screaming at the top of their lungs – to get a PowerPC-based Mac.

“If you must step on the backs of elderly people who have fallen down in front of you,” Jobs continued, “please do not hesitate to do so. The stability of your computing experience should not be held hostage by the old or infirm.”

There has been some speculation that Apple would further ask users to switch back to OS 9 in order to insure that they do not suffer from either the recently released Oompa-Loompa Trojan or the Safari shell script execution exploit.

While not necessarily representative of the views of Apple Computer as a company, some advocated going even further.

“Your best bet is an SE/30 running System 6.0.8,” said Peter Mehring, head of Apple hardware engineering. “That’s a rock-solid computing environment. The SE/30… now that was a machine. That’s what I use.

“People these days go on and on about ‘protected memory’ and ‘multitasking’ and… um… ‘hot swappable drive bays’… which sounds vaguely dirty to me. ‘Hot swappable.’ Disgusting.

“Really, we should have stopped making computers in 1989. That’s why I, personally, haven’t done a serious day’s work since then.”

Apple is feverishly trying to find a vendor to crank out PowerPC chips and reportedly has settled on a couple of guys living in rural Michigan who own a metal press.

Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: Hey, I was reading your site yesterday and did I read that right? Is Schiller really going to Lenovo? I mean… is he moving to China?
A: What? We wrote what? When?
Q: Um, yesterday. You wrote that Schiller was getting sold to Lenovo.
A: I’m afraid I don’t know anything about this “yesterday” you speak of. I can only assume that it’s part of some grand scheme to make us look bad within the highly respected Apple rumor community.
Q: … The whatnow?
A: The highly… Look it doesn’t matter. What matters is you’re a lying scumbag and your words are meaningless to me.
Q: Uhhh… OK! Well. I’m… glad we had this chat.
A: Whatever. Lying scum.

Q: I’m a long-time Mac user and I’m wondering if you can confirm something that I’m concerned about.
A: Well, we’ll give it a shot.
Q: My current machine is a 1.33 MHz PowerBook and I’m expecting to upgrade to a MacBook Pro. What I’m concerned about is my immortal soul.
A: Your…
Q: Immortal soul. I mean… I’ve been using a PowerPC for my entire computing lifetime. It was always good an pure. I even have a Power Computing Sluggo poster. But… these Intel-based things… Does using an Intel chip mean that Satan has full rights to my soul? I don’t have time to read the whole Apple EULA…
A: No, no, no. This is a popular misconception among Mac users. Using an Intel chip doesn’t mean Satan owns your soul.
Q: Oh. Phew!
A: No. I mean… he can play with it a bit.
Q: What?
A: Well, you know. Sort of bat it around. Flick at it. That kind of thing.
Q: Oh. I see.
A: Yeah, but unless you’re using Windows, no, he doesn’t own it.
Q: Uh… thanks. I think.

Q: Look, I don’t understand why you have a help desk on Friday night. It makes no sense. I mean, Battlestar Galactica is starting right fracking now. And it’s the fracking first part of the fracking season finale! Do you fracking understand me?!
A: Well, you’re obviously upset because you’re swearing like a Colonial Warrior. And, not coincidentally, a tremendous geek.
Q: Well I have a problem I need help with and I’m missing Battlestar Galactica!
A: Wh-why? I’m watching it.
Q: You’re… you’re what?!
A: Yeah. It’s pretty tense right now. Sharon’s going to help them plot a rescue mission to Caprica and Roslyn’s about to debate Baltar.
Q: No! No! Don’t tell me!
A: Yeah. And there’s something going on with the chief. He’s got a gun and… OH, MY GOD!!!
Q: No! No! OH, MY GOD! I GOTTA GO!
A: …
MACGRUDER: You just did that to get out of answering the last question.
A: Shhhh. Season finale.

Apple To Announce Disney Deal.

Earth-shattering news tonight as Crazy Apple Rumors Site has confirmed rumors that Apple is in talks to acquire Disney.

CARS has learned that on Monday Apple will announce an eight-way deal to acquire Disney, one that will also send slugger Juan Gonzalez to the New York Mets and require the U.S. to cede Orange County, Calif. to Finland.

According to sources close to Apple CEO Steve Jobs and actor William Shatner, Apple will trade Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller to Lenovo for cash considerations.

The cash – which will not be inconsiderable for an executive of Schiller’s stature – will then be used to help fund a purchase of Disney and, for some reason, a six pack of Old Milwaukee. The SEC – because of rules instituted after the release of The Terminator in 1984 – will mandate that Disney sell off all the animatronic characters in its theme parks to prevent Apple from using them to create a breed of super-powerful, killer robots.

The animatronic characters will be sold to the Seattle Mariners where they will be guaranteed to be ineffective. The Mariners will send Ichiro to the Indians who will send Gonzalez to the Mets. The Mets will then trade Victor Diaz and two minor leaguers to the Angels. California will send Orange County to Finland and Finland will go out to lunch with some friends and then go see Finnish crooner Ville Valo.

Sources were unable to say for sure what Apple would then do with Disney, but there was some thought about making little games for the kiddies.

Jonathan Ive Out Of Ideas.

Apple’s announcements Tuesday served to verify disturbing rumors from Apple that chief designer Jonathan Ive is completely out of ideas.

According to sources, the rectangular shape of the iPod Hi-Fi fits a pattern Ive has fallen into of resorting to products shaped like simple rectangles.

“The iPod? Rectangle. The G5 iMac? Rectangle. The Cinema Display? Rectangle.

Ive apologists have pointed to the Mac mini.

“When you look at the Mac mini from above, it’s a square,” said Kurt Rickenbacker, president of the Jonathan Ive Fan Club. “A square is not a rectangle.”

Sadly, the rules of geometry in this universe do not agree with Rickenbacker.

“A square is a kind of rectangle,” said Steve Howes, Professor of Mathematics at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology.

After a long silence Howe said “Um… sorry?”

Sources within Apple product development say Ive has struggled lately to come up with solid designs that aren’t rectangles.

“Working on the iPod Hi-Fi was a trying time for Jon,” one source confided. “He spent hours holed up in his office, hunched over the drafting table, tossing one crumpled up piece of paper after another over his shoulder.

“Finally he came out and said ‘Ah, screw it. Let’s just make it a rectangle like everything else.”

Ive’s review, written by CEO Steve Jobs and forwarded to Crazy Apple Rumors Site by disgruntled Apple human resources personnel, reads in part:

Jon needs to work on more shapes. For the past two years it’s been rectangle, rectangle, rectangle. We’d love to see Jon come up with a product shaped like, say, a rhombus or other parallelogram and then build his way back into non-linear shapes.

Ive has reportedly taken to staring at curved objects for long periods of time, hoping for inspiration.