Category: Apple Community

iPod Allegedly Sets Man's Pants On Fire.

According to reports late last week, an iPod nano ignited in the pants of Hartsfield-Jackson Atlanta International Airport employee Danny Williams, sending flames shooting up his body.

He was not seriously injured which granted WSBTV free license to refer to the incident as Williams’ “15 minutes of flame” [Editor’s Note: That. Is. Awesome. Kudos to you, WSBTV!].

The Apple web community – sensing a potential black mark on the pants of Apple’s reputation – went into a level 10 Artie MacStrawman alert and leapt to the nano’s defense.

Because that’s how we roll.

“I’d like to know more about his pants,” said Daring Fireball’s John Gruber. “Were they cotton? Polyester? Some kind of blend? Different pants have different ignition thresholds, you know. A poorly constructed pair of corduroys, for instance, will combust all on their own if the wearer has meaty thighs. Really. I read that in Gentlemen’s Pantaloons Quarterly. Yes, I am a subscriber.”

Gruber then challenged Williams to ignite a pair of pants in a controlled environment using an out-of-the-box nano.

Bynkii.com‘s John C. Welch took a break from his honeymoon to ask “What is it with these iPod-tards?! First the iPod’s battery doesn’t hold enough of a charge and now it holds too much?! Which is it, people?!”

Noted author Dori Smith asked “Has anyone considered how Steve Jobs feels about this? I bet he feels horrible. Just horrible. Poor Steve. He works so hard. It’s a shame something like this should have to happen to him.

“Steve, I mean.”

While not coming down strongly anti-Williams, Merlin Mann mused “I’m sure there are a lot of people who would, at least metaphorically, love to have themselves ‘set on fire’ by music. In that regard, Williams is a very, very lucky man.

“Also, it strikes me that getting burned horribly by an iPod truly is a first-world problem! People in the third world can only dream of something like that! Ha-ha! Am I right? Because, um, they don’t have lithium. Or, possibly, even ions. I’m not sure about that. I’ll have to ask Alex Lindsey.”

It should also be noted that no one knows if Williams was vigorously rubbing the iPod inside his pants in some sort of heat-generating act of perversion.

When reached for comment, Apple announced that it would be releasing flame-retardent iPod pants that will sell for $125 a pair. Strangely, the company said that only Apple-branded flame retardent pants will “work with” the iPod and that everyone would have to buy their pants from Apple from now on and not some other pants because their pants were special and just shut up and fork over the $125 already.

Testimonial.

California resident Timothy Smith has filed a lawsuit over Apple’s bricking of the iPhone, a move that lends credence to a recently published series of how-to books.

As Daring Fireball correctly noted, Smith is one of the first to purchase both of Crazy Apple Rumors Site Editor-In-Chief John Moltz’s new books, Take Control of Being A Whiny-Assed Apple Customer The Missing Manual for Dummies and Take Control of Suing Apple The Missing Manual for Dummies.

Smith is, obviously, a highly satisfied customer and offered this testimonial.

Hmm. That’s not it. That’s a chicken.

Oh, wait, here it is.

Ah, crap, that’s not it either.

Hmm.

Oh, wait, actually that is it.

Huh. That’s weird.

Still, you can tell how satisfied he is.

That’s because he’s followed the Take Control of Being A Whiny-Assed Apple Customer The Missing Manual for Dummies and the Take Control of Suing Apple The Missing Manual for Dummies 12-step programs for releasing your inner jackass and being all the douche you can be. The programs clearly work, just look at Timothy Smith.

Well, OK, he hasn’t made any money off Apple yet. But at least the first few steps work.

So…

Read the books!

They should be on Amazon any minute now.

Seriously.

There’s obviously a market.

CARS Announces New Books!

Crazy Apple Rumors Site and Giant Squid Publishing, LLC, are proud to announce a new series of books written by Editor-In-Chief John Moltz! Dubbed the “Take Control of the Missing Manual for Dummies” series, these books will show you how to wallow in the gutters of the Apple community and be the biggest succubus you can be.

While other book series by other “authors” attempt to “inform” you about “features” and “ways” you can use software or hardware “products”, the Take Control of the Missing Manual for Dummies books will encourage you to let your id run amok through a vast technological landscape formed by people who actually do something for a living instead of living in their parents’ basement like you do.

Let’s take a look at the first two books in the Take Control of the Missing Manual for Dummies series!

Take Control of Being A Whiny-Assed Apple Customer The Missing Manual for Dummies will show you, the whiny-assed Apple customer how to leverage your inherent ability to bitch, bitch, bitch. Whaaaah! The iPod’s battery runs out after five years! Whaaaah! Apple bricked my iPhone after I took a soldering iron to it and installed a bunch of crap I downloaded from a Nigerian web site!

Sure, you already sound like fingernails on a blackboard to anyone within earshot, but how can you weasel your way up to annoying bloggers, members of the press and even Apple executives?

Read the book!

Next up:

Hey, who wants to get in on some of that sweet Apple lawsuit action?!

Everyone, that’s who!

But I hear you saying, John, I’m a Linux user and I don’t own an Apple product because I’m too fricking cheap to own a decent Unix-based desktop! Whaaaaah! I’m not going to score free money!

Well, that’s an Apple lawsuit right there! Hey, if someone can sue Apple for $1 million over a $200 price drop, you can surely sue them for the pain and suffering caused by seeing people prancing around with fancier Unix-based desktop systems.

Read the book!

For some reason these aren’t on Amazon yet, but keep checking back!

Any day now.

That’s what my agent says, anyway.

Bungie To Leave Microsoft.

Members of the Apple community are rolling in feather pillows tonight and rubbing themselves with Crisco as reports indicate that Bungie is leaving Microsoft and becoming an independent game developer again.

Despite Game Informer’s claims that Microsoft will retain first right of refusal on all future Bungie games, Crazy Apple Rumors Site sources say that Bungie will return to being a Mac-first developer. This news brought a near orgasmic response from long suffering Mac gamers.

[Editor’s Note: I cut the near orgasmic response from Mac gamers. It was icky. It’s bad enough that I had to read it, I’m not going to make you read it.]

First on the menu for Bungie will be a much-awaited sequel to its once flagship title, Marathon. While many have incorrectly considered Halo to be a Marathon sequel, the true sequel will feature an entirely new engine based on Core Graphics and a OS X port of Input Sprockets and will be written only for the Mac platform. After that, Bungie will go on to write a sequel to Myth and then a prequel to Pathways Into Darkness that will actually be done with a stereopticon.

As unbelievable and an out-of-the-blue realization of a long-held pipe dream as this news seems, it’s not all. Sources also say that:

  • Your old girlfriend called and she totally wants to get back together with you.
  • Your parents weren’t lying to you when you were 5, your dog Sneakers really was taken to a farm and – guess what?! – he’s back and he wants to play frisbee! Yay!
  • Your parents breaking up when you were 12 was just a bad dream. Mommy really does love daddy. Not Rico down at the Jiffy Lube. And Daddy really likes women, particularly mommy. Not, uh… well, whatever disturbing thing it is you were told he liked on your 13th birthday. Sheep? Was it sheep? Or gophers? Sources couldn’t remember.
  • Your old girlfriend? Totally wants to do it with you and another chick. Totally.

Apple declined to comment, but CARS staff member and long-suffering Marathon gamer Masako Yamamoto has had what medical experts call “an episode.”

Jackass Blogger Won't Shut Up About Fucking Yankees.

The Apple web community has recently been forced to endure the childish ranting of its supposedly most “respected” bloggers.

In a series of disturbing blog posts and classless entries on Twitter, Daring Fireball‘s John Gruber has gone past the point of “annoying” and is well into “uncomfortable”. Gruber continues to publicly flog his Yankees obsession, all but declaring their capturing the American League East pennant a fait accompli despite the fact that the Red Sox are still 2 and 1/2 games ahead.

“I used to think the banter was fun,” said Rogue Amoeba‘s Paul Kafasis, a Red Sox fan. “You know, all good natured ribbing between professionals in the Apple community.

“And then… it just went on and on and on… I got bored and then I got kind of concerned. It just started to seem like he was a little too into it, you know? Kind of like Maynard in Pulp Fiction.”

Kafasis said that at one point he considered organizing some kind of Apple community intervention to attempt to pull Gruber back from the destructive path he was bent on, but that by that point Gruber was being such a dick that he just didn’t care anymore.

Kafasis shook his head.

“Issues,” he said, making air quotes with his fingers and then whistling.

Other members of the Apple community agreed.

“I’m not sure what exactly his problem is,” said Macworld‘s Dan Moren, another Red Sox fan. “He picked the team with a revenue stream like a fire hose and an owner that’s willing to outbid Jesus. That’s a real challenge. I’m sure all the adversity of suffering through years of winning really builds character.

“Oh, and, hey, I guess John pretty much proved that particular point, didn’t he!”

Crazy Apple Rumors Site reporters contacted several Yankee fans to comment but the resulting torrent of filthy expletives and violent domination fantasies proved unsuitable for printing.

Even here. And that’s saying something.

Apple declined to comment officially for this story, but senior vice president of worldwide marketing Phil Schiller, also a Red Sox fan, did tell a somewhat prophetic story of a boy who went blind from too much self-wankery.