Category: Apple Executives

Schiller Describes Wild Weekend

According to sources close to Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller, the Apple executive had a wild weekend as he followed the San Jose Sharks go from the thrill of victory to the agony of defeat.

“Friday night was awesome!” Schiller told his moderately interested coworkers. “The Sharks were down five times and rallied back each time! I just about lost it when Pavelski tied it up in the last minute of regulation.

“And when Setoguchi scored the winning goal… well, me and my hockey buddies — Donnie, Automatic Tony and the Spaz — well, we just went berserk.”

Schiller sheepishly admitted he may have had a little too much to drink on Friday night.

“We partied hard after that one! After we left the [HP] Pavilion, we just hit one bar after the next! But we were on cloud nine, I tell you what. Most of that night’s a complete blur! Ha-ha! I seem to remember a goat and some clowns or… no, mimes! Oh, my god, it was mimes! Ha-ha!

“Whoo-eee!”

The man in charge of Apple’s global corporate marketing efforts said he spent most of Saturday “sleeping it off” but then was back at it to watch Sunday’s Sharks loss with his friends in C & J’s, a Cupertino sports bar.

“Sunday was a major letdown and we had to drown our sorrows. We drank until C & J’s closed and then walked along the railroad tracks, drinking some more. The Sharks are in a hole now so they’ll just have to go out there and give it their best. That’s all they can do. That’s all any of us can do.”

Schiller paused before continuing.

“Me and my buddies, we’ve followed the Sharks through some tough times. Donnie’s divorce. When Tony got laid off at the mill. The Spaz’s repeated suicide attempts. My LASIK surgery. Tough times.

“Watching the Sharks and blowin’ off steam, that’s just how we do.”

Schiller fell silent for a moment, looking reflective on the sport and what it says about the human condition.

Suddenly his hand felt for his pocket.

“Wait…

“Anyone seen my phone?”

Ruby

Although he may have left us years ago for pastures that are turning out to be not so green, Memories…

Rubinstein Devoured By Beavers

Light the corners of my mind
Misty watercolor memories
of the way we were.

Executives React to Apple’s Stock Option Investigation

Scattered pictures of the smiles we left behind
smiles we give to one another
for the way we were.

Rubinstein Farewell Party Planning Already In Trouble

Can it be that it was all so simple then
or has time rewritten every line?

Rubinstein Tired of Renting

If we had the chance to do it all again
tell me would we? Could we?

Everyone Trying TO Cover Up Fact That Rubinstein Is Really Drunk

Memories, may be beautiful and yet
what’s too painful to remember
we simply choose to forget

Tevanian Invests Money Wisely, While Rubinstein Spends It Frivolously

So it’s the laughter we will remember
whenever we remember…

Rubinstein Won’t Get Off Ride Outside Grocery Store

…the way we were.

Apple Reveals Post-Tablet Product Plans

At a press conference today, Apple CEO Steve Jobs – in a stunning breach of precedent – revealed the product line Apple will be working on after the tablet. Never before has Jobs been so forthcoming with his plans and reporters were caught flat-footed, rushing to make the event after being notified just yesterday.

“It’s no secret we’re announcing a tablet on the 27th,” said Jobs. “And it’s going to be really special, so you’ll want to stay tuned for that. But I’m here to talk about what comes after the tablet.”

Jobs went on to reveal that Apple will be taking on an entirely new product set and blazing a trail in an industry that doesn’t even exist yet: the market for attractive human genitals.

“Look at your genitals!” Jobs said to the gathered reporters. “They’re a mess! All hairy and wrinkly with flaps of variously-shaded skin all over and stuff. Ew. I don’t know who designed them but…

“No, don’t look at them now!” Jobs said suddenly. “Look at them later!

“Jesus, Walt.”

Jobs believes this market – like those of the digital music player and the cell phone before it – is full of sub-standard products and ripe for the kind of shake-up Apple specializes in.

“I’m not talking about genitals that are larger,” Jobs said. “Although, yes, in some instances they will be larger than what you’re currently used to. David.

“No, I’m talking about genitals that are simply better designed and more aesthetically pleasing.”

According to Jobs, male members will be constructed from a new synthetic human tissue that collapses into a more attractive shape when not in use. The scrotum will be a replaceable peripheral in easily identifiable ‘fully loaded’ and ‘firing blanks’ versions. Women’s parts, meanwhile, will be almost invisible from the outside, not have those monthly “maintenance” issues and include a revolutionary new security mechanism.

Jobs indicated that he was taking the unusual step of announcing Apple’s entry into the genitals market because he felt certain the no one would be able to ramp up fast enough to catch the company.

“I’ve seen some of the designs Jonny [Ive] has been working on,” Jobs said. “He’s been doodling them in a notebook for years and I finally said ‘What is that? It looks like a woman’s hoo-ha. But without all the messy bits.'”

Ive smiled nervously in the front row.

“Clearly, Jonny had spent a lot of time thinking about this,” Jobs said. “I mean a lot of time.”

Apple’s male genitals are expected to gently enter the market some time this summer around 7:00 PM, with the female genitals coming about fifteen minutes later. And then again fifteen minutes after that.

Joz's Children Have No Zunes

Apple vice president of iPod and iPhone Product Marketing Greg “Joz” Joswiak harbors a secret in his home: His children have no Zunes.

Hard as this is to believe in 2009, when Microsoft’s music player is found in dozens of households around the world, Joz’s children are forbidden to own the device made by Apple’s fiercest competitor for music-playing hardware.

In a recent interview with Guitar World Magazine, Joz’s wife, “Linda,” reluctantly told a reporter that, “Zunes are banned from our household.”

Acknowledging the strain this puts on her, “Linda” explained, “Every now and then I look at my friends and say, ‘Wouldn’t it be great if we all went out and bought Zunes and then purchased some music and used Wi-Fi on the Zunes to share the music with each other for a limited period of time?’ My friends press the pause button on the headphone cords for their new tiny iPod shuffles and say, ‘Huh?’ But it still stings.”

Joz’s children, Clarus, Luxo, and OpenDoc, have also never known the joy of firing up Windows Vista, cursing, rebooting, cursing, rebooting again, installing hundred of megabytes of critical updates, rebooting, installing anti-virus updates, rebooting, waiting for a system scan to complete, and then having Internet Explorer 7 improperly render a standards-compliant Web page and crash, and then reinstalling the operating system.

“It’s hard on the kids, because when they go to school – a special school that they use a scramjet to attend and which is carved out of the side of a skull-shaped island – and tell their friends about how they were watching movies on an iPod or playing games on their iPhone or using a Mac to create a movie from video they shot from their manned mission to Mars, the other kids just stare at them in blank comprehension,” “Linda” said. “Of course, all the other children have Apple equipment.”

Joswiak’s children may find iPods and iPhone littering every surface in their home – their fleet of Roombas crunches up a dozen or more a day – but there’s not a single Windows Mobile powered phone to be found.

“Fuck no,” said “Linda.” “Are you fucking insane? Have you fucking used Windows Mobile? With the OK button up in the corner? And the fucking fuckety fuck fucked up interface? Really, I know you’re smoking pot, but are you on crank and ecstacy, too? Fucking moron.”