Category: Apple Community

Growth In Online Mac Presence Explained.

A report stating that the online presence of Macs in the U.S. doubled in the last eight months has been trumpeted across the Mac web as a sign of the platform’s growing success.

However, a subsequent analysis of the data by the firm WebSideStory has revealed that the growth does not come from an increase in the number of Macs online, but in the activity from Mac users.

Or, specifically, Mac user Adam Ballenger of Portland, Oregon.

By correlating the IP addresses in the data, WebSideStory was able to pinpoint a dramatic increase in traffic from Ballenger’s iMac.

“At first we were unable to explain how the increase in traffic correlated so closely with the U.S.,” said WebSideStory analyst Richard Marquist. “Then we realized it correlated with Oregon. Then we realized it was Portland.”

And then they found Ballenger.

Reached at his apartment, 25-year-old Ballenger explained how he personally managed to surf as much as all other Mac users in the U.S.

“Back in September,” Ballenger said, “I discovered this thing – I don’t know if you’ve heard about it…

“But there are these sites… online… that have pictures of naked women on them! Yeah, I know! It’s hard to believe! But that’s not all. Some of them even have pictures of people having sex! It is just… wild! I mean, I was just surfing along and BLAMMO! I had never seen anything like that before! I thought, ‘Hey, I want to see more of this!‘ Holy smokes!”

And so Ballenger did. He hasn’t left his apartment in eight months but he has drastically impacted his platform of choice.

Unfortunately for the Mac, he believes the increase in its online market share is at an end.

“I can keep surfing, but there’s just so much self-gratification a guy can do. It’s been eight months. I’m exhausted. I think I need a break.”

Apple declined to comment for this story but several Portland area pizzerias indicated that the company has been delivering free pies to Ballenger’s address for the past five months.

Chris Breen's Hair Gets Own Column.

Macworld magazine announced today that it had found a permanent columnist to occupy the back page of its publication.

Editorial director Jason Snell said that the spot will be filled by a column written by Chris Breen’s hair.

Breen, the writer of the magazine’s Mac 911 column, is himself no slouch. He wrote an astonishing 6 pieces in the latest edition of Macworld, and also appeared as the magazine’s June centerfold.

But it’s a well-known secret of the Apple journalism world that Breen’s hair, in addition to being full of body and luxurious, is really the brains of the operation.

“Chris is a nice guy,” Snell said hesitantly, “but… how do I put this tactfully? He’s really kind of a mannequin for the hair.

“Yeaaaah. There’s just no way to put that tactfully.”

Snell said that when he found that he was more and more going to Breen’s hair for informed opinion about Apple, he decided to give the hair its own column.

This has even led to speculation by some scientists that Breen’s hair is actually an alien life form that has attached itself to him and is riding him around like a pony.

Breen could not be reached for comment, but his hair categorically denied the allegation.

Apple Totally Forgotten About Macs.

Confirming the fears of many after the company dropped the word “Computer” from its name, sources inside Apple indicate that the company has completely forgotten it makes Macs.

Taking a look at Mactactic shows that almost all of Apple’s Mac lineup has now hit the red line – meaning they’re overdue for an update. An update that insiders say is not coming any time soon unless the collective amnesia that has hit Cupertino wears off.

“‘Macs’?” asked Peter Mehring, head of Mac hardware engineering. “Hmm. Doesn’t ring a bell. But I haven’t been here all that long, so… maybe it was something Apple made before? I don’t know. I’m just thinking out loud here.”

Asked what it is, exactly, he does at Apple if its not working on Mac hardware, Mehring fell into a spell of mumbling that included the words “synergy”, “competency center” and “donut run”.

But Mehring wasn’t the only one who seemed not to have heard of these so-called “Macs”.

“‘Macs’?” asked senior vice president of the iPod division Tony Fadell. “Hmm… no.

“iPods. iPhones. QuickTime. I think that’s it. Unless I’m missing something. But I don’t think so.

“I’m very thorough.”

Some elements of the Mac community have formulated a plan to combat this amnesia, however.

“We just sneak up behind Apple and – BAM! – hit it in the back of the head with a sock full of nickels,” said Your Mac Life’s Shawn King.

“Works every time.”

King said this was planned for Thursday and all members of the Mac community who could manage to be in Cupertino at 9:00 AM were invited to participate.

New Shirts!

Many members of the Apple community have complained about the outrageous prices at some sites that sell t-shirts in order to support their crack habits.

Or maybe it’s heroin. Or smack. Or…

Wait, is smack the same thing as heroin?

Well, whatever dangerous addiction these hippie punks are all hopped up on (Goofballs? Maybe it’s goofballs) there’s no reason the more upstanding members of the Apple community should have to support it.

That’s why Crazy Apple Rumors Site is proud to announce new shirts that are reasonably priced at $19 (the Cafe Press minimum – we are not making a dime off of them) and don’t carry the taint of enabling someone who’d probably only blow it on something that is to their own personal moral detriment.

This is a Crazy Apple Rumors Site original design, not some cheap knock-off, so I don’t want to hear a lot of bitching and moaning about copyright.

Well, OK, they’re cheap. Of course they’re cheap. I mean, Cafe Press just does those iron-on jobbies…

But they’re totally original.

Totally.

Here, take a look:

Now where ya gonna find another shirt even remotely like that, beeotch? Nowhere, that’s where. It’s hip, it’s happenin’, it’s fresh, it’s keepin’ it real and it’s what the kiddies want.

At least the ones not all hopped up on goofballs.

This shirt is a limited edition run – in as much as there is a limited supply of cotton on the Earth – so act now.

Click here to buy!

And… you know… there will probably be some legal action. Possibly before dawn.

So click now!

…

Well?

Go on.

LATE-BREAKING UPDATE: This site – which I had never hear of before – seems to have appropriated our shirt concept for its entire design and now has the hubris to threaten us! Well, good luck with that! Everyone knows lesbian ninja sexbots beat bat-wielding thugs in the Russian mafia. Everyone.

Leo Laporte Laps Himself.

With the proliferation of podcasting, TWiT‘s Leo Laporte, who appears on a dozen of his own podcasts and is a regular guest on many produced by others as well as network television talk shows. Laporte is apparently so prolific that he was on a recent edition of his own Gearâ—ŠMediaâ—ŠTech twice.

While introducing a new RAID device, Laporte said “And here to tell us more about it is Leo Laporte.”

Laporte then appeared again and the two went on to discuss the device. There was a bit of confusion at the end as neither Laporte was sure which one should leave.

According to Gail Mullen, Laporte’s public relations manager, Laporte had lapped himself in a sudden burst of media exposure.

“Leo passed himself on the fast-paced highway that is Internet media,” said Mullen, “and accidentally appeared twice.

“He’s terribly sorry for any confusion it may have caused.”

“Leo’s the hardest working man in podcasting,” said 43Folders‘ Merlin Mann. “He’s now literally working twice as hard as the next man who, paradoxically, is himself.”

There is some concern that Laporte’s proclivity has certain concerning implications in the realm of quantum mechanics.

“I happened to see the episode of Gearâ—ŠMediaâ—ŠTech,” said Sarah Grossman, a graduate student at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. “For Laporte to exist twice in the same instance, he must not exist in some other instance. This other instance then has a quantum vacuum which must be filled by some other matter. Such as pudding.

“But then the pudding has to come from somewhere. You can see where I’m going with this. At some point Laporte’s duality must be paid for. There’s no such thing as a quantum free lunch.

“And, for the love of god, I hope he never shakes his own hand because KA-BOOOM!”

Laporte is expected to address the issue on the next edition of the Tech Guy provided he has the time.