Category: Apple Community

A new study shows that men are more likely to be overconfident about online security than women.

Most people will not find this surprising. Also not surprisingly, Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that the researchers also found that Mac-using men are even more overconfident, both about online security and other things.

“I’d be concerned about online security,” said Your Mac Life host Shawn King, “but I already know that I’m totally impervious to malware. Because I’m using a Mac. I mean, duh.

“I also have a very large penis,” King added. “Really quite tremendous.”

As it turns out, King’s outlook on online security and the size of his unit was not unusual for men in the Mac community.

“What’s great about using a Mac is the fact that there are zero viruses,” said Macworld’s Peter Cohen. “I can surf any site, download any file I want with utter impunity. It’s great being a Mac user.

“And my junk is simply huge. Ask anyone.”

Bynkii.com‘s John C. Welch concurred.

“I don’t really have anything to say about online security,” he said, “but I’d just like to point out that I, too, have a long and lustrous penis.”

Female Mac users reportedly rolled their eyes upon hearing the findings.

The Apple rumors community was thrown into tumult today as Think Secret announced that as part of an agreement with Apple, it would be closing its doors. Today will be known as “the Day the Rumors Died”.

Except for those from this site, of course.

And Apple Insider.

And, well, Mac Rumors.

And…

… the rest.

But this monumental event simply serves to drive home that the Apple rumors world is shrinking. Every day, or every 200 to 700 days, another Apple rumor site is felled as a mighty oak falls in, um, Oak… land.

How could this happen?

Many Apple followers were quick to jump to one of two conclusions – that Think Secret was either forced out of business or bought out of business.

But it takes the trained eye of a rumors site editor to note certain tell-tale signs. Signs that point to one conclusion and on conclusion only.

Nick Ciarelli (né “dePlume”) was coerced against his will to shut down Think Secret by killer robots bent on destroying the Apple ecosystem.

What?

No. No. No.

No, look, any reputable naturalist will tell you that things that feed off of other things, or even the waste of other things, things that actually do things as opposed to the things that are feeding off of them, yes, even these things are part of the ecosystem.

They’re called para… Um, para…

Well, I forget what they’re called.

Anyway, let’s take a look at not just what Think Secret said in its press release, but what it didn’t say. What you notice immediately is they didn’t say anything about killer robots.

Don’t you think that’s odd?

I think it’s odd.

It all becomes clear when you look at the subtext.

Apple and Think Secret have settled their lawsuit, reaching an agreement that results in a positive solution for both sides.

Subtext: “HELP! I’m being held hostage by killer robots!”

As part of the confidential settlement, no sources were revealed and Think Secret will no longer be published.

Subtext: “OH, DEAR GOD, THEIR PINCERS ARE DIGGING INTO MY FLESH! I MUST DO THEIR EVIL BIDDING!”

Nick Ciarelli, Think Secret’s publisher, said “I’m pleased to have reached this amicable settlement, and will now be able to move forward with my college studies and broader journalistic pursuits.”

Subtext: “MY ONLY HOPE IS TO ACCEDE TO THE DEMANDS OF MY CRUEL METAL CAPTORS AND ASSIST THEM IN IMPLEMENTING THEIR VICIOUS, CALCULATED PLAN!”

I just don’t see how you could read it any different than that.

No, rumoristas, do not blame Apple for the death of Think Secret. Blame the clanking metal terrors that are the architects and executors of the Cyber Apocalypse.

But on the outside chance that it wasn’t them and Apple really did buy Think Secret off, I haven’t made a secret of fact that we’d be willing to stop publishing for a Cinema Display.

In case anyone wants to make us an offer.

ANNOUNCER: Live, ANNOUNCER: And now, Michael Dell and George Ou. The award is determined by secret ballot by a secret committee of Apple community luminaries and can take place at any time. The committee is convened when a klieg light that sits atop the super-secret CARS headquarters is lit, shining the outline of a pair of men’s briefs in the sky. The process is both thoughtful and deliberate. When a pundit is nominated, the process can take days or minutes, but is audited by the accounting firm of PricewaterhouseCoopers. If a pundit is selected, a pair of briefs is hoisted on the CARS flagpole and the wedgie is delivered immediately and with extreme prejudice by several pre-selected members of the Apple community on call in the nominee’s geographic area.

[APPLAUSE AS MASAKO LEAVES THE STAGE.]

THOR: Thank you, Masako. Now, tonight’s award is a bit of a surprise. Who could have expected in the waning days of 2007, staring down the barrel at another exciting Macworld keynote, with Apple firing on all cylinders, that we’d see a work of such jackassitude that it would bring us all together here tonight. To present tonight’s award, I’d like to turn the stage over to CARS Editor-In-Chief John Moltz. John?

[MOLTZ APPEARS WEARING A GREY SUIT WITH FLOOD PANTS, WHITE BUCKS AND A RED BOW TIE.]

MOLTZ: Thor, when I first read about tonight’s late entrant, I believe Screaming Yellow Zonkers literally came flying out of my nose. I was eating Screaming Yellow Zonkers at the time and such was the force of my astonishment that the screen of my PowerBook will never be the same.

Rarely is a work so breathtakingly blinkered, so astoundingly ill-timed and yet still so fucking long. But even more rarely is it also keyed with the rhetorical reserve of a junior high school English Composition student.

Let’s take just a small look at some of this entrant’s work that has earned him this award.

Yet this is also a dangerous moment for Apple. In a way the company has never seen, the barbarians are massing at the gates. From hardware to software to services, major competitors with serious R&D and marketing budgets are laying siege to the House of Jobs.

In an age increasingly defined by interoperability and technical collaboration, Jobs still refuses to license Apple’s operating system.

He won’t allow music and videos downloaded from iTunes to be played on other MP3 players.

… MacWorld [sic] …

And there’s so much more. So, it is with great pleasure that I announce that this indeterminately periodic Apple Community Wedgie goes to…

Fast Company’s Adam L. Penenberg!

[THE CROWD ERUPTS IN APPLAUSE. AS THE CROWD APPLAUDS, A VIDEO MONITOR DESCENDS FROM THE CEILING ABOVE THE STAGE. IT SHOWS PENENBERG HANGING DEJECTEDLY FROM A COAT HOOK BY HIS UNDERWEAR, WHICH APPEARS TO BE A PAIR OF WHITE BOXERS WITH LITTLE RED HEARTS ON THEM. PENENBERG WAVES UNCOMFORTABLY, WINCING.]

Isn’t that great? It truly is a sign of a community coming together and saying “Holy fucking hell, you really are one tremendous jackass.”

Back to you, Thor.

THOR: Thank you, John! Well, I’d just like say what a privilege it’s been to MC this event tonight. It’s gratifying when the Apple community comes together and we here at CARS are pleased that even during the Cyber Apocalypse, we can all take the time to make a difference in someone’s life. By hoisting them up by their U-trow.

I want to thank you again for coming out. You’ve been a great audience. And now, I’ll leave you with…

THE SOLID GOLD CARS DANCERS!

[THE SOLID GOLD CARS DANCERS TAKE THE STAGE. LIGHTS SWEEP THE AUDIENCE AND PENENBERG CONTINUES TO WAVE UNCOMFORTABLY. MUSIC PLAYS. PAN OUT AND CUE COMMERCIAL.]

The parents of everyone in the Mac community are proud to announce that all their sons and daughters are engaged to Ars Technica’s John Siracusa.

While one glowing review after another of Siracusa’s Leopard review were still warm from the digital presses, it was the Mac community and Siracusa who found a warmth growing between them.

“I really got the sense they loved my review and, consequently, me,” Siracusa said. “So, we had a little dinner, went to a movie, one thing led to another and…

“Now we’re getting married!”

For its part, the Mac community expressed its undying love for Siracusa and his reviews, as forum posts and blog comments overflowed with remarks such as “You know his reviews are good because they’re so long!” and “He must be smart because I have no idea what he’s talking about!”

It was the review that nurtured a love that defied social norms.

While many were at a loss to explain how the engagement of a technology writer and an entire community could come about, one person thought he had the answer.

“This really just kind of snowballed,” said a sheepish Phil Schiller.

“I just got sick of everyone going on and on about how much they looooved Siracusa’s Leopard review – which in many parts was quite critical of Leopard – and what a literary god Siracusa is and Siracusa, Siracusa, Siracusa! So, I said to the Mac community, ‘Well, if you love him so much, why don’t you marry him?!’

“And, um, here we are.”

The wedding date is set for January 15, 2008. The Mac community will wear white and Guy Kawasaki will give the bride away.

As exciting as the Leopard roll-out has been, it has also been revealing. The writing of several so-called “journalists” has revealed them to be willing tools of various nefarious forces.

Most disappointing of all is the venerable Mac publication TidBITS which has been shown by clever readers to be in league with pro-one world government organizations.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site has prepared the following graphical depiction of how TidBITS fits into the global conspiracy.

As you can clearly see, TidBITS is the key propaganda arm of the One World Government forces which send their black helicopter brigades to extract the precious bodily fluids from Mac users which they then give to their Emperor Gallagher.

As difficult as it is to fathom, TidBITS has also been caught supporting Microsoft, absurdly claiming that Apple took technology cues from features that are in Vista.

Ha-ha-ha!

Ab-surd.

Microsoft, as everyone knows, is in league with Satan who is worshipped by Al Gore who works in support of One World Government forces who gave him the Nobel Prize.

The circle is closed.

Also, one of Satan’s key operatives on Earth is killer beavers.

When contacted, TidBITS attempted to deny the truth, of course.

“The idea that TidBITS is affiliated with one world government forces is absurd,” said Jeff Carlson. “We do, of course, have tremendous respect for Brother Al because, well, Adam [Engst] is a communist.

“I think that’s fairly obvious. But that doesn’t mean he wants one world government. He wants lots of small communist governments.

“And it’s just Glenn [Fleishman] who really likes Microsoft so much.”