Category: iPhone

In disappointing news, Crazy Apple Rumors Site has confirmed tonight that the iPhone will indeed be delayed from its highly anticipated June launch.

Sources now say that – contrary to our reporting last night – the real reason the iPhone is being delayed is that Elmo’s voice just doesn’t sound right yet.

According to a CARS source who is a Cingular/AT&T sales representative, Apple is determined to get the sound of the signature Sesame Street character perfect.

“Look, I really hate to be the one to bring this up, but has anyone looked closely at that first row of icons on the iPhone? I’m not gonna say it, but…

“[cough] Elmo phone [cough].

“OK, I sort of coughed it, but c’mon!”

As shocking as the idea the the iPhone is nothing more than a vehicle for a popular PBS children’s show might seem, Apple engineers were surprisingly open about confirming it.

“Yes, the Elmo voice problem is bug 2341,” said a source working on the iPhone. “What bothers me more, though, is bug 1756. ‘Upon pressing Count With The Count, the Count sometimes only says prime numbers.’ I think it’s a problem with an array, but we haven’t been able to repeat it consistently.

“I’m happy to say, however, that Super Grover works like a charm. I personally spent a lot of time on that. I think people are really gonna like it. Heh-heh. Grover!”

Upon hearing this news, sources that for months had been discussing iPhone features such as web browsing, SMS and the revolutionary interface have suddenly backtracked.

“Come to think of it,” said the Wall Street Journal’s Walt Mossberg, “all those random access voice mail messages were from Big Bird.”

Apple sources think they should have Elmo’s voice ironed out by October.

After last week’s disturbing news that Leopard was being delayed until October, the Apple community has become skittish. Rumors swept across the web today that, despite Apple’s assurances to the contrary, the iPhone was also being delayed.

Sadly, Crazy Apple Rumors Site has determined that these rumors may be true. According to sources close to CEO Steve Jobs, the reason for the confusion is that the iPhone is actually not yet a product in the physical sense.

“The iPhone,” said Jonathan Ive, “is currently a mental construct of Steve’s imagining that he – through sheer force of will – is attempting to manifest onto this plane of existence from his personal mental universe.”

At this point, Apple is simply uncertain at what rate Jobs’ will power will be able to make the iPhone completely physical.

According to Ive, “It could be tomorrow, it could be June or it could be next December. Steve’s concentrating as hard as he can.”

As bizarre as this sounds, it does explain why the iPhone has been as scarce as other imaginary devices like the perpetual motion machine and the all-meat high-definition television.

“We’d love to show it off more,” Ive said, “but it only tangentially intersects with our physical universe at certain times and only under the right conditions. In order to do the January keynote, we were beaming about 300 terawatts of photonic energy at the stage in order to weaken the laws of quantum mechanics and allow the iPhone to slip into reality.”

Asked if there were any health risks to attendees from sitting so close to such a high energy discharge, Ive suddenly became squirrelly and then pulled quickly away from the Arby’s drive-in window.

The company has asked that members of the Apple community visualize the iPhone in order to help Jobs bring it to reality.

During a keynote address at this week’s cellular industry conference in Orlando, AT&T COO Randall Stephenson showed one of the rare prototypes of the Apple iPhone, scheduled for release this summer.

In a presentation reminiscent of Stan Sigman’s “In your face, other cellular providers!” Macworld keynote appearance, Stephenson reportedly made an ass out of himself in ways that are only now fully coming to light.

According to sources, many attendees were surprised and annoyed when Stephenson took the unusual step of saying in a lilting voice “Ha, ha, I have one and you do not be-cause your momma is a hoo-chie momma!”

There was also apparently a little dance that went with this.

Attendees were further surprised when Stephenson dangled the iPhone just above their heads using a bungee cord tied to a long stick

Not so surprised that they didn’t climb over each other to try to get it, however.

Stephenson then shouted “You suck and I rock! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Ran-dy’s your dad-dy now! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Ran-dy’s your dad-dy now!”

Oddly, in keeping with AT&T and Cingular tradition, Stephenson was reading all of his taunts from 3 X 5 index cards.

At other moments during his keynote, Stephenson would act as if he was about to remove his hand from over the screen of the iPhone, allowing hundreds of photographers a close-up glimpse of it in action, but then clapped the hand back on top, jeering, “Psych!”

Not surprisingly, audience reaction was mixed.

“I enjoyed the potential of seeing the iPhone, but disliked actually not getting to see it,” said Jena Hui, a marketing executive with UTStarcom.

“And that Randy Stephenson is really a dickwad, isn’t he?”

To make it up to them, attendees were later allowed to beat a pinata in the shape of Stephenson holding an iPhone. Regrettably, only Windows Mobile devices poured out of the pinata when broken.

Apple sources confirmed today in an off-the-record interview that the iPhone would support eighty frequency bands, up from the seven bands promised during the product’s introduction in January.

Worldwide GSM phones typically support four frequency bands, or ranges of spectrum, because of the differences in licenses for use of the airwaves in different countries and regulatory domains. An additional three or more bands are needed for data support.

Apple spokesperson Anuj Nayar, who confirmed before the interview that his name would not be used nor the contents of the interview disclosed, said, “We’re just here to blow that out of the water, just like everything that comes from Apple.”

Nayar explained that 20 of the additional bands would allow the iPhone to be used in micro-nations that had strange licensing requirements. “Rapa Nui, get ready for the iPhone!” he cried.

But, Nayar continued, an additional 25 bands would allow the iPhone to work “anywhere there’s a radio playing or the television on.” Just as in the countless science-fiction movies, the iPhone can take over any normal broadcast means for its own purposes.

Nayar confirmed that the iPhone “would not be evil in its normal operation”.

Additional band support include infra-infra-sonic, allowing the iPhone to use 4 herz (Hz) ground waves that can penetrate hundreds of miles underground to speak to mole people – “You know, mole people,” Nayar said – and the resonance frequency of krypton, oxygen, and several “of your favorite elements.”

The Beatles will be allotted a special super-band so that the iPhone can produce Beatles tunes by being placed near your old vinyl copies of the band’s albums.

“But don’t tell the RIAA!” Nayar laughed. “Ooh, boy, they don’t like you not paying for it twice! Ha-ha!

“Uhh… this conversation never happened, right?”

I know everyone’s wound up about the AppleTV delay that was announced today, but I’d like to talk to you about another Apple product that we haven’t seen yet.

You will remember that late last year it was widely konfirmed that the iPhone would be quickly followed by a second iPhone with special features of some kind or another.

I don’t really remember what they were and it’s not really germane to this argument. What’s important is that Apple has failed to deliver.

And, no, “konfirmed” is not a typo. That’s how we spell it on the Apple rumor business.

Because, well, “confirmed” would technically be innacurate. But, as part of the rumor site code of ethics, a story can only be run once it has been “konfirmed”, which means that it has been sourced by not one but a minimum of two anonymous emails. Or Slashdot posts. Either one.

Or Crazy Larry who lives under the freeway bridge. He’s good.

But it’s high time that Apple admit that rumor sites, like the Pope, are infallible.

“Oh, come on, Moltz,” you say. “Infallible?

“The Pope’s not infallible.”

Well, look, that’s really between you and the Catholic Church – I’m not getting into that – but I can assure you that rumor sites are infallible, regardless of your feelings on the Papacy, Vatican II or the teachings of Mel Gibson.

How does this work? Let’s say I write that Apple is going to come out with an update to the Newton. If Apple then releases an update to the Newton, I’m right and I get a job blogging for ZDNet. If Apple doesn’t release an update to the Newton, I simply say that an angry Steve Jobs cancelled the project when it was reported on a rumor site and I get a job blogging for ZDNet.

Either way, I get a job blogging for ZDNet and I’m living the rich life, hanging out in the luxurious ZDNet bloggers lounge with George Ou and going on beer runs with Jason O’Grady!

Wait a minute, why the hell would I want to do that?

I’m assuming they pay those goofballs, but it’d have to be an awful lot to make it…

Anwyay, the point is, Apple, you’re gonna release a second iPhone. It’s already been konfirmed, so let’s have it.

C’mon.

…

I don’t have all day.

…

Now would be a good time.

…

Nnnnnn…

Nnnnnn…

NOW!

OK, no, really.

I’ll just be sitting over here minding my own business.

…

La-la-la-la-la…

…

Just wa-tching Heroes…

La-la…

…

NOW!

OK, look, I can do this all day, so…

…

NOW!

…

Well, fine. If that’s the way you want it, Apple.

Look for our exclusive report tomorrow entitled “ANGRY, BITTER STEVE JOBS CANCELS SECOND IPHONE!”

As soon as we get it konfirmed, of course.