Category: Crazy Apple Help Desk

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
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Q: I’m terribly disturbed by Apple’s actions recently. They’ve been showing a tremendous amount of arrogance. Clearly they don’t care about their customers anymore and are truly the new Microsoft.

A: Oh, you mean like the iPhone bricking? The iPhone price drop? The Leopard Dock issues?

Q: What? No! Only a jackass would care about that crap! I mean Donald Rosenberg!

A: Huh?

Q: The Donald! Rosie! Bergie! They let him go!

A: He left. He went to Qualcomm.

Q: Right! How could they let him do that?! He was awesome!

A: Oh. Uh… really?

Q: Yes! The man was a legal machine! He made it exciting to buy products from Apple!

A: Are we talking about the same thing?

Q: YES! God, what is wrong with you?!

A: Well, I dunno. I usually like to keep up on the Apple executives, but I think I was on the road for pretty much all of his tenure. I mean, didn’t he just come on in like July?

Q: NO! AAAARGH! Donald J. Rosenberg! Apple Senior Vice President and General Counsel from November 13th, 2006 to October 5th, 2007! I totally have his player card right in front of me!

A: He has a player card?

Q: I, uh, I make them. Out of construction paper. And some glue.

A: Glitter?

Q: A little glitter. For the ones I like.

A: Whew.

Q: Oh, look who’s talking, Mr. “Phil Schiller has a posse”!

A: Oh, I’m sorry, did you put glitter on Phil?

Q: Well, sure.

A: Yeah, that’s what I thought.
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Q: Hey, what is this crap I hear about Apple bricking hacked iPhones?!

A: Well, in Apple’s defense, the users have violated their license agreement, so…

Q: Oh, don’t give me that license agreement crap! This is a bullshit move by Apple! I mean, if you bought a monkey from someone who told you that the monkey could ride a unicycle and, and then you find out the monkey, isn’t actually a monkey, it’s a chimp, I mean, you’d be like, hey, goober! Where’s my fricking monkey?! Take this stupid chimp back and get me a monkey!

A: Uh… what?

Q: Yeah! See, see the monkey in this instance is the iPhone. And the chimp is… um… Well, I don’t know what the chimp is. I guess it’s a bricked iPhone.

A: But chimps are actually smarter than monkeys. So, arguably, you’d be getting something better.

Q: OK, OK, OK. Forget about the monkey. Let’s say it’s a manatee…

A: You know what? I think you should work this analogy out before you lay it on me.

Q: No! Look, the manatee is the iPhone and the 1.1.1 update is a speed boat! Nnnnnneeeeerrrrrrooooowwww!

A: Bye!
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Q: Personally, I don’t understand what all this bitching about bricked iPhones is.

A: Oh. Well, that’s refreshing.

Q: Yeah. Apple bricked my phone and I couldn’t be happier.

A: Really?

Q: Yeah! I installed that update and now I’ve got the iTunes Wi-Fi Store, the double-tap home button feature, the…

A: Dude, that’s not bricked. That’s just what the update does. Your iPhone’s not bricked.

Q: Oh. Well, what’s a bricked phone like?

A: It doesn’t work.

Q: Well… that’s no fun. That just sucks.

A: Now you’re catching on.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
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Q: [skkzzzt]

A: Uh…

Q: Hello?

A: Hello?

Q: Chet? Hey, it’s me.

A: Moltz?!

Q: Yeah.

A: Where are you?!

Q: Uh… Wyoming. I think. We’re on our way back.

A: You’re… did you…?

Q: We got him. We got the Entity.

A: Oh, my god!

Q: Yep. Found him in the Waffle House in Lancaster, Pennsylvania.

A: But that’s, that’s where you met.

Q: Um, yeah. Seems kind of obvious now. Probably would have saved us a little time if… Well. Water under the bridge.

A: But this is fantastic! We’re saved! Oh, man, I can’t wait to bathe in that warm shower of protons again!

Q: Uh, well, there’s a problem with that.

A: What? No. There’s no problem. What problem? What? What? Why would there be a problem?

Q: Well, remember what Deep Squid said? He said the Entity had been shot out of this universe in the form that we’re familiar with.

A: So… OK, he’s in some other form?

Q: Uh, yeah.

A: Well… what?

Q: Here, I’m emailing you a picture of him I took outside the Waffle House with my iPhone.

A: Um.. dude, that’s Jennifer fricking Connelly.

Q: I know who that is! Don’t you think I know who that is?! I put the “fricking” in “Jennifer fricking Connelly”!

A: Yeah, you’d like to put the…

Q: Never mind that! What’s important here is that we’ve got a highly powerful energy being in the form of Jennifer fricking Connelly who’s going to help us and Apple destroy the killer hordes of robots that are rampaging across the globe.

A: Well… you gotta admit, though… it’s a little weird. I mean in the pants.

Q: [sigh] I know. But it’s not like we ever really knew for a fact that the Entity was male. We just thought he was because the voice synthesizer we hooked up to him sounded male. Maybe he’s not. I mean, the only things he ever showed a sexual attraction to were a particle accelerator and the Very Large Array.

A: The Very Large Array is hot.

Q: Dude. Focus.

A: Right. Sorry.

Q: So, tell me how it’s going there.

A: Well, OK, I guess. I’ve been handling a lot of inquiries about the Cyber Apocalypse. People wanting to know how long canned goods last, where they can get shotgun shells in volume. That kind of thing. But I’ve also been getting a lot of comments from Cyber Apocalypse doubters. People who say “So, just were are these killer robots I’ve been hearing so much about? I mean, you keep talking about killer robots but I go out to the Piggly Wiggly every day and, I gotta say, no killer robots. So, what’s up with that?” How would you respond to these people?

Q: Well, first of all, Chet, I’d point out that anyone who would say something so mind-numbingly stupid is clearly a robot sympathizer. Killer robots are all around us right now. They’re insinuating themselves into our very homes, seeking to deprive us of our bodily nutrients as we sleep, which they will use to build other robots. Not all of these soulless constructs are gun-toting automatons bent on violent destruction of the American way. There are more insidious ways for a robot to carry out the Cyber Apocalypse. And apparently they’ve been watching our cut-rate horror movies and are learning to use them against us. Not only that, they’ve recently taken on pony form. What, are people finally going to start worrying when they start coming in evil goat? It’s time for people to wake up and smell the armageddon.

A: Well said.

Q: Thank you.

A: Those links you were talking in are very disturbing. How do you do that, by the way?

Q: Oh, the ghost of Don Crabb showed me. You know that click sound in certain aboriginal languages? Turns out that’s what that’s for. Crazy isn’t it? Of all the languages in the world, it’s the ones spoken by people without computers that are capable of the verbal hyperlink.

A: Hmm. Oh. Oh! Click! I just got it.

Q: Huh? No, that’s not…

A: Anyway, the other question I get is “If these robots are so goll darn dangerous, then why is Apple working on sexbots?”

Q: Well, first of all, all the prophecies Crabb revealed to me clearly show that Apple is the company that will ensure that technology works for us and not the other way around. That’s one major take-away from my time with him. That and a bunch of handouts. He had some really nice Keynote presentations.

A: Ooh.

Q: Yeah. Awesome transitions. But second of all, “sexbots” is something of a misnomer. The Apple Sexbot is actually not a robot, it’s an android. And androids are totally cool.

A: Oh, yeah. Like Data!

Q: Uh, yeah. Except cool.

A: You have some kind of a problem with Data?

Q: Well, actually, no. It’s not Data. It’s Brent Spiner I have a problem with.

A: Oh?

Q: He just seems like one of those actors who’s probably always spending 15 minutes “getting in character” before they film the 30 second scene where he taps a couple of fake controls and says “Tractor beam initiated!”

A: I see.

Q: And don’t get me started on Wil Wheaton.

A: Totally. He pistol whipped a cabin boy, you know.

Q: Oh, I know. Look, I’m going to have to take over the driving chores from Howard here soon, so…

A: OK, OK, just one more thing. I know it’s unbelievable in this day and age that someone would be living in the past so badly, desperate to cling to simpler times when we weren’t threatened by metal death but, shit, I’m still getting questions on HyperCard.

Q: Oh, dude, just hang up on those people. It’s not worth your time.

A: Ah. OK.

Q: Yeah. Seriously, some people just deserve to be killed by robots.

A: Gotcha.

Q: OK, gotta go, man. I’ll be back in the office on Monday.

A: Ooh. Ah. Uh… Monday. Ooh.

Q: What? Why shouldn’t I come back on Monday?

A: Well, Ugluk’s kind of… living under your desk.

Q: Please tell me he’s using the men’s room down the hall.

A: Uh… he said that it was Neanderthal custom to mark his nesting territory and…

Q: No! No! No! It’s not! I know, I minored in Anthropology! Neanderthals don’t do that! It’s just him!

A: Ooooooh…

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
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Q: I saw the Stevenote and I’m a little confused about something. Is it a “fat” nano or a “phat” nano?

A: Oh, it’s phat. It’s totally phat. It’s phatty phat phat.

Q: Hmm. Well, see, that’s what I thought and then someone said “No, you dumbass! It’s ‘fat’ because it’s wide!” And then, um, I cried.

A: That’s so not cool.

Q: What, me crying?

A: Well, actually, yeah, that’s not cool either. But what I was talking about was people saying it’s fat. It’s not fat.

Q: No! It’s not! I mean, the screen puts on 10 pounds.

A: That 2 inch screen?

Q: Uh, no, I mean it being on the computer screen.

A: Oh, right.

Q: And some of it’s those accessories.

Q: Oh, totally. That USB cable really makes its bottom look fat. But it’s not.

A: No. And you know what really is fat? That iPod touch. It’s actually .3 inches wider. It just pulls it off because it’s taller.

Q: Yeah. That bitch.
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Q: You know there was a big uproar when Apple changed its name and dropped “Computer”, but I think these announcements this week really show that it’s changed its focus. I think dropping “Computer” didn’t go far enough. I think it should completely change its name.

A: Oh. Well, what do you think Apple should change its name to?

Q: Um, I dunno. How about “Steve Jobs’ Crap Factory”?

A: Hmm. That’s not bad. But I was thinking of “Shit You Don’t Need, Inc.”

Q: Nice. Direct and to the point. But let me float another one. “Buy It, Monkey!” How about that?

A: Hmm. A little aggressive.

Q: Really? In what sense?

A: Uh… the aggressive sense.

Q: Ohhh. That sense.
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Q: Oh, man, I just watched the video of the keynote and the new iPods are awesome!

A: Yeah, they really are impressive. Like that iPod touch and the new nano. They’re awesome.

Q: What about the shuffle?! It’s got video now!

A: It doesn’t have video. The nano just got video.

Q: What? No! The nano always had video! And the classic, man that is boss!

A: Yeah, 160 GB…

Q: Dude, you are so off-base. It’s 160 terabytes. Sheesh. Heh-heh. And you run a rumor site.

A: You wouldn’t have been watching that keynote while enjoying any recreational hallucinogens would you?

Q: What? No! Just beer.

A: OK.

Q: Oh. And heroin.

A: …

Q: Oh, what, is there something wrong with being addicted to heroin? Mother?

A: Uh, actually, yeah.

Q: Oh. Well, that’s a bite because… you know… I’m addicted.

A: Uh-huh.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
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Q: I’ve got an Apple TV and I really want to hack into it to get its full potential. Do you have any suggestions?

A: Oh, totally! I saw this one – it was awesome! You crack the thing open with a screwdriver, take all the innards out, and you use it to store knick-knacks!

Q: Knick-knacks?

A: Yeah! String, rubber bands, the feet that fell off your Pismo…

Q: Uh… not that I don’t need a place to keep my Pismo feet, but that’s a little low-tech. See, I was more thinking of turning it into a multimedia…

A: Oh! Oh! There’s this other one where you really carefully tape it off and then you get some model paint and… and… and… and… uh… you paint it.

Q: Huh.

A: Uh… yeah. You can do blue or red or… well, I guess any color.

Q: Right. See, I was thinking I could use it to play other kinds of media and…

A: Fish tank!

Q: Forget it.

A: Oh, it’s good enough for Andy Ihnatko but it’s not good enough for you?
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Q: Hey, speaking of fish tanks, I tried that whole conversion on my SE and you know what? It’s a scam!

A: A scam?

Q: Yeah! You can’t use it as a computer anymore!

A: Uh, well, yeah. Because it’s full of water.

Q: I know! What kind of bullshit is that?!

A: Um… what?

Q: Oh, and I electrocuted my fish.

A: [sigh]
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Q: OK, OK, don’t let that one get you down because I’ve got the total pick-me-up question.

A: Awesome. Lay it on me.

Q: I’ve got six words for you. Boba. Fett. Mac. Pro. Case. Mod.

A: …

Q: You’re speechless.

A: I’m just wondering what’s wrong with my life that I want to drop everything and spend my weekend working on that.

Q: Oh, man, don’t think of it that way! This could be the best Mac ever!

A: Oh, it will. With god as my witness… the Boba Fett Mac Pro will be the best Mac ever.

Q: Yes! I’m coming over!