Category: Crazy Apple Help Desk

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

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Q: I was listening to the audio of Jobs’ presentation on Tuesday and I kept hearing him talk about how things were going to happen “otomatically”. I haven’t noticed this getting coverage anywhere else, but is he talking about some cool new Apple technology? What is this “otomatically”?

A: Oh, no, no, no. I believe this is just a simple misunderstanding having to do with the fact that Jobs pronounces that word oddly.

Q: Oh. Oh! So he was trying to say “automatically”?

A: No, no, no. The word he was trying to say was “Odomatically”?

Q: What’s “Odomatically” mean?

A: Odomatically means something happens like Odo from Deep Space 9.

Q: Huh?

A: It’s a new shape-shifting technology Apple’s been developing. It’s going to be in all Apple products soon.

Q: Hmm. I dunno. I still think he was saying “otomatically”.

A: But that’s stupid! You mean it would happen “of the ear”? Ha-ha! That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard! “Of the ear”! Ha-ha!

Q: How is that any stupider than your Odo idea?

A: Uh… well… because we’re the ones with the Apple web site and you’re just someone calling in.

Q: Well, fine! I’ll just go off and start my own Apple web site!

A: Ha-ha! Good luck with that! I think you’ll find all the good site names are taken, my friend!

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Q: I read this whole thing about Sticker Guy and I was rather appalled at the way he was treated by the Mac community.

A: What?! C’mon, it was a stupid question. And if the guy can’t stand a little heat for it, he should get out of the kitchen that is the Internet.

Q: But it wasn’t unreasonable at all! Intel pays companies a lot of money to put those stickers on.

A: But the basic premise – putting tacky stickers on a Mac – is so out of place! It’s like you’re watching Leave it to Beaver and, though you’ve seen every episode and know them by heart, all of a sudden you hear June tell Ward she’s leaving him to get into competitive goatse.

Q: Uh… wow. I’m so stunned by that image I forgot what the hell we were arguing about.

A: Ha! Yeah. You like that? I thought of that earlier today and was laughing myself silly over it!

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Q: I have a MacBook that I want to use to manage a large collection of images I’m going to scan in. I need to hook it up to an external monitor and I’m hoping to get a good recommendation for a flat-panel display that’s cheaper than what Apple offers, but all I can think of now is… “competitive goatse”? C’mon. There is no such thing. Is there?

A: Ooh, dude, you really don’t want to go asking questions you don’t want the answers to.

Q: Unnn…

A: Yeah, just don’t Google it. Don’t do it.

Q: I’m… not.

A: Yes, you are! You’re doing it right now, I can tell!

Q: No, I’m… AAAAAGH! I’M BLIND!

A: Ah. See? I told you not to Google it.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
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Q: [skkzzzt]

A: Uh… hello?

Q: Hello?

A: John?

Q: Chet?

A: Holy crap, where the hell are you?

Q: Uh… let’s see… somewhere in upstate New York…

A: Well, come back!

Q: I can’t. We haven’t found the Entity yet.

A: Well, you’d better hurry because the robots are coming!

Q: What? You mean right now?

A: Well, that’s what Scary Gus was mumbling down at the Gas-N-Sip.

Q: Ooh. And Gus is never wrong.

A: No, sir, he is not.

Q: Well, we’ve been following some good leads and we’re moving toward the Waffle Triangle.

A: Ah, of course! The Cyber Apocalypse equivalent of the Sunni Triangle! That space marked out by Scranton, Penn., South Bend, Ind. and New Port Ritchie, Florida where waffles are most prevalent and where the robot hordes will first strike their bitterest enemy – the waffle!

Q: Um, no. It’s a diner. In North Carolina.

A: Oh.

Q: I like your answer, though. If Crabb were here I’d ask him if there was something to that.

A: He’s not with you anymore?

Q: No, we dropped him off at Graceland. Something about setting up a new iMac for Elvis. Apparently – and this should really come as no surprise – but apparently everyone in the afterlife uses Macs.

A: Well, sure. If you’re good.

Q: Right. Windows in hell. Linux in purgatory.

A: So, what, you drop Crabb off and now you’re just wandering around blind again?

Q: No, no, no. We’ve got some new spirit guides.

A: Oh? Who?

Q: Well, there’s Mac the Knife and Sluggo from the Power Computing ad.

A: Huh.

Q: Yeah. Well, we ran out of mescaline so we had to switch to a combination of morphine, shots of tequila and hitting each other on the head with old Inside Macintosh books.

A: It occurs to me that this whole thing could be sending the wrong message to America’s youth.

Q: Oh, no, it’s totally cool. Sluggo’s driving and he’s not having anything.

A: …

Q: What?

A: Are you coming back soon?

Q: Well, if this lead on the Waffle Triangle pans out, we just need to drop Mac the Knife off on Fire Island and then Sluggo needs to go to Austin. So… a few weeks?

A: Couldn’t you just stop doing the drugs and they’d disappear?

Q: Wow. You just don’t know much about how to treat a spirit guide, do you.

A: You need to come back! The killer robots got to MacOSRumors! It’s gone! We heard that a couple of them pulled Ryan Meader apart like fresh bread!

Q: Gotta go! There’s a Waffle House up ahead! Better check it out.

A: Wait! Where did you leave the shotgun shells?! MOLTZ!!!

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

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Q: I have a brand new iPhone that I’m having trouble activating. I’ve talked with AT&T and Apple but neither one seems to be able to resolve this issue. But that’s not why I called.
A: Oh. OK, then why did you call?
Q: I called because… I BRING EVIL TIDINGS!
A: Gah! Dammit, why the hell are evil tidings always in capital letters?
Q: DO NOT ATTEMPT TO UNDERSTAND THE MYSTERIOUS WAYS OF THE TIDINGS! LEST YE… UM… LEST YE CONTRACT A REALLY NASTY RASH.
A: Yeah, yeah. OK. Nasty tidings rash. I don’t need that.
Q: NO. YOU DON’T. I’VE NEVER HAD ONE MYSELF, BUT I HEAR IT’S QUITE UNCOMFORTABLE.
A: OK, so lay it on me. What are these tidings?
Q: YOU REMEMBER THE CYBER APOCALYPSE?
A: Oh, yeah. Big bad thing. Was foretold by three signs, all of which came to pass. But it never showed.
Q: YEAH, WELL, IT’S SHOWIN’. TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.
A: Uh, octosquid? So what?
Q: SO WHAT?! IT HAS BEGUN!
A: Um, what?
Q: I SAID IT HAS BEGUN!
A: Gah! I heard you! I meant “What has begun?” And do you still need to be in all caps?
Q: UM, YES. EVIL PORTENTS JUST DON’T LOOK AS EVIL IN LOWER CASE.
A: OK, fine. Drama queen. So… what is it? This is like the fourth sign in the trilogy? Why am I supposed to care?
Q: NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. THIS ISN’T A SIGN. THIS IS THE QUICKENING!
A: The hey with the what now?
Q: YOU WILL, OF COURSE, RECALL YOUR DÉTENTE WITH TENTACULOUS?
A: Tentaculous?! The giant octopus creature at the center of our galaxy, Tentaculous?!
Q: YES. RHYMES WITH “SPECTACULOUS”.
A: You know that’s not a word, right?
Q: YES.
A: Well, yeah, it’s kind of hard not to remember traveling 50,000 light years to fight a bunch of octopuses to a standstill.
Q: HMM. SOUNDS LIKE SOMEBODY NEEDS TO GET OUT MORE.
A: Oh, shut up. Just tell me what the octosquid means.
Q: THE OCTOSQUID IS THE SYMBOL OF YOUR ALLIANCE WITH TENTACULOUS. THIS IS BUT THE FIRST, BUT SOON THE RANKS OF THE OCTOSQUIDS SHALL SWELL…
MACGRUDER: Heh-heh. “Swell.”
A: Get out of here, Chet.
Q: …AND THEY SHALL JOIN YOU TO FACE THE HORROR THAT AWAITS.
A: You don’t mean…
Q: I DO.
A: Oh, my god.
Q: YES.
A: George Ou and John Dvorak in thongs?!
Q: UM. NO. I WASN’T THINKING OF THAT.
A: Oh, thank god.
Q: ALTHOUGH, NOW I CAN’T SEEM TO STOP THINKING OF THAT. THANKS VERY MUCH. I’LL HAVE NIGHTMARES TONIGHT.
A: Sorry.
Q: NO, WHAT I WAS REFERRING TO WAS THE ARMIES OF KILLER ROBOTS THAT HAVE ALREADY BEGUN THEIR MURDEROUS RAMPAGE.
A: Huh? I didn’t hear about any robot rampage.
Q: WELL, OK, RIGHT NOW I’M JUST REFERRING TO THE MURDEROUS RAMPAGE OF THE TRANSFORMERS AT THE BOX OFFICE. BUT IT’S GOING TO GET WORSE, BELIEVE YOU ME.
A: Oh. Heh. Boy, it’s all in how you hear it, isn’t it? Because after what I said killer robots doesn’t seem so bad.
Q: WELL, FINE. GREAT. GOOD FOR YOU. YOUR BRAIN IS MORE EVIL THAN KILLER ROBOTS.
A: OK, so is there something I’m supposed to do? I mean I always relied on the Entity to tell me what to do in these situations. Man, I wish he was here.
Q: EVEN HIS POWERS COULD NOT STEM THIS TIDE ALONE.
A: No, I just mean to answer calls like this. I hate this ponderous crap.
Q: OH.
A: Nothing personal.
Q: SURE. AS FOR WHAT YOU CAN DO, WHY, YOU KNOW IT YOURSELF.
A: Um… I don’t think so. Otherwise I wouldn’t have asked.
Q: SEARCH YOUR FEELINGS.
A: OK. Uh… hmmm… nnnnope. I got nothing.
Q: LOOK DEEP WITHIN YOURSELF.
A: I’m drawing a blank here.
Q: YOU’VE KNOWN THE ANSWER ALL ALONG.
A: I… don’t think so.
Q: REMEMBER!
A: Uh… huh?
Q: OH, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! YOU GO ON A QUEST FOR THE ENTITY, OK?! A QUEST FOR THE ENTITY! HE ONLY GOT SPIT OUT OF THIS UNIVERSE IN THE FORM THAT YOU’RE FAMILIAR WITH AND YOU CAN BRING HIM BACK TO HELP DEFEAT THE TECHNOLOGICAL NIGHTMARE YOU WILL FACE AND SAVE ALL CARBON-BASED LIFE ON THIS PLANET!
A: Oh… wow! I just thought that was gas!
Q: MY GOD! IT’S LIKE YOU’VE NEVER RECEIVED ANY KIND OF PORTENTS BEFORE!
A: I have so! It’s just that the Entity used to draw me little pictures.
Q: OH, GREAT. WELL, NEXT TIME I’LL KNOW TO BRING SOME PAPER AND CRAYONS!
A: So, I’m guessing that this is one of those quests where I won’t get a lot of instruction so I should probably just get in the car and start driving.
Q: RIGHT. NOW YOU’RE GETTING IT.
A: OK, well, I think I’ll take Howard. Leave Thor in charge. Maybe take some Baked Lays if I’m trying to find the Entity. He always liked Baked Lays.
Q: MY WORK IS DONE HERE.
A: Hey. Who are you, anyway?
Q: A FRIEND. BUT YOU MAY CALL ME… DEEP SQUID.
A: “Deep Squid”? Really?
Q: IS… THAT NO GOOD? I’M REALLY KIND OF BETWEEN CODE NAMES. HOW ABOUT TENTACLE BOY?
A: Uh… I think Deep Squid is better.
Q: OK.
A: So… Deep Squid. Does this have anything to do with Apple?
Q: OH, YES.
A: OK.
Q: AT LEAST… I THINK SO.
A: [sigh] OK. Great. Well, I’m gonna go pack.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

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Q: I have a Performa that I’m thinking of giving to a kid in the neighborhood who doesn’t have a computer. I was wondering if there’s a good site somewhere to download some old games that he could run on OS 9.
A: What?! Who cares?! Don’t you know the iPhone’s coming next week?! iPhone! Yay, iPhone!
Q: So… is that a “no”?
A: Uh…
Q: …
A: iPhone! Yay!
Q: [sigh]

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Q: I’ve been trying to set up an older Titanium PowerBook as a media server connected to my HDTV – kind of like an Apple TV – but when I connect it using the S-Video cable all I get is black and white. What gives?
A: Oh, my god, have you seen this iPhone tour?! Is that not the bossest thing you’ve ever seen?!
Q: Yes, it’s very nice. But, see, if I can’t watch my movies in color it’s not really…
A: Oh, holy crap, you just swipe to delete an email! Oh, my god! Oh, my god! OH, MY FRICKING GOD!!!
Q: …
A: Wow!
Q: Are you OK?
A: No! I don’t think so! I’ve got the iPhone fever bad! And… I think I’m having some kind of an pulmonary episode.
Q: Should I call someone?
A: Please.

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Q: Um…
A: …
Q: Uh…
A: …
Q: Oh, just go ahead.
A: Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha! iPhone! iPhone, iPhone, iPhoooooooooooooone!
Q: I will be so happy when this is over.
A: Ahhhhh! Wheeeeeeee!!! Heh-heh.
Q: …
A: iPhone!

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

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Q: I’m thinking about getting an iPhone when they come out but I’m confused about some of the stuff they showed in the commercial. For instance, how does the iPhone do positioning?
A: Well, I hear it has a built-in GPS.
Q: No, no, no. That’s in rev. 2 which is coming in July. What I heard was that the initial unit uses the cell towers to figure out where you are.
A: That’s crazy talk. My brother says that it takes the picture on your user account, uses a heuristic algorithm to find your face in Google Maps zoom feature and then uses that to pinpoint your location.
Q: You are just recklessly repeating spurious rumors. My understanding is that AT&T is going to tag each customer with a chip so they can identify them. Like the dogs they are.
A: Pshaw. You’re having feverish nightmares. It’s a simple fact that Apple has tiny little people that live inside the products they sell us and report back on our every movement. That’s how they make stuff we can’t help but buy and that’s how they’re going to know where we are.
Q: Hmm. Yeah, OK, you’re probably right about that one.
A: Yeah, it just feels right, doesn’t it?

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Q: After enjoying my iPod so much and hearing such great things about the Mac from my Mac-using friends, I finally broke down and bought myself a MacBook a couple of months ago. I have been really disappointed.
A: Oh, really? Well, what is it you’re trying to do with your MacBook?
Q: I’m just trying to get a sense of satisfaction, you know? A good user experience? And so far it’s been sadly lacking.
A: OK, well…
Q: And I tried to take it back to the Apple Store and they wouldn’t take it back!
A: Is it not…
Q: I just think that’s totally unacceptable! Here Apple markets its products as easy-to-use and providing a richer computing environment and when their products fail to deliver, they refuse to take responsibility!
A: Did you…
Q: And it’s not me! I mean, I have to tell you, I pressed my genitals up against this machine night after night and it was not in the least bit erotic!
A: You pressed your…
Q: My genitals. What else would I press up against it? I know a lot of people say they love their Macs, but I’m just not feelin’ it.
A: Uh… well, OK. OK. I can play this game. Maybe you just didn’t press them up against it hard enough.
Q: Hmm. Well, I’ll go back and try again, but I was pressing pretty hard.
A: Just, you know, give it the old college try.
Q: I shall endeavor to press my genitals up against my MacBook extremely hard!
A: That’s great. That’s… yeah. It’s days like this that make it worth coming to work.

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Q: I just read that last question and I am totally offended.
A: Oh, hey, I know. We get that a lot. Uh, just last week as a matter of fact. Hmm. But, listen, he’s gone. He’s not coming back.
Q: What? No! I’m not offended by the caller! I’m offended by your snide and condescending attitude toward him!
A: Oookay.
Q: Listen, the expression of love between a man and his computer is a beautiful thing.
A: He wasn’t expressing love. He was rubbing his junk on it.
Q: …
A: Uh, yeah.
Q: OK, well, I’ll just leave a pamphlet for our organization – the North American Man/Mac Love Association – and be on my way.
A: Oooh, no you don’t. Take that thing with you.