8:56 AM – We’re in! Music playing. What is that? Hole? Who cares? People taking pictures. Tension building.
I’m actually sitting next to Gruber. And the universe has not exploded. Weird. Sometimes physics surprises you.
I was apparently the last person to pull out their iPhone and try to get on so I have no EDGE connection. Everyone around me surfing and I just have a little blue box with no E in it. I am the saddest Macworld attendee.
OK, not really. The dude on the other side of me is using a Dell. He’s the saddest Macworld attendee.
9:10 AM – No Jobs. I’m starting to wonder if they were able to make it through the robot blockade.
9:12 AM – Large explosions. Feist song playing. Robot parts flying everywhere! This is it! The lights dim! The Cyber Apocalyse ends now!
With an “I’m a Mac” ad.
Ah. So not with a bang but with a whimper. Well, except for all the banging.
But they did it! Apple won the Cyber Apocalypse! The robot forces have been defeated!
9:14 AM – Jobs takes the stage! He’s got a robot head in his hands! It’s Kent’s head! He rips out the Central Plexor and throws it to the ground! He stomps on it! The crowd goes wild! Outside we can hear a whirring sound as thousands of robots power down!
STEVE JOBS AND APPLE ARE TRIUMPHANT!
YAY!
…
OK, now Steve will tell us about 2007’s results.
He says he has 4 things to talk about today.
5 million copies of Leopard. Fabulous response. “Larry, for example,” Jobs says, “bought a Family Pack. Thanks, Larry.”
Huh? Who the hell is Larry?
All big apps native on Intel with Office release. Microsoft is this year’s Adobe.
9:18 AM – Companion product for Time Machine – Time Capsule. But is it a tiny Time Capsule? Mmm, sort of medium-sized. Server grade hard drive. Full Airport BS. You can back up all your Macs to it. If you’re into that kind of thing. Hot backup action.
Jobs says it’ll have a 500 MB drive? What? That doesn’t seem very good.
9:21 AM – iPhone! Sold 4 million iPhones to date. In the first quarter of shipment, iPhone market share was second at 19.5%. BUT, market share is like 99% among the highly coveted poser demographic.
SDK coming, but new features available today. Maps with location. Web clips, customizable home screens. SMS multiple people at once, chapters, subtitles, languages in video. Lyrics for songs. Can now get hot enough to make toast. Comes with a fruit cup. Makes its own gravy.
Steve demos. Steve says “zschoom.” We have a new sound effect! Repeat, we have a new sound effect! “Boom” is out, “zschoom” is in! Please update your Jobs references accordingly!
Steve’s SMSing Schiller, Scott Forstall, Tony Faddell and some other dude. This presentation needs more Schiller.
Steve demoes the ability to add a web clip as a link to iPhone home screen. I think his choice of using a site called “Lusty Plumpers” is a little questionable.
Oh, crap, you can move icons around on the home screen. That means my son is totally going to screw up my phone.
9:34 AM – The iPhone’s Google maps now show you where you are by triangulating your position using WiFi hot spots and cell towers. Also, Apple has someone following you. Sure. Didn’t you know that? Apple’s had someone following you for years. I know you’re shocked, but secretly, inside, it explains a lot, doesn’t it? How they know so much about you… your hopes… your fears…
You know it to be true. Search your feelings.
iPod touch owners pay $20 for these features as a software upgrade.
Start bitching…. NOW!
9:36 AM – iTunes. Sold 4 billionth song last week. 7 million movies. 1 copy of “Yahoo Serious”.
Really? Wow. There’s a call back.
Hmm.
Movies.
A better way to deliver movie content: iTunes movie rentals. They have an astounding FIFTEEN MOVIES AVAILABLE!
Steve says “Blades of Glory” was a particular favorite of his. Funny. I would have thought he’d be more of a “Superbad” kind of guy.
Oh, no wait. Lots of movies. 11 studios total – every major studio.
1000 films by February. Can watch them anywhere. Macs, iPhone, PC, iPod. In your pants.
Technology! Whisky! Sexy!
30 days to start, 24 hours to watch. 48 hours to watch any movie with Ben Afleck. Because he’s that bad. $2.99 for older releases, $3.99 for new release.
Apple TV? He didn’t say Apple TV. I’m going to ask. I’m raising my hand.
Steve?! Oh, STEVE?! Sheesh. He can hear me. I know he can. Why won’t he answer? He’s ignoring me. That is so like Jobs.
OK, he’s getting to it. It’s OK. It’s OK, everyone. He’s getting to my question.
Apple TV Take 2. No computer required. Rent movies directly. DVD quality or HD. Applause.
NERDS!
Download podcasts directly. Photos from Flickr and .Mac. $1.00 more in HD. For $1,000,000.00 more, the actors come to your house and act it out. That’s very reasonable.
Steve loves the old Star Trek movies?
NERD!
I mean, I love the old Star Trek movies. That’s fine for me to love them. But I don’t want Steve to love them. Steve should be better than that. Higher. And immutable force.
Not some pimply faced Trekkie. Trekker. Whatever.
NERD!
Steve waits until Will Farrell does his crotch grab before cutting away from Blades of Glory. Oh, Steve. You don’t need to be such a prude with us. Our hard drive are full of porn! Ha-ha!
Steve’s searching for Linkin Park. Right. First Star Trek and now Linkin Park? Can these demoes have at least some basis in reality?
Steve demoes looking at pictures on .Mac. You can see your own pictures or other peoples’ pictures. And if you click “Rent” you can rent the family!
Beautiful movie of a family scuba diving vacation on a coral reef. Where’s the movie of the drunken, bitter recriminations at Christmas dinner?
Oops. First glitch. He’s able to blame it on Flickr, though, so it’s cool. A stagehand breaths a sigh of relief as he will live another day.
Free software upgrade. THANK YOU, STEVE! I was so sure he just made my Apple TV a useless piece of crap. Not that that’s what it was. Price drop to $229. Shipping in two weeks.
First studio to sign up was 20th Century Fox. And here comes the chairman! Jim Gianopulos. Will he be this year’s Stan Sigman?
Nah. He’s a Hollywood player. He can talk, baby. Oh, yes, he can talk.
He’s no Stan Sigman. Sir, I listened to Stan Sigman. For three long hours. You sir, are no Stan Sigman.
I kid Stan, but in his defense I’m sure he’s a terrific golfer. Definitely a handicap under 10. Gotta be.
10:07 AM – THING NUMBER 4!!!!
“There’s something in the air”.
Yeah. What the hell is that? That thing in the air? Phew.
Oh, laptops. The MacBook Air. The world’s thinnest notebook. Other so-called “thin” laptops you may have heard of weigh 3 lbs, are up to 1.2 inches thick but have 11 or 12 inch screens and are only 1.2 Ghz. The MacBook Air is .76 inches at its thickest. The thickest part is thinner than the thinnest Sony. Thinny thin thin. Es muy thin. Sehr thin. Steve takes it out of an internal company routing folder. On the outside it says “TO: STEVE. FROM: DOES THIS APPEASE YOU? PLEASE DON’T FIRE US.”
13.3 inch display. iSight camera. Full size keyboard. Backlit. Each key is a delicious Chicklet. Mutlitouch gesture support. Demoing those gestures, oddly all with pictures of fabulous babes. OK, not oddly.
“How did we fit a Mac in here?” We didn’t! We left the Mac out! It’s just a mockup! 80 GB standard – 64 GB SSD. Intel Core 2 Duo 1.6 GHz standard up to 1.8 Ghz. A 60% smaller chip. So those of you who like big party-sized chips, you’re out of luck. No dip, either. Dip is a USB optional add-on. Comes in Zesty Salsa and Cool Ranch.
Paul Otellini comes up and gives Steve a chip. Mmmm. “This is awesome technology. And delicious!” USB 2, Micro DVI, headphone jack. No optical drive. Powered optional optical drive for $99.
Scott McNulty behind me is now oohing and ahhing for great effect. What a card.
Battery life – 5 hours. Probably because it’s a piece of cardboard with a printout of a Leopard screen taped to it. That’s probably why the battery life is so good.
$1799. Shipping in two weeks.
Steve’s starting to lose his voice a little. Someone get him a lozenge. STAT!
“We have an ad. Would you like to see it?”
Uh, I dunno. What about you, Gruber? McNulty? David Morgenstern? Do you want to see it? Glenn Fleishman?
Nah. We don’t need to see it Steve. That’s cool. We’re good.
Addressing the environmental concerns, Steve notes that the entire MacBook Air is edible.
That’s thing number 4.
“NOW GET OUT!”
Musical performer this year: Randy Newman.
Randy performs a politically incendiary piece which the crowd seems uncomfortably approving of. Last year John Meyer did “Waiting On The World To Change” and now this. Pretty soon Steve is just going to have people come up and harangue the crowd for 20 minutes.
“I’ll always root against corporations because that’s just the way I am. But not this one.”
9 out of 10 communists agree: Apple rocks!